THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE
Warning: The following jokes may merit a warning
label for mature audiences. But then again, so does our President lately.
Friday, January 30, 1998 --
Earlier Than I'd Like
Threatening Letter
Clinton received a letter from a man who says he'll break his legs
if he bothers his wife one more time. Clinton goes Vern Jordon and asks
what he ought to do. Vernon says, contact the man and promise never to
see the man's wife again. Clinton says, "I can't, the guy didn't sign
his name".
[Bill Holland, billhol@mnsi.net]
Editor's Note: Yo, Secret Service dudes. The above is a
joke! Okay? No one is really threatening the President
with bodily harm.
Shout It Out
It looks like more than just the Presidential coffee are going to
stain the Presidency.
Yet Another Scandal Name
Probably the definitive name: Willygate
[Secret Squirrel, anon@squirrel.owl.de]
Thursday, January 29, 1998 -- Afternoon
According to Seuss
Dr. Suess Meets Fornigate
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
[Submitted by shark8me@hotmail.com, author
unknown]
Another Handful of Zippergate Jokes
Q: How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy?
A: He just keeps on plugging away.
Q: What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest
State of the Union speech?
A: You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.
I heard that Monica Lewinski's new job may be Director of the
Head Start Program.
It looks like more than coffees may stain the Clinton Presidency.
[All of the above: bbillpeckat@hotmail.com]
Thursday, January 29, 1998 -- Morning
You're Not Cleared for That
It has been reported that even though Monica Lewinsky was only
a 21-year-old intern, she actually had Top Secret
clearance. When asked how an intern would get such clearance, a
spokesman replied, "Monica was in involved with some delicate affairs
and had to handle sensitive materials. To that end, she had the proper
clearance to examine the President's briefs.
It has been argued however, that the only thing that Lewinsky worked
on didn't require clearance because it was quite public and clearly out
in the open.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Yet Another Musical Instrument
On Monday, the page posed the following question,
and yesterday, I had an update, and today:
Q: What's Clinton's favorite instrument? (No, besides that!)
The newest answer: 4. The obloe!
[Carl W. Breeden, cbreeden@smart1.net]
Newest Probe
Congress has just launched a probe into this whole sordid affair
and has put Lorena Bobbitt in charge. Lorena is known for getting to
the "root" of the problem.
[Mike Fleming, Flemingm@sharpsec.com]
Another Conspiracy
They have confirmed that the reason
Air Force 1 got stuck in the mud
yesterday. It was a conspirecy under the Right Wing.
[JennyB1001@aol.com]
Wednesday, January 28, 1998 -- Afternoon
More Punchlines
And now more of the readers' favorite punchlines sbumitted to the
Bill Clinton Joke of the Day Page. The jokes themselves
is left as an excercise to the reader -- assuming you haven't heard them
many times over already.
1. To keep his ankles warm.
2. Goats don't talk.
3. Just pay it.
4. Lie in that position (a variation of a joke that appeared
last Saturday.)
5. Over 1500 went down on the Titanic. (there
were several variations of this joke, which I thought I used
earlier this week, but actually never got around to.)
By the way, in case my intent wasn't clear (as it apparantly wasn't
yesterday), I'm not asking anyone to supply me with
the jokes that go along with these punchlines. Quite the opposite.
Medical Research
Medical Studies have shown that in the White House, you not only
can get AIDS from sex, but you can get sex from aides.
[Submitted by many people]
Another Musical Instrument
On Monday, the page posed the question:
Q: What's Clinton's favorite instrument? (No, besides that!)
The newest answer: 3. The strumpet!
[Mark Mackowski, mackowski@msn.com]
Wednesday, January 28, 1998 -- Morning
Feeneyfest
For newer readers, Bill Feeney is a semi-regular contributor to
this page. He sent in plenty of material last week and I'm only now
getting to some of it. If you want to see more of Bill's stuff (Hmmm,
isn't that what Monica Lewinsky did?), check out his
Floodlight
Findings
Q: Has the Clinton Presidency been blown?
A: Well, he certainly has been brought to his knees,
Bill Clinton never tried to fill his administration with "yes men".
Instead, he wanted "yes women" in as many positions as possible.
No President has brought pleasure to as many Americans as Bill Clinton.
And that's only counting the interns.
Bill Clinton -- the most hands-on President in
history.
Bill Clinton has an explanation for the entire scandal: "Those young
interns have big mouths and like to blow things out of proportion."
[All of the above by, Bill Feeney,
http://www.floodlight-findings.com]
Tuesday, January 27, 1998 -- Night!
Lott and Lewinsky
Q: What do Trent Lott and Monica Lewinsky have in
common?
A: They both want a better Missile Defense system.
[C. J. Burke]
Tuesday, January 27, 1998 -- Lunchtime!
The Top Five Punchlines
And now the Bill Clinton Joke of the Day Page is
less than proud to present the
Top Five Punchlines for Jokes
Received in the Last Week
1.She didn't inhale!
2.He didn't insert!
3.She didn't swallow!
4.Swallow the Leader
5. Oral Office (Folks, I used this one already!)
I thank everyone who submitted these five jokes over and over, even
those of you who told me that you were, in fact, the original joke
writer of several of these. However, if I get rid of these five
punchlines now, the number of messages I'm receiving daily might be cut
in half!
Watergate and Zippergate
Q: What do the Zippergate and Watergate scandals have in
common?
A: Deep Throats.
[Submitted, in various forms, by several
people]
Roller Derby
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a
professional Roller Derby player?
A: In Roller Derby, they bang females in turns...
[vanekomics@aol.com]
Presidential Nickname
If Ronald Reagan was the Teflon President, does
that mean that Bill Clinton is the Latex President?
[Bill McQuinn, cue2@erols.com]
Tuesday, January 27, 1998 -- MORNING!
Lewinsky Press Conference
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is going to give a
statement to the press?
They're billing it as The State of His Unit
Undressed.
[cjburke@io.com]
Bill's Sexual Problem?
Now that there are allegations that President Clinton has claimed to
have had encounters with over 200 different women in his life, it has
become obvious that the President has a serious problem and should seek
help. The first step, of course, would be for Mr. Clinton to acknowledge
that he, in fact, has such a problem. That will take some effort,
however,
because being a big man, he's the last person he'd ever expect to have to
swallow his pride.
[cjburke@io.com]
Latest Security Measures
Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on
Bill's zipper.
Blo-jack.
[RONOD@aol.com]
A Gift for Lewinsky
It's only fitting that Bill Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky a hair pin
as a gift. All he ever sees of her is the top of his head.
[Rod Miller, muniman@conwaycorp.net]
The Last Football Joke
Q: What's Clinton's favorite football play?
A: Making passes at tight ends.
[bblack@nassau.cv.net]
Monday, January 26, 1998 -- AFTERNOON!
Clinton's Sex Life
Q: How do you best describe Clinton's sex life?
A: Bent!
[dave@rollant.org]
Clinton's Favorite Instrument
Q: What's Clinton's favorite instrument? (No, besides that!)
- A: The sex-a-phone!
[beg@bon3.vsni.net.in]
- A: The whore-monica! [bblack@nassau.cv.net]
Lack of Evidence?
It's doubtful that President Clinton will ever be convicted of any
of these sex-related charges. Starr will never be able to get the
evidence to stand up in court.
[denniswh@pobox.alaska.net]
Some Miscellaneous Submissions
Most Americans think it's outrageous that a man Mr. Clinton's age
is getting sex from a 21-year-old, but he did get a nice phone call
from Woody Allen.
[Tom Hughes, TOMNUGHES@aol.com, Newsradio 680 WCNN
mornign show, Atlanta]
Is it possible that Al Gore is only one orgasm away from the
Presidency?
[Submitted by Steve, horseshoer@gowebway.com, a lawyer
with
a sense of humor, on behalf of an anonymous co-worker.]
Monday, January 26, 1998 -- WAY TOO EARLY!
Super Bowl Party
Overheard at the White House Super Bowl XXXII
party:
"For the last time, Bill. It's not pronounced Triple-X?
Aye, aye!"
[C. J. Burke]
Clinton, Carville and Hookers
Clinton attack dog James Carville is quoted as saying the following:
"Drag a hundred dollar bill through any trailer park and who
knows what will come up!
So, apparantly, Carville has admitted pimping hookers for the
President.
[C. J. Burke]
The Latest Evidence
As James Carville appeared on NBC Sunday declaring the latest scandal
a pack of lies, ABC News reported that witnesses have come forward
claiming to have caught the President in a compromising position with
Monica Lewinsky.
Carville's rhetoric has now been proven wrong. At
last, someone has finally seen the smoking gun.
[C. J. Burke]
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