THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE

Resolutions, Methodology, Paternity and TV Coverage

Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the current President.

Friday, January 8, 1999

TV Coverage
As the trial begins, several TV networks are gearing up to handle the coverage. Look for your favorite senators to show up on C-SPAN and and Court TV. And over on the Game Show Network, you'll find President Clinton as the new host of "Let's Make a Deal!"
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

More on the Weather
This weather update just in: It was so cold today that Hillary's glare actually warmed President Clinton up!
[Don, DOCJARV@aol.com]

Thursday, January 7, 1999

Clinton Paternity?

Lamps were flying at the White House over the holidays over news that Danny Williams, alleged illegitimate offspring of the President, was undergoing a DNA test to see if he is the First Son.
However, a spokesman for the Williams family stated that they had been unable to obtain any Bill Clinton DNA directly but managed to get samples of Chelsea's DNA from her former boyfriend. Tests have concluded Danny and Chelsea couldn't possibly be related.
Inexplicably, instead of celebrating at the White House, the news seemed to be cause for further lamp tossing, this time in the opposite direction.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

Sports and Weather
The New York Jets are ready to host the Jacksonville Jaguars this weekend at the Meadowlands. The Jags are somewhat apprehensive -- the Florida team is worried about their performance in the bitter cold snap that has crossed the country.
Meanwhile, the wind chill has dropped so far in Chicago that every member of V.P. Al Gore's Commission of Global Warming suffered extensive hypothermia and exposure.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

Wednesday, January 6, 1999

Clinton's New Year's Resolutions

Here are some of the responses to last week's request for New Year's Resolutions, submitted by readers:

For Bill Clinton:

Look in a dictionary and find what the meaning of "is" really is.
Remember to duck before Hillary starts throwing things.

For Hillary Clinton:

To take up the welding trade, then weld Bill's zippers shut.

For Al Gore:

Get rid of, in an environmentally-friendly way, the woodpecker that that keeps pecking at his skull.

And one that the President won't even acknowledge, so we'll tell you here first: Repair the damage done to the "Bridge to the 21st Century".
[Submitted by Jerry Hurley, hurley@q1.net (Bill), Marjorie Green, EmeraldMaid@webtv.net (Hillary) and anon (Gore)]

Tuesday, January 5, 1999

Clinton Methodology
The White House methodology is:

Ignore
When caught, act surprised, hope it goes away
When it won't go away, fake sincerity and contrition
Search for innocent parties
Destroy them
Blame others
Condemn your own actions without accepting blame
Lather, rinse, repeat.

[hankingram, hingram@vote4gop.org]

Monday, January 4, 1999

Dating Checks

An aide told the President yesterday to remember to correctly date all his checks.
The President was puzzled and asked, "We've planned a trip to Czechoslovakia?"
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]

With a trial coming, you can bet he's planning on going somewhere.

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