THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE
Hillary's Birthday and Monica's Halloween Problems
Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the
current President.
Friday, October 29, 1999
Poor Monica's Halloween Problem
Pity poor Monica Lewinsky. She thought she had it made this
Halloween. She just grabbed her blue dress and beret and figured
she could get lots of free candy going as one of the most popular
costumes of the season: herself.
But everywhere she left, men grabbed their zippers and said,
"Hey, I've got a treat for you."
[C. J. Burke]
Halloween immortality for Monica.
and a
Safe and
Happy
Halloween
to everyone
Thursday, October 28, 1999
Monica's Diet
Photos showing Monica Lewinsky's progress in her highly-publicized
diet deal with Jenny Craig shows that their newest spokeswoman is
making headway in her battle to lose 100 lbs. In fact, she's lost
30 lbs. already.
I can't wait to hear her new commercial touting her success:
"Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky. Ever since I started on the Jenny
Craig Diet, I think twice about everything I put in my mouth..."
[C. J. Burke]
Wednesday, October 27, 1999
Million Dollar Birthday
Hillary Clinton's Broadway Birthday Fundraiser for her non-declared
campaign was expected to raise a million dollars, making it the biggest
hit so far this Broadway season.
Hillary was serenaded with special versions of "New York, New York",
"My Boy Bill" (from Carouser, er ...
Carousel and re-written as "My Gal Hil"), "This Is the
Moment" and other Broadway hits.
The Top Ten Songs That Didn't Make Hillary's Show
10. "Hopelessly Devoted to You"
9. "Some enchanted evening, you may see Lewinsky!"
8. "Luck Be a Lady Tonight"
and "I've Got the Horse Right Here"
7. "Master of the House" from Les Miserables
6. "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" from A Chorus Line
5. the love theme from Miss Saigon
4. "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha
3. anything from La Cage aux Folles
2. "Send in the Clowns"
1. "Beauty and the Beast"
[C. J. Burke]
And now a salute to our Founding Fathers, from
the musical 1776:
"Mr. Jefferson, dear Mr. Jefferson,
I'm only forty-one, I still have my virility.
And I could romp through Cupid's grove with great agility
But life is than sexual combustibility!
And finally, the Originality Award to that Magnum-hating Rosie
O'Donnell, who bought down the house with crack about Rudy Guiliani
and "It Takes a Village Idiot" -- except she's a few years to late to
be original with that joke.
[C. J. Burke]
Tuesday, October 26, 1999
Happy Birthday Hillary
Yesterday was First Lady Hillary Clinton's 52nd birthday.
To celebrate, the impeached president took her out to dinner.
They got a big bucket of wings at Hooters.
Afterward, Bill stopped at Barnes & Nobles to pick up a
gift for his wife: a new copy of Leaves of Grass to
replace her old copy that was broken when she flung it at
Bill's head.
The impeached president had to actually shop at Barnes & Nobles
because he hasn't been allowed at amazon.com since
the first time he logged on and shouted, "Hey, where the hell are
are the Amazons? What kind of Brazilian porn site is this?"
Hillary turned 52, which is the same as the number of cards
in a deck, which is appropriate because she's married to the Joker,
and she thinks she the Queen.
[C. J. Burke]
Monday, October 25, 1999
Does Hillary Support the Klan?
Mayor Rudy Guiliani did his best try to prevent a Ku Klux Klan
rally from occuring this past weekend in New York City, getting
strong opposition from the American Civil Liberties Union and,
surprisingly, minority groups who wanted to hold counter-demonstrations.
Mrs. Clinton, who runs counter to Rudy on most issues, and
who recently came down in favor of a poop-stained
Virgin Mary as "free speech", has been silent except to say,
"Raise the minimum wage! Go Yankees!"
[C. J. Burke]
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