THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

We've sneaked into the Oval Office and discovered Bill Clinton's list of New Years Resolutions. A partial list follows, though it was hard to make out some of them because of the cross-outs, overwrites and catsup stains.

• I, Bill Clinton, President of the United States and all-around liar, cheater, socialist, resolve to do the following in 1998:

• With Al Gore's help, I've realized that as an individual, I am a totally immoral person and I shall seek the government's help to make me a moral person.

• I also resolve to never forget that as President, I am the government, and therefore can do whatever I want.

• I resolve to have Janet cover up whatver it is that I can't do.

• I resolve that if there's another bimbo eruption, I'll stay on top of her. IT! I meant, stay on top of it!

• I resolve to find a way to loot all the funds of the RNC now that I've put the DNC into serious debt.

• I resolve to meet with Prince Charles and have him invite over all five Spice Girls, especially that butt-grabbing one.

• I resolve to let Susan McDugal rot in jail -- Oh, no, wait that was last year's resolution.

• Let's just say, I promise to cut loose and sink any old friends and associates as they become liabilities. I resolve to discredit them should they try to turn state's evidence. (But that one goes without saying.)

[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

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