MONSTER ISLAND REVIEW

Premier Opening Night PPV

All right, let's start things off with brass tacks: why the heck is a PPV show being held in Georgia using a paean to New York City ("On Broadway") for its opening? Such a mismatch of logic is not a good omen.

No real opening festivities, we'll get right to the matches. Oh, by the way, your hosts tonight are Dale Jones, Old Man Rage, and Rrrowr! Sara Victory.

Did Angilas say we'd go right to a match? Not when 3, 2, 1, QUANTUM! is here to tell us about ... the FUTURE! Actually, he wants to talk about Christian Tyler being a major baby for wanting a match with him. Following a polite (ha!) dismissal, he then calls out A Big Hairy Ape (w/Clyde).

The 600 Lb. Gorilla v. Quantum

This is what we on Monster Island like to call a "Not the World's Strongest Opening" match. The two pull off a touching tribute to the legendary Antonio Inoki/Andre the Giant confrontation for a minute or so, then the Gorilla decides he's tired of pretending he's going to sell. Bearhug, break, bodyslam, and Quantum bails out of the ring. At this point, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Quantum has a dart gun he's fetched from somewhere; he tranqs the Gorilla, who will thoroughly sell for exaggerated gag weapons. Quantum is disqualified, but takes the time out to shove a banana in the Gorilla's mouth and pose.

FLATBACK: An interesting idea, but the main match should have been longer (presuming, of course, the big guy can go more than 2 minutes without blowing up), and if you're going to go this over the top with weasel tactics, they should at least win.

AFTERSHOCK: The Gorilla is pretty much leaving where he came in -- to quote Life of Brian, if you start with nothing and end with nothing, what have you lost? Nothing! Quantum, on the other hand, needs to rebound quickly from this point; blowing a match with a relatively harmless DQ is not a way to impress crowds with your cleverness.

Cut to the Lost Boyz arrival backstage; Kayo and Cassidy are trying to convince Alex Young that . He's not buying it, and he's really not buying whatever "surprise" Kayo lets him (but not us) in on next.

"Dangerous" Dominique Taylor v. Mark Armstrong

We prime up the event with clips from previous shows to illustrate the quick developing animosity between these two. Dominique keeps control (except for a few cheap shots from Mark) for a couple minutes, then Mack Weiler wanders down to the ring. Mark seems energized by the morale support, and turns up the heat on Dominique. Weiler unties one of the turnbuckle pads, teasing use as a foreign object, but instead it becomes a distraction for the referee, allowing Armstrong to strangle Dominique with the tag rope on one of the other corners.

Strangely, Taylor seems to get offended right into an adrenaline rush, throwing Armstrong around hard a few times, before Mark pulls out the thumb to the eye again and dumps him outside. Surprisingly, Weiler doesn't jump him here, but lets Taylor cut off an apron dive from Mark with a dropkick. Back inside, the two trade blows and reverses, then Mack distracts the referee again; this time, Mark pulls out a pair of knuckles, and takes a swing at Taylor -- it's a grazing clip, but they actually choose to play it as such, with Taylor recovering quick enough to flip out of a suplex attempt. Double reverse, and Mark scores a sunset flip for a 2-count.

Taylor ducks a punch and locks on a reverse DDT, then picks Mark up for a second one -- only instead lifting him up samurai-style and dropping him into a diamond cutter (boy, that's a lot going on). This teases a 3-count, but Mack drags one of boss's legs to the ropes; Mark surprises Dominique with a groin punch, and tries out his own version of the modified cutter, and this count won't be interrupted.

3 SPIKES: Quite a bit of action for a match apparently meant from the get-go to be a screwjob, but some strange booking choices (using Weiler for weasel tricks instead of a thug ambush, the blown knuck shot, etc.)

As the proverbial smoke clears, Weiler pops into the ring and starts laying boots to Dominique (ah, here's the thug ambush) while Mark smacks the referee for trying to stop him. At this point, The Violins runs down to join them -- along with Kayo and Cassidy. Now we have a pretty good idea what was annoying Alex Young ... Weiler gets ready to Dogpile Taylor, but The People's Dumbass and his friends cut that short, and Armstrong calls the troops into retreat.

AFTERSHOCK: Armstrong's group (the, um, Marked Men?) grows a little stronger, and a little more dangerous -- continuing their slow under-the-radar rise to become a major stable in wrestling. The mass beatdown gives Dominique Taylor the advantage of being able to credibly 'rotate' his focus to any member of the group for a spell (or all of them in turn), rather than stay tied up with Armstrong for a third match.

Backstage, Linda Andrews is looking for an interview with Derek Machismo, but has to settle for his son Miles. "I just want to say on behalf of my dad, Mr. Boy, you may be big, and you may be tough--"

"Mr. Boy?"

"Dad calls him by his full name, Shoeshine Boy, but I was always told to address my elders as 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.', and I don't wanna get in trouble. Anyways, Mr. Boy, as I was saying, you're big, but my dad's been eating jab-- job-- jarb-- losers like you for breakfast for years, and years, and years ... Anyways, the only glove he's gonna need tonight is the rubber ones to help the doctors carry you away! And that is the Gospel according to MY DAD!"

Jack Covenant v. Rasputin

Donna Matrix endears herself to her charge by changing his music to Harry Chapin's "Flowers Are Red". Well, there are worse fates, Ras -- it could have been Jessica Simpson. Rasputin starts off wild and brutal (duh!), quickly choking Jack into a daze and tossing him over the top, but Jack actually manages to skin the cat and surprises Rasputin with a clothesline. Jack slows things down to keep control, but Rasputin eventually gets his way, and we get a hardcore exhibition outside; it ends, as these so often do, with Jack backdropping out of a piledriver attempt. Back inside, Jack rallies against Rasputin's cheapshots and scores the Snap Dragon for the three count.

2 SPIKES: Good to see Jack win one, but unfortunately Rasputin keeps an iron grip on the psychology (or lack thereof) of any match he is in. If you want to do a hardcore brawl, book one; the meat of a normal match should be in the ring, though.

AFTERSHOCK: I'd say this is the last hurrah (as it were) of Rasputin -- by this point, the Premier leaders have to see how they have better "hardcore" resources available, people actually willing to work their style into the match rather than the other way around as Rasputin does.

Outside, we see "Grandmaster" Alex Spassky's arrival. He has a typically pompous speech for everyone. "Good people of Premier Wrestling, I must inform you that I have been to opening nights at the finest symphonies in London, galleries in Paris, and ballets in Moscow, but never have I seen such a disheveled lot of unwashed cretins as here. Perhaps instead of 'Opening Night' the neanderthals at Premier headquarters would have done better to deem this 'Twofer Night at the Bowling Alley.'" That belongs on a t-shirt somewhere.

"Mr. Tyler, it is you I blame for my appearance here among the commoners of your country. It was not long ago that I caused you to resign before the viewing public in bitter humiliation. Now, I must admit, as a confessional I did derive a fair amount of barbaric pleasure out of our last encounter. Twas far beneath a man of my station and upbringing to revel in your painful submission. You see Mr. Tyler, resigning comes easily to you -- and that is a pitiful revelation of your hollow soul and deficient character. But that is not why I dislike you so, you cannot help your inferior genesis. No, Mr. Tyler, I detest you because of these people's constant adoration of you; because the moronic executives of this company continue to elevate you as something more than the failed athlete and intellectual void that you are; and mostly because of your constant rambling about trials and tribulations you have faced in your life.

"You do not see Kerry Masters reminding us of his 3rd grade education, do you? Does Jack Covenant speak every week about his promiscuous mother and string of 12 stepfathers? I think not. Have we heard about Ian Darkholme's repeated stays in rehab? Or Jack Storm's forays into bestiality? NO! These men know to keep private their embarrassments and show some decorum. Not Mr. Tyler, no -- each and every week he chooses to regale us with some tale of his neighborhood, insulting mockery as if this is some stupefying program on the WB network, or a hollow message of overcoming for these ignorant children who would rather salivate over Eminem instead of a Bach concerto. Mr. Tyler ... I have grown tired of you."

"Chairman of the Board" Christian Tyler v. "Grandmaster" Alexander Spassky

The first few minutes of the match mostly involve Tyler kicking and punching against Spassky's warmup holds; Tyler shows off a good bit of amateur training (possibly working with Masters and Covenant?) in edging around the nastier graps in Alex's arsenal. Eventually, Spassky blocks a fallaway slam attempt, drops behind for a reverse DDT, and slaps on the crab; Tyler slowly but surely manages to power his way out of it, and Spassky looks like Christian levitated off the mat.

Tyler jumps all over the Grandmaster, slamming and suplexing him mercilessly for the next couple of minutes. He finally breaks his stride to attempt a dropkick, and catches only air when Spassky grabs the ropes. Spassky tries to work a little SHOJI! envy into the match, but gets cut short from the armbar takedown, knocked down with a clothesline, and then picked up for a sidewalk slam for good measure. Tyler drags him up by his face to claw-slam him for the win.

2½ SPIKES: Much stronger showing than their first match, though still lacking a serious spark -- their mic work is beginning to lock together, but their ring styles still need sanding down to fit.

As Christian starts to celebrate his win, he's knocked for a loop by Uzhas charging into the ring. Uzhas beats on Tyler a little more, then steps aside to let Spassky slap on the crab again; Tyler is quickly rescued by Kerry and the boys again, though, and the heels once more clear out.

AFTERSHOCK: The Tyler/Spassky issue still isn't completely settled -- but now there is an issue we can definitely see, and this match, um, "un-settled" things in an interesting fashion. Uzhas should be a good fit for Spassky's ego-driven persona.

Karl Morris v. "El Violencia" Chris Tamlin (w/Mark Armstrong)

This was a pretty brief match, relative to the rest of the card (and unlike such wonders as the Quantum bout, there's no angle-related reasoning). Tamlin sticks mostly to alternating neckbreakers with high spots, while Morris breaks up his stride repeatedly with suplexes. Mark Armstrong trips Karl while he's trying a belly-to-belly, allowing Tamlin to land on top for a 2-count. A dragon sleeper wears down Karl enough to let Chris spike a super DDT, but Karl still has the presence of mind to roll away from a frog splash. Karl tries to capitalize, but gets a low blow, followed by a DVD, and Chris Tamlin takes the 3-count.

2 SPIKES: Pretty close to a dalmation match, with awkward to follow transitions and some arbitrary reversals. Angilas would guess this was seen as more a workout for the principles than a serious match effort.

AFTERSHOCK: In the end, this match is primarily a time-stretcher -- these two didn't have a burn-the-house-down issue coming into the PPV, and even if they did, this match wouldn't have resolved much. Armstrong gains a few more points of public opinion in the spotlight, and Karl Morris might have lost a touch of credibility as a singles competitor (but I doubt it).

The Blackbirds v. Cry Havoc

"Heartless" Chris Hayes starts off more or less in control over Garland Rooks -- and less than a minute into the match, Hazard takes an 1FO bump, a nicely wild looking "atomic legdrop". The Birds manages to rally back when Hayes leaves the ring, and keep Hazard locked down for a couple minutes longer. Hazard slips away for the tag, and is rewarded with an 1FO gorilla slam onto Rooks, which turns the tide again.

Havoc keeps control for a couple more minutes, and on his second term in the ring Hazard actually takes to the air more conventionally, thumping Rooks with a couple consecutive high spots before tagging out. Rooks manages to grapple Hayes into the 'Birds corner to make a tag; Dawes decides to slow things down with a flying bearhug.

So rested up, Hayes sparks off the serious Cry Havoc portion of this bout. Dawes gets knocked around the ring, Hazard is tagged in, Dawes gets tossed outside, and Havoc nails him with a a Plancha Launcher. Hayes spikes Rooks off the apron before joining his partner outside, dragging Dawes back in and putting him up top -- a super tiger driver basically KILLS Jack, and only a last nanosecond save from Garland prevents this from being the end. Powerslam, powerbomb, and another save from Rooks.

Hazard tags in, and scores a shot or two before getting caught from a bodypress; Jack turns him around tombstone-fashion and snaps him backwards into a bridge (the Southern Lights Suplex) -- this time it's Chris's turn to make the last second save. Dawes is spent from the effort, and slaps in Garland -- and they decide it's time to show off some brutality themselves, putting Hazard into a double back drop driver. Ouch.

Despite that crunch, Hazard is still able to get the advantage back. Hayes comes back in for an 1F0 gutwrench splash, then they send Rooks consecutively into the post, over the top, and through a table (courtesy of a Hazard plancha). Since Hayes, at this point tied up in a referee argument, is still the legal man, Rooks has a little time to recover, and manages to surprise Chris with a kneebreaker and double STF. Hayes shakes him off, but he gets the hot tag to Dawes, who drops Chris with a uranage. Chris reverses a second suplex attempt, and tags in Charlie, but Dawes catches him out of the air again into a vertical belly-to-belly. A second SLS, and the Blackbirds manage the win.

3½ SPIKES: More specifically, 3 for the 'Birds and 4 for Cry Havoc. This definitely could be the sleeper match of the night -- these two teams packed a lot of stiff action and hard bumps into their time. Expect to see lots of clips sneak their way intom the highlight reels the league will use to sell videos.

AFTERSHOCK: A good selling point for both teams, if they can grab it and start marketing it. Cry Havoc showed off the kind of trademark violence which has made them a cult hit around the independent circuit, but will need a compelling story direction from here on out to capitalize on that heat potential. The Blackbirds have an impressive win over an impressive team under their belts, but will need to start talking about it for anyone to notice it (or, more importantly, them).

Men At Work v. The Lost Boyz

Two items of note: Cassidy joins us at the booth for commentary, and Kayo and Alex Young have separate entrances with separate themes (Angilas guesses Alex won the custody battle over "Mechanical Animals", though it isn't clear yet whether Kayo will have visitation rights).

Premier pulls out a quickie spicer-upper: the reversed script, with Men At Work making quick tags to keep the Boyz off guard, and cutting the ring in half after Alex bails to keep Kayo in the ring as much as possible. This might have risked casting a heel shadow on MAW, but as the crowd is already starting to warm to Alex due to the recent Lost Boyz debates, it makes sense -- Kayo's the one we want to see get beat up.

With his new bestest bud getting his lantern jaw handed to him, Cassidy isn't content just tossing barbs through the headset, and drops by ringside to add some physical demonstrations to his verbal abuse, but Young actually chases him off. This frees the target, J.D. Kross, to tag in for a Detour drop that ekes a close 2-count. Kayo elbows out of a backdrop driver attempt (what was it Kross said about guys who pretend to know that move?) and makes the hot tag to Alex, who almost immediately drops Kross with a Suicide King for the duke.

3 SPIKES: Choppy transitions don't dull the interesting psychology and in-match plotting -- this is a complicated situation that sorts itself out well once in the ring.

After the bell, Mark Armstrong and his stable (the, um, Marked Men?) rush out to stomp a mudhole into Men at Work before they can recover. Mack Weiler salves his ego over the Taylor escape by Dogpiling Marc Christopher, then his boss decides he wants a turn -- only to get stopped cold by Alex Young, who gives the good guys the breathing room to bail out to the aisle.

Young's "posse" call him to task for the save, and he officially cuts it quits with Kayo, and derides Armstrong when he protests Young's apparent ingratitude. Mark won't stand for that and sics the Marked Men on Alex -- and by this time, Kross and Christoper are back on their feet enough to pitch in a hand to help Alex hold up until the referees come out to clear up the mess.

AFTERSHOCK: There we have it -- a new Lost Boyz lineup, and a babyface Alex Young back in the mix. This match is subtly booked to support that arrangement -- Men at Work lose, but effectively they lose to the new face rather than the heels; they dominate Kayo and in the end are still fit enough to save Alex from an overmatched beatdown.

At this point, we take a brief break for organization promos, and return to see a new set of color commentators: Stan Jurgens and Scott Muir replace Sara and Rage. And for what it's worth, that cage is still there.

Backstage, Kyle Esprit is apparently waiting for The MAN! to arrive, and also apparently worked up into a neurotic fit. E.W. brushes away his concerns with casual aplomb, but Kyle isn't very comforted ...

Back in the ring, we have words from Ric- er, Jon Prodigy. "I don't get you people. I come out here tonight to beat the 'bad guy', like I've done my whole career, and you people boo. Real nice." Hint: Jon must be a career face? There goes theory #1. "I guess it really ticks you people off that I get to do what Kerry Masters will never get to do, and that's beat Jimmy Lowe straight up, in the middle of the ring and shave his head.

"Now Jimmy Lowe has come out here and said that he knows who I am under this mask. Big deal! I know you better than you know me. I know that you're the dirtiest player in Premier, and possible all of wrestling. I know that you're not a dummy and you wouldn't have accepted this match if you didn't think you could win, even if you had to cheat. Well Jimmy -- I'm not exactly a rookie either and I have taken precautions in the form of that." Prodigy pauses to indicate the cage -- so now we know why it's there.

"Oh, I almost forgot Kerry. Hey, Kerry -- I want you to pay close attention to this match. Tonight you, and every fan in the world, get to see two men try to kill each other -- not because they want to 'Be Like K,' but because they want to 'Beat Up K!' Kerry, tonight you're gonna see me and Jimmy Lowe pay the price of wanting to shut you up. As far as I'm concerned, this is just step one. You may not give a damn about getting in the ring with me now -- but you will."

Yyyeeesss! "Sweet" Jimmy Lowe makes his entrance, bringing along a surprise -- a rather hot to trot Angela Showtime for a playmate. (Hint #2: This may be meant to get under Jon's skin, since Lowe ostensibly knows who he is. Who else have we seen on these shows?) But before they can lock up, the lights go down, and we get a Very Special Message from The People's Smartass.

"This is sad. This is just sad. No, I'm not talking about the pathetic situation that has developed in the ring, where we have one pathetic, fake gangsta, fake playa, fake whatever is necessary to get somewhere to pay attention to me, bitch -- and I can say that, since it's PPV -- fighting another pathetic "Oooh, I'm cool, since I whine a lot and I'm in a mask" bitch, for the right to see who gets to be my bitch after the PPV. Now, whereas that is really, really pathetic, fellas, that's not what I'm talking about.

"I'm instead talking about I, The Man, The Myth, The Legend of Premier, has actually forgotten one of the most important rules of Being Like K. I'd planned this really big "final outing" of the Be Like K series. I was going to have Rio with me to provide witty and colorful banter -- but as you see, she's not here. I was going to do some very cool splitscreen graphics and special effects -- but as you see, this is minimal. I was going to come up with some totally new, totally original material to, once again, make laughingstocks of Jimmy Lowe and Jon Prodigy, but, really, I'm not even going to do that.

"I did look at your little confrontation last week, and I remember Jon coming out saying that I wanted to be like him. I guess this means being a whiny, self-centered asshole -- and, since this is a PPV, I can say that -- that does nothing but get on people's nerves and act as a general irritant. No, Jon, I don't want to be like that. I was like that my first year or so in wrestling, so sorry -- been there, done that, and they were making T-shirts for me doing it at the time, so I didn't even have to buy one. It does prove something I've suspected, though: Jon Prodigy, at his finest is old, recycled, mid-90's Kerry Masters. Step into the new Millenium, man.

"I also saw Jimmy Lowe come out and say I needed to find, what was it Jimmy, 'One style, one theme music, and one position to lie on my back'? Well, when you're the Straw That Stirs The Wrestling World -- and since you're at best a cheap coffee stirrer, you wouldn't know about that -- you're allowed a bit more time to spike the ratings. When the sales of every Premier: The Music CD depends on your track -- Volume 2 on sale at Sam Goody and Musicland! -- you're allowed to have some freedom to switch music. And, when you're the Epitome of What Everyone Wants To Be, you can do it in any position desired, any time, as long as desired, until the the important people, be it the fans or the lover, are satisfied.

"You see, Jimmy and Jon, I'd planned this grand extravaganza -- but you're not worth it. You're not worth Rio's time. You're not worth the A-V tech's and Premier's special effect tech's time. And you're certainly not worth me taking away vital energy that could go into showing the new Orlando superstar's Grant Hill and Tracy MacGrady around O-Town. Hell, you aren't even worth me away vital energy that could go into figuring out who's getting the Survivor Million Dollars, so you know where you guys fit on the totem pole! No, to "Be Like K", you must show people as much attention as they deserve, and you two don't deserve a hell of a lot.

"So, rather than come up with some big what-to-do, I decided you two were worth, well, a blue screen and a recycling of your own tired pathetic lines. Instead of the finale, I used the time that I would have spent on you two to design this really cool Quad U's shirt! Because, as we all know, Josh, Mitch, and Kevvith are a lot cooler than anything involving Prodigy or Lowe. So, you two go ahead, fight your little fight for Prodigy's hair or Lowe's jockstrap or whatever it is you're fighting over, and, after I deal with a real threat, I'll go back to clowning you two on Prime Time. Chow!"

Jon Prodigy v. "Sweet" Jimmy Lowe
Cage Match; Mask vs. Hair

Jimmy starts to register his protest, but Jon cuts him off hardway and gets the match rolling. The contest is pretty even, as both men are uniformly brutal and uniformly overconfident. Jon makes a cover following a a reverse DDT, but pulls up Lowe to try a sleeper instead; Lowe breaks it up with the Kiss of Death, but foregoes a cover there to try a rocking horse splash. He loses the advantage after missing a moonsault, and Prodigy goes back to town on him -- then aborts a second cover after the DDT.

As if that wasn't enough, he signals for the 'Brightstar' drop but hops short instead and just suplexes Lowe. Lowe punishes him for his somatic braggadocio with the palm thrust, but only gets a 2-count. Lowe keeps the pace up for a bit, but gets taken down and locked in an STF, eventually tapping out. Prodigy leaves the ring in short order, without the requisite shaving show for the fans.

3 SPIKES: Good showing from both men, with a lot of effort put into not being predictable while also not being clumsy and random; the psychology may seem screwy, but it makes sense in the long run, as this was a screwy match and angle to begin with.

AFTERSHOCK: Really not much of an aftershock to this (except for ... well, see below). Prodigy "wins" the "right" to keep feuding with Kerry, but we knew that was going to happen anyhow -- and do we really believe that Lowe is going to stop picking on Kerry? Seen in a big picture lens, this bout is little more than time filler. (Or is it ...)

The cage is lifted back up, and things are set in order for the next bout -- introduced by participant #1, Tex, No Mex who brings along a bound and gagged John Gregory (complete with backless hospital gown -- joy), ostensibly to announce a change in the match's stipulations.

David Goliath v. Tex
Saturday Night Saloon Stompin' Brawl, Texas Style
Special Referee: John Gregory; Tex must unmask if he loses

The thing about the old Terry Funk "I'm gonna whup him up into a major rage so I get a good fight outta him" approach is that he is the Funker, and you are just you. Tex spends several minutes getting his back caved in by David Goliath, including a couple hard shots with a chair -- David doesn't hesitate much to get mean here. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets a close two-count, and Tex heads out to regroup. David ends up taking a couple headshots from the ring bell, then gets half decapitated on the apron by a chairshot. Tex goes to pin him on the floor, only Gregory won't make the count. Tex chases him down to teach him a lesson, only to get smacked by a chair by David rounding the bend -- and that's a three count! Unfortunately for the fans, Tex takes a cue from Prodigy/Lowe and bails before the rest of the stip can be enforced.

4 SPIKES: All right, this was a cheap shell game to begin with, with a cheesily over-the-top justification, to end up as Yet Another Hardcore Brawl. But the thing is, it really was a good brawl! To take a phrase from Stephen King's Danse Macabre, it may have been fried chicken instead of caviar, but it was damn fine fried chicken.

AFTERSHOCK: Angilas won't comment on the bait & switch, except to say: Mr. Gregory, for a man so willing to hold court on the mistakes of every other booker in wrestling, you surely must know what happens to companies that don't deliver the promised goods. Beyond that, it probably benefits the league in the long run to see some degree of restraint finally imposed on Tex, and give the audience a hefty shot of feel-good factor.

Cut backstage, where Dan Lea wants us to know, he's not bothered by the idea of a triangle match -- he wants Jack Storm and Ian Darkholme at the same time, so he can have all his eggs in one basket, kill two birds with one stone, and otherwise allow Angilas to make use of convenient aphorisms. This match, he says, is going to put him back on the map (yes! one more!) for good.

Back out in the ring, we get a flashy entrance for Kyle Esprit and Billy Dick Lee -- who makes a showy ride down to the ring on a white stallion. Now that's inflated self-importance! He takes a moment to brag about getting the pin on Derek Machismo in their tag bout, before promising bad things for Shoji.

Shoji Watanabe v. William Richmond Lee (c)
Heritage Championship; No Time Limit

This is one of those rare matches which is immeasurably more fun to watch than to write about. It sounds like a dog to say "Shoji works on Lee's arm, Lee tries to generally wear out Shoji, both men have near-miss finisher reverses, and Kyle breaks up the match several times to save his man" then stretch it out for the length of the match -- but it really isn't. They manage to keep things mixed up and lively enough to stay interesting. In a nod to their last match, this time it's Lee whose gun jams on him, when his weakened arm can't hold on a Pillory; Karl Morris comes down to even up some interference by the Natural Wonders, powerbombing Kyle on the concrete to prevent him from further meddling, and Shoji gets the ipponzei-jujigatame combo on unimpeded. Lee sells the hold for a good minute or two, until he finally passes out from the pain.

3½ SPIKES: In many ways, this is what happens when one takes the classic Ric Flair/Rick Steamboat matches and puts a THX-dubbing digital remastering job on them. Strong transitions and good pacing support the flow of the match. However, the involvement of Kyle and the Wonders adds an unpleasant air of screwiness to the proceedings, which is then compounded by not being decisive.

AFTERSHOCK: A radical shift in destinies. Shoji's star is unquestionably rising, and this win simply proves it -- he's definitely one of the 10 biggest names of Premier. On the flip side, William Lee drops from being The Backup MAN to being an Also-Ran; ironically, he worked extra-hard in the last two matches towards damaging his viability as a "superstar".

Another station break, and another shift in announcing teams, as Jurgens and Muir take a hike for Karl Simmons and Jeremy Buyrate -- if a fight breaks out at a bar, somebody hires Jeremy Byron to do color.

Jack Storm (c) v. "Phantasm" Ian Darkholme v. "Devastating" Dan Lea
Light Heavyweight Championship

Dan Lea lives up to his words right from the ring bell. Not surprisingly, Jack and Ian (who have been pretty friendly to each other in recent weeks) take to him as a pair -- and it's still a fair fight! The basic pattern is for things to settle down into a Dan Lea meatgrinder, with a good blow here or there by the face but no sustained offense; the hot tag is made, the pair knock Dan for a loop, then someone has to leave the ring and Dan makes his advantage right back up.

The tide eventually does turn against Dan significantly when he drags Jack to the timekeeper's table and attempts a powerbomb, only to take a DDT from Jack instead, which also nets a 2-count after they return to the ring. Jack scores a couple high spots, then gets stunned by a low blow -- and Dan tags out to Ian, to put the faces against each other. They don't take it easy on each other, and Ian edges into the advantage, working up to a springboard shooting star press -- but picks up Jack instead of making a cover, only to get backdropped for the trouble as Jack (irony of ironies) tags out to Dan.

Dan misses a headbutt drop, gets tagged with a springboard legdrop, and sent outside; Ian pulls him down with a sliding DDT, to set up a plancha splash from Jack. They roll Dan in, Ian makes a cover -- and it's only a 2-count! Ian drags him up top and tries a sunset bomb, but Dan manages to get a grip on the ropes, dropping Ian off his back while staying on the apron. Unfortunately, he gives up this advantage by missing another headbutt dive, setting him up for a rolling senton/asai moonsault combo ... and that's still only 2!

Ian is apparently frustrated, and tags in Jack, who attempts a Fates Warning, only to see it reversed into a rolling German, which Ian breaks up. Superplex, tiger driver, and Storm gets up on his own this time -- the crowd goes nuts. Dan pulls out the stops and drives Jack into the turnbuckle with a Devastator -- this time, Ian breaks it up before the count. Storm slips away from Dan to make the hot tag to Ian practically as soon as Ian gets back outside the ring.

We'll continue more with the basic theme of Dan dominating over each man singly, but the double-team factor holding him at bay. Eventually the referee takes a bump, and all the rules take a hike, as Dan grabs a chair to nail Ian, only to have it taken by Jack and smacked himself. Jack tries a reverse 450 splash on Lea only to land on the chair instead, and then takes a Devastator into the chair for good measure -- but the referee is still down anyhow. Dan goes to wake the ref, and eats a missile dropkick from Ian. Dan battles back to throw Ian over the top, covers Storm with a powerslam just in time for the referee to make a groggy count (missing that Ian should be the legal man), and three seconds later is declared the new Champion.

4½ SPIKES: Oh, stop it, I did not intentionally knock off half a spike just to avoid accusations that I'd give 5 spikes to any match with Jack and Dan in it. That half spike is a combination of the screwy nature of the ending and the just-past-too-much playing of Dan as the unstoppable monster. But this was still an excellent match, full of memorable moments and very believable action.

AFTERSHOCK: This isn't over yet -- as wild and intense as this match was, it's certain that any recombination of the principles will likely still be a viable match prospect. Look for Ian to pick up the slack of a Dan Lea/Jack Storm feud when Jack focusses more on chasing Pat McGill.

The Quadruple U's (w/Master Kevvith) v. the Inquisition (w/Maeve Winslow)
World Tag Team Championship

The Inquisition comes out fighting like they've been faking the whole time prior to this match, with Mitch Watson as the Designated Ricky Morton; they counter everything he throws out, building to a super DDT that nets a 2-count. Watson manages a suplex to give him time to make the tag, while Craig slaps out to Lucas -- notice the lack of adjective "hot" before "tag", since Lucas stops Whealton dead.

Josh manages a more even tradeoff with the Inqs, slowly building up a bigger edge in momentum -- which then seems to be burnt off when he tags Mitch back in, and Mitch does little but bump three or four times before swapping back out.

This time, said tag has heat applied to it, and Josh manages to scatter the troops for a bit before finally being caught out an aerial move and dropped in a fallaway slam. That sends him running to Watson again -- but once more, Mitch seems more or less completely off his game, and just gets pounded on by Benefield before tagging back out. Third time's a charm, as the next time Watson reenters the ring, it's to deliver a running Luger elbow for a near-fall.

Shortly thereafter, Maeve goes after Kevvith outside, apparently intent on delivering a spanking; this distracts both Josh and the referee, allowing Benefield to score a low blow to set up a crucifix powerbomb for the three-count.

2 SPIKES: I know I've been one to suggest the Inquisition needs to look more impressive in the ring if they're going to get pushed, but it's possible to take things too far. One wonders if the Quads were ill or something, since they just didn't seem to have much work in them tonight.

AFTERSHOCK: Bookings like this leave one wondering if there was a drug bust or money scandal in the lockers we didn't hear about yet. The Inquisition is facing the tough challenge of proving they aren't flukes, transitional champs, etc., while the Quads may have to spend some time rehabilitating their reputation as athletes in general.

More station breaks, then we see the entrance of The People's Smartass, ready to announce his mystery partner. "All of this started weeks ago, when I wanted to prove that The Man, The Myth, The Legend, that is Kerry Masters could bring it in the ring as well as on the microphone. So I arranged to take on the best pure wrestler I could find. Someone who has proven for years he can take any opponent to that next level. He was delayed coming in, and that's when Patty Boy McGill decided to throw years of friendship away for the chance, the glimmer, the hope, of some spotlight.

"Well, Patty Boy, that man is here tonight, and he's my partner. He's a man with an international reputation. He's a man with international respect. He's a man that all of my advisors know all too well, and they know he can get the job done in that ring. He's a man that doesn't mind me doing all of the talking, and you know that goes a long way! He's a former USeW Lightheavyweight champion, and a former USeW World champion. And -- most importantly -- he is, pound for pound, the best damn wrestler the USeW has ever seen. Here is my partner for tonight: EL MAESTRO!"

After El Maestro comes down to join Kerry, Patrick McGill shows up to make his announcement. "Kerry, I told you -- no, I warned you about this Kerry. You have made too many enemies in this sport, Kerry, I could have picked just about anyone out there. In fact, I didn't even have to look for a partner, when word got out about this match, people were calling me, Kerry. So I had so many to pick from, Kerry, and I finally made my decision. I went with the biggest, toughest man in our sport today, and one that has plenty of reason to come here tonight and come after you -- and HERE HE IS!" The lights go out, the Eagletron lights up, and out walks -- "Godzilla" Greg Gardner!

The announcers seem completely shocked, but Kerry makes a quick recovery, practically jumping on Pat before Gardner even makes it to the ring. He dumps Pat on his head a couple times before tagging in El Maestro to show off his stuff -- but not much of it, tagging back out after a couple of takedowns. McGill manages to dodge a dropkick and start knocking around Kerry for a bit, working up to a sunset flip good for 1. Pat decides not to press his luck, and tags in the big man, who throws Kerry around like old times three or four times before bringing Pat back in.

Pat goes to work on Kerry's leg, alternately stretching and twisting it with various locks, but can't keep Kerry on the mat -- Kerry makes the hot tag to Maestro, who drops Pat and then practically snaps his arm with a swinging single-arm DDT. McGill goes scrambling for his corner to make a tag with his good arm, and Gardner climbs in to grab the pursuing Maestro and throw him over the top.

As Gardner climbs out of the ring after Maestro, the cage (from the Lowe/Prodigy match) begins to lower -- and Yyyeeesss! "Bald" Jimmy Lowe, freshly shaven, comes storming out with a big sack and a collection of baseball bats. He tosses Gardner a bat and a pair of handcuffs, and Gardner powerbombs Maestro onto the concrete before cuffing him to the railing. Lowe heads inside to take a swing at Masters with the bat, but gets cut off with a neckbreaker; Pat, however, has the presence of mind to grab the bat Lowe dropped and take out Kerry's leg.

1 SPIKE: The surrounding angle is actually impressive, if only for the combined cost and complexity of arranging it -- but it would have been a lot more impressive if it didn't mean cheating the crowd out of four of the most well-seasoned workers in wrestling. These guys barely had time to shake hands before the screw was turned.

Rio goes to get help, only to get grabbed by Angela Showtime, who helps Rio sympathize with her man by thumping her with a bat. Jon Prodigy appears in the aisle, and Gardner actually takes a swing at him, but misses. Jon charges past him to reach the ring, and nabs the bat from Lowe (actually getting a fair pop). He pulls off his mask ... to show the face of Roker Showtime (ka-ching!). The crowd goes crazy, figuring that Lowe's really gonna get it now, as Roker hoists the bat -- only to join McGill in slamming on Kerry.

This is really too much for the peanut gallery to bear, and Kerry's friends start piling out. Gardner manages to clip Dominique Taylor and Jack Covenant off the rampway, then chases down Christian Tyler and Jack Storm to the ring. Storm puts in several good shots on Pat before Gardner climbs in and throws Tyler out of the ring, just before the cage shuts. Gardner grabs a chain from Lowe, and padlocks the cage shut, while McGill puts a scorpion on a now-downed Storm and the others cuff up Kerry to the wall. "You ran your mouth about I'm not worth your time, that Jon Prodigy wasn't worth your time, that Patrick McGill was nothing but a shadow of his brother ... all this time, you thought that you were spending a few minutes here, a few minutes there, you never got the idea, you never got the point, that this was all one ... grand ... design. A design that would not only bring you down, but also bring down the system that gave you every break you ever had in the world -- well, every break other than THIS ONE," which leads to another shot with the bat. "Every single man holding a bat in this ring has been screwed over by the system at one point or another. Pat over here was screwed by the fact that his baby brother got one lucky break and has been the darling of the fans ever since. Greg -- well, anyone with a decent tape collection knows in detail the history you've had with Mr. Gardner, "Awful One". And Roker -- you know, Roker has spent his entire career doing things "the right way". But the problem is that you trailer park abortions don't want things done "the right way" anymore. You like your heroes charcoal grey with a chair in one hand, a beer in the other, and a promo with every fifth word bleeped. And you know what? That's never been Roker. Roker tried to do "the right thing" over where Everyone Wrestles Cutthroat, but you numbnuts TREATED THIS MAN LIKE CRAP! YOU ACCUSED HIM OF SELLING OUT! The only thing Roker Showtime sold out was EVERY GODDAMN ARENA IN THIS COUNTRY, and you spit in his face. Well, tonight, HE SPITS IN YOURS!" "Why didn't Roker say that for himself? Because tonight, the four of us agreed that I was to get the honor of being the one to bring the hammer down. Get this straight, Masters, and make sure you get a videotape because I know you can't hear me right now. We are not the Underworld. These men are not my henchmen. We are equals, we are blood brothers. And when I'm done handing you your ass, Greg and Roker will be flipping a coin for your sloppy seconds. McGill still isn't done with you. And then it will come back to me. Kerry: it will never be over. Not until you are gone from this sport once and for all. "Masters, you have FUCKED -- and, since this is a PPV, I can say that -- you have FUCKED with "Sweet" Jimmy and the rest of us since day one. And I have had enough. That man {Roker} has had enough. That man {McGill} has had enough, that man {Gardner} has had enough, the whole damn Grand Design, all of us HAVE HAD ENOUGH!"

The staff finally decides they can't let Kerry keep getting battered like this, and take the lesser of two evils -- and here's your highlight image for the video promotion: Kerry hanging from his handcuffed arms off a cage wall as it's lifted back 20' or so above the arena. The cavalry, now reinforced by Powerhouse Pruitt and the UnStable, pours into the ring, and the Grand Design (as the foursome will apparently be called) heads for higher ground -- crying all the way to the bank, in the phrase of the late Liberace.

AFTERSHOCK: I hate to make kneejerk predictions like this, but in some cases, they're necessary -- the Grand Design is, as of its creation, the heel stable to watch. Jimmy Lowe was already one of the most hated men in the fed, and adding the name values of "Roker Showtime" and "Greg Gardner" to the mix -- heck, the fact that Pat McGill has been doing a smashup job keeping pace with Kerry's mouth on the mic is practically gilding the lily. Oddly enough, Kerry benefits even more than Lowe and McGill from this booking -- with the consolidation of at least three threads of conflict, he no longer looks stretched so thin across the booking map.

We linger around for medical reassurances on Kerry, Jack, and Rio, then the camera heads in back for a "walking" glimpse of Derek Machismo. Then another cameraman catches up with Greg Gardner, apparently having parted ways with his comrades to take five on a backstage bench.

Dale asks him about the recent fiasco, and Greg gives this meandering explanation: "My family's first Christmas stateside, the first in ten years I've had the chance to spend with all my relatives in America. I'm watching one of my nephews, he's just now a teenager, unwrap a present from me -- it's a wrestling game I picked up in Shinjuku, and he runs off with his brother to pop it in the Playstation right away. I can overhear them, happy and excited, as they start playing with a Create A Wrestler feature its got ... little Leon says to his older brother, 'Try making Uncle Greg'. And brother Merle says 'No ... I want to make Kerry Masters ... he's cooler.'

Apparently, Greg still considers Kerry slime after all this time, and is mortified to think that kids (especially his kids) may not think so; he also apparently considers it his fault, for letting Kerry, you know, live. Now he's back to fix that 'mistake'.

"You want to be a hero now, Kerry, do this: you warn them. Everyone. Tell your friends, tell your partners, tell your towel-boy. Tell them what only you can -- tell them the monster is here. From now on, each and every soul in Premier Wrestling lives in fear -- because every step you hear behind you, and every shadow that falls over you, might be me."

Derek Machismo v. E.W. Dream (c)
World Championship; Modified Pure Science
Special Referee: Powerhouse Pruitt

The two powerhouses jaw for a bit in the ring, then face off in a test of strength, which leans first Dream, than Derek, until Dream cuts it off with a shoulderblock. Good metaphor for the opening minutes of the match, as Derek and Dream trade near-misses, blocks, and reversals fairly frequently. Derek stuns Dream with a suplex, then escalates to a backdrop driver that gets two -- possibly because of the golfclub shot to the face that Kyle sneaks by Pruitt's less than Argus-like eyes.

The champ manages to claw back to an even match, then clotheslines Derek over the ropes ... then nails Pruitt with the same clothesline. Somehow, Pruitt comes to the conclusion that Derek 'assaulted him' and gives Dream the fireball glove -- how the hell he could miss the big arm on the back of his neck while he was watching the only other man in the arena is a mystery for the ages. Or, more likely, a blatant hint that this is going to become a clusterfuck.

Dream actually sends Kyle to the back at this point, then calls for a mic -- and proceeds to threaten Jenna Machismo (in the stands) with the glove, effectively holding her hostage unless Derek throws the match. Derek makes a lunge for Dream and misses -- and Dream ends up taking off the glove, and tossing it to Jenna. He signals for the Dreamland Express, and nails Derek into the concrete -- as he heads in for the pin ... SPLOOSH!

Angilas can't recall having ever seen a pin broken up by a water balloon before, but then, Angilas can't recall ever seeing a manager who can't apply for a driver's license either before Harrison Eagle started booking. Dream shrugs it off and goes for the cover again, and this time Kevvith nails Pruitt with a balloon. Dream switches to a Boston crab, trying to wring out a submission. Derek goes on a long crawl for the ropes, backed by the fan's cheers, and finally makes it.

Dream heads outside, grabs a chair (actually, Jeremy Byron gives him his chair), and stalks back to the ring, only to be blocked off by Pruitt; Pruitt takes the chair, then he takes a swing at (and misses) Derek. While Derek's still dumbfounded at this display of (cough) referee bias, Kevvith shows up in the ring and pitches a fire tab at Pruitt. Kyle Esprit, back at ringside, hands Dream the golf club -- only Dream doesn't seem too sure of what he's going to do with it against a 12-year old. The rest of the Unstable and the Corps d'Esprit show up in the aisle and get tangled together in a brawl, and Derek seizes the chance in the confusion to drop Dream with a Powerdriver.

Derek doesn't cover, but instead goes for Pruitt's throat -- that opens him up for a club shot from Kyle, which is worth a one count. Shot to the eyes, Dreamland Express, and that will be worth three. As Dream is announced winner, Pruitt backstabs him and powerbombs him out. Oookay.

1 SPIKE: Man, they tried, they really tried. This is a classic blunder -- Premier got so uptight over the importance of their first big World Title defense, they overbooked it a half dozen different ways. And as the saying goes, too many books spoil the supercard. There was still some genuinely entertaining moments in this event, but there wasn't really a match -- this was like watching a live reenactment of the highlight reel for a memorable feud leading up to a PPV match, with a dozen match's worth of booking ideas stuck into it.

AFTERSHOCK: Grapevine has it that Derek is going to be cementing a stronger relationship with Kevvith and the Unstable, hinted at here with the presence of Miles et al. For that direction, this match was a pretty fair setup. For all the screwiness of the match, Dream is still in a good position as champ -- the fan's view coming out of this is probably in line with Derek's party line (that Dream doesn't need the dirty tricks to be champ, and is in fact weakening himself by relying on them -- yes, he tried every dirty trick in the book tonight, but he also pretty much laid out the legend with one move.) The big zero in this equation is Pruitt, whose involvement can potentially poison both sides of the feud -- for a fed whose topkick has written public diatribes against 'multiple alignment syndrome', why Premier would decide to stick Pruitt into an angle where he can only be a barrier to building interest, rather than building interest himself, is incomprehensible. Chalk it off to the susceptibility of management (in any sport) to the myth of "veteran leadership".

OVERALL: A tentative claws up -- this is going to be worth nabbing on video for the historical value alone (plus the Cry Havoc and Light Heavyweight matches). But Premier has a lot of work to do in the future to keep from eating itself alive with misguided booking decisions. The strange thing is, a great deal of their problems would be solved simply by John Gregory practicing what he preaches in his net.columns.

Angilas, shambling off. Roar.