THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the current President.

Friday, June 30, 2000

Impeached President Clinton has refered to the Buddhist Temple scandal as BOGUS. There have been so many scandals and irregularities that they've had to give them code names. For instance, one of their plans for selling out American interests to China was designated

Thursday, June 29, 2000

Macys has promised that this year's fireworks in New York's East River will be the biggest ever. Impeached President Clinton and the First Lady will both be on hand to witness the event.
Said a spokesman for the Clinton, "'Biggest ever' is certainly a big claim. Anyone who's ever seen the two Clinton going at it has seen some real fireworks."
[C. J. Burke]

Wednesday, June 28, 2000

Personally, I think lying to the FBI is a "risky scheme".

Tuesday, June 27, 2000

Scientists have announced that they've completed the mapping of the genetic code of the human body. It is conceivable that within our lifetimes, we could find a cure for cancer by investigating genetic structure.
Bill Clinton is looking to see if they identify the "fat" genes so they can trim some off his next intern.
Hillary is looking if they can identify the "randy" gene to get Bill fixed.
[C. J. Burke]

Monday, June 26, 2000

Recent New York immigrant Hillary Clinton has gone on the attack against her Senate rival Rick Lazio, attacking his character and his financials dealings.
You know, things have got to be pretty bad for Hillary that she'd bring up the subject of character and financial matters!
[C. J. Burke]

Friday, June 23, 2000

News reports indicate that Bill Clinton may be looking for a home in England, near Oxford.
Apparently, he realized that Gore will probably lose and he may have to flee the country to avoid prosecution.
[C. J. Burke]

And the statute of limitations long ago ran out on Bill at Oxford.

Thursday, June 22, 2000

Hillary's Senate team is asking New York State Controller Carl McCall to look into the possibility of insider trading in connection with opponent Rick Lazio. It seems that Lazio invested money with a brokerage firm and made $14,000! That's right, $14,000!
A spokesman for Lazio said, "Yes, and he's learning how to turn $1,000 into $100,000 playing the cattle futures market."
[C. J. Burke]

This Just In: A number of gay Democrats are taking Rick Lazio to task for declining to march in the upcoming Gay Pride parade that Hillary Clinton will be marching in. No word yet on the number of gay Democrats that were planning to vote for Lazio in the first place.
[C. J. Burke]

Wednesday, June 21, 2000

We take you now to a meeting of Gore and his advisors:
Gore: How are things looking?
Advisor #1: You're losing in national polls but you have great numbers in New York and California in a head-to-head match without Ralph Nader in the mix.
Gore: And with Nader?
Advisor #1: Ahhhh ... Harry's got news on gas prices.
Advisor #2: Um, yeah, well, the price of gas is way up just like the environmentalists want.
Gore: Well, that's good, isn't it?
Advisor #3: Except that the economy is so good that people are still driving anyway but they're complaining about the high costs and it's actually killing the economy while they're still polluting the atmosphere and destroying the ozone.
Gore: Anyone else?
Advisor #3: We've starting spinnning the replenishment of the old forests in Los Alamos through a controlled bur--
Gore: NEXT!
Advisor #4: President Clinton called to offer to do promos for you as a witness to your character.
[repetitive thumping noise similar to the sound of a head banging against a table]
[C. J. Burke]

Monday, June 19, 2000

No sooner do we begin to wonder where those Los Alamos hard drives with the nuclear secrets could have gone then lo and behold, they appear right out in the open in a room checked a dozen times already.
Which, of course, leads us to ponder:

Click here for an important note.