There's Backwards and there's . . .

BurkeWords

Monday, December 22, 1997

Updated, Tuesday, December 23, 1997

Funny thing about those PETA-terrorists that attack people, sometimes causing bodily injury and sometimes just spray-painting their victims. It seems that the like to target older people, the ones less likely to defend themselves. Unfortunately for those PETA-philes, they hit one lady who has her own way of striking back.

Last week, comedian Joan Rivers, who is also a radio personalty on WOR 710-AM, New York City, had her sable assaulted by a PETA-phile, who then ran down the street (in leather boots) like a coward. Joan spent that evening's broadcast (and a couple more afterward) lambasting these animals. Her listeners called in with support and horror stories of their own.

What strikes me as odd is PETA's tactics. Why assault the poor dead fur? Instead of it serving some purpose in its death, it'll now be chucked in the trash heap. And will Rivers stop wearing fur because of this incident? Hell, no, she'll go out and buy another fur coat! Oh, yeah, that saved an animal's life.

Best Caller's Anecdote: A gentleman called in to tell a story that occurred one night in the theater. A woman leaned forward to yell at some lady, "What poor, pathetic creature had to die so you could wear that?" The woman, turned around and replied, "My great aunt!"

I never drove off the road when I heard that one.

Proving once again that it depends on what day it is to figure what Bill Clinton's position on any given issue is, the President has flip-flopped on taxes, taking opposite positions within a single week.

The lead story I had been planning for today should have been:

But over the weekend, tax simplification went out the window, and the President plans to villify any Republican who plans to propose tax cuts. But I couldn't help laughing at Clinton's remark that he would support "simplifying" the tax code, given that he's the one who made it more complicated the last time around.

At this point in time, mutual fund managers have no idea if they'll have their computers re-programmed in time to calculate taxes on their funds short-term gains, longer-short-term gains, short-long-term gains, and the plain, old vanilla long-term gains.

Clinton pushed a bunch of tax cuts, but you only get them if you do what you're told to do as dictated by Clinton's agenda. More confusion, more pages of tax code. Nothing simple.

Thank goodness, he came to his senses on that one, eh?

Of course, it means that Bill Clinton really gave it to all those "soccer moms" out there. By dropping all tax reform, Clinton is also turning his back on relief of the "marriage penalty", which contrary to Clinton's beliefs has nothing to do with monogamy and everything to do with two-income families paying higher taxes if they of married than if they're just shacking up (like Heather's Two Mommies).

On the internet, on the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.snl, fans of NBC's Saturday Night Live are working out their grief over the passing of comedian Chris Farley last week.

One reader, trying to find humor in the situation, noted: John Belushi, John Candy and now Chris Farley. They all died in El Nino years. Could there be a connection?

Maybe Al is on to something here.

It doesn't matter what the rest of the quote is going to be, but when I hear those six words coming out of the President's mouth, I just want to burst a gut laughing and yell back, "No! You don't have the moral standing . . . "

My readers all count themselves among the intellectually gifted, not the group born without brains. That is why I'm sure none of you will be offended when I, a Christian, wish everyone out there . . .

for all the rest of you not included above, I'll add

or, possibly, for the atheists out there

Naturally, given the time of year, I had to cut this week's commentary short. See you all next week.