THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

Disney, Devils, and Skiing

Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the current President.

Friday afternoon


News Item: President Clinton will not join his wife and daughter skiing this weekend.

The Top Six Reasons President Clinton Will NOT Ski This Weekend

6. Doesn't need to ski to get a lift.
5. Can't remember the last time he and Hillary have "peaked" at the same time.
4. Five words: it's all downhill from here.
3. Ski Instructor: George of the Jungle.
2. Hillary on the slopes -- Bill in the jacuzzi with the snow bunnies.
1. Afraid of bending his pole.
[C. J. Burke]

Friday morning

Hell of a Guy...

Now that former business associate and former Arkansas Governor Guy Tucker has pled guilty and agreed to turn over evidence about Bill Clinton to the Special Prosecutor. That means that it's only a matter of time before we start hearing the phrase Mother Tucker coming out of Washington.
[C. J. Burke]

...And a Couple of Women

Among the leaks in the Beltway is a sexual history of Paula Jones, complete with prior accounts of sexual harassment and every sexual tryst she's had back to when she lost her virginity (and at what age).
I guess the Clinton team thinks those Rape-Shield Laws are overrated.

One of the most persecuted women in Washington, DC these days is Linda Tripp, who saved her answering-machine messages. Clinton loyalists have been demanding charges be brought against her for knowingly violating Maryland's unique wiretap laws.
I guess the Clinton team thinks those Whistleblower Protection Laws are overrated.
[C. J. Burke]

Thursday

Clinton at the Grammies

President Clinton, jealous that his wife has a Grammy and he doesn't, had a song entered in last night's contest. The title: I Believe All My Lies.
[C. J. Burke, with apologies to R. Kelly]

Wednesday

Clinton Goes Skiing

Instead of going to California this weekend for Chelsea's birthday, President Clinton will return to the state that he sold out to the Chinese (and did so proudly from a neighboring state), Utah, for a family ski outing.
Mr. Clinton has not gone skiing while President, and no one remembers if he skiied when governor of Arkansas. He may be rusty and need a few lessons.
Hmmm, does it involve a football?

Note to those with short-term memory loss: President Clinton shut down the coal industry in Utah, and with it cut off a major source of revenue for the Utah school system, so that he's pal in the Lippo Group would have one less major competitor for their coal. He was so proud that he did this, that he had a special ceremony . . . in Arizona! Utah is represented by Republicans.

Tuesday Evening

The Devil You Know

One Republican's stance on recent events:
"Though our forces stand ready to topple this corrupt regime, we must not forgot that not all our allies stand behind us, and that those on the front lines face tremendous loss. Deals and agreements are made and then broken, so we must remain ever-vigilant. But in the end, the devil you know, particularly a greatly weakened devil, is better than the devil you don't know.
"Therefore, it is my position that we should not impeach President Clinton."
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

Choosing His Words

Is has been noted by all the weekend political pundits that President Bill Clinton chooses his words very carefully when answering questions and making statements to the press. This should not surprise anyone because it is evident that Bill Clinton is a cunning linguist.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

Monday Evening

White House New Hires

Submitted by many people:
Did you hear who was hired as the new White House intern? Lorena Bobbit.
Did you hear who Clinton hired to pilot Air Force One? Kelly Flynn.

Monday Morning

Thought for Today

Now that Tara Lipinski has won the Olympic Gold Medal for figure-skating, do you think that President Clinton will invite her to the White House to congratulate her? Did you think her parents will let her go?
Great country, isn't it, where you can't trust to leave your 15-year-old daughter alone with the President.

New Disney Movies

By now you've heard the joke from the Acadamy Awards telecast last year that Disney is making a movie about Bill Clinton entitled 101 Donations. But you probably didn't know that there are a whole bunch of sequels in the works, including:
[C. J. Burke]

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