THE BILL CLINTON JOKE-OF-THE-DAY ARCHIVE
Italian President, Clinfinitions(tm), New Solar System and More!
Warning: this page is currently for mature audiences. So is the
current President.
Friday, April 16, 1999
New Solar System Found
Astronomers announced that they have found a new solar system.
Multiple planets were observed revolving around Upsilon Andromedae, a
star 44 light years from Earth.
President Clinton has announced that he'll go on a fact-finding
mission to Upsilon to raise campaign cash.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Quayle to Run for Presidency
Vice President Dan Quayle has announced that he will seek the
Republican nomination for the office of the Presidency. The Gore
camp immediately released a statement to the press: "Dan Quayle is
too dumb to be president -- he couldn't even invent the Internet."
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Thursday, April 15, 1999
Savings Credits
News Item: Millions of working Americans would be eligible for
$300
tax credits to encourage savings in new personal investment accounts for
retirement, under a Clinton administration plan being unveiled today.
That's right, $300! That's almost enough to pay for a Clinton
haircut.
[anonymous submission]
Wednesday, April 14, 1999
Village People
So far, it's safe to say that given Clinton's foreign
policy, in the new Global Village, impeached president
Clinton qualifies as the Village Idiot.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Monday, April 12, 1999
Clinfinition(tm) #30: Exit Strategy
Clinfinition(tm): Exit Strategy -- How to get a woman
out of the house.
Sample sentence: "Quick, Hillary's coming! What's the exit
strategy?"
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Thursday, April 8, 1999
Write Your Own Punchline
Note: the following is a true news story. I'm not going to
touch it. Feel free to create your own punchline, but don't
expect me to publish any of them...
News Item: There is a wild beaver running loose
in Washington, D.C. So far, it's damaged four trees around the Capitol.
The next line is yours. Use your imagination.
A Word From the Sponsor
The following commercials actually aired during the
Barbara Walters/Monica Lewinsky interview. These
were actual commercials; they were not made up:
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party,
and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the
following voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most
powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually
has the power to remove stains!"
Wednesday, April 7, 1999
Violent Crime Down
Federal statistics show that during the period that impeached
President Clinton has been in office, violent crime is down. In fact,
since the time Bill Clinton left Little Rock, the number of unexplained
murders and violent rapes have plummetted dramatically.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Through History With Al Gore, Part IV
Al Gore takes the initiative to condemn the use of the Internet
by stalking pedophiles and then proposes that they be allowed entry into
every classroom and that this effort be financed with the illegal
"Gore tax" tacked onto your phone bill.
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Tuesday, April 6, 1999
Clinfinition(tm) #29: Phone Bill
Clinfinition(tm): Phone Bill (1) What Monica would
do whenever she wanted to talk dirty; (2) what Chinese leaders do when
they need more advanced weapons technology; (3) what Chuck Schumer
does when he wants to remind the impeached president how he saved his
butt.
Sample sentence: "Oh, Linda, I'm so horny, I could phone Bill."
[C. J. Burke, cjburke@io.com]
Some Previous Clinfinitions(tm)
