THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the current President.

Friday, October 20, 2000

Al Gore, on the cover of "Rolling Stone" magazine:
"Just call me 'Woody'."
[C. J. Burke]

The Gores hoped that someday they could move out of the back wood and move into a shiny White House. But they had Bush problems. One Gore kept his distance from the Bush. The second Gore got chummy with the Bush. And the third Gore got in the face of the Bush. And they hoped that one of them was just right.

So on Election Day, Goldivoter went to the polls and thought about the three Gores. She thought that Alpha Gore was too brash, and Beta Gore was too timid and Epsillon Semimoron Gore she just didn't like at all. But Bush was just right.
[C. J. Burke]

(*) -- what else could expect from someone wanting to bring us a Brave New World.

If the Number 4 train leaves Grand Central Station at 12:00 Noon heading north at the same time a Number 7 train leaves heading east, how long before Hillary Rodham Clinton figures out where either Yankee or Shea Stadiums are?
[C. J. Burke]

And I would pay a massive Pay-per-view Premium to see Hillary sitting with the Bleecher Creatures.

Thursday, October 19, 2000

When Al Gore approached George W. Bush at the Town Hall debate ("invaded his personal space" Hillary Clinton supporters might say), Bush appealed to the moderator.
Sadly, Bush could have given one of . . .

5. "When you said you'd debate 'anywhere', I didn't know you meant three inches from my face."
4. "I guess why you agree to debate formats, you aren't actually agreeing to the debate rules."
3. "Say it, don't spray it."
2. Tap him on the head and say, "I agree, Al. Knock on wood."
1. "I'm appealing to Mr. Lehrer, the controlling debate authority."
[C. J. Burke]

Wednesday, October 18, 2000

Now that the Subway Series is official, here's a dare for Hillary Clinton and Rep. Rick Lazio (R-NY).
Mrs. Clinton should accompany Rep. Lazio to see a Mets game at Shea and,
Rep. Lazio should accompany Mrs. Clinton to her team play at Yankee Stadium.

It would be great for Hillary -- she can tell Rick, the Mets fan, that the crowd is actually booing him!
[C. J. Burke]

Forget the odds on the Series --
Anyone want to lay odds that Mrs. Clinton won't set one foot in either Stadium??
Granted, it might be difficult for her to get tickets. After all, she's only married to the impeached President of the United States!

Tuesday, October 17, 2000

Hillary Clinton would like everyone to know (and, possibly, believe) that she has been a New York Yankee fan since she was a little girl. And she points out, "There were no Mets back then."
That second part is true. But back when Hillary was a little girl, there were also no horseless carriages and indoor plumbing was a cool thing that not everyone had.
[C. J. Burke]

Okay, maybe that's not fair. How about this:
That second part is true. But back when Hillary was a little girl, there were also no state of Israel and television was a cool thing that not everyone had.
[submitted by C. J. Burke]

Monday, October 16, 2000

Note: Sometimes real-life is better than anything I can come up with. The following actually happened:

With the possibility of a Subway Series looming strong, Hillary Clinton said she'd consider a friendly wager with New York Mets fan and Senate opponent, Rep. Rick Lazio (R-NY).
Lazio replied that he'd love to consider a World Series bet with Hillary . . . as soon as the Chicago White Sox make it into the World Series.
[submitted by C. J. Burke]

Click here for an important note.