THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the current President.

Thursday, June 15, 2000

NYC police have released pictures of possible assailants or witnesses to the "wilding" attacks on as many as two dozen woman who were groped, grabbed, fondled, undressed and vioated in public in broad daylight by a group of as many as 40 men. Police have stated that they want to track down all of these men.

A spokesman for the police commissioner stated, "We're looking at all amateur videos of the event and we've already gotten an alibi for Bill Clinton."
[C. J. Burke]

Not to make light of this horrible situation, but I believe that Bill Clinton's casual and even cavalier attitude toward his treatment of women, along with feminist defenders and their arguments such as Gloria Steinem's "One Free Grope" rule, led to the behavior that caused these attacks.

Wednesday, June 14, 2000

When Impeached President Clinton arrived at the Oval Office this morning and glanced at his calendar, he immediately summoned aides and ordered them to gather up some gay-rights activists and schedule a press conference on the lawn for some executive order he was about to write for the occassion.

An aide finally interrupted the flurry of activity, informing Clinton, "No, Mr. President. Today is Flag Day."
[C. J. Burke]

Tuesday, June 13, 2000

I ran into Al Gore today outside a Mexican take-out place.
I said, "Al! I'm heading in for some five-alarm chili to go."
Al told me, "That's risky."
I said, "Nah, I do it all the time. A couple of pints of that stuff and no one comes near me for the rest of the day. And then I wouldn't have to do any work."
He said again, "That's a risky scheme that will blow a hole in your colon."
I protested, "But then wouldn't I be covered by the A.D.A.? I'd never have to work again and they couldn't get rid of me!"
Al replied, "You know, I took the initiative to invent the ADA."
I said, "Great going, Al, but it's getting late and I have to run. Good luck with the fundraising."
Al said, "It was an outreach program."
Me: "Yeah, right, whatever you say. It's your story. Love you, Al."
Al: "You know, Tipper and I were the subject of Love Story."
The moral of the encounter: five-alarm chili may be riskier than fixing social security but you can get federal investments to put out the fire in your pants.
[C. J. Burke]

Monday, June 12, 2000

In an unusual slip up, Hillary Clinton blew an opportunity for a great photo op at Yankee Stadium this past weekend. It's an open secret that Hillary keeps her distance from the House that Ruth Built before of fears of massive booing should she show her face, with or without the Yankee cap.
But over the weekend, the Yankees hosted their crosstown rivals.
In other words, Hillary could have dismissed the booing by saying, "You know how those Mets fan hate us!"
On the other hand, some of those nasty, booing Mets would have been the sneaky kind -- you know, the kind that wears Yankee caps while they boo at Hillary.
[C. J. Burke]

Click here for an important note.