MasterStrokes

by Kerry Masters; as printed in the Orlando Sentinel.
The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the editorial opinions of the e-Casa maintainers.

After weeks of political thoughts, Diallo musings, ponderings on the state of affairs of the WNBA, and analysis of the upcoming SFL season, it's time to actually sit down and think about the sport that everyone knows me for: Wrestling. This weekend is Universal Superstars of Premier's first Pay-Per-View event, aptly titled Opening Night. The fourteen match roster is one of the biggest, more challenging undertakings in Summit history, and, of course, everyone's favorite Epitome of What Everyone Wants To Be will be appearing. So, to hype up the card, and get in even better with my boss, here's a listing of the matches (read: Free Advertisement! Woo-Hoo!), as well as my Awesome predictions.

(1) 600 Pound Gorilla vs. Quantum. The Gorilla is a Summit legend, and one of the biggest competitors in sports history. Quantum is a newcomer to the Summit, and one with a very unbalanced outlook on life: he thinks he is a time traveller, coming back to change history. Quantum is a big X-factor -- he hasn't been in a match yet -- but six hundred pounds is still six hundred pounds. I predict the Gorilla to win as soon as Quantum makes a mistake.

(2) "Dangerous" Dominique Taylor vs. Mark Armstrong. Taylor is another Summit newcomer, who barely went down in defeat to Mark Armstrong in his first match in Premier. Mark Armstrong is a wrestler/manager that leads thugs like Mack Weiler and Chris Tamlin. Taylor challenged Armstrong to a rematch after the last match, and Armstrong responded with a steel chair upside Taylor's noggin. Since this is not exactly the diplomat's method of accepting the challenge, we'll see them battle it out at Opening Night. Taylor is mad, and he's hungry, but Armstrong has Weiler and Tamlin. I'll pick Taylor, since I have a feeling Weiler and Tamlin will be kept busy during that match.

(3) "The Professional" Jack Covenant vs. Rasputin. Covenant is a former police officer, starting a new career as a wrestler. Rasputin claims to be the legendary "Mad Monk" (how did Premier get all of the crazies?). Covenant has stopped some of Rasputin's mad rampages, and now Rasputin's going to try to repay him with a beating. As long as Rasputin's buddies, the Inquisition, don't chime in, I see Covenant's wrestling skills prevailing. Of course, I think Inquisition have enough to worry about themselves -- see below.

(4) "Chairman of the Board" Christian Tyler vs. "Grandmaster" Alex Spassky. Tyler's a former basketball star; Spassky's a former world-class chess player. Spaasky got the best of Tyler in their first encounter, and tried to put my good friend out of the sport for good. Spaasky doesn't understand that all he did was light a fire under my friend's butt, so expect the Chairman to slam the Grandmaster on Sunday.

(5) "El Violencia" Chris Tamlin vs. Karl Morris. Tamlin is a loudmouth, highflying thug that is managed by Mark Armstrong; Morris is a solid technical marvel that lets his in-ring action speak for himself. After Tamlin got a taste of defeat at the hands of Morris, he begged for a little more. Karl has been trained by the best, and I can't see either Tamlin's high risk style or his cheating overcoming Morris' skills.

(6) Men At Work vs. the Lost Boyz. Men At Work are a couple of regular Joes that do their best to entertain the fans and get the job done; the Lost Boyz are bitter punks that are mad at the world because they've been "held down". Their one encounter, a singles match between J.D. Kross of Men At Work and Alex Young of the Lost Boyz, became a big brawl between Men at Work, the Lost Boyz (with their new member Cassidy), and the Premier Tag Champions, the Quadruple U's. Men At Work have been a tag team a lot longer, so I see them pulling this out, despite the three-on-two odds.

(7) Cry Havoc vs. the Blackbirds. Cry Havoc is a tag team, with one suicidal member and one homicidal member willing to kill the suicidal member to win; the Blackbirds are a technically sound team that does their talking between the ropes. The Blackbirds intervened when Cry Havoc attempted to show their suicidal/homicidal nature by beating on their opponents after winning, so we're seeing a showdown here. In terms of my predictions, well, it's hard to go with the guy that wants to hurt himself to hurt you. The Blackbirds, therefore, are my favorites.

(8) Jimmy Lowe vs. Jon Prodigy. Jimmy's hair and Prodigy's mask are on the line. Jimmy Lowe is a loudmouth, wanna-be gangster that wants to beat me up; Jon Prodigy is a loudmouth wanna-be anything that wants to beat me up. This match is to see who gets to attempt to beat me up. Who cares who wins; it's not like either of these guys can beat me up anyway.

(9) Tex vs. David Goliath. Pure Science Rules, if Tex loses, he loses his mask. Tex is a mean brawler that likes to hurt people; David Goliath is a seven foot monster of a man with a love for the fans. After Goliath was made commissioner, Tex went on a rampage. To stop this, Goliath "punished" him with this match. Pure Science Rules mean that any rule violation, even a closed fist, causes the transgressor to lose via disqualification. Since I don't believe I've ever seen Tex use anything besides a closed fist, I think Goliath has this in the bag.

(10) William Richmond Lee vs. Shoji Watanabe. Heritage title match, No Time Limit. William Richmond Lee is an aristocratic snob from Virginia that's the current Premier Heritage champ; he recently went to a twenty minute draw in a title defense with Shoji Watanabe, tag partner of Karl Morris and a submission expert from Japan. Given that Lee was in a submission hold from Watanabe at the time of the draw, thus saving his title, I've got to go with the man from the Land of the Rising Sun.

(11) Jack Storm vs. "Devastating" Dan Lea vs. "The Phantasm" Ian Darkholme -- Light Heavyweight Title Match. Jack Storm is a high-flying tough son-of-a-gun that upset Lea, an incredible powerhouse light heavyweight; Ian Darkholme is a fan favorite caught in the middle when Lea tried to extract revenge. Both Storm and Darkholme hate Lea, so I can't see Dan winning. So, between Storm and Darkholme, Storm is my boy, so I'll go with him for the win.

(12) Quadruple U's vs. the Inquisition -- World Tag Team Title. The Quad-U's are smartcracking fan favorites and Premier's Tag Team Champions; the Inquisition are a pair of former religious zealots in the middle of an image makeover. The Inquisitions old/new manager, in my opinion, will be way too much of a distraction, so I see the Quad's retaining.

(13) Patrick McGill vs. "The Awesome One" Kerry Masters -- Mystery Partner Match. Patrick McGill is a former fan favorite that has turned his back on family and friends in his quest to be "The Man"; I am The Man. I can't give any clues to who my partner is, but I will tell you that people will be talking about this match for a long time. Oh, almost forgot my prediction: despite the fact that lightning struck and McGill managed to beat me last time out, expect to see an Awesome Aerial Attack, Epitome-D-T, and a 1-2-3 by the Awesome One.

(14) E.W. Dream vs. Derek Machismo -- World Title Match. Modified Pure Science Rules with a Fireball Glove available if a "DQ" occurs. Dream is a cocky, musclebound beach bum that connived his way to the Premier World Title; Machismo is a legend in our sport that is going for his eighty-seven-zillionth World title. Machismo is also on the road to redemption, having viciously attacked a fellow wrestler. Dream has been using that to his psychological advantage at every turn. However, great men rise above great adversity, and Machismo is a great man, so I predict a new Premier World champion.

There you have it. Check out Opening Night, only on Pay-Per-View, Sunday, September 3rd!

-- Kerry Masters