Hey now what do you suppose
Became of Jim Thompson cause no one knows
He revitalized the Thai silk trade
but what a terrible price he paid
He just up and disappeared
Don't you think that's kind of weird?
Don't you think that's really weird?
Where the heck'd he go?

A monk warned him that it would happen
Still old Jim went off backpackin'
Last seen on a Malaysian mountain
Nobody has ever found him
Gone for 40 years and counting
Poof! Just up in smoke

Amelia Earhart, Ambrose Bierce
Missing and the worst is feared
The Lindburgh Baby, he's gone too
Lord Lucan, where are you?
You know what really gets me down
How some people just stick around
They won't get the opposite of found
They can't take a hint

No matter how hard you might wish
Some people refuse to vanish
Like a bad penny or a lost pup
They always manage to turn up
Don't know the meaning of buzz off
Stickier than lint

Hey why don't you just get lost? x7
Hey why don't you just stay lost?

Agatha Christie showed back up
Others didn't have such luck
They disappeared and then stayed gone
Try it, you might find it's fun
A favor if I might presume
Check and see if you're in the other room
And don't you hurry back too soon
Why don't you just stay lost!?

You say you want me back
You made a mistake
Well, little straws can cause big breaks
But I've crunched some numbers
And run some tests
To see which course of action's best

The results are in
Oh my, Oh dear OH!
Just as I thought
CARE FACTOR ZERO
CARE FACTOR ZERO
CARE FACTOR ZERO
1? 2? 3? NO!
Factor zero
CARE FACTOR ZERO

You might have heard of it
The Arabs invented it
The concept known as zip
If you're wondering what that means to you
It's how much I give a shit

So do the math now
If you dare OH!
Just like before
CARE FACTOR ZERO
CARE FACTOR ZERO
CARE FACTOR ZERO
1? 2? 3? NO!

Is it bigger than a bread box?

Let's say your plane goes down
And no food can be found
The question I put to you
Is: Dude, just what would you do?

Down and down again
Round and around again
I'll keep asking these twenty questions
Down and down again
Round and around again
'Til you decide that you want to answer
I don't want to dwell too much on it
So don't keep trying to change the subject
Tell me, if you were pressed
Would you dine on human flesh?
Tell me, if you were pressed
Would you dine on human flesh?

Say you had to decide
Burned up or buried alive
The question I put to you
Is: Dude which one would you choose?

Down and down again
Round and around again
I'll keep asking these twenty questions
Down and down again
Round and around again
'Til you decide that you want to answer
So choose now, the choice is yours
Take your pick you've got two doors
Door number one up in sparks
Door two way down deep in the dark

Riddle me this
Riddle me that
Come on now just gimmie the facts (x 8)

Pencil down hands on desks
That was a practice test
The real question I have for you
Is: Dude, will you help me move?
Down and down again
Round and around again
I'll keep asking these twenty questions
Down and down again
Round and around again
'Til you decide that you want to answer
Ha, I got you again
So now here's the real question
Oh well you know, nevermind
Don't think I'd like what I'd find
Oh well you know, nevermind
Don't think I'd like what I'd find

If you think I've got it all wrong
Come and show me how it is done
If you think that I'm way off base
Come and say the words to my face

Guess what guys, I'm wise to your bag of tricks
And you're in for a big surprise
Here it comes it's a
TON OF BRICKS

If you want this to come to blows
Keep on talking, see where it goes
If you've planned to have the last laugh
Hold that thought while I kick your ass

Guess what, guys, you're a bunch of no-account pricks
Here's a special delivery
Sign right here for your
TON OF BRICKS

Ton of Bricks
Faster and faster
Ton of Bricks
It's a disaster
For your mom as you've pinned down
By 2000 bricky pounds

Ton of Bricks
You're in trouble
Ton of Bricks
You're into rubble
As you're pinned to the ground
By 2000 brickish pounds

I can't believe you just said
That about the shape of my head
And followed up with that quip
About the size of my hips
And then when I turend around
You made that backing up sound
And while you were going beep beep
I lost all power of speech

Five minutes back I had nothing to say
Now my head's filled up with quick comebacks
The kind that make all the kids go SNAP
Damn that Esprit de l'Escalier

Don't you know it's uncouth
To bring up my shovel tooth
Does the whole world have to know
That I'm slightely pigeon-toed
Oh hey now, come on
Let's not bring up my mom
So is all this really about
'Cause I said no when you asked me out?

Honestly, I am losing my patience
You remind me of summer vacations
Why? well since you asked
You've absolutely no class
Honestly, I am losing my patience
You remind me of summer vacations
Why? well since you've asked
You've got absolutely no class

I can't believe you just said
That about the shape of my head
And followed up with that quip
About the size of my hips
And then when I turned around
You made that backing up sound
While you were going beep beep
BEEP BEEP!
I lost all power of speech

Five minutes back I had nothing to say
Now my head's filled up with quick comebacks
The kind that make all the kids go SNAP
Damn that Esprit de l'Escalier

Riding along I wondered
Just what I should say
To someone who's guts I couldn't stand
one more day
And then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue
The best person to ask would most likely be you

I know that you think
I'm the worst
Person that you've
Ever been cursed
To meet
And I know that you
Probably wish
I were pushing daisies
Through a ditch
But I've changed my tune

Walking along I wondered
Just who I knew
With enough pent up anger to beat someone
Black and blue
Then it came to me like a light bulb overhead
I know that you want at least one person dead

I went abroad for awhile
Learned how to say please
And say thank you
Fell in with a kindly old yogi
He had lots of good things to show me
I feel that I'm almost enlightened
Still I want to bash this guy's head in
I thought maybe you could arrange it
'Cause my new state won't allow it
Now

Lying around I wondered just who I could get
To help me have this big jerk that I know knee-capped
And then it hit me exactly like a lightning strike
You're full of rage and probably spoiling for a fight

I know that you think
I'm the worst
Person that you've
Ever been cursed
To meet
And I know that you
Probably wish
I were pushing daisies
Through a ditch
But I've changed my tune

Strolling along I wondered just how to ask
if you'd consider maybe kicking that dude's ass
I think I know what would make it real easy
You could pretend that that dude's ass is me.

Sorry I ran over your pet cat
Sorrier still I laughed so hard like that
Sorry that my old drug connection
Busted up your Hummel collection
Sorry I showed up at your old job
Sorrier still I brought an angry mob
Sorry about your tires and my razor
But maybe you could do me a favor
Please

I've been told by those in the know
That this is an ESTJ world
And though I soldier on and try to maintain
The search for love sometimes seems in vain

When it comes to love I need a prick eliminiator
What's your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator?

My friends say you're cute
You're just my style
You've got a cherry scooter and a winning smile
You've got rave reviews, but I don't believe the hype
Honey, you're not my Myers-Briggs Type!

When it comes to love I need a prick eliminiator
What's your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator?

I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
There's only 1% of me
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P

By temperament I'm a sensitive crusader
By temperament you're a slimy corporate raider
Your ESTJ-ness hits me just like kryptonite
Honey, you're not my Myers-Briggs Type!

So hop right on that scooter, drive those stupid teeth away
It's been really great to meet you hope you have a super day
Sorry if thats' rude- but you irritate and vex
It's really nothing person- it's your personality index!

When it comes to love I need a prick eliminator
What's your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator?

I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
There's only 1% of me
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P

I'm Introverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Perceiving
You're Obnoxious-Self-involved-Shallow-Deceiving

I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P
There's only 1% of me
I'm an I-I-I-I-N-F-P

You say chump and I turn around
'Cause that's what I answer to now
Or if you want, call me Main Street
'Cause you walk all over me

My friends all say I must be slow
They knew donkey's ears ago
I prefer to say I'm special
Even if you no longer think so

Please accept my congrats
You put on quite an act
You really had me fooled
You really pulled the wool

Ostrich-like, head in the sand
I always walk right into your plan
It's a hoot, it's a lark
To keep old chump in the dark

You devised a clever game
But the outcome's always the same
Just a slight shove and I fall for it
It never fails, you'll never quit

Please accept my congrats
You put on quite an act
You really had me fooled
You really pulled the wool

You say chump and I turn around
'Cause that's what I answer to now
Or if you want, call me Main Street
'Cause you walk all over me

My friends all say I must be slow
They knew donkey's ears ago
I prefer to say I'm special
Even if you no longer think so

Please accept my congrats
You put on quite an act
You really had me fooled
You really pulled the wool

By the time you confess
I could not care less
Here's the final twist
I already knew 'bout it.

Come on come on come on come on come on
Let's let's drop let's drop the F-bomb (x4)

The bomb I'm advocating isn't F-U-C-K, NO WAY!
That sad sorry word was played out day fore yesterday
So what's the naughty word that sends the men folk into fits?
Say it with me ladies, it's the F-bomb FEMINIST

Now some of you ladies say "I'm not one of them"
that's for dykes and ugly girls, the ones who can't get men
I suggest that all you all change your attitude
If it weren't for feminists, us ladies would be screwed

Come on come on come on come on come on
Let's let's drop let's drop the F-bomb (x2)

He says I don't know how to tell you but I think the condom broke
Do you wanna have that baby, no I know in fact you don't
Well girl you don't have to and who's to thank for this?
While you're chillin' baby free go thank a feminist!

You don't have to stay at home and cook and clean for finks
You're an independent lady making lots of your own bling
If you had to stay at home I know you would be pissed
So while you're on your way to work go thank a feminist!

Come on come on come on come on come on
Let's let's drop let's drop the F-bomb (x2)

Title 9 and voting, equal pay for equal work
The right not to be raped just cause you're married to the jerk
All these rights and many more too numerous to list
Belong to us, ladies, courtesy of feminists

Come on you know you're one of us, no matter what you call it
Cause those feminists you're down on did us all a solid
So grab your girlfriends, sisters, and bring along your moms
Join the revolution and start dropping those F-Bombs

bombs away, bombs away, bombs away, bombs away (x 4)

Come on come on come on come on come on
Let's let's drop let's drop the F-bomb (x4)

I gotta get away and I gotta not come back
I gotta get a move on but I don't know what to pack (x4)

So long suckers seen the last of me
I've got places to go and people to see
Day in day out you suck my soul
A second with you is like life with no parole

I'll never learn to breakdance never be a kung fu master
All my future plans have ended in disaster
My prospects are fading but I know what I gotta do
Gotta make a change before I change into you

I gotta get away and I gotta not come back
I gotta get a move on but I don't know what to pack (x4)

Shoulda asked Alex F________ to prom
Majored in art, not listened to mom
This is a partial list of my regrets
but I'm not dead so it's not done yet

Might I suggest since I don't want to talk
That you find a short pier and you take a long walk

So long suckers seen the last of me
I've got places to go and people to see
Day in day out you suck my soul
A second with you is like life with no parole

I'll never learn to skateboard never own a vespa scooter
Gotta accept I won't be getting any cuter
My prospects are fading but I know what I gotta do
Gotta make a change before I change into you

It's time to face facts
We're not gonna get jet packs
The government don't want us to fly
Hovercrafts are all a lie

Come on lawn chair meet balloon
Gonna trick you out
Head straight for the moon (x4)

A ticket on Southwest won't fix my jones
I'm makin' like a bird and hollowin' out my bones
Soon I'll be gliding throught the air
I'm a bogie in your sector but I don't care

Rocketbelts don't exist
But I sure wish they did
Don't let The Man keep you down
Gotta get yourself up offa the ground

Come on lawn chair meet balloon
Gonna trick you out
Head straight for the moon (x4)

A ticket on Southwest won't fix my jones
I'm makin' like a bird and hollowin' out my bones
Soon I'll be gliding throught the air
I'm a bogie in your sector but I don't care

I've decided my brother has asperger's syndrome
I've decided that's what's the matter with him
He doesn't mean to be so very mean to me
It's just that it runs, it runs in the family

He's high functioning autistic
That's how come he's such a big prick
I used to care
I fretted and fretted
But it's okay
Cuz now I get it

Lying awake
I toss and turn and lose lots of sleep
It caused me concern
Wondering why you're all such creeps
But it must feel real lame
To let others down constantly
But you're not to blame
It's not your fault
It's your pathology

I have got my own diagnosis
For every tick, quirk or neurosis
If you're wondering just what's your damage
Come ask me
Cuz I've got the answers!

I've decided she's got an axis 2 disorder
That's how come she's such a big whore
She doesn't mean to be a C-U-Next Tuesday
It's just that she un, she's unbalanced mentality
Oh yeah sure, she stole my car
But she didn't get all that far
Now I know why she was a crap friend
It's all here
In my DSM

Lying awake
I toss and turn and lose lots of sleep
It caused me concern
Wondering why you're all such creeps
But it must feel real lame
To let others down constantly
But you're not to blame
It's not your fault
It's your pathology

I have got my own diagnosis
For every tick, quirk or neurosis
If you're wondering just what's your damage
Come ask me
Cuz I've got the answers!

I've decided your ex has adult ADD
That's how come he can't commit fully
He doesn't mean to lie and to equivocate
It's just that he can't, he can't seem to concentrate
He can't manage his time or get organized
That's how come he tells so many lies
I used to worry
that he was always so tense
But it's okay
cuz it all makes sense

Lying awake
I toss and turn and lose lots of sleep
It caused me concern
Wondering why you're all such creeps
But it must feel real lame
To let others down constantly
But you're not to blame
It's not your fault
It's your pathology

I have got my own diagnosis
For every tick, quirk or neurosis
If you're wondering just what's your damage
Come ask me
Cuz I've got the answers!

I think I might try
To just make up my mind
And pluck up the courage
To act upon this urge
And formulate a plan
Where you're the putty
I'm the hands
On second thought no way
What would Steven Morrissey say?

He would tell you not to be foolish
Better to be sullen and mulish
The only way to keep your heart unbroken
Is to leave these words unspoken

Sure stars come out at night
But so do ghouls and other frights
We should stay inside
And talk about it while we hide.
And talk, talk, talk, talk, talk
Til one of us looks at the clock
And then talk some more
Til one of us looks at the door

If you knew what went on
Inside my head
You'd turn all shades of red
And be filled up with dread
If you knew even
Half of what I thought
You'd take off on the spot
And try not to get caught

Sure shyness may be pretty nice
But I need some better advice
I know that I'm unlovable
You do not have to tell me so
The kind of life that I have had
Would turn a shy bald Buddhist bad
Maybe if I ask politely
Morrissey would drop in for tea
But it's probably way too late
I'm guessing he already ate

I think I might try
To just put you out of my mind
You never look at me
Despite every opportunity
Had I world enough and time
Oh the pleasure would be mine
If a double decker bus
Crashed into the both us!

If you knew what went on
Inside my head
You'd turn all shades of red
And be filled up with dread
If you knew even
Half of what I thought
You'd take off on the spot
And try not to get caught

Not long ago in the summertime
Was a place where people used to go
They'd hop the trolley and head up north
To a park they call Glen Echo

In this sticky swampy town
People sought to beat the heat
After sweating all week long
A Glen Echo trip was such a treat

The roller coasters and the bumper cars
The tunnel of love with its painted stars
They were awesome they were cool
But best of all was the Crystal Pool
It had fountains and clear blue waters
Twisty slides and a sandy beach
A striped cabana where they sold refreshments
Soft drinks for a quarter each

For years and years the Crystal Pool
Was DC's aquatic paradise
But beneath the sun and spray
Not everything was quite so nice

As ideal as all this sounds
The pool it had a big drawback
You could only frolic there
If you happened not to be black

When they were forced to integrate
The owners didn't celebrate
They feared miscegenation
On our summer vacation

Oh you fiends, you mad mad fools
You shut down the Crystal Pools! (x 4)

I wanted to wade in the shallows
I wanted to bathe with the fellas
I wanted to lie in the shade
While you brought me lemonade
I wanted to dive in the deep end
While you worked on your sweet tan
Now were forced because of those bigots
To pretend with a hose and a spigot

Because now we'll never go
We'll never go to Glen Echo (x 4)

On those days that are 100 plus
When all you crave is some relief
The cruel sun comes blazing down
Humidity's beyond belief

When you dream of Crystal Pools
And realize we're out of luck
If anybody asks how come
Tell 'em, cuz: white people suck