There's Backwards and there's . . .

BurkeWords

Monday, January 26, 1998

Don't laugh. It must have been a slow news week because the media were focused on one story for the entire week. They can be excused for that if the story demands such attention and there is nothing else happening that deserves more than a few words dedicated to it, but that's not what happened last week.

The Pope made a historic visit to Cuba. Highlights at 11:22pm. Or back on page 36. This past Saturday night, ABC News cancelled their one-hour news special on the Pope's visit to present a one-hour news special on the President. This week, the President is still mired in trouble, but the Pope had gone back to the Vatican.

President Clinton met with Yasser Arafat. I know this because I saw him sitting in a chair next to the President while reporters asked the President about oral sex. Lesser-informed individuals might have stared at the tube and wondered, "Who's that dude?"

Saddam Hussein is still calling the shots over who will be allowed to inspect his facilities and what facilities they are allowed to inspect. This hardly seems to be the terms of the agreement, nor was expelling Americans part of the bargain. Why they keep bargaining with him, I don't know.

Iraq is preparing for a showdown with the United States. Claims that the President needs to deflect attention away from his current scandal by starting a conflict are all the rage in Iraq. My Opinion: Good. If that's what it takes to get Bill on the ball, so be it. He should have taken this step a while ago, and my opinion about that won't change just because Bill's reason to start any conflict might have.

The movie Wag the Dog finished number six at the box office last week. It's been getting a lot of coverage because of the speculation that Clinton would use the plot to decide his next course of action. If you want to talk about plot theft, look at Saddam: he's stolen Clinton's usual attack plan. Slander the opponent on the world, discredit them at all costs, question their motives, ignore the actual message or any truth it may contain.

I, of course, am not entirely unsoiled in the matter. The Bill Clinton Joke of the Day Page, which had been reduced to 2 or 3 updates per week, is now in overdrive with 2 or 3 (even 4!) updates per day! But at least I have the excuse that the page is dedicated to Bill Clinton's foibles. I don't need to keep up with current events, unless they pertain to Bill.

This page is different. At least, I'd like it to be. But I've tried gathering news, and last week, it wasn't easy with the national obsession. Nor did it help that I was part of the obsessed.

Note: the following appeared in the "What's New" section of the Bill Clinton Joke-of-the-Day Page on Wednesday, January 21, 1998.

Unless you've been in a cave and haven't explored the Net lately (except for this page, of course), you know that President Bill Clinton is back on the firing line and has several serious questions to answer.

So what else is new? Well, for starters, these are the most serious allegations he's faced and stalling the independent counsel would be sheer folly -- akin to an admission of guilt.

At the center of the firestorm isn't another sexual affair (though there is one there, too), but the allegation that he told the woman involved to lie in a sworn deposition (in the Paula Jones case) about the affair. That's obstruction and its an impeachable offense. How serious is this?

I predict that if Clinton pulls through this one then short of him pulling the trigger of a loaded weapon on national television, he will serve out the rest of his term in peace.

Even Clinton allies are using two "I" words: impeachment and If. The President's career depends upon that "If" never being proven. And the fact that he was folling around with a woman only a few years older than his daughter won't help with his popularity with the public.

People are talking about two serious outcomes to this new scandal: impeachment and resignation. But there is a third possibility.

If this is true, and this causes his White House of cards to crumble and the cloak of mystery to unravel, if this serves as the impetus for others to finally come forward with what they know but were afraid to say, for the press to finally ask the questions they should have been asking, if this is the tip of the iceberg about to strike this Titanic President and allows a full public airing of all scandals, then resignation might not be a palatable option for President Clinton.

If what his opponents have been alleging for several years proves to be true, the President will neither resign nor be impeached. The third option, and I think a serious possiblity, if all this is true, is suicide. If the house crumbles, look for Bill Clinton to be lying under it.

I may be going out on a verylimb, and I must admit the odds are against it. Suicide is usually considered the honorable way out. We already know more than we need to know about Clinton's honor and what Mike McCurry calls the most ethical administration in history.

I stand by that, even if I'm the only person that I've heard so far say aloud that Clinton should be on suicide watch. That's mostly because, first of all, these particular allegations have to be true to do damage to the President. I have no doubt in my mind that President Bill Clinton has engaged in numerous sexual encounters that did not involve his wife. Whether that number was 20 or 200 doesn't matter. What does matter is if Lewinsky was one of them.

The President has been shown to be a liar numerous times over, but the press usually accepts his staff's attempts to bury any and all accusers. However, if he starts to become undone and his lies are uncovered, his entire administration will unravel and his legacy will crumble. Clinton idolizes John F. Kennedy. He's modeled himself after Kennedy, right down to the womanizing abuse-of-power. However, the one thing that JFK will be remembered for more than anything is dying in office. If Bill Clinton's presidency falls apart and leaves nothing else, he may, in a moment of sheer dispair, think the unthinkable.

I am encouraging the President to take this course of action. I am warning his closest friends and advisors that it may be a possibility. Ask yourselves, how much do you know about Bill Clinton. What have you found out -- not just this week, but in the time you've known him -- that has shocked you? Is he capable of doing the things that he's been accused of doing over the last few years. What do you think he might do if the world -- and you -- starts to find out that it's all true.

It is unfair to compare President Bill Clinton with former Sen. Robert Packwood. A far better comparison would be Clinton and Wilt Chamberlain, who claimed over 20,000 lovers during his career. Clinton has long passed the Packwood Standard for measuring sexual conduct. Packwood over made passes two dozen times and we don't even know if he ever scored.

Yet the National Organization for Women remains silent, and so many others so vehemently support the President that they're willing to tell the public that whatever he does in his private life has no reflection on his job.

Hillary Clinton has even said that she doesn't believe it, and if she doesn't, why should we? Ah, Hillary, is the wife truly the last to know? Are you still gazing at Bill with rose-colored glasses?

I think not. You're way too smart for that. The fact is, that Hillary Clinton is not a disinterested party here. She rode the Clinton marriage into the White House -- hell, she practically steered the thing -- and she's not about to leave. Either Bill or the White House. Hillary Clinton has an agenda of her own, one that can only be carried out if she's the First Lady. That is a title she won't hold for hold if she speaks out against her husband.

Frankly, I wonder how a person with a mental disorder, such as a sexual dependency, can carry out his duites without it affecting his work. On the other hand, maybe he'll claim that under the Americans with Disabilities Act, he can't be forced to resign.

I'll step back and take an older issue now that has nothing to do with the current scandal.

Bill Clinton has proposed spending five billion dollars for programs to help people who aren't around to take care of their kids. You know, busy parents, always working, having to deposit their little ones somewhere until they find time to reclaim them, need some relief.

Question: why not propose some relief for those who stay home with their children. Maybe it will encourage more people to do the same. It's been shown time and again that staying at home with a parent is a good thing.

But in D.C. they never get too much of a good thing. In fact, they avoid good things entirely.

Everyone called it an upset win, except me. I expected it. John Elway finally has his Super Bowl ring and the AFC division finally broke the string of losses that have plagued it for over a decade. Sure, there have been some close games, and a couple more have turned on single plays. But all anyone ever remembers is who won. Well, this time, it was Elway and company who won it.

Not that it surprises me because, after all, the AFC is the better division. Don't laugh -- think about it. The "great" NFC for all the talk and blather essentially only has two teams: the 49ers and the Packers. Two years ago, I said the same thing, only I said "Cowboys" instead of "Packers", and last year, I acknowledged three teams. But it's back to two now. However, in the AFC, real football is played by numerous teams. The fact that the Broncos won twelve games and had to play a wild card game tells you something about the excellence of their division.

Contrast this with, say, the Vikings, who could have made the playoff even if they had lost the last seven games of the season, or the Giants, who played in a division that no one really seemed interested in winning.

So, I wonder if the President will invite the winners over to the White House. I wonder if he'll invite their wives. I wonder who the President extending the invitation will be.

Lots of them, lately. Most of them supporting, with jokes or observations. Here are some excerpts:

To: cjburke@io.com
From: PECONIC-PICTURES@prodigy.net
Date: 01/24/98 05:00:39 PM
Subj: Clinton

It's funny how predictable the Clinton apologists are. Whenever there is a scandal, they say that everyone should "take a deep breath". This from an administration that doesn't inhale!

To: cjburke@io.com
From: bullcell@iglou.com
Date: 01/23/98 08:16:16 PM
Subj: Clinton's pants

Isn't it odd that the stock market moves in the direction of Clinton's pants? When the pants go down, the market goes down... When the pants go up, the market goes up!
Maybe he's selling short.
J. L. Carver

To: cjburke@io.com
From: joans@pcez.com
Date: 01/24/98 10:25:30 PM
Subj: A name for the scandal

How about Forni-gate? Then Clinton is a forni-gator. Is he then at risk for gator-AIDS?

Note: PLEASE! No more scandal names! I've got them all numerous times!

To: cjburke@io.com
From: jlisk@loti.com
Date: 01/26/98 11:41:30 PM
Subj: A joke

I love your site. When I told your joke about Clinton's "Executive Branch" to my son, he responded "Yeah, and it's crooked."

When this is all over, I'll have to print up the leftover jokes. I'm getting way more than I can use, even after I filter up the duplicates and the ones that are way too offensive... even more than Bill Clinton.