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Flash's
Joke of the Week
Each week, Flash's Joke of the Week presents a three-joke set consisting of one joke for general audiences, a second geared towards the younger set, and - as an added bonus - an All-Time Classic. All jokes are guaranteed G-rated, suitable for reading by visitors of all ages. Visitors are invited to log on each week
for a new joke set; and to check out past joke sets, which are archived
on this webpage.
For the week beginning June 8, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#190
Joke of the Week: An official from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services approached an exhausted two-income couple and asked, “Is there anything that the government could do to help you regarding your child-care needs?” “Well... you could lower taxes enough so that one of us could stay home with the children.” “Besides that, I mean.”
For the younger set: A few classic puns.
What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine? You get a slowpoke.
How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Who won the race to the beach – the big wave or the little wave? Neither. They… tied.
All-Time Classic: With my high school reunion coming up this week, I herewith present this all-time high school reunion classic. A man attending his high school reunion went up to another man from his graduating class and shook his hand vigorously. "Well, Tom Foreman, as I live and breathe. It’s nice to see you again. Well, you're sure looking good. You used to be sort of heavy-set, but you've really trimmed down. Also, I remember you as having blond hair, but I see that it’s kind of darkened. You also look like you’ve grown three or four inches since graduation day. And not only that…” “Excuse me,” interrupted the other man. “My name’s Mike Hudspeth.” “Well, how about that. You went and
changed your name too!”
For the week beginning June 1, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#189
Joke of the Week: One Saturday, a man was out in his front yard raking the leaves. At one point, his neighbor came up to him and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?” “Certainly,” said the man. The neighbor took the chain saw and returned it later in the day. The following Saturday, the man was out in his front yard mowing the lawn. His neighbor came up to him again and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?” “Sure,” said the man. The neighbor took the chain saw and returned it later in the day. This went on for the next ten Saturdays. The man began to wonder if his neighbor was taking advantage of him. It is one thing for a neighbor to borrow a tool two, three, or even four weekends in a row. But twelve weekends in a row is quite another. After all, wear and tear is put on a tool every time it is used, regardless of who is using it. If his neighbor had that much clear-cutting to do, then by rights he ought to buy his own chain saw. On the thirteenth Saturday, the man’s neighbor came up to him yet again and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?” The man decided that enough was enough. “Well, actually, no,” replied the man. “You see, I’m using my chain saw today. As a matter of fact, I’m going to be using my chain saw all weekend.” “Oh,” said the neighbor. “In that
case, may I borrow your golf clubs?”
For the younger set: A woman was out in her front yard watering her flowers when she saw one of the neighborhood children walking her bicycle down the sidewalk. “Debbie,” said the woman, “why are walking your bicycle instead of riding it? Is it broken?” “It sure is,” replied the girl. “Every
time I get on, it falls over.”
All-Time Classic: True story. Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were renowned English statesmen of the Victorian era. However, Disraeli was a Tory and Gladstone was a Liberal. The two men were the bitterest of rivals – personally as well as politically. Once asked to define the difference between
a misfortune and a calamity, Disraeli said, “If Gladstone fell into the
Thames (river), that would be a misfortune; and if anybody pulled him out,
that I suppose would be a calamity.”
For the week beginning May 25, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#188
Memorial Day 2003 will be observed on May
26. In recognition of those who lost their lives fighting for our
freedom (and of the fact that the war against terrorism will never end),
this Memorial Day edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist
humor.
Joke of the Week: First, some notes: Saddam Hussein constantly was in fear for his life (gee whiz, I wonder why). Therefore, any Iraqi man who bore a close physical resemblance to the Iraqi president would be conscripted to serve as a “body double”: A decoy to fool spies or assassins. On April 7, 2003, coalition forces dropped four 2,000-pound bombs onto a bunker where Saddam Hussein and his two sons were reported to be meeting. Although their bodies have yet to be found, none of the three have since been seen. With those notes, on with the joke: Saddam Hussein’s body doubles were rounded up by armed Iraqi soldiers and taken to a secret location. There, a high official from Saddam’s inner circle addressed them. “Body doubles of our great leader. I bear good news and bad news. First, Saddam Hussein was not – I repeat, not – killed in the coalition bombing attack. He is, in fact, alive. I have seen him with my own eyes. This means that your services as body doubles – to draw fire away from our exalted president and towards yourselves – still will be needed. In other words – you all still have your jobs.” If the body doubles were free to groan, they would have. “What’s the good news?” asked one of the body doubles. “Oh, that was the good news. Here is the bad news. Saddam Hussein survived the bombing as I said, but…” “But what?” “He lost both arms and both legs.
So…”
For the younger set: A Flash Kellam original! Muslim protest leader: Every time we have a protest rally, we burn an American flag! American: Yeah? Well, keep
practicing. You may yet figure out how to do it right.
All-Time Classic: A serious note before I relate the classic. In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, there were a number (a very small number, please note) of vigilante attacks on Muslims living in the United States. Vigilante action is to be discouraged, as it often results in harm being done to innocent parties. In several cases, people who were attacked for being Muslims turned out actually to be Sikhs (pronounced “Seeks”). Sikhism is a sect of Hinduism, and has no connection whatsoever with Islam. And far from being allies, Sikhs and Muslims have their own sets of disagreements - particularly on matters regarding proper food preparation. The vigilante attacks on Sikhs largely were cases of mistaken headgear. Let me give you a quick primer on the subject. The headgear traditionally worn by Arabs is called a keffiyeh. It consists of a white cloth held in place by elastic headbands called akals. The keffiyeh is a perfect example of form following function. The white cloth reflects sunlight; therefore, the keffiyeh does not absorb heat. The white cloth protects the wearer’s head from the direct rays of the Sun. The white cloth drapes down the back, shielding the nape of the wearer’s neck from the direct rays of the Sun. In the event of a sandstorm, the white cloth can be pulled around to front and secured in the akals, thereby protecting the wearer’s mouth and nose from blowing sand. In recent years, terrorists have found another use for the keffiyeh. The white cloth enables them to signal their surrender to approaching armed forces. But, I digress. The headgear traditionally worn by Sikhs is called a dastar (turban). Like many cultures in the region, Sikhs believe that males should keep their heads covered at all times. Therefore, the wearing of the dastar is required of male Sikhs, and is optional for females. The dastar has practical as well as religious functions. Sikhs do not cut their hair (scalp, facial, or body). Moreover, Sikhs regularly clean and comb their hair, lest it become dirty and matted. The dastar makes controlling that much hair that much easier. Since Sikhs do not cut their hair, over a lifetime their tresses can become quite voluminous. Consequently, the dastars worn by Sikh elders tend to be huge. With that primer, on with the classic: An American-born man noticed that a new family was moving into the neighborhood. The head of the household was a middle-aged, dark-skinned man wearing a large turban. Concerned that the new arrivals might have terrorist ties, the American decided to go and find out for himself. The American introduced himself to his new neighbor, and the two of them engaged in conversation. At one point, completely from out of the blue, the American asked, “By the way, are you Muslim?” “No,” said the new arrival. “I am Sikh.” “Oh, I see. Do you need a doctor?”
For the week beginning May 18, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#187
Joke of the Week: A blonde called an airline to book a flight to New York City. After her reservation was confirmed, she asked if her pet Chihuahua could ride in the passenger section instead of being stowed in the cargo hold. “Yes, ma’am," said the booking agent. "Your pet can ride in the passenger section; however, there are certain conditions.” “What conditions?” asked the blonde. “First, there is a $50.00 charge for the privilege.” “Okay.” “Second, you must provide your own pet carrier." “Okay.” “Third, the animal must remain in the pet carrier at all times.” “Okay.” “Finally, the pet carrier must be large enough for the animal to stand, sit, turn around, and roll over.” “Oh, no,” said the blonde. “I can’t
train him to do all of that by tomorrow night.”
For the younger set: A math teacher noticed that one of her students was staring into space. "Henry!” said the math teacher abruptly. “Were you paying attention?” “Uh, yes, ma’am,” replied Henry. “We shall see. If you were paying attention, then you should have no trouble answering the following question: What are 38, 42, and 53?” “Oh, heck, that’s easy,” said Henry.
“Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network.”
All-Time Classic: Almost everyone is familiar with “Murphy’s Law”, which states that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. There are many variations on “Murphy’s Law”. The following are applicable to the dangerous profession of law enforcement. Professional criminals are predictable. Unfortunately, the vast majority of criminals are amateurs. Domestic disputes almost always gravitate from areas with few weapons (the living room) to areas with many weapons (the kitchen), seldom the other way around. The likelihood that your flashlight batteries will fail is directly proportional to your need for light. Similarly, the likelihood that your radio batteries will fail is directly proportional to your need for backup. Flash suppressors don’t; bulletproof vests aren’t. If dispatch says that your backup is two minutes away, you’d better figure on ten minutes. The amount of time that you are allotted to make a life-and-death decision is inversely proportional to the amount of time that the civilian review board allots itself to critique it. The more proficiently that you do your job, the more likely that you will be sued. If you park your unit in the middle of
the Sahara Desert, not five minutes will pass before a civilian driver
pulls his vehicle alongside of yours to ask for directions.
For the week beginning May 11, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#186
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is insects.
Joke of the Week: A grasshopper hopped onto a bar stool, and from there to the top of the bar. “Excuse me,” said the grasshopper to the bartender. “I want to order something to drink, but I’m not exactly sure what I want. Have you any suggestions?” “Well,” said the bartender, “there is a drink named after you.” “No kidding? There’s a drink named
Irving?”
For the younger set: A classic. What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
All-Time Classic: From George Carlin. If a fly is born without wings, is it called
a walk?
For the week beginning May 4, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#185
Joke of the Week: Four men - a mathematician, a statistician, an engineer, and a lawyer - all were asked the following question: What is two plus two? The mathematician said, “Four”. The statistician said, “Four, plus or minus 1 percent.” The engineer said, “Four, with a tolerance of .001.” The lawyer said, “What do you want it to
be?”
For the younger set: Adapted from “Peanuts” by Charles Schulz. Why does a vacuum cleaner make a lot of noise? Well, if someone were pushing you across
a carpet on your face, wouldn’t you make a lot of noise?
All-Time Classic: An urban police chief is working at his desk when he receives a telephone call. “Chief? This is Harrison, Detective Division," says the man on the other end of the line. "I, uh, have a problem here.” “What is it?” “Two of our patrol officers found a dead body at the intersection of Monongahela Boulevard and Allegheny Avenue.” “And…?” “And I can’t fill out the report because I don’t know how to spell either Monongahela or Allegheny. What should I do?” The Chief takes a moment to let out a snort of disgust. “For crying out loud, Harrison. Do
I have to do all of the thinking around here? Have the officers drag
the body to First and Main – and then call you back.”
For the week beginning April 27, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#184
With the war in Iraq now beginning to wind
down, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features some more terrorist
humor.
Joke of the Week: Iraqi military jokes.
Why does it cost half as much money to train an Iraqi fighter pilot as it does to train an American fighter pilot? An Iraqi fighter pilot has to be taught
only how to take off.
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass-bottom boats? So that their sailors can see the Iraqi
air force.
How do Iraqi soldiers perform calisthenics? Step one: They raise their arms above their heads. Step two: They keep them there.
For the younger set: Saddam Hussein beget two sons, whom he named Uday and Qusay. Now, they have new names. Dead-ay and Gone-ay.
Why did the terrorist cross the road? To be with the chickens on the other side.
How does one play Taliban bingo? B-52… F-16… B-2…
All-Time Classic: Here are some more jokes intended to ridicule
the French (who deserve to be ridiculed for their refusal to support us
in our efforts to defeat Saddam Hussein).
How can one tell which of several soldiers is the Frenchman? Look for the guy with sunburns on his armpits.
How many gears does a French tank have? Five. Four reverse gears, plus one
forward gear in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
What does one call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air? The Army.
For the week beginning April 20, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#183
Joke of the Week: Two American female track teams - one consisting entirely of brunettes, the other consisting entirely of blondes - had won their respective regional tournaments and now were in London, England for the international finals. The two teams wanted to see the sights, so they chartered a double-decker bus. The team of brunettes sat on the lower level, while the team of blondes sat on the upper level. The members of the brunette team were enjoying themselves immensely. They were laughing and singing and otherwise having a lot of fun. In due course, one of the brunettes became aware that no such similar sounds of revelry were coming from the upper level. Curious as to the silence, the brunette climbed the stairs to the upper level. When she got there, she saw that every member of the blonde team was sitting rigidly in her seat, her hands gripping tightly the chair arms. Each blonde's face was ashen, like that of a white-knuckle airplane passenger. “C’mon, girls,” said the brunette. “Let's try to lighten up a little, shall we? Those of us on the lower level are having a great old time.” “Easy for you to say,” said one of the
blondes. “Your level has a driver.”
For the younger set: There is an obscure form of humor known as the “Tom Swifty”. Tom Swifties were created by Edward Stratemeyer and are named for the cartoon strip character Tom Swift. And just what is a Tom Swifty? This is one of those things that is best explained by example. Here are some classic Tom Swifties: “I didn’t know that alligators had such sharp teeth,” said Tom, offhandedly. “The surgeons removed my right auricle and my left ventricle,” said Tom, half-heartedly. “I think I got a pretty good deal on those mirrors,” said Tom, on reflection. “I am not a crook,” said Nixon, resignedly.
All-Time Classic: True story. Wishing to let motorists know that it had both food and fuel for sale, a roadside restaurant and filling station erected a billboard bearing the following ill-considered words: EAT HERE
For the week beginning April 13, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#182
With April 15 coming up this week, this
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features tax humor.
Joke of the Week: The Internal Revenue Service mailed to a tax protester a letter demanding that he pay immediately $4,000.00 in back taxes. The tax protester mailed to the IRS the following reply: “Dear IRS, In response to your letter demanding payment of $4,000.00 in back taxes, I have sent to the military five hammers and a toilet seat. Sincerely yours,
Joe Protester P.S. Keep the change.”
For the younger set: Why is the basic tax document called a Form 1040? Because for every 50 dollars that you earn, you keep 10 and they take 40. Remember that, kiddies.
All-Time Classic: U.S. Simplified Income Tax Form (IRS proposal). Line 1: How much money did you make last year? … _______ Line 2: Send it. ………….……………………………….
_______
For the week beginning April 6, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#181
With the war in Iraq still ongoing, this
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features more terrorist humor.
Joke of the Week: This joke takes place in the city of Baghdad at the conclusion of Operation Iraqi Freedom. To make a long story short, a group of Iraqi citizens had Saddam Hussein cornered in a blind alley. The leader of the group, a well-respected imam (Holy man), demanded that Hussein surrender immediately, to be turned over to the coalition forces and prosecuted for war crimes. “This is it,” muttered Hussein. “I’m finished.” “You are not finished yet,” said Allah. “Pick up the brick at your feet.” Hussein did so. “Throw the brick at the imam,” said Allah. Hussein did so. The brick struck the imam in the forehead, knocking him unconscious. He fell backwards and into the arms of his followers. “Okay,” said Allah. “Now you’re
finished.”
For the younger set: Terrorist leader: For what nation will you fight? Terrorist follower: Iran. Terrorist leader: For what nation will you kill? Terrorist follower: Iran. Terrorist leader: So what did you do when you were ordered to attack an American military base? Terrorist follower: Iran.
All-Time Classic: When the nation of Iraq fell, Saddam Hussein’s two sons - Uday and Qusay - fled to the United States. One night, while walking along a dark country road, they were struck by a Cadillac that was being driven in a reckless manner and in excess of the speed limit. Uday came through the vehicle’s windshield, and ended up in the back seat. Qusay was knocked two hundred yards down the road. The following week, the grand jury heard the evidence and handed down indictments. Uday was charged with breaking and entering. Qusay was charged with leaving the scene
of an accident.
For the week beginning March 30, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#180
Grand Master's
note: When push came to shove, the nation of France (which the United
States rescued from tyranny in two World Wars, please note) chose to put
its monetary interests above America's security needs. Therefore,
in this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week, the nation of France will
receive double doses of the ridicule it so richly deserves.
Joke of the Week: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.
Classified ad: “French rifles for sale. Mint condition.
Never been used. Dropped only once.”
For the younger set: Did you hear about the design for the new French flag? It consists of a white dove and a white
peace symbol on a white background.
Why did the Frenchman cross the road? To appease the other side.
All-Time Classic: Why doesn’t President Bush just tell the French to go to Hell? Because the United States would just have
to rescue them from there, too.
“Those of you Frenchmen who will volunteer
to defend France, raise one arm. Those of you who will not, raise
both
arms.”
For the week beginning March 23, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#179
With the war in Iraq now underway, this
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist humor.
Joke of the Week: First, a cultural note: A Kukri sword is a heavy, forward-angled, single-edged combat sword. It is used throughout the Middle East and the surrounding regions. In an effort to obtain food, a PLO terrorist named Ahkmed stuck his finger into the nose of a fellow PLO terrorist named Ali, and started picking away. Enraged, Ali pulled out a Kukri sword. “You infidel!” roared Ali. “If you stick your finger into my nose one more time, I am going to cut it off!” “But Ali, “said Ahkmed. “If you cut
off your nose, what am I going to pick?”
For the younger set: A Flash Kellam original! Question: What do terrorists call used Q-tips? Answer: Cotton candy.
All-Time Classic: What happened when a number of Americans went to Iraq to serve as “human shields”? Well, among other things, it raised the
I.Q. level of both nations.
For the week beginning March 16, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#178
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day (March 17),
this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features Irish humor.
Joke of the Week: First, some notes: What is called “gasoline” in the United States is called “petrol” in the United Kingdom. A “front” is a phony business set up for illicit or clandestine purposes. "IRA” refers to the Irish Republican Army. An Irish motorist pulled into a petrol station on the outskirts of Londonderry, Northern Ireland. “Laddie,” said the motorist to the attendant, “I need forty litres of petrol.” “I’m sorry, sir,” said the attendant. “We don’t have any petrol for sale.” “Aye? Well, check me oil, anyway.” “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any motor oil for sale, either.” “Well then, check me power steering fluid.” “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any power steering fluid for sale, either.” “Give me some wiper fluid, then.” “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any wiper fluid for sale, either.” “Can ye at least clean me windshield?” asked the motorist half-sarcastically. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any glass cleaner.” “Well, use some plain water, then,” said the frustrated motorist, irritation now becoming evident in his voice. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have a sponge. We don’t have any paper towels. We don’t even have any water.” “For cryin’ out loud, mon! What in the name of creation kind of a petrol station is this, anyway?!” The attendant looked around carefully, and then whispered to the motorist. “Well, sir, the truth of the matter is, this petrol station is a front for the IRA.” “Aye? Well, praise be the devil for
that. If nothing else, you’ll be able to blow up me tires.”
For the younger set: A drunken Irishman boarded a commuter train. “Excuse me,” asked the inebriated man of
the conductor.
“Oh, about an hour and fifteen minutes,” replied the conductor. "And how long does it take for the commuter train to run from Limerick to Cork?” “An hour and fifteen minutes,” said the irritated conductor. “Why on Earth would ye suppose that the runnin' times would be different?” “Well,” said the drunk, “there are only
seven days between Christmas and New Year’s. But… how many days are
there between New Year’s and Christmas?”
All-Time Classic: Inside an Irish pub, the mother of all donnybrooks was in full swing. Forty men were throwing fists, bottles, and chairs with reckless abandon. At the height of the commotion, Hannigan entered the pub. He walked calmly past the battling rowdies and took a seat at the bar. “Excuse me," said Hannigan to the bartender.
"Is this a private brawl – or can anybody participate?”
For the week beginning March 9, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#177
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is jumping-off-of-a-building classics.
Joke of the Week: Question: What do you call 500 lawyers jumping off of a building? Answer: A good start.
For the younger set: Marty: I heard that a guy jumped off of a 25-story building – and survived without a scratch! Sean: That's impossible. Marty: No, it wasn't. The fire
escape was directly beneath him. Yuk, yuk, yuk.
All-Time Classic: Question: If Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Kim Jung Il jumped off of a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first? Answer: Who cares?
For the week beginning March 2, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#176
As today is the 167th year of Texas Independence,
the theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is Texas humor.
Joke of the Week: Grand Master's note: A “dude ranch” is a working cattle ranch that is operated in whole or in part as a vacation resort. At a dude ranch, city folks can don their Stetsons, ride the range, and get a taste of cowboy life. Interesting things happen when Texas-based dude ranches are visited by urbanites who live outside of the Lone Star State. Case in point: A Texas dude ranch operator went up to one of his ranch hands. “Clem,” said the operator, “I think you'd better ride over to the south forty and check on the mules.” “What's wrong, sir?” asked Clem. “Not sure, really. But that dude
over there is tellin' everybody that he just shot a Texas-sized jackrabbit.”
Here is another dude ranch classic. Question: Why did the dude put a saddle on the stove? Answer: The dude ranch operator said
that they would be riding the range today.
Finally, here is the ultimate dude ranch classic. Dude (to dude ranch operator): Well…
to tell you the truth, I’ve never ridden a horse in my life. So,
I… uh… guess you’d better give me a horse that’s never been ridden.
That way, we can start even.
For the younger set: A Texas classic. They grow two varieties of peanuts in Texas. They grow peanuts the size of pickup trucks. They grow also the large kind.
All-Time Classic: The following is a combination Texas/terrorist joke. First, an academic note: In his classic treatise The Art of War, the philosopher Sun Tzu noted that there are five ways that a general can lead his men to ruin. One of these is a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults. Case in point: A battalion of the Taliban army was camped in the high mountains of Afghanistan in the days following September 11, 2001. All at once, from beyond a nearby ridge, a challenge was issued. “Hey there, Mr. Taliban. Want to come over here and play? I’m just one Texan, but from what I’ve seen of your army, I’ll bet I can take on a hundred of you.” Enraged, the Taliban commander ordered a hundred of his men to charge over the ridge. Subsequently, the sounds of a huge gun battle were heard. Then, after only a few minutes, all was silent. “There,” said the Taliban commander. “That takes care of that filthy dog of an American.” Not quite. From beyond the ridge, a new challenge was issued. “Hey there, Mr. Taliban. Want to come over here and try again? I’m just one Texan, but after seeing your army in action, I’ll bet I can take on two hundred of you.” Further enraged, the Taliban commander ordered two hundred of his men to charge over the ridge. As before, the sounds of a huge gun battle
were heard.
“There,” said the Taliban commander. “That is the end of that dirty swine of an American.” Not quite. From beyond the ridge, yet another challenge was issued. “Hey there, Mr. Taliban. Want to come over here and try again? I’m just one Texan, but if that last wave is any indication, I’ll bet I can take on three hundred of you.” Enraged further still, the Taliban commander ordered three hundred of his men to charge over the ridge. Again, the sounds of a huge gun battle were heard. At the height of the skirmish, a wounded Taliban soldier from the third wave limped back to his own lines. “Commander, wait,” shouted the wounded soldier. “Do not send any more men over the ridge. It is a trap!” “A trap? What do you mean?” asked the Taliban commander. “Commander, you have been lied to from
the very beginning. Over that ridge, there actually are two
Texans!”
For the week beginning February 23, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#175
Joke of the Week: Adapted from a “Grin and Bear It” comic strip. Mondo absurdo. A man went to an auto dealership to look over the new models for 2004. At one point, he got behind the wheel of a sedan to take a test drive. Beside him, in the front passenger seat, sat the salesman. The man turned the key in the ignition. Suddenly… … a boxing glove on a steel spring leapt out of the steering column and punched the man squarely in his face. Three minutes later - after the man had
recovered from the shock - the apologetic salesman said, “I’m terribly
sorry, sir. I forgot to tell you about that. It’s a new device
that the government requires the manufacturer to install. It’s purpose
is to encourage you to fasten your seat belt.”
For the younger set: A classic. “What’s your cat’s name?” asked Bart. “Ben-Hur,” replied Jerry. “How did it get a name like that?” “We called it Ben – then it had kittens.”
All-Time Classic: A man was eating his breakfast while reading the morning newspaper. Suddenly, something that he read caused his eyes to bulge out like teacups. His astonishment then turned quickly to anger. The man ran to his telephone and put in a call to the newspaper. “Daily Bugle,” answered the switchboard operator. “How may I direct your call?” “Give me obituaries,” said the man curtly. A few seconds later, the connection was made. “Obituaries. Jones speaking,” replied the man in charge of death notices. “Yeah, listen. My name is Throckmorton P. Entwhistle. Your obituaries column has my name listed in today’s edition!” “May I ask you a question, Mr. Entwhistle?” “Yeah. What?” “From where are you calling?”
For the week beginning February 16, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#174
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is money. All three jokes are classics.
Joke of the Week: A blonde was asked the following ethical question: “If you found a wallet with a million dollars in it, would you turn it in?” “Well," pondered the blonde, "if they were
poor people and needed the money, yes."
For the younger set: Grandmother: Now, Benny, if you behave yourself today, Granny will give you a shiny new nickel. Benny: You wouldn’t happen to have
a dirty old dollar, would you?
All-Time Classic: First, some cultural notes: A “pub” (short for “public house”) is an English bar or tavern. A “pound” (in full, “pound sterling”) is the basic monetary unit of Great Britain. A "quid" is British slang for one pound sterling. A London bank messenger was in big trouble. He had lost a satchel full of the bank’s money. If he did not find it – and fast – he would have to replace the money out of his own pocket. The bank messenger stood in the doorway of a local pub. “Lads, listen up,” said the messenger. “I’ve lost a bank satchel with a hundred pounds in it. I’ll give ten quid to the man that finds and returns it.” The bank messenger then went on his way. A few seconds later, one of the pub patrons
said, “I’ll give twenty quid.”
For the week beginning February 9, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#173
Joke of the Week: A man burst into a local tavern and shouted, “Quick! Pour out five shots of your best whiskey!” In response to the man’s urgent request, the bartender set five shot glasses on the bar and filled them with the finest - and most expensive - Scotch in the tavern. The man downed the shots quickly, one after the other. When the man was through, the bartender commented, “Holy mackerel! I have never seen anyone down shots of whiskey so fast.” “Well,” said the man, “you’d down them fast too, if you had what I have.” “What’s that?” “Fifteen cents.”
For the younger set: First, some notes: “Air Jordans” are a popular brand of basketball shoes. “The Man” is slang for the police. To “put the arm on someone” means to arrest him. “B-ball” is slang for basketball. “Shuck and jive” is slang for nonsense. “Midnight basketball” is a youth program that allows teens to play organized basketball during the late evening hours. A man in his early thirties was sitting in a holding cell in an urban police station. In due course, another arrestee was placed in the adjacent holding cell. The new arrival was a boy of sixteen, dressed in a Chicago Bulls number 23 jersey, baggy shorts, and Air Jordans. The older man started the conversation with the standard line. “What are you in for, kid?” “Playing basketball.” “Say what?” “I was arrested because I was playing basketball.” “You tellin’ me that the Man put the arm on you just for playin’ a little B-ball? What kind of shuck and jive is that?” “Well, it’s like this. I signed up to play in a midnight basketball league.” “And?” “I was arrested for breaking curfew.”
All-Time Classic: A classic from the television series “Mork and Mindy”. A man went up to Mork and asked, “Excuse me. Do you have the time?” In response, Mork rolled up his left pants leg in order to look at his timepiece. “You’re wearing a wristwatch on your ankle?” asked the man. “You’re crazy.” “No,” said Mork. “I’m wearing an
anklewatch on my ankle. If I wore an anklewatch on my wrist, then
I’d be crazy.”
For the week beginning February 2, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#172
Joke of the Week: A blonde went into an auto parts store. “Can I help you, ma’am?” asked a clerk. “Yes,” said the blonde. “I need a longer dipstick.” “Excuse me? A longer dipstick?” “Yes. The one I have won’t reach
the oil anymore.”
For the younger set: The vast majority of “Knock, knock” jokes end in terrible puns. The following “Knock, knock” jokes, however, are a little more clever than most. Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
All-Time Classic: Just an observation: How come… Hot dogs are sold in packages of ten… But… Hot dog buns are sold in packages of eight?
For the week beginning January 26, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#171
Joke of the Week: Grand Master's note: World War II Gen. George S. Patton always insisted on wearing clean, neat, and properly decorated uniforms at all times - even when heading into combat. Moreover, he demanded the same of the men under his command. In their satire of the motion picture Patton (1970), the writers of MAD magazine found a wickedly humorous way of examining this aspect of the general’s personality. Scene: Patton’s orderly is about to assist the general in getting dressed. Patton: All right, corporal. Let’s go through it point by point. Corporal: Yes, sir. First, your gold lamé battle shirt. Patton: Check. Corporal: Next, your matching gold lamé battle pants. Patton: Check. Corporal: Your ermine-collared field jacket with the 73 full combat decorations. Patton: Check. Corporal: Your leather riding boots with the silver spurs. Patton: Check. Corporal: Your twin ivory-handled pistols. Patton: Check. Corporal: Your ceremonial saber. Patton: Check. Corporal: Your stainless steel helmet with the uranium lining. Patton: Check. Corporal: And finally, your solid silver carbine – custom made to conform to the curvature of your spine. Patton: Check. Corporal: Well, sir? Patton: My compliments to you, corporal.
You did a real good job assembling these pajamas. By the way… be
sure to lay out my full dress uniform for tomorrow's invasion of Sicily.
For the younger set: “Who was that on the phone?” asked a man of his wife. “That was Sonny calling from college. He asked me to mail to him a textbook that he left behind. He asked also for some money.” “Are you going to send him any?” “Yes. I think I’ll send him… $1,020.00.” “What?!” “Honey, relax. I’m going to put a
twenty-dollar bill in the book jacket - and a check for $1,000.00 between
two pages in the last chapter.”
All-Time Classic: A cannibal classic. “I am very sorry that I had to break our
date for lunch today,” said the cannibal. “How about I have you for
dinner tomorrow?”
For the week beginning January 19, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#170
Joke of the Week: Whether the following is the worst golf joke ever told is largely a matter of opinion; but it is unquestionably a top-ten groaner. The kitchen at the clubhouse of a local country club had to be shut down for repairs. A notice was placed outside of the clubhouse. It read “KITCHEN CLOSED”. After the repairs were completed, a new notice was placed outside of the clubhouse. It read “KITCHEN OPEN”. The next morning, the head chef saw some writing on the notice. It seemed that five of the club’s members
had signed up for the tournament.
For the younger set: Some body part classics.
What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot? A carpet.
What disappears every time you stand up? Your lap.
What can you put into your right hand that you cannot put into your left hand? Your left elbow.
All-Time Classic: There is an old saying in the security business: Regularity will get you killed. Case in point: A well-respected and high-ranking imam (Islamic Holy man) was an outspoken critic of Islamic terrorism. Since the Koran forbids both murder and suicide, the imam (pronounced “im-ahm”, by the way) considered terrorist acts against civilian populations to be blasphemies (which they are). Needless to say, he was a constant irritant to the Islamic radicals of the world. So it should come as no surprise that the terrorists marked the imam for death. A scouting party tracked the imam’s activities for more than a week in order to determine the best way to kill the Holy man. The scouts discovered something potentially useful. Every day, like clockwork, the imam took a late morning constitutional. He always walked the same route; a route that took him past a certain corner of a certain building at exactly 11:05 in the morning, every morning. It was decided that the imam would be attacked at that corner at that time. But a direct assault was out of the question (the imam was surrounded by armed bodyguards wherever he went). So instead, a sniper - perched on the roof of one of the surrounding buildings - would carry out the assassination. At 10:55 the next morning, a team of two - sniper and spotter - positioned themselves on a rooftop that would afford them a clear shot at their target. The sniper assembled quickly his scoped rifle while the spotter kept watch. By 11:00, the sniper was ready to perpetrate his foul deed. Five minutes later, at 11:05, the sniper brought forth his rifle, took aim at the designated corner… but the imam did not make an appearance. Ten more minutes went by… but no imam. Another ten minutes passed… but still no imam. The sniper was dumbfounded. “I do not understand this,” said the sniper. “Every morning, the imam walks by that corner at exactly 11:05. But here it is, twenty minutes later… but no imam.” “Well, gee whiz,” said the spotter.
“I certainly hope nothing’s happened to him.”
For the week beginning January 12, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#169
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is brides-to-be.
Joke of the Week: A bride-to-be phoned her bridal registry in order to make a change. The woman in charge of the registry found nothing unusual in that. Every bride invariably wants to change something as her big day approaches. “All right, ma’am,” said the woman in charge of the registry. “What would you like to change? The style of the silverware, the pattern of the wedding china, or the color of the towels?” “The name of the groom.”
For the younger set: A classic. A clerk at the county courthouse was helping a blonde fill out the application for her marriage license. “Name, please,” said the clerk. “Jennifer Lynn Smith,” replied the blonde. “Birthday?” “June 17.” “What year?” “Every year.”
All-Time Classic: Destined to be a classic. A woman (who happened to be a blonde) wanted to lose twenty pounds before her wedding day. Her doctor suggested that the best way for her to achieve her goal would be to run ten miles every day for a month. Thirty days later, the doctor received a phone call from the blonde. “Doctor, I wanted to let you know," said the blonde. "I ran ten miles every day for a month like you said I should. And I've lost twenty pounds.” “Well, that’s excellent,” said her doctor. “Just one thing.” “Yes?” “I’m now three hundred miles away.
How do I get back home?”
For the week beginning January 5, 2003 Flash's Joke Set
#168
Joke of the Week: Let us start off the New Year with another edition of one of my favorite occasional series. How dumb are criminals? Read these true accounts, and then you tell me. When a man walked through the detector at the courthouse entrance, the machine began to beep. Believing that the jig was up, the man promptly surrendered the drugs on his person, hoping that this action would afford him leniency at sentencing. What he did not know is that the detector could detect only metal objects (such as his belt buckle), not illegal narcotics. He knows it now. A robber tried to hold up a gun store… at knifepoint. ‘Nuff said. An accused vending machine thief paid his $400.00 bail - entirely in quarters. Finding incarceration not to his liking,
a Rhode Island prisoner spent the first eighty-eight days of his sentence
planning his escape. He accomplished his goal on the eighty-ninth
day of his sentence. But he was re-captured almost immediately, his
freedom lasting all of five minutes. All that he got for his efforts
was an additional eighteen months of jail time. His original crime:
Disorderly conduct. His original sentence: Ninety days.
For the younger set: Question: What do you call Batman and Robin after they have been run over by a steamroller? Answer: Flatman and Ribbon.
All-Time Classic: Let us continue our New Year’s celebration with another edition of another of my favorite occasional series. A Cold War Classic! Note: This Cold War Classic demonstrates once again how wide can be the gap between the theoretical and the practical. A Soviet military scientist invented a device that he guaranteed would make the Russian line soldier invincible: The atomic hand grenade. The scientist claimed that the atomic hand grenade had the power to blast a crater two hundred feet deep and four hundred feet in diameter; and his mathematical calculations supported strongly his assertion. But ultimately, they had to cease production. During field tests, it was discovered that the average Russian soldier could throw the atomic hand grenade no more than fifty feet. (Adapted from Burns and Schreiber)
For the week beginning December 29, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#167
Joke of the Week: Two physicists were engaged in conversation. "Last night, I read a fascinating book on the theoretical possibilities of the existence of anti-gravity," said one physicist. “Was it a good read?” asked the other. “I couldn’t put it down.”
For the younger set: Adapted from a “Flintstones” comic strip. Fred and Wilma Flintstone were playing bridge at the home of Barney and Betty Rubble. At one point, the telephone rang. Barney went to answer it – and came back just a few seconds later. "Hey, Fred! That was your babysitter on the phone. She wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher!" Instantly, Fred and Wilma jumped out of their chairs. While the Rubbles called 911, the Flintstones ran home as fast as they could. Upon arriving back at their house, the Flintstones found no fire in progress. In fact, they found no disorder of any kind. As for the babysitter, she was lying on the couch, apparently without a care in the world. "Oh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone," said
the babysitter. "Say, I just got through reading this pamphlet on
things that every babysitter should know..."
All-Time Classic: The stranger was confused. Five times
over the course of the day, he had asked someone what time it was - and
each person had given him a different answer!
For the week beginning December 22, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#166
With Christmas coming up this week, the
theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is “Jesus”.
Joke of the Week: First, a cultural note: Baptismis the sacrament by which a Christian babe officially joins the flock. Part of the ceremony calls for the minister to pour water onto the infant’s head. This act is called baptism by sprinkling. Entire tomes have been written on the subject of whether or not sprinkling is the correct way to baptize someone. But, whatever a baptism by sprinkling does or does not accomplish, it does it with the minimum of discomfort to the child. Things are different when an adult is baptized, particularly an adult who is about to convert from another religion. Then, it is proper - and expected - that the adult demonstrate his commitment to Christ by submitting to having his entire body submerged in water. This act is called baptism by immersion. With that primer, on with the joke:
A man - who had been partaking in little too much of the demon rum - was staggering along the riverbank when he came upon a group of evangelicals re-affirming their commitment to Christ through immersion baptism. The minister was standing waist-deep in the river to receive the faithful for the ceremony. One by one, each member of the flock was dunked fully into the water and then quickly brought back up again. The minister saw the inebriated man and called out to him, “Say there, brother. Would you like to find Jesus?” “Uh… sure,” said the man, who then - at the minister’s beckoning - stepped into the river. The minister dunked the man into the river and brought him back up again. “So tell me, brother. Have you found Jesus?” “Uh… no,” said the drunken man. The minister dunked the man into the river for a second immersion baptism. “How about now, brother? Have you found Jesus?” “Uh… no,” said the drunken man. The minister dunked the man into the river for a third immersion baptism. “What do you say now, brother? Have you found Jesus?” “Uh… no,” said the drunken man. The minister made ready to dunk the man
into the river for a fourth immersion baptism. But the drunken man
interceded, saying, “Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure that this is
the spot where He fell in?”
For the younger set: Ten year-old Billy was next in rotation to lead the family dinner prayer. “Jesus, we thank you for the food that we are about to receive, and the blessings of life and family. Oh, and if you would, please - make Youngstown the capital of Ohio.” As you might imagine, Billy’s parents were a bit dumbfounded by their son’s unusual request. “Billy,” said the father of the family, “why would you ask such a thing of Jesus?” “Because that’s what I put down on my geography
test.”
All-Time Classic: A personnel manager was interviewing candidates for the position of assistant director of advertising. The first candidate was a brunette. “As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture. For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?” “Easter is a holiday,” began the brunette, “where you gather the family, you cook a turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce, and you give thanks…” “Next!” Things were going from bad to worse. The next candidate was a redhead. “As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture. For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?” “Easter is a holiday,” began the redhead, “where you put up a tree, you cover it with decorations, and then Santa Claus comes down the chimney…” “Next!” Things were going from worse to worse still. The next candidate was a blonde. “As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture. For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?” “Easter is a holiday,” began the blonde,
“that Christians deem to be one of their holiest days. It tells the
story of how Jesus was betrayed by Judas for thirty pieces of silver.
The Roman soldiers arrested Jesus and turned Him over to the Jewish priests.
They, in turn, sent Him before the governor, Pontius Pilate. Intimidated
by the mob, Pilate pardoned the murderer Barabbas, but found Jesus guilty.
Condemned to death, Jesus had a crown of thorns placed upon His head.
He then was compelled - under the sting of the lash - to walk through the
streets of Jerusalem while bearing a heavy cross upon His shoulders.
The cross was set on a hill, and Jesus was nailed to that cross so as to
execute Him by crucifixcion. After He died, He was laid to rest in
a cave, and a great boulder was rolled across the entrance. But when
Mary Magdalene returned to the cave two days later, she found that the
boulder had been moved aside. For Jesus had been resurrected.
He emerged from the cave, saw His shadow, so they had six more weeks of
winter.”
For the week beginning December 15, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#165
Joke of the Week: Two men were in competition to see which of them would be put in charge of an industrial plant. On the written portion of the test, each man was asked to write down the fourteen-letter word that describes someone who is in charge of a plant. The first man wrote down “superintendent”. The second man wrote down “horticulturist”. Care to guess which one got the job?
For the younger set: Question: Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the famous Round Table? Answer: Sir Cumference.
All-Time Classic: A man went up to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I need something to get rid of the hiccups." With that, and without warning, the doctor slapped the man hard in the face. "Why did you do that?" asked the man. "To cure you,” said his doctor. “The shock jolted your system. You don't have the hiccups now, do you?" "No. But my wife out in the car still
does."
For the week beginning December 8, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#164
Joke of the Week: Mondo absurdo. Several dozen people were eating supper at an exclusive restaurant when a police officer entered the dining salon. The officer stood in the middle of the room to address the diners. “Excuse me, folks. May I have your attention, please?” said the officer. “Does anyone in here own a 2002 Cadillac Eldorado with Texas license plates KFT 867 AXN 793 NCG 798 WHN 236 DLT 346 IDG 574 RTF 788 FGH 045 YBK 538 PWK 774 QKC 133 PBG 946?” One diner stood up. “That’s my car, officer. What’s seems to be the problem?” “You’re going to have to park your vehicle
somewhere else, sir. You’re blocking the driveway.”
For the younger set: A classic. A mother was admonishing her young son for pulling a mean trick on his sister. "Jimmy, why did you put a frog in your sister's bed?" "Because I couldn't find a snake."
All-Time Classic: An accountant was talking to a prospective client. "Now, then,” said the accountant. "As I understand it, your occupation is circus aerialist. Is that correct?" "Yes." "All right. What is your net worth?" "Every penny I paid for it."
For the week beginning December 1, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#163
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is "hunting". .
A game warden stopped a hunter and asked to see his hunting license - which had long since expired. “Sir,” said the game warden. “You’re going to have to get a new hunting license. This is last year’s hunting license.” “So? The only deer I’m going to shoot
are the ones that I missed last year.”
For the younger set: Adapted from Dan O’Neill’s “Short Ribs”. A Great White Hunter, armed with a high-powered rifle, was traversing the African plains in search of an elephant to bag. Just as he spotted his prey, the hunter noticed that he had an audience. An African native, blowpipe in hand, was observing the goings-on with interest. "You poor native," said the big game hunter with genuine sympathy, "I'll wager you've never seen one of these high-powered hunting rifles in action. Now, you watch-em closely. Me going to bring down mighty elephant. Savvy?" Not waiting for a reply, the hunter squeezed off a shot. The bullet made contact, but it did not pierce the pachyderm's thick flesh. Enraged, the elephant charged towards the big game hunter and his audience of one. The hunter fired off two more rounds; but these rounds, also on target, also failed to penetrate. They accomplished nothing save to make the elephant angrier, causing him to charge faster. The hunter got off three more shots as the elephant came to within point blank range. But though all of the bullets were on target, all of them failed to bring down the thundering beast. At this point, the native calmly loaded a poison dart into his blowpipe. Raising the blowpipe to his lips, he took careful aim at a particular spot, and with a single PHFFFT - the rampaging animal fell dead. "Well," said the Great White Hunter to the native, "that certainly was a close one, eh? You savvy? Close one?" "I comprehend your meaning perfectly, sir,"
said the native. "By the way, you may keep the elephant. I
bagged my limit for the day shortly before lunch."
All-Time Classic: "Inflation is terrible," lamented one hunter
to another. "The cow we accidentally shot last year didn't cost nearly
as much as the cow we accidentally shot this year."
For the week beginning November 24, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#162
Joke of the Week: The police received a telephone call from a man (whose slurred speech indicated that he was somewhat intoxicated). “I went out to the parking lot and found that my car had been vandalized,” said the man. “In what way was it vandalized?” asked the desk sergeant. “They ripped out the dashboard, took out the steering wheel, and yanked out the stick shift.” A few minutes later, the police received a follow-up call from the same man. “The vandalism is worse than I thought. I went back for another look, and it seems that they tore out also the clutch pedal, the brake pedal, and the gas pedal.” A few minutes later, the police received yet another call from the same man. “Police? Forget the whole thing.
I just realized that I was looking in the back seat.”
For the younger set: Question: If you see two snails fighting, what should you do about it? Answer: Nothing. It’s their
dispute; let them slug it out.
All-Time Classic: Gary: Did you hear the one about the optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine? Herb: No. What happened? Gary: He made a complete spectacle
of himself.
For the week beginning November 17, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#161
Joke of the Week: A Flash Kellam original! “So. Fell down the stairs and fractured
your leg, did you? Well, it serves you right for calling me insensitive!”
For the younger set: A man was driving his eight-year-old son to school along an unfamiliar road. At one point, he made a right turn on red. Only after he had completed the turn did he notice the sign that prohibited right turns on red. “Oh, oh,” said the father. “I think that turn I just made was illegal.” “No, it wasn’t, Dad," said his son. "How do you know?" "Because that police car behind us with
its lights flashing just did the same thing.”
All-Time Classic: During the early days of space flight, it was discovered that ordinary ballpoint pens would not write in space because the ink would not flow under conditions of weightlessness. NASA engineers put their heads to the problem. After an expenditure of twelve million dollars, they developed a pen that could write in zero-g, upside-down, underwater, and in temperatures ranging from thirty degrees below zero Celsius to forty above. Faced with the same problem, the Russians
used a pencil.
For the week beginning November 10, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#160
Joke of the Week: A man walked into a nursery and said, “I need some geraniums.” “Hmm. We’re not very well stocked on geraniums, I’m afraid,” said the lady in charge of indoor plants. “How about some African violets? They’re one of the most popular of all indoor plants.” “No, it has to be geraniums.” “Or, would you consider some white orchids? They also are popular.” “No, no, no. It’s geraniums or nothing.” “My goodness, you certainly are fond of geraniums.” “Not really. But geraniums are what
I promised my girl friend that I would water while she was out of town.”
For the younger set: A classic. A woman took her grandson to the zoo. At one point, they stopped at the monkey cage. “What are you doing?” asked the grandmother of her grandson. “I’m giving the monkeys half my peanuts,” said the boy. “Well, that’s nice.” “Yes, I’m giving them the shells.”
All-Time Classic: Several middle-aged women, who lived in the same apartment house, all had filed civil lawsuits against the others for all manner of ridiculously petty grievances. The women filed into the courtroom, still squabbling away like a flock of clucking hens. The judge had to use his gavel to get their attention. “Ladies, ladies, please,” said the judge. “We must have order if we are to proceed. Thank you. I will now hear testimony from you one at a time, beginning with the oldest.” All of the lawsuits were thrown out of
court for lack of testimony.
For the week beginning November 3, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#159
With Election Day coming up on November
5, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features political humor.
Joke of the Week: A soon-to-be classic: In February of 2001, a man went up to the gates of the White House and asked of the guard, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton. How do I go about doing that?” “Sir, Bill Clinton no longer is President,” said the guard. Without a word, the man walked away. The man returned the next day and asked again of the guard, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton. How do I go about doing that?” “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Bill Clinton no longer is President,” said the guard. Again, without a word, the man walked away. The man returned the day following and asked of the guard for the third time, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton. How do I go about doing that?” “Sir, I keep telling you, Bill Clinton no longer is President," said the guard. "Why can’t you understand that?” “Oh, I understand it," said the man.
"But the thing is, I just love hearing people say it.”
For the younger set: A group of school children went on a field trip to the state capitol. The man who represented their district in the state senate met them outside of his office. “I’m delighted to see all of you young people here today,” said the senator. “As you are only a few years away from becoming voting-age citizens, it is important for you to learn as much as you can about our system of government. Now, today’s session of the state senate will be called to order in about ten minutes. You then will see government in action.” Immediately, a note-taking student asked,
“Uh, Senator, is ‘in action’ two words or one?”
All-Time Classic: Just an observation: How come… ...when the voters give control of Congress to the Democrats, it’s a victory. But… ...when the voters give control of Congress
to the Republicans, it’s a takeover?
For the week beginning October 27, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#158
With All Hallow’s Eve coming up on October
31, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features Halloween humor.
Joke of the Week: Late one Halloween night, a man was walking past a cemetery. All of a sudden, a casket rose out of a nearby plot. As the man watched in wide-eyed amazement, the casket stood upright. Then, slowly, ominously, the casket came towards the man. And mind you, the casket did not open to allow the deceased to come forth. It was the casket itself that was following him! To make a long story short, the casket stayed on the man’s tail, following him wherever he went. Ultimately, the casket cornered the man in the bathroom of his house. In desperation, the man started throwing at the casket anything on which he could lay his hands. He threw a bottle of Tylenol at the casket. The bottle struck the casket, but the casket kept coming. He threw a bottle of Kaopectate at the casket. The bottle struck the casket, but the casket kept coming. Finally, he threw at the casket the only bottle left in the medicine cabinet. The bottle struck the casket... ...and the casket stopped! Slowly, cautiously, the man approached the casket. The casket remained motionless. The man picked up the last bottle that he had thrown at the casket and looked at the label. It was a bottle of Robitussin. No wonder the coffin stopped!
For the younger set:
Question: What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music? Answer: Rap.
Question: Why didn’t the skeleton go bungee jumping? Answer: He didn’t have the stomach
for it.
Question: What do vampire bats do in their spare time? Answer: Not much. Mostly, they
just hang around.
Question: What do ghosts call their mothers and fathers? Answer: Trans-parents.
All-Time Classic: A paranormal investigator was assigned the task of determining if any ghosts were haunting an old Victorian mansion. The investigator brought along all of his state-of-the-art photographic equipment. That way, if any ghosts were haunting the mansion, the investigator would be able to capture them on film. As it happened, not five minutes after setting up his equipment, a ghost appeared. And instead of fading in and fading out quickly (as is typically the case), this ghost remained visible for quite some time. As a matter of fact, the ghost appeared to be posing for the camera! Taking advantage of the ghost’s hammy exhibitionism, the paranormal investigator snapped off shot after shot. After he had shot three rolls of film, the ghost vanished. Excitedly, the investigator drove back to his photo lab to process the pictures, anxious to see what his cameras had recorded. Unfortunately, and to the investigator’s great disappointment, not one of the pictures that he had taken came out in the processing. He discovered the reason why after re-checking his photographic equipment. It seems that the electronic flash unit had a weak battery, and therefore had not furnished enough light to make the ghost’s image appear on film. I suppose one could say… are you ready
for this?… the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
For the week beginning October 20, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#157
This week marks the third anniversary (October
24) of The Official Flash Kellam Website. Such a milestone
calls for a special joke set. Therefore - and courtesy of my mother’s
side of the family - the theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week
is "Scotsmen and pennies".
Joke of the Week: A Scotsman was visiting New York City on business. As he hurried down the streets of the Big Apple, a penny slipped out of his grasp and rolled away. The Scotsman quickly lost track of his coin. The Scotsman searched the area thoroughly, even to the point of getting down on his hands and knees. But despite all of his efforts, he could not find his penny. In due course, a member of New York’s Finest came by and asked the Scotsman what he was doing. The Scotsman explained to the officer that he had lost his penny. The officer helped the Scotsman search for a few minutes, but he also could not find the coin. “Well, sir,” said the officer, “I’m sorry that you lost your coin, but I have to get back to my beat. I’ll be coming by here one more time today before my shift ends.” “Aye,” said the Scotsman. “I also have to leave to attend a business meeting. But as soon as that meeting is over, I’m comin’ right back here to resume the search.” The two men parted ways. Some fifteen minutes later, a crew from the New York City Department of Public Works arrived on the scene to install a new sewer line. Using air hammers, they broke up the sidewalk. Then, a gang of laborers moved in and started digging like gophers. The officer returned to the scene around about four o’clock, and the Scotsman about one minute after the officer. The sidewalk where the Scotsman had lost his penny was gone now, replaced by a gaping trench. While the Scotsman and the officer stood by, the laborers continued to throw shovelful after shovelful of earth out of the pit. “Well, I must say, Laddie,” said the Scotsman
to the officer. “When you New Yorkers set out to search for somethin',
ye certainly are thorough.”
For the younger set: I first saw this joke used in the comic strip "Short Ribs" by Dan O'Neill. But, before we begin, a cultural note: A Scotsman in Highland dress wears suspended from his belt front an object called a sporran. A sporran is a pouch of leather, covered with fur and decorated with tassels. The sporran can be used, among other things, as a coin purse. Two Scotsmen, father and son, were walking through the hills of the Scottish Lowlands. After a while, they became quite thirsty. That was when they came across a well. The son looked down into the well, but he could not see to the bottom. “I canna see if there be water in the well,” said the son to his father. “Laddie, don’t ye remember what I taught ye?” “Taught me? About what?” “About how to tell whether there be water in a well. All ye have to do is throw a penny into the well. And if ye hear a splash, there be water in the well.” “Aye. I remember now. I must have been no more than a wee lad of four when ye taught me that trick.” The son opened his sporran, reached inside to get a penny… then withdrew quickly his hand and closed his sporran. “Oh, no, father. This time, we’re
gonna use yer penny.”
All-Time Classic: How did they invent copper wire? Well, two Scotsmen got into a fight over
a penny…
For the week beginning October 13, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#156
Joke of the Week: An American Indian chief wanted to know how cold the upcoming winter likely was to be, so he put in a call to the U.S. Weather Bureau. “We predict that your area will have a fairly typical winter,” said the meteorologist on the other end of the line. The chief relayed the information to his tribe, and ordered his people to gather firewood in quantities sufficient to ride out such a winter. Two weeks after making his initial call, the chief contacted the Weather Bureau again to see if there had been any change in the forecast. “As a matter of fact,” said the meteorologist, “we have indeed revised our forecast. We now predict that the upcoming winter will be very cold.” On the basis of this new information, the chief ordered his tribe to gather more firewood. After another two weeks had passed, the chief called the Weather Bureau for a third time to see if there had been any further changes. “We have had to revise our forecast yet again,” said the meteorologist. “We now predict that the upcoming winter will be extremely cold.” The chief ordered his tribe to gather still more firewood. Two weeks later, the chief made another call to the Weather Bureau. “Yes, we have had to revise our forecast yet again,” said the meteorologist. “We now predict that the upcoming winter likely will be the coldest on record.” “Are you certain of this new forecast?” asked the understandably exasperated chief. “Oh, absolutely. We’ve been getting
reports that the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy.”
For the younger set: With the Fall Classic now in progress, here is a baseball classic. A policeman was walking his beat when he came upon a sandlot baseball game. He decided to take a break and watch a few plays. The officer saw that one boy was keeping score on a chalkboard. The current score was Dodgers – 41 / Giants – 0. “Well, now, “ commented the officer. “It doesn’t look like the Giants are doing very well.” “Not to worry, sir,” said the boy.
“We haven’t even been to bat yet.”
All-Time Classic: A Cold War Classic! The old Soviet Union had a socialist economy or what is sometimes called a “command economy”. That is to say, the government had the authority to command the economy to do anything – anything except serve the needs of the people, that is. Not surprisingly, with the government in charge of the economy, goods were scarce and service was slow. How slow, you ask? Read on. Having saved enough money to purchase a personal car, Dimitri called the automobile factory and asked when his car would be delivered. The commissar in charge of the factory said, “We will be delivering car seven years from now, on September 23.” “Will you be delivering in morning or afternoon?” “Comrade, be reasonable. If you are having to wait seven years, what difference it make if it morning or afternoon?” “Because in afternoon, plumber is coming
to fix sink.”
For the week beginning October 6, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#155
Joke of the Week: A vagabond was walking along an English country road. In due course, he came upon a quaint-looking inn called the “St. George and the Dragon”. He knocked on the door, and a heavy-set woman answered it. “Yes?” said the woman, who took an instant dislike to the unwashed and shabbily-dressed man. "Good afternoon, madam,” said the vagabond. “I was wonderin’ if you might see it in yer heart to spare a plate of victuals.” “No,” said the woman. “Or, could you possibly spare a pint of ale?” ”No!” “Could I at least sleep in yer barn?” ”No!!” “In that case, could I…?” “What?” “Could I speak to St. George?”
For the younger set: A high school physics teacher asked one of his students (who happened to be a blonde), “Would you be able to hear if you were inside a vacuum?” The blonde thought for a moment, and then
asked, “Is the vacuum on or off?”
All-Time Classic: A man applying for a job with the Central Intelligence Agency was handed a sealed envelope. He was told that the information within was top secret and that he was not to look at it, but simply to deliver it to Room 401. Unfortunately, the applicant’s curiosity got the better of him. When he got to the fourth floor, he slipped into a storeroom. Carefully, he broke the seal on the envelope, opened the flap, and pulled out the document within. It read as follows: “Congratulations! You are just the sort of individual that we need. Report to Room 501 for immediate employment.”
For the week beginning September 29, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#154
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is "cows".
Joke of the Week: Adapted from a “Roscoe Sweeney” comic strip by Roy Crane. Everybody in the family loved Uncle Wilt. The problem was, he was becoming increasingly forgetful. He was even having trouble remembering things about money (he was very wealthy). One day, he appeared at the home of some relatives who lived on a farm. As he took off his jacket, some large denomination bills fell out of his pockets and onto the floor. His relatives quickly gathered and counted the money. It totaled $20,000. “Oh, Uncle Wilt,” said Aunt Edna. “Please take your money into town and have the bank store the cash in its vault. That way, the money will be safe. More important, so will you.” Uncle Wilt said that he would do so immediately. Five hours later, Uncle Wilt appeared once again at the farmhouse of his relatives. “Oh, there you are, Wilt,” said Cousin Bertha. “We were starting to become worried, you had been gone so long. Did you have trouble finding a bank in which to store the money?” “Nope. What happened was, I got all the way into town before I suddenly remembered that I’m a child of the Depression, so I don’t trust banks. I put the money in a strongbox and buried it in your cow pasture.” You could hear the family’s collective groan for a mile. “Oh, Uncle Wilt. Please, please, please tell me that you drew a map.” “What for? I don’t need a map.” “What? With your bad memory, you don’t think you need a map…?” “Now, now, stop your frettin’ and hear me out. When I said that I don’t need a map, it’s because I have a landmark.” “A landmark?” “That’s right. I buried the strongbox next to a prominent landmark. I’ll be able to find that money any time I want.” “Uncle Wilt, in case you forget… please tell us what the landmark is.” “Well… all right. You bein’ family
and all, I can trust you. Okay, here’s the deal. I buried the
money right next to a big… brown… cow.”
For the younger set: A school classic. An elementary school teacher instructed her pupils to draw a picture of a cow eating grass in a meadow. Leonard was the first to turn in his picture. But all that he had done was color half of a sheet of paper blue, and the other half brown. “Leonard,” said the teacher, “I asked you draw a picture of a cow eating grass in a meadow. All that I see here is what looks like the sky over a patch of bare earth. Where’s the grass?” “There is no grass. The cow ate it all.” “Where’s the cow?” “Well, since she ate all the grass, what
reason did the cow have to stay?”
All-Time Classic: Defendant (to plaintiff's lawyer): Look, I keep telling you, I didn't intend to run into your client. I lost control of my car when I swerved to avoid a cow in the road. Plaintiff's lawyer: Was it a Jersey cow? Defendant: I don't know. It
all happened so fast, I never saw its license plates.
For the week beginning September 22, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#153
Joke of the Week: A small-town police chief put out notice that his department was hiring additional officers. To the chief's dismay, one of the applicants was a local yokel by the name of Lester. The chief knew Lester to be a decent enough sort. But he knew also that Lester was, shall we say, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Still, out of fairness, the chief granted Lester an interview. “Lester," said the chief, "let me ask you a few questions on general knowledge. First, what is 1 and 1?” “Aw, heck, that’s easy,” said Lester. “1 and 1 are 11.” “What two days begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Heck, that’s easy, too. Today and Tomorrow.” “Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” That question stumped Lester. “I don’t know,” he replied. Seeing his opening, the chief rose from his chair. As he showed Lester to the door, the chief said, “Well, I’ll tell you what, Lester. Why don’t you go home and think about it, okay?” A half-hour later, Lester was back at home. “Well, Lester,” said his mother. “Did you get the job?” “Sure ‘nuff,” said Lester. “As a
matter of fact, the chief's already got me workin’ a murder case."
For the younger set: A college student called his father on the phone. "Hey, Dad,” said the college student, “do you remember telling me that if I made the Dean’s List, you’d give me $500?” “Yes, I remember,” said his father. “Well, I have good news. You get
to keep the money.”
All-Time Classic: A chicken and a pig were walking along the road when they came to a church. “You know,” said the chicken, “we ought to contribute something to the pastor to make his life a little easier.” “What do you suggest?” asked the pig. “How about we contribute a ham and egg breakfast?” “Hey, look,” said the pig. "To you,
a
ham and egg breakfast is a contribution. To
me, it's a commitment.”
For the week beginning September 15, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#152
Joke of the Week: A man was boasting about his dog to a visitor. “My dog is absolutely amazing,” said the man. “Every morning, he brings in the daily paper.” “How is that so amazing?” asked the visitor. “A lot of dogs do that.” “Ah, yes, but I don’t subscribe.”
For the younger set: "Mom,” asked a boy, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That is what they say, dear,” replied his mother. "Well, the thing of it is is, I just kept
ten doctors away - but I wouldn't mind seeing one now."
All-Time Classic: Here are a few classic classified ads. “Demolition expert wanted. Must be licensed to handle explosives. Must be willing to travel.” “Going on vacation? Let us exterminate your home while you’re away.” “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your house for a dollar.” “Illiterate? Write to us for free help.” “Stock up now and save. Limit one, please.” “Why go to those other used car dealers
to get cheated? Come to us instead.”
For the week beginning September 8, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#151
With the first anniversary of the terrorist
attacks coming up this week, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features
terrorist humor.
Joke of the Week: Question: What do you call 50,000 parachuting Al-Qaeda terrorists? Answer: Air pollution.
For the younger set: In the days before September 11, 2001, commercial airliners occasionally would be hijacked for the purpose of holding the plane - and the passengers - for ransom. One Middle Eastern terrorist hijacked an
airplane - then demanded 500,000 parachutes and a dollar.
All-Time Classic: U.N. Weapons Inspector (to Iraqi Escorts): I want to check out this building next. Iraqi Escort 1: Oh, no, no, no. It is not necessary to inspect this building. This is our culture center. U.N. Weapons Inspector: Culture center? Iraqi Escort 2: Yes. Anthrax culture, botulin culture, smallpox culture… Iraqi Escort 1: Shut up, you infidel!
For the week beginning September 1, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#150
With school back in session, this edition
of Flash’s Joke of the Week features school work – and attempts to get
out of it.
Joke of the Week: Three college students had a chemistry midterm coming up on Monday. But instead of studying for the test, they decided to spend the weekend with some friends - who lived in a city some fifty miles north of the college. As you might imagine, after a weekend of drinking and partying, the three students were in no condition to drive. It was Tuesday afternoon before finally they limped back to their college - too late to take the midterm examination. The three students conferred with their professor about taking a make-up exam. “And just why should I allow you three to take a make-up exam?" challenged the professor. “Your classmates showed up on time. Why couldn’t you?” “Because our car got a flat tire," said the first student (speaking more quickly than he would have liked, but there was no turning back now). "Yes, and when we tried to change it, we found that the spare also was flat. Getting back on the road meant getting a new tire, and that took quite a bit of time. So yes, we were late for the examination; but not through any fault of our own." The other two students quickly nodded in agreement. The professor gave them a long look. “Now, boys,” said the professor at length. “I have been teaching at this college for thirty-two years, and I have heard just about every excuse in the book. So you will forgive me if I find your story to be, shall we say, a little too contrived?” Again, the first student spoke for the group. “Well, professor, I don't know what else to do except to tell you exactly what happened.” Again, the other two students quickly nodded in agreement. Again, the professor gave them a long look. “Now, boys, you're old enough to know that telling a lie only gets you in deeper. So why don't you three come clean and simply admit that you were out partying over the weekend, instead of studying, as you should have been. Or do you still wish to adhere to your flat tire story?” The three students had come to a moral fork in the road and had to make a choice. Their decision: They stuck with their flat tire story. “Very well,” said the professor. “Since you have given me your word that you were victims of circumstances beyond your control, I will indeed allow you to take a make-up exam.” The three students let out sighs of relief. “However,” continued the professor, “there are two conditions. First, since you had more time to study than did your classmates, it is only fair that the make-up exam be given at the earliest possible opportunity: Tomorrow afternoon at five o'clock. Your room assignments will be posted on the bulletin board outside of my office.” “Excuse me, professor,” said the first student. “Did you say room assignments? Plural?” “That is the other condition,” said the professor. “Each of you will take the make-up exam alone, in separate rooms. I will oversee one of you, while two of my colleagues from the chemistry department will oversee the others. Those are my conditions. Take them or leave them.” Naturally, the three students accepted the professor’s terms. The next day, each of the three students reported to his assigned classroom (the professor would oversee personally the first student, the one who had done all of the talking). The professor handed the first student his test booklet. The cover of the booklet read as follows: CHEMISTRY 301 Make-up Examination 100 Points . The first student took his seat and, at the professor’s signal, opened his test booklet. The first question read as follows: Question 1 (5 points): “Strips of aluminum metal are combined with hydrochloric acid (HCl) to produce aluminum chloride (AlCl3) and release hydrogen gas. Show the chemical equation that describes this reaction. Show also the state of matter or physical form of each substance involved in the reaction. The chemical equation must conform to the Law of Definite Composition.” The first student thought for a moment. The aluminum metal will be in the solid state, of course, and the hydrochloric acid will be in the form of an aqueous solution. The resulting aluminum chloride also will be in the form of an aqueous solution, and the hydrogen will, naturally, be in the gaseous state. Now, as to Definite Composition: Hydrogen gas molecules are diatomic (that is, composed of two atoms of hydrogen). And since each molecule of hydrochloric acid provides only one atom of hydrogen, the HCl in the equation must be present in multiples of two. But there is another consideration. The aluminum chloride consists of three atoms of chlorine for each atom of aluminum. And since each molecule of hydrochloric acid provides only one atom of chlorine, the HCl in the equation must be present in multiples of three as well as in multiples of two. After a little finagling, the first student came up with the correct equation: 2Al (s) + 6HCl (aq) = 2AlCl3
(aq) + 3H2 (g)
“Well,” thought the first student, “that question was easy enough.” The first student then turned the page
in order to tackle the second question. The second question read
as follows:
Question 2 (95 points): “Which tire was the one that went flat?”
For the younger set: A twelve year-old girl named Penny Smith did not wish to go to school one particular day, so she decided that she would call herself in sick (it was possible for her to do this because both of her parents had to leave for work very, very early in the morning). After practicing her delivery so that she would sound like a grown-up, the girl called her school on the telephone. “Franklin Middle School? Yes, I’m calling to inform you that Penny Smith will not be in attendance today. She is very sick.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” said the school official on the other end of the line. “Very well, we’ll mark her down as absent due to illness. Uh, just for the record, who is calling please?” “This is my mother.”
All-Time Classic: From the MAD magazine satire of “Welcome Back, Kotter.” “Hey, Mr. Kotter,” said Vinnie Barbarino, “would you explain somethin’ to me? How come Epstein got two points on the test and I got zero? I was copyin' off him all the way.” “I gave Epstein two points for neatness.”
For the week beginning August 25, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#149
Joke of the Week: The U.S. Air Force was having trouble meeting its recruitment goals, especially in the high skills areas. So the Chief of Staff of the Air Force decided to intervene personally. He opened up an air base to the public and invited all of the young men and women in the area to come by and talk to him about careers in the Air Force. The Chief of Staff and his aide set up a recruitment booth near the entrance to the base. But by midday, no one had come by to talk about enlisting. The Chief of Staff was becoming very discouraged. But around about four in the afternoon, two husky-looking young men (who happened to be identical twins) stopped by the booth. “What skills could you bring to the Air Force?” asked the Chief of Staff of the first of the twins. “I pilot,” said the first brother. Needless to say, the Chief ordered his aide to sign up the first brother pronto. “What skills could you bring to the Air Force?” asked the Chief of Staff of the second of the twins. “I chop wood,” said the second brother. “Well, that’s all fine and well,” said the Chief. “But we have no need for wood choppers in the Air Force.” “What you talkin’ about? You sign up my brother.” “Well, yes. But your brother said he’s a pilot.” “That true. But before he can pile
it, I gotta chop it.”
For the younger set: When a mother and her young son got back from the supermarket, the boy dug out from one of the grocery bags the box of animal crackers he had requested. But instead of eating them out of the box one at a time, the boy dumped the entire contents onto the kitchen table. “What are you doing?” asked the mother. “Well," said the boy, "this note on the side of the box says, 'WARNING: DO NOT EAT IF SEAL IS BROKEN'”. “So?” prompted his mother. “So I’m spreading out the animals to find
the seal to see if it’s broken.”
All-Time Classic: An American couple was taking a tour of an ancient European castle. “As you walk through this castle,” said the tour guide, “please keep in mind that you are seeing it exactly as it was when it was built. Not one stone, not one floor tile, not one window bar – nothing has been changed or replaced in 600 years.” “What do you know about that, Mary?” said
the husband to his wife. “This place has the same landlord that we
do.”
For the week beginning August 18, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#148
Joke of the Week: The director of a community fund was attempting to secure a large donation from the city’s wealthiest lawyer. “Mr. Smith,” said the charity director to the attorney. “My sources tell me that your law firm earned sixteen million dollars last year. But you have yet to donate a penny to the community fund.” “Let me ask you something,” said the lawyer. “Did you know about my mother, who has a crippling illness and medical bills up to her neck? Did you know about my brother, a disabled veteran, who is both blind and confined to a wheelchair? Did you know about my sister, whose husband was killed in an automobile accident, leaving her with three children to raise?” “Well, uh, no, I didn’t know about any of that,” admitted the charity director. “Well, you know now,” said the attorney.
“So how can you expect me to donate to the community fund, when I’m not
giving anything to them?”
For the younger set:
Some classic mind-benders.
Question: How many beans can you get into an empty jar? Answer: Just one. After that,
the jar no longer is empty.
Question: How long is a piece of string? Answer: Twice as long as it is from
the middle to one end.
Question: How many balls of string would it take to reach the Moon? Answer: Just one. But it would
have to be a big one.
Question: How far can you walk into a forest? Answer: Only half way. After
that, you are walking out.
All-Time Classic: A man goes into a hotel and requests a room for the night. “Do you have a reservation?” asks the desk clerk. “No, I don't have a reservation," says the man. "I just need a room for the night.” “Well, I’m sorry, sir. If you don’t have a reservation, we can’t help you. We have no vacancies.” “Hah! If the President of the United States showed up here and needed a room, what would you say then?” “Well, I suppose if it were the President, we probably could make some accommodation.” “Fine. By the way, when does the President get here?” “I didn’t say that the President is coming here. As a matter of fact, he’s not coming here.” “Good. Then you can give to me
the room you were going to give to him.”
For the week beginning August 11, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#147
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is “police officers”.
Joke of the Week: An officer pulled over a motorist who appeared to be intoxicated. After directing the motorist to step out of his vehicle, the officer proceded to give the man a field sobriety test. “Sir,” said the officer, "at this time, I’m going to give you a Breathalyzer test. I want you to blow strongly and steadily into this tube.” “I can’t do that, officer,” replied the motorist. “Why not?” “Because I’m an asthmatic. Were I to blow forcefully into that tube, it would trigger an asthma attack.” “Very well. We’ll go down to the station and draw a blood sample.” “You can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m also a hemophiliac. Were you to draw a blood sample, I’d bleed to death.” “All right. We’ll get a urine sample instead.” “You can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m also a diabetic. Were you to compel me to force out a urine sample, I’d lapse into a diabetic coma.” “Okay then. Let me see you walk a straight line.” “I can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m drunk.”
For the younger set: A four-foot tall fortune teller broke out of jail. An All Points Bulletin was issued. It was succinct and to the point: “At Large: Small Medium.”
All-Time Classic: A man went up to a uniformed officer (who happened also to be a graduate of Texas A&M University). “Officer, I need some help,” said the man. “I’m sorry, sir,” said the former Aggie. “I can’t help you.” “What do you mean you can’t help me? You are a police officer, are you not?” “To be more accurate, sir, I’m an undercover operative.” “Well, if you’re working undercover, why are you in uniform?” “Today's my day off.”
For the week beginning August 4, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#146
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is “drinking (actual and otherwise)”.
Joke of the Week: True story: Recently, two pilots for America West were heading for their plane when an airport security officer noticed that they appeared to be intoxicated. Both pilots were given a Breathalyzer test. Both failed the test. Both were suspended from duty - and later fired - by their employer. The above incident was the inspiration for the following joke: Question: How many America West pilots does it take to fly an airplane? Answer: Two and a fifth.
For the younger set: The father of the family was out of town on a business trip. So the mother of the family and her young son were the only ones at the dinner table that night. At one point, the boy tried to open a bottle of ketchup. But he found that the cap was screwed on so tight, he could not remove it. The mother took the bottle from her son. But she also could not unscrew the cap. The mother took the bottle into the kitchen, figuring that she could loosen the cap by giving it a few sharp raps on the breadboard. But just as she began to tap the bottle cap against the breadboard, the telephone rang. “Bobby, would you answer the phone, please?” said the mother to her son. The boy climbed down from his chair. He took the receiver off of the hook and put it to his ear. “Hello,” said Bobby. “Hello, Bobby,” said a familiar voice on the other end of the line. “This is the Reverend Pritchard. How are you?” “I’m fine, Reverend.” “That’s nice. Bobby, may I please speak to either your father or your mother?” “You can’t speak to either of them right now.” “Oh? Why not?” “Daddy’s left town. And Mommy’s in
the kitchen, hitting the bottle.”
All-Time Classic: An Anglican priest was dismayed by the high incidence of drunkenness among his Aberdeen parishioners. He decided that, come next Sunday, he would deliver a strong sermon on the dangers of insobriety. And the priest would not be relying on oratory alone to make his point. He planned to present also a powerful graphic demonstration to back up his words. The following Sunday, after delivering his sermon on the evils of overindulgence, the priest set atop the lectern two large glasses. One glass was filled with water; the other, with Scotch whiskey. The priest then held up, for all to see, a large earthworm. The priest placed the earthworm into the glass of water. The earthworm swam around in the water vigorously, completely unharmed. The priest then fished the earthworm out of the glass of water and placed it into the glass of whiskey. The earthworm immediately shriveled up and died. “Any questions?” said the priest. A member of the congregation, a certain Montgomery MacMillan, raised his hand. The priest knew Monty MacMillan to be one of the hardest drinkers in the community, so the mere fact that he had a question pleased the cleric. If what I have said this day has had an impact on Monty, thought the priest, then surely my message must have gotten through to the entire congregation. After being recognized by the pulpit, Monty MacMillan stood to address the priest. “Yes, Father,” said Monty. "I have a question.” “Very well,” said the priest. “What is yer question?” “Well, Father, I watched how ye placed the two glasses on the lectern, one filled with water and the other filled with whiskey, and this raises me question.” “Yes,” said the priest. “What is yer question?” “Well, Father, I then watched as ye placed the earthworm in the glass of water, and the worm swam around, apparently unharmed, and this raises me question.” “Yes, yes,” said the priest. “What is yer question?” “Well, Father, I then watched as ye placed the earthworm in the glass of whiskey, causing him to shrivel up and die, and this raises me question.” “Yes, yes, yes,” said the priest. “What is yer question?” “Me question is this: Would ye by
any chance happen to know the brand name of that Scotch?”
For the week beginning July 28, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#145
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is “blonde jokes”.
Joke of the Week: A blonde was a passenger aboard an airliner flying from Tokyo, Japan to Los Angeles, California. Midway across the Pacific, the plane began to encounter rough weather. At one point, the captain’s voice came over the intercom. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have an announcement to make. But first, let me assure you that there is no danger. We have had to shut down our No. 1 engine due to a lightning strike. Our three remaining engines are still functioning, and we can remain aloft. However, due to the reduced engine power, our arrival at Los Angeles International Airport will be delayed by ten minutes.” An hour later, the captain’s voice came over the intercom again. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have another announcement to make. But again, let me first assure you that there is no danger. We have had to shut down our No. 4 engine due to a loss of oil pressure. Our two remaining engines are still functioning, and we can remain aloft. However, due to the reduced engine power, our arrival at Los Angeles International Airport will now be delayed by twenty-five minutes.” An hour later, the captain’s voice came over the intercom for the third time. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have another announcement to make. But as before, let me first assure you that there is no danger. We have had to shut down our No. 2 engine due to a mechanical problem. Our one remaining engine is still functioning, and we can remain aloft. However, due to the reduced engine power, our arrival at Los Angeles International Airport will now be delayed by two hours.” “Good grief,” thought the blonde.
"If they have to shut down that last engine, we’ll be up here all night.”
For the younger set: A fifteen year-old blonde was sitting at her desk, taking a standardized examination. Being as she was a blonde, she did not know any of the answers. But since it was a true/false test, the blonde decided to flip a coin (heads for true, tails for false). Evidently, she figured that random chance, as opposed to mere guessing, offered the better hope for a passing grade. The blonde’s teacher, who was sitting at his desk at the front of the room, was disgusted to see one of his pupils completing a test form in such a manner. However, he said nothing about it. He decided simply to let the blonde make her own bed and lie in it. Using her coin-flipping method, the blonde completed her test form in record time. But then, the blonde started doing something that the teacher found totally inexplicable. Though she had finished filling out her test form, she continued to flip her coin. This time, his curiosity now aroused, the teacher did say something. “What are you doing?” asked the teacher of the blonde. “Well,” said the blonde, “I completed my test form by flipping a coin. It took only thirty minutes, so there are thirty minutes left in the period.” “So?” prompted the teacher. “So I’m using the remaining time to double-check
my answers.”
All-Time Classic: A group of four - Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde, and a dumb brunette - are walking through the park when they see a twenty-dollar bill lying on the footpath. Question: Who gets the twenty-dollar bill? Answer: The dumb brunette.
The other three characters are fictitious.
For the week beginning July 21, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#144
Joke of the Week: A shepherd was tending his flock went a man drove up to him in a 4x4. The man got out of his vehicle and introduced himself. He then made the shepherd an extraordinary proposition. “I will wager that I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock. The stakes are these: If I tell you correctly, I take possession of one of your flock. If not, you take possession of my 4X4. Agreed?” The shepherd’s curiosity was aroused, so he accepted the man’s wager. The man took out of his vehicle a number of pieces of sophisticated equipment. Within minutes, he had set up a full computer station, including a satellite dish. The man booted up his computer and accessed the operating software. The satellite dish rotated to a particular orientation, and satellite data appeared on the video monitor. The computer performed a series of statistical analyses, and the printer churned out page after page of graphs, formulas, images, and narrative. After assembling the hard copy documents, the man took a few minutes to review the completed report. He then gave the shepherd his answer. “You have,” said the man, “exactly 214 sheep in your flock. Correct?” “I can’t deny that you’re right,” said the shepherd. “Okay, you win. Go ahead and take a sheep.” The man waded into the flock. A few minutes later, he returned to his 4X4 with his selection under his arm. “Excuse me, sir,” said the shepherd. “Would you be game enough to give me a chance to get even by making another bet?” “What do you have in mind?” “I’ll wager that I can tell you your occupation. The stakes are these: If I tell you correctly, you forfeit what you won on the first bet. If not, you can make another selection from my flock. Agreed?” This time, it was the man’s curiosity that was aroused, so he accepted the shepherd’s wager. “Your occupation,” said the shepherd, “is consultant. Correct?” “I can’t deny that you’re right,” said the man. “But how did you know?” “Three things gave you away. First, you showed up here to offer your services without being solicited. Second, you gave me the correct answer - but I already knew the correct answer. Third, you don’t know the first thing about my business.” “I’ll concede the first two points. But what makes you think that I don’t know the first thing about your business?” “Well, for one thing... that's my sheepdog
you have under your arm.”
For the younger set: A Flash Kellam original! For the past four Saturdays, fifteen year-old Jimmy had taken his dog to the canine training center. The animal, you see, was midway through an eight-week obedience course. On the fifth Saturday, however, Jimmy showed up at the training center without his dog. “Jimmy, where’s your dog?” asked the instructor. “Well, it’s like this,” said Jimmy. “I was given a home assignment for biology class. My task was to use genetic engineering to produce an unknown species of carnivore.” “And?” prompted the instructor. “And my homework ate my dog.”
All-Time Classic: The following anecdote is all over the Internet; but whether the events that I am about to relate actually happened, I cannot say. But, whether the story is true or not, it is unquestionably hilarious. That is why it already is a classic. Two Boeing Aircraft workers wanted to go river rafting. But as it happened, neither of them owned – or could afford to buy – a river raft. So they stole a life raft out of a completed 747 jumbo jet. They figured that no one would notice the theft. Or even if someone did, they figured that the company would figure that some other worker simply neglected to secure a life raft aboard that particular airplane. Either way, the two thieves figured that they were in the clear. The two workers took the life raft to the river’s edge, inflated it, launched it, and got on board. Within minutes, they were shooting down the rapids, riding over the drops, and otherwise having a great old time. So imagine their surprise when they looked up to see hovering above them… … a U.S. Coast Guard rescue helicopter! You see, what the two workers did not know is that life rafts of the type placed aboard 747s are equipped with radio distress beacons. Upon inflation of the raft, the beacon automatically begins transmitting radio homing signals. The two workers no longer are employed
by Boeing.
For the week beginning July 14, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#143
Joke of the Week: At a magician’s convention, an aficionado was engaged in conversation with The Great Bandar. “Say, Bandar. What became of that great-looking redhead with whom you used to do that “saw-the-woman-in-half” trick?” “She retired to California - and Florida.”
For the younger set: A school classic. “Teacher, this isn't fair,” said a student. "I don’t deserve absolute zero.” “I don’t think that you do either.
But it’s the lowest grade that I can give you.”
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! This Cold War classic takes place during the early days of the Soviet space program. First, some background: In the 1960's, spacefarers got their nourishment by eating food concentrates stored in aluminum squeeze tubes. The spacefarer squeezed the contents directly into his mouth, thereby enabling him to eat in microgravity. With that background, here is the joke: A cosmonaut was seated inside a spaceflight simulator. His training officer, stationed outside the simulator, watched the cosmonaut on closed-circuit television and communicated with him by intercom. “Cosmonaut Ivanov,” said the trainer. "During your upcoming mission, you will feed yourself food concentrates from squeeze tubes in rack behind you. At this time, select tube and consume contents.” Squeeze, gulp, squeeze, gulp, squeeze, gulp. “Give me your evaluation of contents,” said the trainer. “Tastes like toothpaste.” “Imbecile. That is toothpaste. Food concentrates are in other rack," said the trainer. "Select another tube - this time from proper rack - and consume contents.” Squeeze, gulp, squeeze, gulp, squeeze, gulp. “Give me your evaluation of contents,” said the trainer. “Toothpaste tastes better.”
For the week beginning July 7, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#142
With the Major League All-Star Game coming
up July 9, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features baseball humor.
Joke of the Week: Adapted from "Archie and Jughead". Baseball player (reading sports section): Hey, coach. We finally made first place in the league standings. How about that? Coach: How about you turn the paper
right side up?
For the younger set: This baseball classic provides an object lesson about authority. According to legend, the great George Herman Ruth was at bat. The pitcher delivered the horsehide. The Bambino, judging that the pitch would miss the plate, allowed it to go past him. But the umpire called the pitch a strike. The Babe protested. "You've gotta be out of your mind, ump. There are thirty thousand people in the stands who know darn well that that was a ball!" The umpire replied - calmly but firmly
- "Maybe. But mine is the only opinion that counts."
All-Time Classic: The following classic is, admittedly, rather darkly themed. Nevertheless, it is a classic. Baseball players come in all types. Most play the game with a smile. But, as you are about to read, there are those who play the game with a frown. The tactical situation required that the next batter be intentionally walked. The manager flashed the sign to the battery to do exactly that. Instead, the pitcher delivered a bean ball. The batter was struck in the head, which awarded him first base by reason of having been hit by the pitch. Unfortunately, the batter - despite his batting helmet - had been knocked unconscious. The batter was taken off of the field on a stretcher, and a pinch runner was sent in for the injured player. Later, in the locker room, the enraged manager confronted his pitcher. "Have you completely lost your mind?" roared the manager. "I told you to intentionally walk the batter. I didn't tell you to bean him!" The pitcher - a misanthropic type to be
sure - responded coldly, "Why accomplish with four pitches what you can
accomplish with one?"
For the week beginning June 30, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#141
With the Fourth of July coming up this
week, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features “Revolutionary”
humor.
Joke of the Week: From Dave Berg. A man went to the backyard of his next-door neighbor, who was doing some outdoor cooking. “What do you have on the grill?” asked the man. “I have,” said the chef, “some Italian lasagna, Mexican chili con carne, Hungarian goulash, Chinese stir-fry vegetables, Polish sausage, and French bread, all of which is being cooked on a Japanese hibachi.” “Wow! That’s some banquet you’re putting together. What’s the occasion?” “Have you forgotten? Today is American
Independence Day.”
For the younger set: A group of Patriots (American rebels) were chasing a Tory (British loyalist) through the woods. But the pursuers quickly lost sight of their quarry in the dense undergrowth. The Patriots were about to give up and turn back… … when the clucking of a chicken attracted their attention. The Patriots sensed that the hen was trying to get them to follow her. The Americans got on her heels and - in short order - she led them to the British loyalist, who was hiding in the bushes. Just another case of… are you ready for
this?… Chicken Catch-a-Tory.
All-Time Classic: From Dave Berg. Historical note: This joke takes place at Valley Forge during the terrible winter of 1777. An American rebel, on sentry duty at Valley Forge, saw a man approach his post. “Halt! Who goes there?” challenged the sentry. “Charles Barrington, Private, of His Majesty’s 7th Regiment,” replied the man. “Pass,” said the sentry. A second sentry, enraged at what he had just seen, angrily confronted the first sentry. “Are you out of your mind?” roared the second sentry. “You just allowed a British soldier to enter our camp. Do you not realize that it is they who we are fighting?” “Of course I do,” said the first sentry. “That is why I let him pass.” “You mean…?” “Correct. Let the bloody Redcoat
suffer along with the rest of us.”
For the week beginning June 23, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#140
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke
of the Week is “Aggies and Airplanes”.
Joke of the Week: Two Aggies were flying from Springfield, Illinois to Springfield, Missouri in their twin-engine plane. Shortly after crossing the Mississippi River, their craft was struck by lightning. The plane’s fuselage was severely damaged, the radio was put out of commission, and the tanks began to leak fuel. The Aggies decided that they had better set down at the first available landing strip. Unfortunately, the first available landing strip was a small rural airport. Rural airports, as we all know, are notorious for having short runways. But the Aggies had no choice. They had to try for a landing, short runways or no. Without their radio, they could get neither landing clearance nor an approach vector from ground control. They would have to bring the plane in for a landing on their own judgment. The Aggie piloting the plane made a perfect approach, followed by an equally perfect three-point landing. But then, the end of the runway came up too fast. The pilot was forced to pull back on the wheel and take to the skies again. His second attempt went much the same way. Though he made another perfect landing, the too-short runway forced him to take to the skies once more. His third, fourth, and fifth attempts also ended in aborted landings. The pilot lined up for his sixth approach. And with his craft running low on fuel, this would be his last chance. The pilot set the plane on the tarmac as close to the near end of the runway as he could, then slammed on the brakes. The craft skidded, then went off of the far end of the runway. Thankfully, the plane ran into a mud pit and came to a stop. The two Aggies crawled out of their plane and slogged through the mud to reach terra firma. The pilot was steaming mad. “I don’t care how long it takes! I’m going to find out the name of the idiot who designed these runways, and I’m going to tear him limb from limb!” “Come on, take it easy,” said the other
Aggie. “I’ll admit that the designer made these runways too short.
But look how wide they are.”
For the younger set: Two Aggies were piloting a light plane cross-country when they encountered a rainstorm. With each passing minute, the rain became heavier and heavier. Then, lightning began to flash and thunder began to roar. Suddenly, a massive bolt of lightning flashed right across their bow. The resulting thunderclap hit the light plane like a sledgehammer. “For crying out loud,” said the co-pilot
to the pilot. “Let’s do a 360 and get the heck out of here!”
All-Time Classic: A flight stewardess noticed that one of her passengers, a Texas Aggie, seemed to be in some discomfort. “Is there something wrong, sir?” “As a matter of fact, yes," replied the Aggie. "It’s my ears. Every time I go flying, they hurt like sixty.” “Many people experience ear pain while flying. It’s caused by a change in the cabin pressure. What remedies have you tried?” “I’ve tried everything up to and including prescription decongestants. But nothing works for me.” “Have you tried the classic remedy?” asked the stewardess, as she pulled from her pocket two sticks of chewing gum. “Chewing gum?” asked the Aggie. “Yes, sir. Many people find that this alleviates the problem. Why not give it a try?” The Aggie took the two sticks of chewing
gum from the stewardess.
As the passengers were disembarking, the Aggie went up to the stewardess. “Oh, Miss,” said the Aggie. “I thought you might like to know. That chewing gum did the trick. As soon as I started using it, my ears stopped hurting.” “That’s wonderful, sir.” “Just one question, if I may?” “Yes, sir?” “How do I get the gum out of my ears?”
For the week beginning June 16, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#139
Joke of the Week: The game of anagrams consists of taking the letters in a word or phrase and re-arranging them to form a different word or phrase. For example, the letters in the word “DYNAMO” can be re-arranged to form the word “MONDAY”. Here are a few of the more interesting anagrams that I have encountered over the years: Take the letters in the phrase A DECIMAL
POINT:
Take the letters in the phrase SLOT MACHINES:
Take the letters in the phrase SNOOZE ALARMS:
Take the letters in the phrase MOTHER-IN-LAW:
For the younger set: Mr. Green is a butcher by trade. He is six feet tall, has a 44-inch waist, and wears size twelve shoes. Given that information, what does Mr. Green weigh? Do not look at the answer just yet. Read the preceding paragraph again, and the solution may come to you. Give up? Okay, here is the answer. Recall that I said that Mr. Green is a
butcher by trade. That means that he weighs… meat.
All-Time Classic: A country doctor answered his office telephone. The woman on the other end of the line was frantic just this side of hysterical. “Doctor, this is Elsa Jones. You gotta get out here right quick. My husband accidentally swallowed a pencil. He’s turning blue in the face!” “It will take me at least ten minutes to get to your house,” said the doctor. “What are you doing in the meantime?” “Using a pen.”
For the week beginning June 9, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#138
The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is "lemonade stands". Grand Master's note: The children are out of school for summer vacation and the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. And that means that many youngsters will be setting up lemonade stands. Often, these makeshift enterprises are
a child’s first experience with the free market system. And, as you
are about to read, experience teaches many lessons.
Joke of the Week: Grand Master's note: Profits can be made legally – or illegally. Adapted from a Gahan Wilson panel cartoon. Sign on a child's sidewalk refreshment stand: ICED DRINK SURPRISE
Sign on another child's sidewalk refreshment stand one block away: ICED DRINK SURPRISE ANTIDOTE
For the younger set: Grand Master's note: Starting your own business is part of the American Dream. But entrepreneurial spirit alone is no substitute for product testing. Adapted from a scene in a “Top Cat” comic book. Two ten year-old entrepreneurs, Jose and Enrique, formed a partnership and set up a lemonade stand. In due course, their first customer came to call. Jose rang up the quarter while Enrique poured a serving of lemonade into a paper cup. “Here you are, sir,” said Enrique. “Enjoy.” The man took the cup of lemonade from Enrique. Jose and Enrique turned to face each other. The two of them shook hands. They had their first quarter to frame and hang on the wall. They were going places, and the sky was the limit. But abruptly, their visions of financial success were interrupted by the sounds of their customer coughing, hacking, and choking. He was bent over and spitting up globs. He needed about two minutes to recover. “Uh, something wrong, sir?” asked Enrique. “What are you two juvenile delinquents trying to do, poison me?” roared the enraged man. “Police! Police!” Needless to say, Jose and Enrique cut out fast. After putting fourteen blocks between themselves and their less-than-satisfied customer, the two youths figured that it was safe to stop for a breather. ‘Well, that’s it,” said Jose. “Looks like we’re out of business.” “Yeah, looks like,” agreed Enrique. “I
just don’t get it. Tex-Mex food is so popular these days, wouldn't
you figure that jalapeno-flavored lemonade would be a big seller?”
All-Time Classic: Grand Master's note: In a capitalist system, prices are determined by the market and by nothing else; live it, love it, learn it, get used to it. Adapted from a “Dennis the Menace” panel cartoon. Dennis and Tommy set up a sidewalk refreshment stand with a sign that read: LEMONADE FOR SALE
The two boys remained at their stand all day long, but not one sale did they make. The Sun was setting now. “I’ve had it, Dennis,” said Tommy. “I’m goin’ home.” “Come on, Tommy, don’t give up,” said Dennis
in encouraging tones. “Like I keep telling you, all we have to sell
is one glass.”
For the week beginning June 2, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#137
Compliments of my father’s side of the
family, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features Swedish humor.
Joke of the Week: Stefan was walking along the lakeshore when he saw something unusual going on at a construction site. Stefan’s friend Olaf and five of his co-workers were trying to put a tape measure to a tall vertical pole - by standing on each other’s shoulders! While Stefan watched with interest, the human tower rose shakily. It collapsed as soon as the third man stepped onto the shoulders of the second. All that Olaf and his crew got for their efforts were a lot of bumps and bruises. As for the pole, it remained unmeasured. Stefan moved in for a closer look. When he saw that the pole was not set firmly into the earth, Stefan suggested to Olaf that he and his co-workers should take the pole out of the hole and lay it on the ground. It then would be a cinch to put the tape measure to it. “But, Stefan,” said Olaf. "I don't
think ye understand. Ve don't need to know how long it is.
Ve need to know how tall it is."
For the younger set: Two Swedish émigrés, Jan and Sven, farmed adjacent tracts of land on the outskirts of Lindsborg, Kansas. Both farmers worked hard and prospered; but there was one thing that was making their lives difficult. Each farmer's plow mule was forever wandering onto the tract of the other - causing no end of confusion as to who owned which. What the farmers needed was a way to tell their mules apart at a distance. So, in an effort to make the animals distinctive, Sven cut a notch in the right ear of his mule. But the next day, Jan’s mule wandered too close to a barbed-wire fence and ended up getting a cut in his right ear similar to that in the right ear of Sven’s mule. This meant that a cut in the right ear no longer was distinguishing. So, as far as being able to tell their mules apart was concerned, the farmers were back to square one. In another effort to make the animals distinctive, Jan shaved the tuft hairs off of the tail of his mule. But the next day, Sven’s mule lost the tuft hairs on his tail when it became caught in the crotch of a tree. So once again, the farmers were back to square one. Finally, the two of them got a break.
Sven noticed that his black mule was two inches shorter than Jan’s gray
mule.
All-Time Classic: Two Swedish émigrés, Gustav and Ole, found work in a Minnesota sawmill. Not five minutes into their new jobs, Gustav called Ole to his side. Gustav’s right hand was missing. “Ole,” said Gustav, "I’ve lost my hand.” “How did it happen?” asked Ole. “Vell, to tell you the truth,” said Gustav,
“I don’t rightly know. I vas vorking here at the buzz saw like they
told me to do. Then, at vun point, I stuck my hand out - like this
- und… vell, py yumpin’ Yupiter. There goes the other vun.”
For the week beginning May 26, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#136
Joke of the Week: Adapted from the comic strip, “Officer Casey”. A very angry man stormed into his lawyer's office. "I want to sue my next-door neighbor!" said the enraged man. "I want to sue him for a million dollars!" "All right, all right," said the attorney, as he opened up his note pad. “Why do you want to sue him?" "Well, here’s the skinny. Every morning like clockwork, my neighbor picks up a rock from his property and throws it over the fence onto my property." "I see," said the attorney, as he scribbled notes. "For how long has he been doing this?" The man had to think for a moment. "Oh, it must be going on eighteen years now." "Wait a minute," said the lawyer. “I'm a little confused here. If this has been going on for eighteen years, why haven't you complained before?" "Because those rocks my neighbor keeps throwing onto my property are actually high-grade gold ore. Whatever he throws onto my property, I sell at the assay office. I pocket about $300 a week, every week." "Okay, now I'm really confused. If your neighbor has been throwing gold onto your property all these years, why are you complaining now?" "Are you kidding me?" said the man, as
he took off his cap to reveal a lump on his head. "Today's the first
day he ever hit me with one!"
For the younger set: Kenny: Say, Tommy. Have I ever introduced you to my parents? Tommy: Well, now that you mention it - no. Kenny (extending his right hand): Well
then, meet my… paw.
All-Time Classic: "My great-great grandfather was a stagecoach driver,” said George. “But his stagecoach had no wheels.” George's friend, Bill, could not believe what he had just heard. “His stagecoach had no wheels? Then what held it up?” “The outlaws.”
For the week beginning May 19, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#135
The theme of this edition of Flash's Joke
of the Week is one of my favorite fictional characters - "The Lone Ranger".
Joke of the Week: While the Lone Ranger and Tonto were eating lunch at a hotel restaurant, a man came in through the swinging doors and asked, “Who owns that silver stallion out front?” “I do,” said the Ranger. “What about him?” “Well, I just thought that you should know,” said the man. “Your horse has collapsed.” Instantly, the Lone Ranger and Tonto rose from their chairs and ran out to the front of the hotel where their horses were tied. Tonto’s horse, Scout, seemed to be all right. But the Ranger’s horse, Silver, was lying on the ground. The Ranger examined his horse and ascertained quickly what was wrong. Silver had collapsed from the heat. “What we do, Kemo Sabe?” asked Tonto. The Ranger thought for a moment. Then, a light bulb clicked on in his head. “Tonto, I have an idea. I want you to run around Silver in a circle.” “Run around Silver in circle?” asked a bewildered Tonto. “Yes. Run around Silver in a circle as fast as you can. Try to work up a breeze to dissipate the heat. And while you’re doing that, I’ll go back into the hotel and get some cold water.” Tonto began running around Silver, and the Ranger went back into the hotel. A few minutes later, the Ranger - now bearing two buckets of cold water - was on his way back outside when a man came in through the swinging doors and asked, “Who owns that silver stallion out front?” “I do,” said the Ranger. “What about him?” “Well, I just thought that you should know,”
said the man. “You left your Injun running.”
For the younger set: Question: Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash? Answer: To-da-dump, to-da-dump, to-da-dump-dump-dump.
All-Time Classic: The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves surrounded by five thousand war-painted Apaches. "Tonto," said the Ranger. "I think we're in big trouble." To which Tonto said, "What you mean
we're
in big trouble... paleface?"
For the week beginning May 12, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#134
Joke of the Week: A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “I regret
to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are
now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody
knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”
For the younger set:
Some mathematical calculations.
Adapted from Jimmy Hatlo's "Little Iodine". Math Teacher: Jerry, can you tell me how music and mathematics are related? Jerry: Well, my parents pay my piano
teacher ten dollars an hour, so that’s one dollar every six minutes.
Question: How do you divide sixteen apples among seventeen people? Answer: You make applesauce.
Adapted from Rocky and Bullwinkle: Question: Why does Jack (of Jack-be-nimble fame) earn $220.00 every time he jumps over a candlestick? Answer: The minimum wage is $5.50
an hour. Consequently, he gets $220.00 a wick.
All-Time Classic: Just an observation: How come you never see a newspaper headline
that reads, “PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY”?
For the week beginning May 5, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#133
As we are now in the month of May, this
week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will feature colorful humor.
Joke of the Week:
A couple of color-themed elephant joke
classics:
Question: Why did the elephant wear his blue suit to the wrestling matches? Answer: His brown suit was at the
cleaners.
Harry: Why do elephants wear red tennis shoes? Danny: I don’t know. Why? Harry: So they can hide in cherry trees. Danny: That joke was stupid. Harry: What do you mean stupid? Haven’t you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Danny: No, I’ve never seen an elephant in a cherry tree. Harry: Just goes to show you how
well they hide, doesn’t it?
For the younger set:
A couple of color classics:
Art Teacher: Patrick, what colors would you paint the Sun and the wind? Patrick: I’d paint the Sun rose -
and the wind blue.
Question: When is a blue book not a blue book? Answer: When it is read.
All-Time Classic:
A couple of colored sock classics:
Frank: Well, I must say, Bob. Your socks certainly are colorful. One sock is orange with blue polka dots. The other is red, black, and yellow plaid. Bob: And that’s not all. I
have another pair at home just like it.
Chip: Hey, Dad. What should I wear with my green and purple socks? Dad: Hip boots!
For the week beginning April 28, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#132
Joke of the Week: The knights were returning to the castle after having been away for three years fighting the king’s enemies. As the knights approached the drawbridge, the king could see that their armor was dented in a dozen places, the tips of their lances were splintered, and their horses were on the verge of collapse. In these and other ways, they looked to have endured great hardship in service to the kingdom. The knights dismounted in the outer court, where they were received by the king. "Welcome home, gallant knights," said the king. "And what news do you bear from the fronts of battle?" "The news we bear is good, sire," replied the senior knight. "After many hard-fought engagements, we finally have conquered your enemies to the west.” “To the west?" said the astonished king. "I sent you to conquer my enemies to the east. I have no enemies to the west.” “Oh? Well... I... guess you'd better
figure that you do now, sire.”
For the younger set: Bert was walking down the street when he saw Charlie, one of his friends. Water was dripping from Charlie’s suit. “How come your suit is wet?” asked Bert. “I'm just following the instructions," said Charlie. "What instructions?" "There was a tag on the suit that read
‘Wash and Wear’.”
All-Time Classic: An American Indian made the following observation: "White Man crazy. "Brew tea in boiling water to make hot. Then pour over ice to make cold. "Put in lemon to make sour. Then put in sugar to make sweet. "Lift glass and say, 'Here’s to you.' Then
drink it himself."
For the week beginning April 21, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#131
Joke of the Week: To make a long story short, a Longhorn, a Baylor Bear, and an Aggie got caught up in a revolution while visiting a foreign nation. When all was said and done, all three were falsely convicted of complicity with the rebels and sentenced to die in the electric chair. The Longhorn was the first to be strapped into the “hot seat”. “Wait a minute,” said the Longhorn, in a last-minute plea for his life. “I’m a graduate of the University of Texas School of Medicine and I’m a licensed physician. If you let me live, I’ll spend the rest of my life giving free medical care to the villagers.” “I'm sorry,” said the executioner. “But we must do our duty and carry out the order of the court.” The switch was thrown and… nothing happened. Under the laws of this foreign nation, if an execution attempt fails, it is presumed to be the consequence of divine intervention. In other words, that God has interceded to grant a pardon to the condemned. So, the Longhorn went free. The Baylor Bear was the next to be strapped into “the chair”. “Wait a minute,” said the Baylor Bear. “I’m a graduate of the Baylor University College of Dentistry and I’m a licensed dentist. If you let me live, I’ll spend the rest of my life giving free dental care to the villagers.” “I'm sorry,” said the executioner. “But we must do our duty and carry out the order of the court.” Again, the switch was thrown and… nothing happened. As did the Longhorn before him, the Baylor Bear also went free. The Aggie was the last to be strapped into “ol’ sparky”. “Wait a minute,” said the Aggie. “I’m a graduate of Texas A&M's Dwight Look College of Engineering, and I’m a licensed electrical contractor…” “Don’t tell me,” interrupted the executioner. “You’re about to offer to spend the rest of your life wiring the entire village for free, right?” “No. What I was going to say was,
if you were to hook that red wire to that thing there, and that white wire
to that thing there…”
For the younger set:
A couple of rabbit classics:
Louis: Let me ask you this: Are carrots good for your eyes? Ralph: Let me ask you this:
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why is a rabbit’s nose always shiny? Because somebody goofed up and put the
powder puff on the wrong end.
All-Time Classic: A classic updated to reflect the events of 9/11: The American ambassador to Kuwait was conferring with a member of the Kuwaiti royal family on a matter of great urgency. “I’ll come straight to the point, your highness,” said the American ambassador. “The United States has learned that the Kuwaiti government is among those sending monetary stipends to Palestinian families, including the families of those who commit suicide – or, to be more accurate, homicide – bombings. These homicide bombers are killing innocent people, and accomplishing nothing save to exacerbate the already tense Palestinian-Israeli situation. And if this technique becomes a lucrative means of political terrorism, homicide bombings may spread beyond the Middle East to Europe, Asia, and yes, the Americas. Simply put, it is in everyone’s best interest that all monetary compensations for homicide bombings cease.” “We understand your concerns,” said the Kuwaiti leader. “At the same time, we feel that it is important for us to show solidarity with our brother Muslims.” Upon hearing those words, the American ambassador became completely exasperated. "Your highness, may I remind you that it was only twelve years ago that one of your ‘brother Muslims’ by the name of Saddam Hussein dispatched his army to take over Kuwait? The royal family forced into exile, your nation’s wealth looted, your people subjugated and brutalized under that dictator.” “You do not have to remind me. We remember what happened.” “Good. Do you remember also that it was the United States that organized and led the military coalition that drove the Iraqis out of Kuwait? And that had we not done so, your nation would still be Iraq’s 19th Province?” “We remember that as well.” “Do know remember as well that the allied coalition suffered 888 casualties, dead and wounded, to make it possible for your people to re-take their nation? And that American service personnel were among the killed?” “We remember all of it. The question
is, what have you done for us lately?”
For the week beginning April 14, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#130
A man was out in front of his home doing some yardwork. Just as he began trimming his hedge, he saw his next-door neighbor (who happened to be a blonde) come out of her house. She seemed to be in good spirits, with a smile of anticipation on her face. She went straight to her mailbox, opened it up, and looked inside. Instantly, her smile became a frown. Angrily, she slammed the lid closed, then stormed back into her house. An hour later, while the man was mowing his lawn, he saw the blonde come out of her house again. Again, she had a big, bright smile on her face. Again, she went straight to her mailbox, opened it up, and looked inside. Again, the smile disappeared from her face. Again, she slammed the lid closed, then stormed back into her house. Another hour later, while the man was raking up the grass clippings, he saw the blonde come out of her house for the third time. No smile on her face now. But as before, she went straight to her mailbox, opened it up, looked inside, and slammed the lid closed. Unable any longer to contain his curiosity, the man called out to the woman, “Tiffany, is there something wrong?” “There certainly is something wrong,” replied
the blonde. "Every time I come out here, there’s nothing in the mailbox.
But that stupid computer keeps telling me that I have mail!”
For the younger set: The king has poured water into only two of the three glasses placed before him. What is the king's name? Do not look at the answer just yet. Give it some thought, and the solution may come to you. Okay, now you can look. The king's name is... Phillip the Third. Fill-up. Get it?
All-Time Classic: A moron went to the emergency room. Both of his ears were badly burned. "How did your ears get burned?” asked the doctor. “Well, it was like this," said the moron. "I was ironing my shirts when the phone rang. By mistake, I picked up the iron and put it to my right ear.” “I see. Well, that accounts for your right ear. But how did your left ear get burned?” “Well, the phone receiver was still on
the hook. So when it rang a second time, I put the iron to my left
ear.”
For the week beginning April 7, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#129
With the war against terrorism still ongoing,
this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist humor.
Joke of the Week: A Flash Kellam original! Custom-fitted waist belt - $59 Triggering device - $110 Explosives sufficient to kill the bearer and twenty-five other people - $277 Convincing a fanatical dupe to go out and
blow himself up while you stay behind where it is safe – priceless!
For the younger set: A classic updated to reflect the events of 9/11: Two PLO terrorists, Ali and Ahkmed, were en route to Jerusalem to plant a bomb. Ali was in the driver's seat. At one point, Ali asked Ahkmed, “Where is bomb? I thought you were going to hold it.” “I was. But I decided to hide bomb in case we ran into any checkpoints.” “I see. That was smart thing to do." "Thank you." "So… where did you hide bomb?” “I hid it underneath your seat.” Ali became livid with rage. “You infidel! What if bomb goes off prematurely?!“ “No problem. I have another bomb
in trunk.”
All-Time Classic: Another classic updated to reflect the events of 9/11: The following joke is set during the 2001 war in Afghanistan. A squadron of American infantrymen was exchanging gunfire with a gang of Al-Qaeda terrorists. At one point, an American soldier threw a bayonet into the terrorists' nest. In a valiant act of selflessness, one of
the Al-Qaeda threw himself on the bayonet to save his comrades.
For the week beginning March 31, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#128
In honor of April Fools' Day (April 1),
this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features three pranks.
Joke of the Week: A record prank: If you have a stereo set with a record turntable and a dual cassette deck, you can take advantage of the different recording mediums to play a prank on a friend. By the way, this gag is what comedian George Carlin would call a "mental hotfoot". First, you will need a "broken record": An old 45 or LP vinyl disc with damage at one point in the groove; damage that causes the phonograph needle to skip back to an earlier point in the song, after which it encounters the damaged section again, which causes the needle to skip back again, ad infinitum. Put the broken record on your turntable, and use your dual cassette deck to record the song onto a blank tape cassette. When the song reaches the point where the groove is damaged, let the needle skip back exactly five times - no more, no less. Then, move the needle past the point of damage so that the song can play to its conclusion. Next, take the tape to a friend’s house and tell him that you have found a great new song to play on his cassette player. Then, sit back and watch the fun! The song will play normally until the tape reaches the broken record portion, whereupon the song will skip back - and skip back - and skip back. Your friend will sit there dumbfounded, trying to figure out how on Earth a cassette tape could possibly be exhibiting the manifestations of a broken record. Meanwhile, you wait calmly until the tape reaches the fifth skip back. Then, step forward quickly and give the cassette player a soft rap. By the time you complete this action, the tape will have moved beyond the broken record portion, and the song will play to its conclusion. It will appear to your friend as though the rap you gave to his cassette player caused the song to stop skipping back. You alone will know that the tape simply had reached the fifth and final skip back! Though it will be difficult, do your best to refrain from laughing. After the song is over, your friend doubtless will demand an explanation. Instead, grab the evidence - the tape cassette - and put it in your pocket. Then tell your friend that you will be happy to tell him all about it - tomorrow. Hee, hee, hee.
For the younger set: The classic gag that I am about to describe was a favorite of the late Allan Funt of “Candid Camera” fame. The only downside to this gag is that you will have to expend a bit of money to buy the necessary props (as you will come to understand, homemade props will not work, as they would not be taken seriously). On the upside, if luck is with you, you will end up getting a lot of yuks for your bucks. First, go to a hardware store and purchase two signs - one that reads “MEN” and the other that reads “WOMEN”. You know, the kind that you see on the doors of adjacent public rest rooms. Next, go to a public place, such as a shopping mall. Be sure to bring along a number of your friends (not only can they share in the laughs, they also can provide cover). Then, when no one is looking, affix the signs - quickly but neatly - to two adjacent public... pay telephones. After that, get some lunch from the food court and sit where you can spend an hour or two watching the fun. Initially, the passersby will be dumbfounded when they see signs on the pay phones designating each for use by only one sex. But they will accept the labeling as legitimate because the signs look legitimate (you see now why it is necessary to buy commercially produced signs). You will learn a lot about human nature with this gag. For instance, no matter how desperately a man may need to make a phone call, I guarantee that he will prefer to fidget in the men’s line rather than be caught dead using the women’s telephone. Hee, hee, hee. Warning: In due course, a couple
of mall management types will come along and take down the signs.
That is your cue to go home, because their next order of business will
be to review the security videotapes.
All-Time Classic: To be recorded lest it be forgotten: The following classic comes from the days when the telegraph was the principal means of long distance communication. For those of you who are not familiar with the system, this is how it worked: Smith, in Seattle, wishes to send a message to Jones, in Dallas. Smith goes to the telegraph office in Seattle and writes down his message on a form provided by the telegraph company. The telegraph operator in Seattle then sends the message (called a “wire”) over the telegraph lines by means of Morse code to the telegraph office in Dallas. The telegraph operator in Dallas transcribes the wire onto a printed form called a telegram. A messenger then delivers the telegram to Jones at the address specified by Smith. Additional notes: Morse code has its limitations. For one thing, Morse code does not provide for lower case letters, so telegrams were transcribed entirely in upper case letters. In addition, Morse code does not provide for punctuation marks, so periods were indicated by the word "STOP”. Naturally, it was only a matter of time
before somebody came up with this diabolically fiendish telegram:
TO JONES
MESSAGE DISREGARD PREVIOUS WIRE STOP SIGNED SMITH
But the thing of it was – there was no previous wire! The above message was the first (and only) one sent. This leaves poor Jones wondering what became of the non-existent previous wire. And wondering also what it was that he was instructed to do - that he was now not to do! Hee, hee, hee.
For the week beginning March 24, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#127
Joke of the Week: A lawyer parked his $92,000 Lexus outside of the courthouse. But just as he started to get out of his car, a Ford pickup truck came along and snapped the driver’s side door clean off at the hinges. Rather than stop, however, the driver of the pickup truck continued on his merry way. A policeman who happened to be across the street when the accident occurred (and who knew the attorney personally from previous courthouse encounters) ran quickly to the scene. “Don’t worry, Mr. Bentsen," said the officer to the lawyer. "I’ve already radioed the other party’s license plate number to dispatch. One of our patrol units will pick up that hit-and-run driver quickly enough.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said the attorney. “For all the good it will do. Even if you do catch the guy, he probably isn’t carrying nearly enough insurance to cover the repairs. And in any case, they’re never going to be able to restore my car to its original condition, no matter what repairs they make.” The officer could only shake his head disdainfully. “I swear, you lawyers are the biggest materialists I’ve ever known,” said the policeman. “You think so much about things that you don’t notice anything else going on around you.” “And what makes you say that?” “Well, for one thing, Mr. Bentsen. Obviously you haven’t noticed, but that hit-and-run driver took off more than just your car door. He took off also your left arm.” The attorney looked down. Sure enough, his left arm was gone clean up to the elbow. “Oh, no!” said the lawyer. “My $1,600
Rolex watch!”
For the younger set: A double classic: Lenny went up to Bobby and asked, “Bobby, if someone who eats vegetables is a vegetarian, is someone who eats humans a humanitarian?” “Lenny,” said Bobby, “that joke is two-thirds a pun.” “Meaning?” “P…U.”
All-Time Classic: A Longhorn, a Rice Owl, and an Aggie were driving through the desert when their car broke down. Despite their best efforts, they were unable to re-start their vehicle. There was nothing left to do but hoof it. “I’m going to bring along the water,” said the Longhorn. “That way, when we get thirsty, we’ll have something to drink.” “I’m going to bring along the food,” said the Rice Owl. “That way, when we get hungry, we’ll have something to eat.” “I’m going to bring along the car door,”
said the Aggie. "That way, when it gets hot, we can roll down the
window.”
For the week beginning March 17, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#126
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, this week’s
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will feature Irish humor.
Joke of the Week: Two Englishmen were sitting at a table in a London pub. At one point, one of the Englishmen remarked to the other, “It’s like I’ve always said, Peter. You show me an Irishman, and I’ll show you a coward.” A few seconds later, the speaker felt a tap on his shoulder. When the speaker turned around, he saw, standing behind him, a man of about six feet four inches in height and who looked to weigh around two hundred pounds. He had a full head of red hair and a full red beard. And he had removed his shirt, the better to display his powerful, bulging muscles. “Well,” said the shirtless man to the speaker, “I’m showin’ ye an Irishman.” “And I’m showing you a coward,” said the
speaker. “Bye.”
For the younger set: Question: What’s Irish and sits on the porch? Answer: Paddy O’Furniture.
All-Time Classic: The scene is a pub in Dublin, Ireland. Into the pub came a man. He was tall, but lanky. He had red hair and was sporting an old-fashioned handlebar moustache. He was wearing two-toned shoes, striped gray trousers, a loud green-and-white checkered jacket, and a straw hat with a feather. The loudly-dressed man went up to the bar. “Can I get you something to drink?” asked the bartender. “Well, sure’n ye can,” said the loudly-dressed man. “By the way, I’m drinkin’ scotch.” The bartender poured out a scotch, and the loudly-dressed man downed it quickly. “That’ll be $3.95,” said the bartender. “$3.95? Fer what?” asked the loudly-dressed man. “$3.95 for the drink.” “Oh, I don't owe anything fer the drink.” “What do you mean you don’t owe anything for the drink?” “We did not contract to do business. Yer exact words were, ‘Can I get you something to drink?’ and sure’n I’m not about to say no when someone offers to buy me a shot.” “Don’t hand me that. You know perfectly well what I meant. Now pay what you owe!” “Yer so right, I know perfectly well what ye meant. So I don’t owe ye a thing.” “You’re trying to stiff me on a drink.” “And yer tryin’ to change terms after the fact.” “Pay up!” said the bartender. “I refuses!” said the loudly-dressed man. The banter goes back and forth for several minutes. Finally, the bartender grows tired of arguing with the loudly-dressed man. He tells him to get out of the pub and never come back. The loudly-dressed man leaves.
The scene is the same pub ten minutes later. Into the pub comes a man. He is tall, but lanky. He has red hair and is sporting an old-fashioned handlebar moustache. He is wearing two-toned shoes, striped gray trousers, a loud green-and-white checkered jacket, and a straw hat with a feather. The loudly-dressed man goes up to the bar. “Hey, you!” says the bartender. “I told you that I didn’t want to see you in here again.” “Beggin’ yer pardon, sir,” says the loudly-dressed man. “Were ye talkin’ to me?” “Yes, I was talking to you. The last time you were in here, you stiffed me on a drink, so I told you to get out of this pub and never come back.” “Beggin’ yer pardon again, sir,” says the loudly-dressed man. “But I don’t have the slightest idea of what yer talkin’ about. I’ve never been in this pub before in me life.” “Oh, never been in this pub before in your life, eh?” says the bartender sarcastically. “In that case, you must have a double.” “Well, thank ye, I will. By the way,
I’m drinkin’ scotch.”
For the week beginning March 10, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#125
Joke of the Week: Five surgeons were having a debate on the subject of which type of patient was the easiest on whom to perform an operation. “A librarian,” said the first surgeon. “Everything inside is arranged by subject.” “A mathematician,” said the second surgeon. “Everything inside is numbered.” “A secretary,” said the third surgeon. “Everything inside is alphabetized.” “An electrician,” said the fourth surgeon. “Everything inside is color-coded.” “A politician,” said the fifth surgeon.
“No spine. No guts. No heart. And definitely no brain.”
For the younger set: Gabe Kaplan told this joke on an episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter". At a tough Brooklyn middle school, a teacher asked one of her students, “Robert, who signed the Declaration of Independence?” Assuming an arrogant posture and a surly attitude, the student replied, “Heeeyyy, teach. I dunno. All I know is, I didn’t sign it.” Needless to say, the boy is sent to the principal’s office, along with a note from his teacher. After reading the teacher’s account of what had transpired, the principal deemed it necessary to call the boy’s father on the telephone and ask him to come in for a conference. Within the hour, father and son were sitting beside each other in the principal’s office. “Now then, Mr. Smith,” began the principal. “The reason that I asked you to come in for a conference is because of the way that your son responded to a question posed to him by one of his teachers. Robert, when your teacher asked you to tell her who signed the Declaration of Independence, what did you say to her?” Assuming an arrogant posture and a surly attitude, the student replied, “I said, ‘Heeeyyy, teach. I dunno. All I know is, I didn’t sign it’.” “Well, there you have it, Mr. Smith,” said the principal. “As the boy's father, what do you have to say to that?” Assuming an arrogant posture and a surly
attitude, the student’s father replied, “Heeeyyy, prince. If my kid
says he didn’t sign the thing, then he didn’t sign it.”
All-Time Classic: A doctor was sitting in his office when through the door there came a man with a frog on the top of his head. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor. “Well,” said the frog. “It started
out as a wart on the bottom of my foot…”
For the week beginning March 3, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#124
Joke of the Week: Needing extra income, a blonde decided to offer her services as a handywoman. The blonde went to a large, two-story house in an upscale neighborhood to ask the homeowner if there were any odd jobs she could do for him. “Well, it just so happens that I was going to paint my porch,” said the homeowner. “But I’ll give you the job for the right price. Will fifty dollars be enough?” “Yes, sir. I’ll do the job for fifty dollars," replied the blonde. “Fine,” said the homeowner. “You’ll find the paint, some brushes, and some rollers in the garage. Just let me know when you’re finished.” “Yes, sir. I’ll get right to work.” The homeowner went back into his house and settled into his easy chair. A large skunk-eating grin crossed his face. “I've got good news, darling," said the homeowner to his wife. "I’m not going to have to paint that porch after all." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "What I mean is, I just hired some blonde to do it for me. The little ditz took the job for fifty dollars.” "Only fifty dollars?" said the man's wife. "Why, that doesn't seem like very much compared to the work..." All at once, the man's wife figured it out. “Randolph! Did you tell that woman that the porch extends all the way around the right side of the house to that big deck in the back?” “Well, now that you mention it… no. She didn’t ask how big the job was, and I didn’t volunteer any information. But, don’t worry. She’ll find out – heh, heh – soon enough.” The homeowner picked up the TV remote. But before switching on the television set, he took a moment to congratulate himself again on how cleverly he had arranged to get the job done on the cheap. Several hours later, the blonde appeared at a window on the left side of the house. “All finished, sir,” said the blonde. “Finished? Did you do the entire job already?” asked the incredulous homeowner. “Yes, sir. There was even enough paint left over for a second coat.” “Well, I must say, you certainly are a fast worker,” said the homeowner as he rose from his easy chair. “Oh, yes, sir. Nose to the grindstone, that’s me.” The homeowner passed a fifty-dollar bill to the blonde. “Thank you, sir,” said the blonde. “And let me give you this paper with my telephone number on it. Should you need any other odd jobs done, just give me a call. And please tell your friends about me.” The homeowner took the paper, and the blonde went on her way. For a few seconds, the homeowner just stood there, completely dumbfounded. It simply did not make any sense. How on Earth could she possibly have painted that entire porch so quickly? He decided that he had better go check on her work. He opened the front door and looked down… on nothing but bare wood. He stepped out onto the porch and looked around the right side of the house. That portion of the porch also was unpainted. And he had a hunch that the same was true of the deck in the back. “Hey!” called the homeowner to the blonde. “What kind of a scam are you running? You didn’t do any work.” “I most certainly did,” retorted the blonde
indignantly. “Oh, and by the way. For your information, that
car in your garage is a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
For the younger set: A pre-med student was called to the office of the dean of the college of medicine. “Why do you want to be a doctor?” asked the dean. “My father is a doctor,” said the pre-med student. “I want to follow in his footsteps and become a bone specialist, just like him.” “Really? Well, if the results of
your pre-med final exam are any indication, I can definitely say that you
have the head for it.”
All-Time Classic: One moron called another moron on the telephone. “Is this five-five-five-one-three-one-three?” asked the first moron. “No, this is five-five-five-thirteen-thirteen,” said the second moron. “Oh. Then I’m sorry to have bothered you,” said the first moron. “No problem,” said the second moron.
“I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
For the week beginning February 24, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#123
With Texas Independence Day coming up on
March 2, this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will feature Texas
humor.
Joke of the Week:
Note: This joke harkens back to the
days before sonogram technology made it possible to examine the unborn
child while it still was in the womb. Way back when, the sex of the
child or (in the case of multiple births) even the number of children being
born could never be known until the moment of birth.
Three men were sitting in the waiting room outside of the maternity ward while their wives were inside giving birth. At eleven o’clock in the morning, a nurse entered the waiting room and said, “Mr. Smith? Congratulations. You are the proud father of identical twin girls.” “Well, isn’t that a coincidence," said Mr. Smith. "My father works for the Minnesota Twins baseball club. Oh, man, wait until I tell him about this.” A few seconds later, a second nurse came into the waiting room and said, “Mr. Jones? Congratulations. You are the proud father of triplets. All boys.” “Well, isn’t that a coincidence," said Mr. Jones. "My father works for the 3M Corporation. Oh, man, wait until I tell him about this.” Suddenly, the other man in the waiting room fainted. “Oh, dear,” said one of the nurses. “What’s the matter with your friend?” “Oh, it’s probably on account of his father works for an amusement park," said Smith. “Which amusement park?” asked the other nurse. “Six Flags Over Texas."
For the younger set: An Aggie classic: Did you hear that they had to close down the Texas A&M library on Monday? Somebody stole the book. Did you hear that they were able to re-open the Texas A&M library on Tuesday? Whoever stole the book returned it. Did you hear that they had to close down the Texas A&M library again on Wednesday? Whoever stole the book and returned it
had colored all of the pictures.
All-Time Classic:
Note: Regional dialects make the
English language more colorful. But sometimes, misunderstandings
can result.
A Texan asked President George W. Bush, “Where’d y’all go to college?” In response, President Bush said, “Yale.” “WHERE’D Y’ALL GO TO COLLEGE?” shouted
the Texan.
For the week beginning February 17, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#122
Joke of the Week: A brunette drove her brand new sports car to the home of her best friend (who happened to be a blonde). The brunette pulled over to the curb amd honked her horn. Seconds later, the blonde came out of her house and hopped into the passenger seat. Within minutes, the two of them were southbound on the highway. The brunette wanted to test her new vehicle, so she revved up the engine all the way. Within seconds, the sports car was flying down the highway at 90 MPH. The girls were laughing and shrieking and having a great old time. The brunette thought of the two of them as being another Thelma and Louise. However, the brunette was brought quickly back to reality when she glanced into her left side view mirror – wherein she saw the reflected image of a state trooper car. “Tiffany, do me a favor,” said the nervous brunette, whose eyes were now riveted straight ahead of her. “Look behind and see if that state trooper is still following us.” Tiffany looked over her left shoulder. “He’s still following us, all right,” said the blonde. The brunette became even more nervous. “Tiffany, look behind again and tell me if he's turned on his rooftop flashers.” Tiffany looked over her left shoulder again. “No,” said the blonde. The brunette let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, wait a minute,” said the blonde.
“Yes… no… yes… no… yes… no...”
For the younger set: A school classic: A first grader came home from school completely disgusted. She announced to her mother that she was never going back to school, not ever again. “Why don’t you want to go back to school?” asked her mother. “What’s the point?” said the girl. “I can’t
read. I can’t write. I can’t count. And the teacher won’t
let me talk.”
All-Time Classic: The first time I saw this classic situation was in an "Ensign O'Toole" comic book. Gomer Purvis, a senior in the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets, had a voracious appetite for candied yams. In fact, so much did he love candied yams, he once ate ninety-two at one sitting! In due course, two other Aggies learned that a member of the University of Texas ROTC also had an appetite for candied yams - but he had never eaten more than seventy-three at one sitting. Instantly, dollar signs flashed in their eyes. All they had to do was challenge the Longhorns to a yam-eating contest. With Gomer on their side, they were a cinch to win. Between the prize money and the side bets, they were guaranteed to pocket a small fortune. The challenge was issued and accepted. The Saturday following, the Texas A&M gymnasium was filled to capacity. Spectators cheered as the contestants approached the dining table that had been set up in the middle of the exercise floor. After shaking hands, the two competitors took their seats on opposite sides of the table - and prepared themselves to eat yams. The judges set on the table dozens of serving bowls, each filled with ten yams, each bowlful carefully measured so as to be equal by total weight. The starting gun was fired, and the competition was underway. Yams disappeared down the maws of the two contestants while the crowd went wild. When the Longhorn finally gave up, he had eaten only seventy-one yams, not even matching his personal best. As for Gomer, he did not stop until he had eaten - fifty-eight yams. Texas A&M had thus been beaten in a competition they had in the bag. They lost the prize money and - even worse - had to forfeit the bragging rights. And the two Aggies who had organized the event had to pay off their side bets, leaving them flat broke. Later that evening, the two event organizers confronted Gomer, who was sitting on the steps outside of the gymnasium, his head bowed, completely inconsolable. “Gomer, how could you let everyone down like this?” said one of the unsympathetic event organizers. “You should have won that contest hands down. Instead - thanks to you - UT now has the bragging rights, as well as the prize money. And you managed to put the two of us in the poorhouse in the bargain. You have disgraced every Aggie who has ever attended Texas A&M, yourself included.” “Come on, guys” said the despondent Gomer.
“Don’t say things like that. I’m an Aggie and proud of it.
I wanted to win more than you will ever know. And believe me, I did
everything I could think to do to beat that Longhorn. Heck, an hour
before the event, I even went to the mess hall to get in some last-minute
practice.”
For the week beginning February 10, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#121
Joke of the Week: A man was arrested and put on trial for stealing a Porsche. In court, his lawyer defended him brilliantly. He pointed out to the jury that the police had not recovered the heisted Porsche, nor had the district attorney established any clear connection between the stolen vehicle and the accused. On that basis, the jury returned a verdict of not guilty. The next day, the former defendant - now a free man - went to the judge who presided over his case to ask that a warrant be issued for the arrest of his attorney. “Why on Earth would you want your lawyer arrested?” asked the astounded judge. “He got you off on that auto theft charge, didn’t he?” “Which happens to be the point, your honor,”
said the man. “When I told him I couldn’t pay his fee, that no good
shyster took the car I stole.”
For the younger set:
With the Winter Olympics now in progress
in Salt Lake City, this is a most appropriate time to relate this series
of nationality riddles.
What country is always cold? Chile.
What country is always starving? Hungary.
What country is good to eat? Turkey.
On what country should you put Turkey? China.
Where were the first French fries made? In Greece.
Finally, in what language should this last riddle in the series be written? Finnish.
All-Time Classic: The first time I saw this classic situation was in a "Mutt and Jeff" comic strip. An office manager was up to his eyeballs in work; otherwise, he would have handled himself the task he gave to his secretary: To look in the phone book for the telephone number of a party by the name of Zacharias Z. Zilch. Three hours later, the secretary (who, by the way, happened to be a blonde) had yet to get back to her boss with the information. So he contacted her via the intercom. “Jenny,” said the office manager. “I’m still waiting on that number for Zacharias Z. Zilch.” “I’m looking it up as fast as I can, sir,"
said the secretary. "I’m midway through the 'F's now.”
For the week beginning February 3, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#120
Joke of the Week: A man decided to spend his vacation on a remote tropical island. Upon arrival, he went directly to the resort, checked into his room, then went out to have some fun. And what fun he had! He swam in the clear blue waters, went on sightseeing tours of the island’s natural wonders, attended parties and luaus, ate all kinds of delicious exotic foods, and laid back on the shores of the lagoon to soak up some rays (and watch the native girls walk by in their grass skirts and bikini tops). In short, he was having the time of his life. But the man's otherwise perfect vacation was being marred by one thing: The native drumbeats. It was not that the drumbeats were bad in and of themselves; but they went on all day long and all night long, never letting up for a single second. It was as though the natives were working in shifts to keep the noise going. In due course, the constant din took its toll. After being kept awake for the third straight night, the vacationer was a total wreck. The man spoke to the night clerk at the resort’s check-in desk. “What is it with those drumbeats?” asked the vacationer. “They haven’t stopped since I got here. Must the natives beat on their drums continuously?” “To answer your question, sir… yes. You see, the natives believe that were they to let up, even for an instant, the gods would look upon their dereliction with disfavor. And then, calamity would befall.” “What sort of calamity? Do the natives believe that the island would be struck by a tidal wave?” “Worse.” “That the island’s volcano would erupt?” “Worse.” “That the island would sink into the sea?” “Worse.” “Good Lord! What could possibly be worse than that?” “This is what could be worse than that.
The cessation of the drumbeats is the cue for the accordionist to begin
his solo.”
For the younger set:
A few animal classics:
What do you call a dog that keeps time? A watchdog.
What do you call a sleeping male bovine? A bulldozer.
What do you call a bird caught in a lawnmower? Shredded tweet.
All-Time Classic: February 6, 2002 will be the 91st birthday of former President Ronald Reagan. Which means that it is time for another re-telling of this classic combination joke and grammar lesson. First, some setup: President Reagan’s
favorite form of exercise was chopping firewood.
Two Republican Party supporters were talking - bragging, really - about all of the famous Republican officeholders they knew. "I have a framed photograph of President Reagan chopping wood in my office,” said one G.O.P. backer. "Really?" asked the other. "Really. He started with my desk,
moved on to the chairs, took out the paneling..."
It would have been less ambiguous to say, "I have in my office a framed photograph of President Reagan chopping wood." And that is your grammar lesson for today. Happy Birthday, Mr. President.
For the week beginning January 27, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#119
Joke of the Week: A New York City businessman parked his car too close to a hydrant, and the vehicle was impounded by the police. The businessman showed up thirty days later to reclaim his auto. He paid the $100 fine for parking too close to a hydrant plus $60 extra in impound fees. Two months later, the same businessman’s car once again was impounded by the police for parking too close to a hydrant. Once again, the businessman showed up thirty days later to reclaim his auto. Once again, he paid the $100 fine for parking too close to a hydrant plus $60 extra in impound fees. Two months after that, the same businessman’s car was impounded by the police for a third time for parking too close to a hydrant. For the third time, the businessman showed up thirty days later to reclaim his auto. For the third time, he paid the $100 fine for parking too close to a hydrant plus $60 extra in impound fees. The businessman’s young intern, who had been witness to all three of the above incidents, could not understand his boss’ actions. “Sir, would you explain something to me?” asked the intern of his superior. “Certainly. What do you want to know?” ”Well, maybe it’s not my place to ask, but my curiosity has gotten the better of me. Sir, this makes three times now that you’ve parked your car too close to a hydrant, and three times now that you’ve had to pay $160 to get back your car. Have you not – for lack of a better term – learned your lesson by now?” The businessman smiled. “All right. I’ll satisfy your curiosity. As you know, my job requires me to go out of town on the first day of every quarter, and spend a month flying around the nation checking on our subsidiaries.” “Well, yes sir. But what does that have to do with it?” “It has everything to do with it.
Do you know of any other place in New York City where you can park your
car for an entire month for $160 AND be guaranteed that it will be there
when you return?”
For the younger set: Times change. Here is proof. “Mary, what sound does a cat make?” asked a teacher of one of her pupils. “A cat says ‘meow’,” replied Mary. “Kevin, what sound does a cow make?” “A cow says ‘moo’,” replied Kevin. “Billy, what sound does a mouse make?” “A mouse says ‘click’.”
All-Time Classic: A blonde went to the doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor. “Well, simply put… I hurt everywhere I touch myself.” “What do you mean by that?” “Well, let me show you.” The blonde pressed her right index finger against her stomach. She winced in response. “You see, when I touched myself in the stomach, I felt a pain. Let me show you again.” The blonde pressed her right index finger against her head. Again, she winced in response. “You see, when I touched myself in the head, I felt another pain. Let me show you one more time.” The blonde pressed her right index finger against her left hand. Another wince. “So like I said, I hurt everywhere I touch myself. What do you think is causing it?” asked the blonde. The doctor thought for a moment. Then - from out of the blue - he said, “You’re a natural blonde, aren’t you?” “Well, yes, that’s right. But how did you know?” "Because it all makes sense now.
Your right index finger is broken."
For the week beginning January 20, 2002
Flash's Joke Set
#118
Joke of the Week: A motorcycle cop pulled over a sedan, intending only to give the driver a warning on a minor traffic violation. But when the officer looked into the back seat, what he saw made him wonder if something more sinister were not afoot. “What’s with all that stuff on the back seat?” asked the officer of the motorist. “You've got benzene… lighter fluid… lamp wicks. Are you some kind of an arsonist or a pyromaniac?” “Certainly not,” replied the indignant motorist. “I happen to be a professional stage entertainer. As part of my act, I juggle three flaming torches. Those items in the back are simply the tools of my trade.” "Oh, yeah?" said the unconvinced officer. "Well, if that's so... then let me see you do it right here and now.” With that, the motorist got out of his car and prepared his equipment. After setting three torches afire, the professional showman – as he had done thousands of times in the past – went through his standard stage routine, juggling the blazing firebrands with flawless perfection. Right in the middle of his performance, another motorist passed by the scene. “Holy jumping Hannah,” said the passing
motorist. “This county sure has some tough sobriety tests.”
For the younger set: A man was relaxing at home when there came a knock on the front door. When he opened the door, there standing before him was a boy of about eight years of age. The man did not know the boy personally, but had seen him around the neighborhood. "What can I do for you, young man?" said the homeowner. "Good afternoon, sir. My name is Bobby Lassiter, and I am selling magic weather rocks." "Magic weather rocks?" responded the homeowner. "That is correct, sir. For a mere five dollars, you never again will have to start the day without knowing what the weather is. My magic weather rocks will tell the weather with 100% accuracy - or you get a 100% refund." The homeowner, if not fully convinced, was at least intrigued. "All right," said the man. "Let me see one of your 'magic weather rocks'." With that, the eight year-old entrepreneur opened up his case and handed the homeowner a sample of his product. The man glared. “Young man, this so-called ‘magic weather rock’ of yours is nothing but an ordinary rock suspended from a piece of ordinary string. How on Earth can this rig possibly tell the weather?” “Easily, sir,” the young businessman assured him. “With every purchase, you get a chart that tells you how to interpret the magic weather rock. Between that rock and this chart, you always will know what the weather is.” The man took the chart from the boy. It read as follows: If the magic weather rock is… Hot – High Temperature
All-Time Classic: A Longhorn drove up to an Aggie's house to pick him up for the car pool. When the Aggie came out of his house, something about the Aggie's feet caught the Longhorn's eye. "Look at you," said the Longhorn. "You're wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe." "Well, how do you like that? So I am," said the astonished Aggie, as he glanced down at his own feet. "Go change your shoes. And hurry up, or we'll be late for work." "I'll be right back," said the Aggie. A few minutes later, the Aggie came out of his house for the second time. Again, the Longhorn looked down at the Aggie's feet. "You're still wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe." "I can’t help it," said the Aggie. "This
is the only other pair of shoes I own."
For the week beginning January 13, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#117
Joke of the Week: A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were having drinks at a bar. From out of the blue, the bartender told them something amazing. “In the ladies’ room, you will find a magic mirror. If you tell the magic mirror something that you know to be the truth – or just believe sincerely – you will be given rewards. However, if you tell the magic mirror something that you know darn well is a flat-out lie, you will be drawn into the mirror and never heard from again.” The redhead entered the bathroom, and stood before the magic mirror. “Magic mirror, I think,” began the redhead, “that I am the most beautiful woman in this bar.” Immediately, a diamond necklace materialized before her. The brunette entered the bathroom, and stood before the magic mirror. “Magic mirror, I think,” began the brunette, “that I am the smartest woman in this bar.” Immediately, the keys and pink slip for a brand-new Porsche materialized before her. The blonde entered the bathroom, and stood before the magic mirror. “Magic mirror, I think,” began the blonde. Immediately, she was drawn into the mirror
and never heard from again.
For the younger set: A chemistry teacher poured some acid into a beaker, then added a small amount of a buffering compound. After mixing the chemicals thoroughly, he then held a silver dollar over the beaker. “All right, class. You just saw me combine a powerful acid with only a small amount of a buffering compound. Now, if I were to drop this silver dollar into the beaker, would the coin dissolve?” “No,” said Robert, one of the students, with supreme confidence. “And why won’t the coin dissolve?” asked the chemistry teacher, prodding his student to give the scientific explanation. “Because if the stuff in that beaker were
capable of dissolving the coin, you wouldn’t put it in there.”
All-Time Classic: A snooty rich woman entered a restaurant and asked of the Maitre 'D, "Excuse me. Do you serve crab here?" To which the Maitre 'D replied, "Lady,
we serve anybody. Have a seat."
For the week beginning January 6, 2002 Flash's Joke Set
#116
Here are some religious jokes to start
the New Year.
Joke of the Week: Some recently departed souls were ushered through the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter led the group into Heaven proper, they approached a certain door. St. Peter admonished the new arrivals to pass by the door on tiptoe and to maintain absolute quiet. After the group was well past the door, one of the new arrivals asked St. Peter why it was necessary to pass by that particular door in silence. “That’s the room where we keep the Southern
Baptists,” explained St. Peter. “They think they’re the only ones
up here.”
For the younger set: Sunday School daze. One fine Sunday, a boy was in attendance at Sunday School. The teacher asked him a question. “Can you tell me why it is important to be very quiet during church services?” “Sure,” said the boy. “Some of the
people in the pews might be sleeping.”
All-Time Classic: Question: Why did Adam and Eve have such a great marriage? Answer: Adam never had to hear Eve
talk about all the other men she could have married, and Eve never had
to listen to Adam compare her cooking to his mother’s.
For the week beginning December 30, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#115
Joke of the Week: A condemned murderer was brought to the death chamber. The warden asked the killer if he had any last requests. The murderer said, “Well, if I have to go, I’d like to hear my favorite song before I do.” “Well, I suppose that’s a reasonable enough request,” said the warden. “What is your favorite song?” “’Ninety-nine Million Bottles of Beer on
the Wall’.”
For the younger set: A boy came home from school hopping mad. He told his mother that his teacher had been mean to him. “In what way was your teacher mean to you?” asked his mother. “Well, this morning, she told me to sit in the front row for the present.” “And?” “And she never gave me the present!”
All-Time Classic: A newly-hired employee listened intently as his employer described the particulars of his salary. “Your position pays $600 a week to start. But in six months, it increases to $800 a week.” “Well, in that case,” said the employee,
“I’ll come back in six months.”
For the week beginning December 23, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#114
Some Christmas jokes for the season.
Joke of the Week:
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.
How does a Mexican sheep say “Merry Christmas”? Fleece Navidad.
Why were Santa’s helpers depressed? They were suffering from low elf esteem.
For the younger set: How does the Christmas alphabet differ from the regular alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has no L (Noel).
All-Time Classic: Why did Santa Claus plant three gardens? So that he could hoe-hoe-hoe.
For the week beginning December 16, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#113
Joke of the Week: A theater usher was walking down the aisle when he saw a man lying across three seats. “Sir,” said the usher. “You're not allowed to lie across three seats as you are doing. You’re taking two seats away from the other patrons. Please sit in one seat.” In response, the man simply groaned and rolled over. “Sir, if you don’t stop taking up three seats, I’ll have to call the manager.” The man groaned and rolled over again. The usher went the manager, and the both of them returned to the scene. The manager tried first to reason with the man. “Sir, you may not take up three seats. It's one seat to a patron.” Once again, the man simply groaned and rolled over. “Sir, you have to do either one of two things. Either sit in one seat or leave the theater. If you don’t do one or the other, I’ll have to call the police.” For the fourth time, the man groaned and rolled over. A policeman was summoned to the scene. The officer shook the man awake and said, “Metro P.D., sir. What’s your name?” “Harold Larsen.” “Okay. And where are you from, Harold Larsen?” “The balcony.”
For the younger set: Gym teacher: All right, for this next exercise, I want everyone to lie on his back, raise his legs, and move them as though you were pedaling a bicycle. Come on, everybody. Move those legs! Harrison, why aren't your legs moving? Harrison: I’m coasting.
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! Every Friday, a local Commissar would visit a Moscow factory after working hours and preside over a weekly meeting of the Communist Party. Ostensibly, such meetings were forums where ideas could be exchanged. In actuality, the meetings were nothing but the same old tired recitation of the same old tired propaganda. Nevertheless, all workers were required to attend the meetings and suffer through them. One particular Friday night, one worker chose not to attend the meeting of the Communist Party. He did not skip the meeting out of disloyalty, nor was he making any kind of protest. He simply was tired from a week of hard work. All that he wanted to do was to go straight home and to bed. Naturally, his absence from the meeting was noted. First thing Monday morning, that worker was called to the Commissar's office. "Why weren't you in attendance at the last meeting of the Communist Party?" the enraged Commissar demanded to know. "Oh, please forgive me, comrade," said the worker. "If somebody had told me it was going to be last meeting, I wouldn't have missed it for anything." (Note: The English word "last" can
mean either "final" or "most recent". By coincidence, the Russian
word for “last” has this same double meaning. Therefore, the joke
does not lose anything in translation.)
For the week beginning December 9, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#112
Joke of the Week: A man was riding on a commuter bus when it stopped to pick up an extremely obese woman. The woman sat down next to the man. After several more stops, the bus was filled to capacity. Four of the women passengers were standing in the aisle, all of the seats having been taken. “Excuse me,” said the obese woman to the man sitting next to her. “If you were a gentlemen, you’d stand up and let one of those women sit down.” “And if you were a lady,” countered the
man, “you’d stand up and let all four of them sit down.”
For the younger set: A second-grade teacher asked one of her students, “Benny, did either of your parents ever serve in the U.S. armed forces?” “Sure,” said Benny. “My father served in the Army when he was a baby.” “Nonsense. He could not possibly have served in the Army at that point in his life. He would have been naught but an infant.” “Yeah, that’s what he told me. He
said he served in the infant-tree (infantry).”
All-Time Classic: You would have to have been alive during the protest era of the late 1960s to early 1970s to understand this joke. Parents, you might have to explain it to your children. A Longhorn asked an Aggie, “What do you think of the Indianapolis 500?” To which the Aggie replied, “They’re all
innocent.”
For the week beginning December 2, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#111
Joke of the Week: A confidence man was about to take some money from a Texas Aggie. The con man invited the Aggie to sit down and put up his money on a game of chance. The con man laid a dollar bill on the table and challenged the Aggie to cover the wager. The Aggie pulled a bill out of his pocket and put it on top of the con man’s dollar. The con man then dealt two pairs of cards: Two kings and two queens. “All right, here’s the deal,” said the smooth-talking confidence man. “We’ve each put up a dollar, right?” “Right,” agreed the Aggie. “And I’ve now dealt two kings and two queens, right?” “Right,” agreed the Aggie again. “Okay then. Each of us will pick now the pair he wants.” “Hold it," said the Aggie. "You must think I’m completely stupid. Obviously, you're going to pick the pair of kings.” “Maybe I will. Or maybe I won't get the chance. You see... you get to pick first,” said the con man. ”Wait a minute," said the Aggie. “Did I hear you right? I get to pick first?” “That is correct.” “Okay, then. I’ll pick this pair,” said the Aggie, as he snatched the pair of kings. “And I’ll pick this pair,” said the con man, as he scooped up the pair of dollars. “Hold it,” said the Aggie. “What kind of a rip-off is this?” “No rip-off,” said the con man. “I said each of us could pick the pair he wants. And I did give you first choice.” “Give me my money back, you crook!” “No way, Jose. I won it according to the rules.” “Then, I want a re-match,” said the Aggie. “Put up your money,” said the con man. The Aggie laid a dollar on the table, and the con man laid a bill on top of the Aggie’s dollar. The con man then dealt two pairs of cards: Two kings and two queens. “Okay. We’ve each put up a dollar, right?” “Right,” agreed the Aggie. “And I’ve now dealt two kings and two queens, right?” “Right,” agreed the Aggie again. “As before. Each of us will pick now the pair he wants.” “Hold it,” said the Aggie. “You’re
not putting one over on me again. This time, you pick first.”
For the younger set: Mother: Bobby, where have you been? You’re four hours late getting home for dinner. Bobby: I couldn’t help it.
By the way, may I keep this turtle? It followed me home.
All-Time Classic: Another classic updated to reflect the events of September 11, 2001. During the war against terrorism in Afghanistan, a squad of Taliban fighters and a squad of Northern Alliance fighters found themselves exchanging rifle fire at close range. At one point, the Taliban fighters got smart. They threw a hand grenade at their adversaries. But then, the Northern Alliance fighters
got smarter. They pulled the pin on the hand grenade and threw it
back.
For the week beginning November 25, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#110
Joke of the Week: A man was becoming increasingly concerned about his wife's increasing forgetfulness. The problem was, whenever he broached the subject with his wife, she instantly became defensive. She simply refused to accept the fact that she was having trouble remembering things. In an effort to convince her that she really was becoming forgetful, the husband challenged his wife to a memory test. “What sort of memory test?” asked his wife. “Fix me a supper of baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and buttered peas. If you’re not having any trouble with your memory, then you won't have any trouble preparing the meal I just described.” “All right,” said the wife. “I’ll do it. Just to show you that there’s nothing wrong with my memory.” And off to the kitchen she went. Thirty minutes later, the wife came out of the kitchen bearing in her hands a plate of buttermilk waffles with crispy fried bacon on the side. “There, you see?” said her husband. “This proves that you’re having trouble with your memory.” “What are you talking about?” asked his wife. “I didn’t forget a thing.” “Oh, yeah?” countered her husband.
“Then where are my scrambled eggs?”
For the younger set: Adapted from Art Sampson's "Born Loser". A new kid on the block, a tough-looking sort, addressed a group of neighborhood children. "My name's Mike," said the new kid in gruff tones. "I just moved into this neighborhood, and - as I have done in every other neighborhood in which I have lived - I'm taking over. "For your information, I'm the toughest kid who has ever lived. I do two hundred push-ups every day. I bite the caps off of soda pop bottles with my teeth. I can - and I have - beat up kids twice my size. "So like I said, I'm taking over. From now on, what I say goes." The bully then picked up a stick, drew a line in the dirt, and said, "Now, if any of you have a problem with that, step over this line." Between his bigger size and even bigger voice, the new kid was confident that no one would dare to challenge him. But someone did! One boy stepped over the line and into the bully’s face. The new kid could not believe it. No one had ever done that before! And what made it all the more unbelievable to the bully was the fact that the challenger was a head shorter than he, and slight of build. What was going on? Did this kid know karate or something? The bully was not about to stick around to find out. "Well, uh, uh, I gotta go." The new kid turned tail and fled. "Yay!" said the neighborhood children. "Hooray for Wilberforce!" The hero of the hour then turned around
and said, "All right. Which one of you clowns pushed me from behind?"
All-Time Classic: Ed: Hey, Charlie, is that a real diamond in that ring? Charlie: Well, if it ain’t, I’ve
been gypped out of a buck seventy-five.
For the week beginning November 18 , 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#109
Joke of the Week: A psychiatrist decided to test three asylum inmates to find out if they were truly insane. “What is 8 times 6?” asked the psychiatrist of the first inmate. “739,” replied the first inmate. “What is 8 times 6?” asked the psychiatrist of the second inmate. “Monday,” replied the second inmate. “What is 8 times 6?” asked the psychiatrist of the third inmate. “48,” replied the third inmate. “Well, you certainly are not insane,” said the psychiatrist. “Tell me, how did you get the right answer?” “Nothing to it. I just divided 739
by Monday.”
For the younger set: Teacher: Leonard, if your mother gave you one dollar, and your father gave you one dollar, what would you have? Leonard: One dollar. Teacher: Leonard, you don’t know your arithmetic. Leonard: Teacher, you don’t know
my father.
All-Time Classic: Just an observation: How come... ...when the cowboys win, it's a victory. But... ...when the Indians win, it's a massacre?
For the week beginning November 11, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#108
In honor of this unusual Veteran’s Day,
Flash’s Joke of the Week herewith presents more terrorist humor.
Joke of the Week: Adapted from a “Miss Peach” comic strip, by Mel Lazarus. Prior to a protest rally in Karachi, Pakistan, the protest leader stood before his followers to brief them. “Listen up, all of you. When the western news cameras are ready, I will set fire to the American flag, after which we will begin our new chant. The new chant goes like this: ‘Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to America, Death to Israel.’ Any questions?” A protester raised his hand. “Yes?” said the protest leader, acknowledging the questioner. “What happens if we forget the words?”
For the younger set: Question: When the time comes to select the queen of the terrorists' prom, what does the choice usually come down to? Answer: One hump or two.
All-Time Classic: A Flash Kellam original! Sure to be a classic! Question: Why do extremist Muslims burn American flags? Answer: So that they can show the
rest of us the most advanced technological feat of which the Muslim world
is capable: The making of fire with matches.
For the week beginning November 4, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#107
Joke of the Week: During the Second World War, a British fighter plane was knocked out of the sky by German anti-aircraft fire. The pilot tried to bail out; but, because the canopy on his craft had jammed, he was forced to ride his plane down to a crash landing. When the aviator woke up in a P.O.W. hospital, he found that one of his legs was missing. The prison doctor told him that it had been necessary to amputate the limb because it had been mangled so badly in the crash. The doctor asked if there was anything he could do to provide comfort. "Well, there is one thing you might do," replied the aviator. "I'd like to have my limb returned to my homeland. So the next time one of your pilot chaps is going to be flying over the Isles anyway, I'd consider it a great favor if he would take my leg along with him and toss it out of the plane over mother England, thereby returning the limb to British soil." The request, though unusual, was not undoable. The doctor made the necessary arrangements. The limb was placed aboard a German fighter craft scheduled to go on a mission over England. En route home after completing his mission, the German pilot tossed the leg out of the plane over the Isles, thereby returning the limb to British soil. Five days later, the pilot received bad news. Gangrene had developed in his remaining leg, and the doctor informed him that it also would have to be amputated. Again, the aviator requested that his limb, by the same means as before, be returned to British soil. Again, this was done. A week after that came more bad news. Gangrene had developed in the pilot's right arm. The doctor informed him that another amputation would be necessary. Again, the aviator requested that his limb, by the same means as before, be returned to British soil. Again, this was done. Two weeks after that came still more bad news. Gangrene had developed in the pilot's left arm. The doctor informed him that another amputation would be necessary. "Well," said the British aviator, "if you have to do it, you have to do it. All I request is that this limb be handled like the others, and returned to British soil." "I do not think so, Herr Englander," said an ominous voice behind the partition. A black-gloved hand moved aside the partition. There, in full uniform, stood a Gestapo officer of high rank. "Ve vill not be returning zis limb to British soil, as ve did the others," continued the Gestapo officer. "Well, why not?" asked the puzzled pilot, "You returned the other limbs. Why not this limb as well?" The Gestapo officer merely snickered. "You think you are very clever, don't you, Herr Englander? Vell, ve of the Gestapo are not so easily fooled. Ve have figured out vhat it is you actually are trying to do." "And that is?" asked the British aviator, genuinely bewildered. "You are trying to escape. Now, confess!"
For the younger set: A black elementary school teacher was a staunch opponent of ebonics (black English) and made it his mission in life to see to it that his inner-city students learned to speak and write standard American English. During an exercise involving pronouns, the teacher picked students at random and asked them to compose original sentences. “All right, Bernice,” said the teacher. “Compose a sentence that begins with ‘I’.” The student began, “I is…” “Stop right there,” interrupted the teacher. “That is not grammatically correct. Your sentence should begin with ‘I am’. Begin again.” “But, Mr. Johnson, I is…” “No, no, no. Not ‘I is’. Your sentence should begin with ‘I am’. Begin again.” “But, Mr. Johnson, I keep telling you, I is…” “No more back talk out of you, young lady. Now listen to me, all of you. I do not care one whit what any social activist or political protester has to say on the subject of ebonics. I am going to teach you children to speak and write grammatically perfect standard American English for the simple reason that your future employment – indeed, your future success in life - depends on it! Now, I am giving you fair warning, Bernice. If you begin your sentence with anything other than ‘I am’, you will be sent to the principal’s office. Begin again.” Having no choice, the student complied. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
All-Time Classic: Just how dense are some people? Read this classic, and then you tell me. Our story takes place in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A man enters a downtown tavern and bellies up to the bar. “Bartender,” says the man, “Give me a draft beer. Then, gather everybody around for some hearty laughs. I have a bunch of really good Polish jokes to tell.” The bartender intercedes quickly. “Hold it, fella. Before another word gets past your mouth, you had better listen to what I have to say. First, you see those two big guys at the other end of the bar? They’re brothers and they own the butcher shop next door. Their parents were born in Poland. Next, you see those four guys at the corner table over there? They work the docks, and all four of them are of Polish descent. Finally, you see that group at the middle table over there? They work in the steel mills, and I know for a fact that ten of those twelve guys have some Polish ancestry, either father’s side or mother’s side. As a matter of fact, about 95% of the people in this bar right now have Polish blood to one degree or another. Do you, uh, see what it is I’m trying to tell you?” The man becomes contemplative. All at once, a light bulb clicks on in his head. “Oh, yes, I see. Thanks for letting
me know. Okay, I’ll tell the jokes very slowly so that everybody
will understand them.”
For the week beginning October 28, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#106
With Halloween coming up on October 31,
this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will present some appropriately
macabre humor for the holiday.
Joke of the Week: Late one Halloween night, two men - who were overdue getting home - decided to take a short cut through the cemetery. It was not long before the men regretted their decision. The hooting of the owls and the squeaking of the bats gave them the creeps. The wind, whistling through the bare branches of the gnarled trees, only added to their sense of dread. And during those intervals when the dark clouds parted to allow the Full Moon to shine through, eerie shadows were cast everywhere. All at once, the men heard a peculiar tapping sound. As they continued to walk along the cemetery path, the tapping became louder and louder, as though they were getting nearer and nearer to the source. This caused the men to become more and more apprehensive with each passing second. Suddenly, the men saw an eerie light a short distance away. Slowly, cautiously, the two men approached the light. As they drew closer, the tapping sounds grew louder and louder. When they came to within twenty feet of the light, they saw another man, about seventy years of age, kneeling before a headstone. In an instant, everything was explained. The light was coming from a lantern that the kneeling man was using to provide illumination. The tapping sounds were the result of the kneeling man chipping away at the headstone with hammer and chisel. At first, the men were relieved. They actually thought that a ghost might have been responsible for the tapping sounds and the eerie light. But then, they became very angry with the kneeling man. One of the men said, “Hey, mister. Do you know that you and your chiseling dang near scared us half to death? What are you doing working on a headstone at this time of night for, anyway?” “Got no choice,” said the kneeling man.
“Dang fools misspelled my name.”
For the younger set: Three boys were bragging to each other about their fathers. "My Dad’s job is so important, he works with 100 people under him," boasts the first. "Is that so? Well, then my Dad's job has to be twice as important, because he works with 200 people under him," brags the second. "That's nothing," says the third. "My father works with 10,000 people under him." "Really?" asks the first, impressed. "Really," says the third, proudly. "What does he do?" asks the second, also impressed. "He cuts the grass in the cemetery."
All-Time Classic:
As a consequence of the terrorist attacks
of September 11, the 2001 World Series will be played over the Halloween
holiday - which makes this classic joke doubly appropriate.
This is the story of two lifelong friends, Pete and Charlie. Pete and Charlie had many interests in common, not the least of which was their mutual love of the game of baseball. Pete developed into a superb pitcher, and Charlie became a hard-hitting catcher. They began their playing careers in the Little League. Later, they tried out for - and made - their high school baseball team. They both received scholarships to play college baseball. Then, after two years in the minor leagues, they both achieved their lifelong dream of playing in the Major Leagues. After their playing days were over, both men embarked on their second careers in coaching. Eventually, each man achieved his second lifelong dream of managing a Major League club. Even after their retirement from active service, both men continued to study the game. They became recognized baseball historians, collaborating on several critically acclaimed non-fiction books on the subject. Such was their lifelong love of baseball. As they entered their twilight years, both men began to ponder the metaphysical. Specifically, each man wondered if there was baseball in Heaven. The two men made a pact. Whichever of them died first would find a way to return to Earth and tell the other whether or not there was baseball in Heaven. In that way, the other would be prepared - for better or for worse - for what was to come. As it happened, Charlie died first. Five years later, the departed spirit of Charlie the catcher returned to Earth and appeared before Pete the pitcher. "Charlie!" said Pete. "It’s good to see you again. Well, give me the word. Is there baseball in Heaven?" To which Charlie said, "Uh, listen Pete. I have good news... and I have bad news." "Well, give me the good news first." "Okay. The good news is… there is indeed baseball in Heaven. We have literally thousands of teams, and we play every day. All the former Big Leaguers are now managing teams. We even have a World Series of sorts. So yes, there is indeed baseball in Heaven." "Oh, that's wonderful," said Pete. "That's the best news I've heard in a long time. Uh, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is... Babe Ruth has you scheduled
to start tomorrow's game."
For the week beginning October 21, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#105
With the second anniversary of The Official
Flash Kellam Website coming up on October 24, 2001, this week’s edition
of Flash’s Joke of the Week will present some of the best jokes in my collection.
Joke of the Week: Here are two factoids: On July 8, 1947, a flying saucer with five alien beings aboard supposedly crashed to Earth on a ranch outside of Roswell, New Mexico. On March 31, 1948, almost exactly nine months to the day after the above incident, future Vice-President Albert A. Gore, Jr. was born. Draw your own conclusions.
For the younger set: A desperate teen-age job seeker wished to take his case for employment directly to the owner of a small business. Hoping to demonstrate his confidence, the prospective employee stepped into the owner's space, putting him practically nose to nose with the man. He then said, "Sir, I'm ready to do anything for money." "I'll tell you what," said the business
owner, as he fished an object out his pocket. "If you get off of
my foot, I'll give you a nickel."
All-Time Classic: True political banter: Winston Churchill was engaged in a bitter feud with Lady Astor. At one point, she said, "Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee." Churchill's reply - one of the wittiest
comebacks of all time - was, "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink
it."
For the week beginning October 14, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#104
Joke of the Week: An evangelical Christian hiking through the woods encountered a bear. The bear, through his actions, made his intentions perfectly clear. He wanted to have the man for lunch. And by that, I do not mean that an invitation was being extended. The hiker got down on his knees and put his hands together in prayer. “Dear Lord, I pray to you for divine intervention,” said the hiker. “Turn this bear into a Christian so that rather than eating me, he will obey the Golden Rule and turn the other cheek.” All at once, the clouds overhead parted. A lightning bolt lanced forth and struck the bear. Immediately, the bear got down on his knees and put his hands together in prayer. The evangelical Christian was relieved. Without a doubt, God had heard his words and had turned the bear into a Christian. But then, the hiker heard the bear say the following: “Dear Lord, I thank you for the food I
am about to receive…”
For the younger set: Algie saw the bear.
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! A hunter, armed with a high-powered rifle, went into the woods to hunt bear. In due course, he caught site of his prey. The hunter raised his rifle and took aim at the huge animal. "Vait, comrade," said the bear. "Don't shoot. I have come to the voods in search of food because I vant a full stomach." "Is that so?" replied the hunter. "Well, I’ve come to the woods in search of a bear to skin because I want to be surrounded by a nice, warm fur coat." The hunter fingered the trigger. "Vait, comrade," pleaded the bear. "Thees thing you are about to do ees barbaric, and unvorthy of us both. Let us negotiate in good faith, like ceevilized beings. I am sure that ve can come thereby to a mutually beneficial compromise." The hunter agreed, and intense negotiations followed. Several hours later, the two parties came to an agreement that allowed each faction to get what it wanted. The bear ended up with a full stomach,
and the hunter ended up surrounded by a nice, warm fur coat.
For the week beginning October 7, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#103
Joke of the Week: On a whim, a blonde decided to spend the evening at a local comedy club. The hostess seated the blonde just as the next act was being introduced. A ventriloquist, carrying a large wooden dummy, entered through the backstage curtain. The ventriloquist sat down in a chair at center stage, placed his dummy on his knee, and went into his act. To the blonde’s dismay, most of the act consisted of the dummy speaking the punch lines to a number of blonde jokes. With each new blonde joke told, the blonde became increasingly irritated. Finally, she could take no more. The blonde rose from her seat and went to stand behind the backstage curtain. When the ventriloquist’s act was over, the audience erupted into thunderous applause. Carrying his dummy in his arms, the ventriloquist exited through the backstage curtain. Right where the blonde was waiting for him. “Hold it right there, buster,” said the blonde. “I’ve got a few words to say to you. I was in the audience during your performance, and I was totally offended by your blonde jokes. I have to deal constantly with people who presume that I'm dumb just because I happen to have naturally blonde hair. And acts like yours do nothing but perpetuate such stereotypes.” “Well, Miss, I…” began the ventriloquist. “Excuse me,” interrupted the blonde.
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to him.”
For the younger set:
A collection of who-was-the-greatest-in-the-Bible
jokes:
Who was the greatest lawbreaker in the
Bible?
Who was the greatest runner in the Bible?
Who was the greatest male financier in
the Bible?
Who was the greatest female financier in
the Bible?
Who was the greatest doctor in the Bible?
Who was the greatest actor in the Bible?
Who was the greatest baby sitter in the
Bible?
Finally, a Flash Kellam original! Who was the greatest loiterer in the Bible?
All-Time Classic: Twin brothers Angus and Jock McPherson entered a coffee shop and bellied up to the counter. “May I take your order, sir?” asked the counterman of Angus. “I’ll have a cup of coffee,” said Angus. “And for you, sir?” asked the counterman of Jock. “Nothing for the moment,” replied Jock. So saying, the counterman poured a cup of coffee for Angus. Angus then noticed a sign posted on a nearby wall. The sign read, “SECOND CUP OF COFFEE FREE”. “Waiter,” asked Angus, indicating the sign with a point of his thumb. “Be that sign correct?” “Yes, sir.” “Fine, then. I’ll have me second
cup of coffee now. Just set it in front of me brother.”
For the week beginning September 30, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#102
Grand Master's note: Because of the recent attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C., this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will present terrorist humor. But before I relate the jokes, the cultural idiocy popularly known as political correctness requires that I first say a few words, lest any of you hypersensitive types once again let your feelings do the talking. By presenting these terrorist jokes, I am not suggesting that the events of September 11, 2001 are an appropriate inspiration for humor; nor am I discounting the suffering of the victims of that day’s tragedies. No, I am presenting these jokes for two reasons: First, many people - myself included – have long believed that dark humor - delivered at the right time and in the proper context - can serve as a catharsis, helping people to vent whatever emotions may still be bottled up inside them; emotions that have to be purged for the sake of mental health. Second, the perpetrators of this infamous deed deserve to be subjected to scorn and to contempt, but also to another thing - ridicule. Through the use of dark humor, the evildoers can be exposed for the depraved madmen that they are, thus depriving them of the glory they seek. In other words, if these jokes make all terrorists look like imbecilic nincompoops – good! Therefore, do not bother accusing me of insensitivity. I have just explained what my motives are, so if you are too stupid to understand simple English, then there is no hope for you. Any letter or e-Mail I receive that berates me for not showing proper respect to the victims of terrorism will be presumed to have been written by a brainless idiot, and will – consequently - be ignored. I will ignore also any letter or e-Mail I receive that accuses me of racial/religious/cultural prejudice. It is time to grow up, little children, and learn to accept facts as facts. While it is a fact that most Arabs/Muslims are not terrorists, it is a fact also that most terrorists are Arabs/Muslims. The suicide pilots who hijacked our aircraft were not named Gustav, or Pierre, or even Ivan. They all had names like Ali, Abdul, and Ahkmed, and – therefore – so too shall the stooges in these jokes. Another thing: In the aftermath of the attacks on New York and Washington, a smelly bunch of incredibly ugly pigs crawled out of their sty and took to the streets of Palestine in order to celebrate the deaths of my countrymen. Therefore, in these jokes, the joke will be on the Palestinians. If you have a problem with that – tough! Okay, end of statement. Now, enjoy
the jokes.
Joke of the Week: A Flash Kellam original! Abdul worked in the headquarters building of the Palestine Liberation Organization in the capacity of shipping clerk. One day, Abdul was assigned to mail a package bomb to an American military base targeted by the terrorist group. Sitting at his desk in the shipping and receiving department, Abdul placed the bomb inside a box and trip-wired it so that it would explode the instant it was opened. Abdul then wrapped the box in plain brown paper, applied the proper address, weighed it on a postal scale, and affixed the correct postage. So far, so good. All that remained to be done was to secure the box by binding it with packing twine. Once that was accomplished, the package bomb would be ready for mailing. The roll of packing twine was mounted on a load-bearing column just to the left of his desk. Without looking, Abdul reached for the end of the roll. Pulling the twine between his fingers, Abdul measured off the amount he would need. “Two feet… four feet… six feet… eight feet.” Just then, a fellow terrorist sitting at
the adjoining desk said, “You infidel! Quit pulling the hair out
of my nose!”
For the younger set:
A pair of Flash Kellam originals!
Question: Why did the PLO terrorist stick his finger into the nose of the other PLO terrorist? Answer: He was hungry.
Now, the follow up: Question: Why did the PLO terrorist stick his finger into the ear of the other PLO terrorist? Answer: He wasn’t that hungry.
All-Time Classic: I first saw the following scenario play itself out in a Road Runner cartoon. This adaptation by me fits the current circumstances. Ali, a low-level functionary within the Palestine Liberation Organization, was anxious to prove to his superiors that he was capable of managing more important duties, such as executing complex terrorist attacks. On a whim, Ali decided to demonstrate his worth by mailing a package bomb to the American Embassy in Jerusalem. For the next six weeks, Ali planned methodically how he would go about accomplishing his dastardly deed. He cased the target building for over a month, taking special note of the mail delivery schedule. Using the mail delivery schedule as his basis, Ali worked out a setting for the bomb’s timer. His plan was to have the package bomb go off a few minutes after being delivered to the target building, but before any of the office workers opened the mail. So that he would know the instant the bomb exploded - no matter where he might be - Ali set the countdown function on his wristwatch in sync with the package bomb’s timer. Ali then wrapped and mailed his package bomb. The next day at PLO headquarters, Ali paced nervously, keeping a close eye on his wristwatch as the countdown function ticked off the seconds. “Three minutes to go,” said Ali. “Then, the leadership of the PLO will have to acknowledge my expertise.” Just then, from the next room, Ahkmed – one of Ali’s fellow terrorists – called to him. “Ali, may I be being seeing you for a moment?” “Not now,” said Ali. “I am busy.” Two minutes now remained on Ali’s wristwatch. “After all, what can go wrong?” said Ali. “I spent six weeks planning this attack. I took into account every possible contingency. I left absolutely nothing to chance.” “Ali,” called Ahkmed from the next room for a second time. “May I be being seeing you now?” “Be quiet, you infidel,” snapped Ali. “I am being trying to concentrate!” One minute left. “Sixty more seconds,” said Ali, “and not only will I have struck a blow against the Great Satan, I will have secured my place in the leadership hierarchy of the PLO. Twenty seconds now. Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen. Sixteen…” “Ali, could I be being speaking with you now?” said Ahkmed as he entered the room. “Camel dung!” yelled Ali. “What is it that you want?!” “Could you tell me what these words on
this package mean? ‘INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE’?”
For the week beginning September 23, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#101
Joke of the Week: A Longhorn said to an Aggie, “My uncle owns a Rembrant, a Monet, and a Picasso. What do you think of that?” “Your uncle is a show-off.” “Is that so?” “Yeah, that’s so. Why else would
anybody need to own three foreign sports cars?”
For the younger set:
A series of "Why did you quit your job?"
jokes:
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Barber?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Muffler
Shop Owner?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Fisherman?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Delicatessen
Man?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Historian?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Gourmet
Coffee Shop Manager?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Orange Juice
Cannery Worker?
Why did you quit your job, Mr. Lumberjack?
All-Time Classic: A theatrical booking agent was sitting in his office in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. Around about one in the afternoon, a man came into his office, leading a dog on a leash. The man claimed to have developed a sensational new act and had come to the booking agent to request an audition. “What kind of an act do you have?" asked the booking agent. “Here he is,” said the man, as he put his dog on the agent’s desk. “Meet Rover, the talking dog.” “What is this, some kind of ventriloquism act?” “No, not ventriloquism. My dog Rover actually can talk.” “You’re kidding,” said the astonished agent. “I kid you not,” said the man. “Watch as we go through our act, and you will see for yourself.” The man turned Rover to face him. “Tell me, Rover,” said the man. “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” To which Rover responded, “Rooooth.” “That’s right, Babe Ruth. Isn’t this talking dog absolutely amazing?” Both the man and the dog were given immediately the bum’s rush out of the booking agent’s office. As the man picked himself off of the floor, he commented, “Boy, what’s his problem, I wonder.” “Well,” said the dog. “Being as we
are in Boston, maybe he’s a Ted Williams fan.”
For the week beginning September 16, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#100
In commemoration of the 100th edition of
Flash’s Joke of the Week, I - the Grand Master
of The Official Flash Kellam Website - herewith present three of
the funniest jokes I know.
Joke of the Week: Adapted from a joke told by Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show”: A man enters the bedroom of his sick friend. “Hey, Charlie,” says the visitor. “Where did you get this nifty-looking oxygen tent?” “I got it (wheeze) with Chesterfield coupons
(cough, hack).”
For the younger set: A classic joke with a grammar lesson: A country bumpkin, while on a trip to the big city, visited a downtown department store. He went up to a snooty floor manager and asked, "Excuse me. What floor do you keep the fishing gear on?" To which the snooty floor manager replied, "Sir, please mind your grammar. One should never end a sentence in a preposition." "Okay. What floor do you keep the
fishing gear on, snotface?"
All-Time Classic: In the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, there lived an American Indian who was said to have such a fantastic memory, he could recall everything about anything that had ever happened to him in his entire life. Or so they said. A traveling salesman passing through Albuquerque heard about the Indian, and decided to check him out for himself. He inquired of the locals as to where he might find the Indian with the fantastic memory, and he was directed to the town square. When the traveling salesman got to the town square, he found the Indian surrounded by a throng of people asking him question after question about local history, past sports scores from area high schools, weather conditions from years ago, etc. The traveling salesman listened intently as the Indian responded to all of their inquiries, rattling off names, dates, places, facts, and figures with unflinching certitude. The Indian was delivering an impressive performance, to be sure. But the traveling salesman - a skeptical man by nature - could not help but conclude that the Indian's display of mental acumen was the consequence of some kind of trickery. "Let me give you a real test of your so-called fantastic memory," interrupted the traveling salesman in challenging tones. "Real fast, now. What did you have for breakfast on July 21, 1974?" "Eggs," replied the Indian unhesitatingly. The traveling salesman was not at all satisfied with the Indian’s response. “So what does that prove?” asked the traveling salesman. “Everybody has eggs for breakfast. Brother, I’ve seen some frauds in my day, but you really take the prize." With that, the traveling salesman went
on his way.
Thirty years later, the traveling salesman - now long retired - once again is passing through Albuquerque. By the hand of fate, the traveling salesman and the Indian with the fantastic memory once again are about to meet in the town square. But, as they both are now three decades older, the traveling salesman does not recognize the Indian as being the same Indian he had challenged all those years ago. Just as they are about to walk past each other, the traveling salesman raises his hand in greeting and says, "How." "Scrambled," replies the Indian unhesitatingly.
For the week beginning September 9, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#99
Joke of the Week: An anagram is a word or phrase created by re-arranging the letters of a different word or phrase. For example, "TIME" can become "EMIT", "ITEM", or "MITE". Here are a few of the more interesting anagrams I have encountered over the years: Bart Simpson pulled this stunt in a seafood
restaurant:
To send Popeye off in the wrong direction,
Bluto changed a road sign as follows:
Here is an incredible mathematical oddity:
Finally, here is an intriguing one that
came up during the 2000 Presidential campaign:
For the younger set: A father was about to render punishment on his son. But first, as he always did, the father reviewed the circumstances with his son so that the boy would understand why he was being punished. “All right, son. Let’s go over it. Did you not promise me that you would stay away from the construction site?” “Uh, yeah.” “And did I not promise you that you would be punished if you failed to stay away from the construction site?” “Uh, yeah, but seeing as how I didn’t keep
my promise to you, I’m certainly in no position to demand that you keep
your promise to me.”
All-Time Classic: Just an observation: If you tell a man that there are 500 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, he will believe you. If you tell him that the paint is wet,
he has to touch it for himself.
For the week beginning September 2, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#98
Joke of the Week: Mr. Smith, a seventy year-old man, became totally deaf five years ago. In desperation, he submitted to an experimental surgical procedure that held out the hope of restoring his hearing. Six months after the operation, Mr. Smith went to his doctor for a follow-up examination. “Doctor, that experimental surgery worked perfectly," said Mr. Smith. "I can hear better than ever.” “That’s great,” said his doctor. “I imagine that your family must also be delighted that you can hear again.” “Actually, they don’t know that I can hear again. I decided not to tell them.” “Why on Earth would you not want to tell them?” “Well, let me put it to you this way. Since
the operation, I’ve changed my Last Will and Testament five times.”
For the younger set: Adapted from the comic strip “Half Hitch” by Hank Ketcham. The comic situation that follows makes a very serious point. It is dangerous – and sometimes deadly – to start or repeat rumors. The inherent problem with rumors is that each person invariably relays the information in his own (and, therefore, slightly different) way. With each retelling, the story becomes increasingly twisted – sometimes to the point of being totally in conflict with the original information. The situation below ends comically. But other situations have ended fatally. I say again, never start or repeat rumors. Okay, so much for the advisory; now, enjoy the joke. Seaman Hitch grooved on Cookie’s special recipe clam chowder, and could never praise it enough. Seaman Hitch (to Seaman Miller): I’ll say this. Our cook, with his chowder, is way ahead of all of the other cooks in the fleet. Seaman Miller (to Seaman Chase): Hitch says that the cook’s chowder is way ahead. Seaman Chase (to Seaman Parlato): Hitch says that the cook is ahead in chowder. Seaman Parlato (to Seaman Toley): Hitch says that the cook is a head of chowder. Seaman Toley (to Seaman Logan): Hitch says that the cook is a chowderhead. Seaman Logan (to Cookie): Hitch says that you’re a chowderhead. Cookie (to Seaman Hitch, while pouring on his head a huge pot of clam chowder): There! Now you are what you said I was. That’ll teach you to watch what you say about me. Seaman Hitch (to Seaman Miller):
What did I say?
All-Time Classic: A duck enters a tavern, bellies up to the bar, and orders a Harvey Wallbanger. As the duck’s drink is set before him, the bartender says, “Here you are, sir. That’ll be $8.50.” Grumbling, the duck lays a sawbuck on the counter and begins drinking his drink. When the bartender returns with the change, he comments, "You know, sir, we don’t get a lot of ducks in this bar.” “Yeah?" says the duck. "Well, at
these prices, I don’t wonder.”
For the week beginning August 26, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#97
Joke of the Week: A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had been adrift at sea for forty days. Their provisions were running low - and their hopes of rescue were running even lower. All at once, a floating bottle came alongside their raft. The brunette grabbed the bottle and removed the stopper, hoping against hope that there would be fresh water inside. Instead, a magic genie appeared before them. “I am the genie of the bottle. I will grant each of you one wish." The brunette said, “I wish I were back in my own home.” The magic genie sent the brunette back to her house in Tampa Bay, Florida. The redhead said, “I wish I were back in my own home.” The magic genie sent the redhead back to her apartment in Baltimore, Maryland. "Well, now you've gone and done it," said
the blonde. "You've left me here all alone. I wish my friends
were here.”
For the younger set: Adapted from the comic strip “Briney Deep”. Zack (to Cookie, the head chef, flipping pancakes): Hey, Cookie. This kitchen is swarming with flies. Give me the flyswatter, and I’ll get rid of them for you. Cookie (still flipping pancakes): Can’t
you see that I’m using it?
All-Time Classic: A young mother needed someone to sit with Tommy, her six-year old son, while she went out of town on an errand. Unfortunately - and despite her best efforts - she could not obtain the services of a baby sitter. In desperation, she considered calling her father and asking him to come over and baby-sit. But she was reluctant to do so because her son made so much noise she feared it would drive her father crazy – only especially since her son recently had received for his birthday the gift of a bass drum. But, having no alternative, the young mother called her father and asked for his help. He came over immediately. Several hours later, the young mother returned to find her father and her son in the living room. Her son was on the floor playing quietly with some of his toys - a little too quietly, in fact. “Daddy, I’m back. Did everything go all right?” “Everything went just fine.” “I’m glad to hear that. I was afraid that Tommy would drive you up the wall, the way he beats on that drum all day long.” “Not to worry. I took care of that problem a few minutes after you left.” “How?” “Simple. I handed Tommy a penknife…” “Daddy!” “Relax. I saw to it that he didn’t get hurt. Now, as I said, I handed Tommy a penknife…” “And then?” “…and then I asked him if he’s ever wondered
what it is inside the drum that makes the noise.”
For the week beginning August 19, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#96
Joke of the Week: A couple was staying the night at the famous Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. At one point, the wife wondered if there were in their room any “bugs” (concealed microphones) left over from the 1972 break-in at Democratic Party headquarters. “Honey, relax. That break-in occurred nearly thirty years ago," said her husband. “I know that. Still… could you check the room? Just to be sure?” The husband decided to humor his wife. He conducted a search of the room. At one point, he looked under the bed. Suddenly… “Honey, could you hand me my penlight from my carry-on bag?” As she passed the penlight to her husband, she asked, “Do you see something?” “Well, by golly, I sure do. It’s a round metal plate screwed to the floor - and there are wires running from it!” “Dear, get rid of it. Right now!” pleaded the wife. “Hand me my Swiss Army knife from my carry-on bag.” The wife passed the Swiss Army knife to her husband. Using the screwdriver attachment, he unscrewed the metal plate. The husband then brought the metal plate, screws, and wires out from beneath the bed. Seeing no need to examine further the objects, he threw them out of the window. After a thorough search of the room turned up no other objects of a suspicious nature, the husband declared the room “bug-free”. The next morning, when the couple went to the checkout desk, the clerk asked them, “Uh, folks, was everything all right with your room? Did you have any problems with the fixtures, or anything else? Any problems of any kind?” “Well, uh, why do you ask?” inquired the husband. “Well, the family staying in the room directly
beneath yours reported that the chandelier fell off of the ceiling.”
For the younger set: Computer chips capable of voice synthesis are getting smaller and smaller. They soon may render obsolete the following classic joke: Jimmy: What time is it? Tommy: I don't know. Jimmy: Well, you’re wearing a wristwatch. What does your wristwatch say? Tommy: It doesn't say anything.
You have to look at it.
All-Time Classic: A conversation between two insane asylum inmates in adjoining cells: Inmate 1: Who are you? Inmate 2: I’m Napoleon Bonaparte. Inmate 1: Really? And just what makes you so sure that you’re Napoleon? Inmate 2: God himself told me that that’s who I am. Inmate 1: I most certainly did not!
For the week beginning August 12, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#95
Joke of the Week: A giant panda was dining in a restaurant. As soon as he had finished his meal, the waiter brought him his check. “Here you are, sir," said the waiter. "Your total comes to $8.45.” Immediately, the giant panda stood up, pulled out a 9 mm automatic pistol, and started shooting wildly. After taking out the wall clock, putting a hole in the ceiling fan, and blasting the television set to smithereens, the giant panda left the restaurant. As soon as the sounds of gunfire had ceased, the manager came downstairs. “What the heck happened here?” said the manager, as he surveyed the damage. “A giant panda came in and sat down for a meal,” said the waiter. “When I gave him his check, he pulled out a gun and started shooting. Then, he lit out of here without paying.” “Why would he do that?” asked the manager. “You got me. I’ll access the Internet and see what I can learn about giant pandas.” After just a few minutes of research, the waiter found a data entry that explained everything. “GIANT PANDA: Large marsupial mammal
that is similar in appearance to a bear. Indigenous to Mainland China
and Tibet. Grows to 4 ft high at the shoulder. Fur is black
and white. Eats shoots and leaves.”
For the younger set: A teacher was assigned to teach English literature at an inner-city high school. The week before the beginning of the fall semester, the teacher had gone water skiing and had suffered chest injuries in a spill. As a result, he was forced to wear a plaster cast on his upper torso. Fortunately, the teacher was able to conceal the cast beneath his clothing. His first day at his new school, the teacher gave his pupils a thorough scrutiny as they filed in and took their seats. Some of the teens were wearing black leather jackets, metal studs in their ears and noses, and mean expressions on their faces. The boys looked even meaner. The teacher was astute enough to know that if he did not establish his authority from the outset, this classroom full of street toughs would run roughshod over him for the rest of the semester. Suddenly, there came to the teacher a flash of inspired brilliance. The oscillating fan in the corner of the room was on full blast. The teacher deliberately moved to stand before the air flow in such a way that his necktie was blown hither and yon. Some of the students began to chortle at the sight. “Well, students,” said the teacher. “It would appear that I'm going to have to get my necktie under control before we can do anything else. So be it.” With that, the teacher went to his desk, opened a drawer, and pulled out a large stapler. He broke the stapler at the hinge and opened it up as though he were making the device ready to staple something to the wall. Instead, as his pupils watched in wide-eyed astonishment, the teacher put five staples through his necktie and his dress shirt beneath. The plaster cast concealed under his shirt shielded his chest from the staples, of course. But his students had no way of knowing that. Strangest thing. After that, the
teacher had no trouble keeping order in his classroom, and was the only
teacher in that entire school to report not a single discipline problem
that whole semester.
All-Time Classic: After he had delivered what was probably one of the longest, driest, and most banal sermons ever delivered, the preacher man announced that he wanted the members of the church board to meet with him in the conference room immediately after services. Upon dismissing the congregation, the preacher man descended from the pulpit and went straight to the conference room. The second man to enter the conference room was a member of the congregation, but not a member of the church board. “Excuse me,” said the preacher man to the congregant. “I said that I wanted to meet only with the members of the church board.” “With all respects, reverend,” said the
man. "If there was anybody in those pews who was more bored than
I, then I want to meet him.”
For the week beginning August 5, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#94
Joke of the Week: A plaintiff’s lawyer was cross-examining a defense witness who had been summoned to give testimony in a civil case involving an automobile accident. “Now then, sir,” said the plaintiff’s lawyer. “How far away were you from the scene of the accident?” The witness responded unhesitatingly. “Twenty-two feet, four and three-eighths inches.” The attorney saw his opening and went for it. “Now, sir, I ask you to be reasonable. Why should the jury believe that you can attest to the distance with such precision?” “Because at first opportunity, I measured the distance by means of a tape measure.” The attorney saw an even bigger opening and went for it. “Now, sir, I ask you again to be reasonable. Why should the jury believe that anyone would actually go out and measure the distance with a tape measure?” “Because my father advised me to do it.
He told me to figure that when I testified as to the distance, some snot-nosed
lawyer would challenge me about it.”
For the younger set: Question: How do you capture a unique rabbit? Answer: Unique up behind him.
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! A high official of the Communist Party owned an exquisite (and very expensive) antique silver tea service that had been in his family for generations. One day, the high official came home to find that his tea service was missing from its usual spot. Immediately, he reported the theft to the KGB. The KGB promised fast action. An hour later, the maid came upstairs bearing the tea service in her hands. The tea service had not been stolen. The maid had taken it down to the kitchen for polishing. Oops! Feeling a bit - if you will pardon the pun – red in the face, the high official called the KGB to withdraw his theft report. "So, your tea service was not stolen after all,” said the KGB officer. “That is not good.” "Why is it not good?" asked the dumbfounded high official. "Because, my men already have rounded up
twenty-two suspects. And so far, we have obtained nine confessions.”
For the week beginning July 29, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#93
Joke of the Week: Every now and then, a patient receives an insufficient amount of anesthesia and wakes up in the middle of the operation. Such a patient doubtless would not enjoy hearing any of the following: “Lord of Darkness, accept this sacrifice.” “Hand me that uh, whatchamacallit.” “Wait a minute. If that’s his spleen, then what’s this thing over here?” “Darn! There go the lights again!” “Hey, people, chill out. This is a new experience for us all.” “Rover! Bad dog! Bring that back!” “You know, they say there’s big money to be made in kidney transplants…” “Stop that confounded thing’s beating! I can’t concentrate!” “That’s strange. We requisitioned
five surgical clamps, but now I count only four. Where'd that other
clamp go?”
For the younger set: As he was wont to do on occasion, a father called his young son to his side so that he might impart to the youth some of his wisdom. “Son, as you go through life, remember this always: Before you disagree with another man’s point of view, you should walk a mile in his shoes.” “Why?” “In case he disagrees violently.
Then, he’ll be a mile away - and barefoot.”
All-Time Classic: A man went up to one of his neighbors, who had just returned from vacation. "Welcome back. How was your camping trip?" “It was a complete disaster, that's what it was.” “Oh? What happened?” “The very first night, a bear got into our camp, broke open the food lockers, and ate all of our food.” “Boy, you really did get off to a bad start.” “Yeah, well, if nothing else, I gave that bear a dose of his own medicine so he'd know how it feels.” “Oh? What did you do?” “I broke open his favorite stump and ate
all of his ants.”
For the week beginning July 22, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#92
Joke of the Week: A summary of the Japanese banking crisis: Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Karaoke Bank is going for a song. Bonsai Bank is reducing its branches. But there’s more… 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. 500 more jobs at Hara Kiri Bank will be cut. The stock price of Kamikaze Bank is crashing. And finally… Financial analysts are wary of investing
in Sushi Bank, fearing that they will get a raw deal.
For the younger set: An obese teen-ager asked his doctor, "How can I get rid of this excess weight?" "I recommend regular exercise," said the physician. “What sort of regular exercise?” “Push yourself away from the table three
times a day."
All-Time Classic: An Aggie was a regular at a particular bar. Every time he came in, he would always order two Harvey Wallbangers. One day, out of curiosity, the bartender asked the Aggie why he did not simply order one double instead of two singles. "Well, it's like this," said the Aggie in somber tones. "My best friend, a drinking buddy of mine, died several years ago. On his deathbed, he made me promise that whenever I had a drink, I would have a drink for him, too." Several years later, the Aggie came into the bar and ordered a Harvey Wallbanger. "Only one Harvey Wallbanger?" asked the astonished bartender. "What about your buddy?" "Oh, this one is my buddy's," said the
Aggie as he lifted his glass. "I've decided to go on the wagon."
For the week beginning July 15, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#91
Joke of the Week: How dumb are criminals? Read these true accounts, and then you tell me. A bank security camera recorded some clear shots of a robbery in progress. Unfortunately, the robber was wearing a disguise that made it impossible to discern his facial features. Fortunately, he was wearing also his safety hard hat, emblazoned with the name of the company for which he worked. A burglar broke into a toy store after hours, rifled the cash register, and pocketed the day's receipts. Then, his eyes caught the model railroad display, and he could not resist. He began playing with the train set and quickly lost track of time. When the proprietor showed up early the next morning to open his store, he saw the burglar through the storefront window and summoned police. Two inexperienced armed robbers entered a record store. The first robber - waving his gun nervously - shouted, “Nobody move!” When the second robber moved towards the cash register, the first robber - in his nervousness - shot and wounded his partner. In an effort to get booze, a burglar hurled
a cinder block into the storefront window of a retail liquor establishment.
This particular storefront window, however, was glazed not with ordinary
safety glass, but with super-strong Plexiglass. The cinder block
bounced off of the window and struck the burglar in the head, knocking
him unconscious. He was still out when the police arrived on the
scene to take him into custody. Additional note: To add insult
to injury, the store’s security camera caught it all on tape.
For the younger set: A sea monster found a cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a second cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a third cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a fourth cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a fifth cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a sixth cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. The sea monster found a seventh cargo vessel laden with potatoes. He ate it. It just goes to prove: Nobody - and
I mean nobody - can eat just one potato ship.
All-Time Classic: Tom: When I was in Africa, I played poker with some of the natives. Bob: Zulus? Tom: No, I won.
For the week beginning July 8, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#90
Joke of the Week: A Texas Aggie secured employment with the Texas Department of Transportation. His job was to hand-paint the yellow lines down the middle of the road. His supervisor was very pleased when he received a report stating that the Aggie, on his very first day, had hand-painted the yellow lines down ten miles of road! But the supervisor became increasingly dissatisfied with the Aggie’s work. On his second day, the Aggie had hand-painted the yellow lines down only seven miles of road. The third day, just three miles of road. The fourth day, less than half a mile of road. The Aggie was called to the supervisor’s office. “Your first day's job performance was excellent,” said the supervisor. "But since then, your productivity has declined. With each subsequent day, you paint fewer and fewer miles of road.” “I can't help it,” said the Aggie.
“The more miles of road I paint, the farther away the paint can gets.”
For the younger set: A boy was in attendance at Sunday School, where the topic of discussion was the Ten Commandments. “The Fifth Commandment says, ‘Honor your father and your mother’,” said the teacher. “Remember, you would not be here were it not for your parents. So God has commanded you to treat your father and your mother well for all of their days here on Earth.” The boy raised his hand and asked, “Teacher, is there a Commandment that tells you how to treat your brothers and your sisters?” “Interesting that you should ask,” said
the teacher. “Because the Sixth Commandment says, ‘Thou shalt not
kill’."
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! This joke takes place during the 1979 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. A general in the Soviet Red Army is sitting in his office in Moscow. This particular general is in charge of foreign operations. At one point, his adjutant enters the office. "Begging your pardon, comrade general," says the adjutant, "but I have just received urgent message from Col. Tretiak on Afghan front. He says that his unit is desperately short of fresh water and must have relief supplies immediately. The word immediately is underlined." "Very well," says the general. "The next regular supply shipment goes out Tuesday. See to it that water for Col. Tretiak's unit is included." "Begging your pardon, comrade general," says the adjutant, "but I think we should make arrangements for a special shipment to leave today. I don't think Col. Tretiak's unit can hold out until Tuesday." "Oh? What makes you say that?" "Have a look at envelope in which message
was sent. Stamp is attached with staples."
For the week beginning July 1, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#89
With Independence Day coming up on July
4, this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week will feature George
Washington.
Joke of the Week: A man called his young son to his side. "Son, I'm trying to find out who pushed the tool shed over the cliff. But, before I ask you about that, I'd like to tell you a story. It's a very famous American legend about our first President - George Washington - when he was just a boy. "When young George turned seven, he received for his birthday the present of a brand new hatchet. He was very delighted with his gift and wanted to test it. So, he went outside and started chopping away at anything made of wood. And before he realized what he was doing, he had chopped down his father's prize cherry tree. "Now, when George's father came home and saw his cherry tree lying on the ground, he became absolutely livid with rage. He then turned to his son and asked, 'George, do you know who chopped down the cherry tree?'. And young George's famous reply was, 'I cannot tell a lie, father. I did it.'. “Well, the elder Mr. Washington was so impressed with his son's display of forthrightness and honesty, he decided that the boy should not be punished so that he would always go through life telling the truth. Indeed, the legacy of George Washington can be summed up in a single sentence: ‘He never told a lie.’. Now, isn't that just a wonderful story about the Father of our Country? "Okay, so much for the story. Son, do you know who pushed the tool shed over the cliff?" "I cannot tell a lie, father," replied his son. "I did it." "Yeah, that's what I thought, but I was just making sure. GET OVER MY KNEE, YOU LITTLE BRAT. I'M GONNA PADDLE YOUR BEHIND TO WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!" "But, Dad. But, Dad," the boy protested. "You said that George Washington's father didn't punish him when he told the truth." "Listen, kid. George Washington's
father wasn't inside the cherry tree when it got chopped down. Get
it?"
For the younger set: Here is a famous puzzler designed to test your analytical abilities. Read the following paragraph carefully, then look away and answer the question: “If Washington’s washwoman washed Washington’s woolies while Washington went to Washington, how many ‘Ws’ in all?” All right, there is the question. Now, what is the answer? Uh, uh. No fair peeking. You can figure this out without again looking at the sentence. Give up? Okay, here is the answer. There are no ‘Ws’ in all. There’s
one ‘A’, two ‘Ls’… but no ‘Ws’.
All-Time Classic: An American Revolution classic from Dave Berg: At Valley Forge, an American soldier entered the offices of George Washington. "General Washington, may I have a two-week furlough?" asked the soldier. "No," replied Washington, calmly but firmly. "May I have three days leave?" "No," replied Washington, somewhat less patiently. "May I have a ten-hour pass?" "No, no, no. Soldier, you know the gravity of our situation. I cannot give leave to anyone at this time. Why do you keep persisting in these requests, knowing that I cannot grant them and, therefore, will not grant them?" "I just wanted to come in for a couple
of minutes to get warm."
For the week beginning June 24, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#88
Joke of the Week: The owner of a local tavern was reputed to be the strongest man in the world. In fact, he was so certain of his strength, he had established a betting pool as a gimmick for drawing customers into his establishment. For ten dollars, you could purchase a chance to win the pool. The terms were simple. The tavern owner, as a show of strength, would squeeze a lemon as hard as he could. The rind would then be handed to the bettor. If the bettor could squeeze even one more drop of juice from the lemon, he would win the pool. All kinds of tough guys – prizefighters, body-builders, cowboys, and longshoremen – put up their ten dollars for a chance to win the pool. But not one of them could force even one more drop of juice from a lemon squeezed previously by the tavern owner. One day, there came into the tavern a scrawny-looking man wearing a polyester suit, thick eyeglasses, and wing-tipped shoes with tassels on the ends of the shoelaces. He went up to the tavern owner, put down a ten-dollar bill, and announced that he was going to try to win the pool. Immediately, everyone in the tavern burst out laughing. Even the proprietor could not keep a straight face. “Hey, now look, mister,” said the tavern owner after he had regained his composure. "Fun is fun, but I can’t - in good conscience - take your ten dollars. It wouldn’t be fair. It would be just like stealing.” “I assure you, sir, I know what I’m doing,” countered the mild-mannered man. “Now, I've put my money on the line, so I am entitled to a chance to win the pool.” “Okay, mister," said the tavern owner. “It’s your sawbuck. If you want to throw it away, it’s no skin off my nose.” Into the pool went the smallish man’s ten-dollar bill. From beneath the bar, the tavern owner brought forth a lemon. The tavern owner squeezed the lemon as hard as he could, filling a small glass with the juice. When he was certain that there was not a drop of juice left in the lemon, he handed the rind to the bettor. The other patrons already had gathered around in anticipation of another good laugh. Instead, their eyes bulged out in astonishment as the little man squeezed from the rind not just one drop of additional juice, but many more. Into a glass the drops dripped. Five drops, ten drops, fifteen drops, twenty drops in all! The meek, bespectacled man had won the cash in the pool, some $1,200.00 in all. He bought a round for the house, and pocketed the rest. "Hey, mister," said the tavern owner, "I have to know. How on Earth did you get even one more drop of juice out of that lemon, let alone twenty?” “Oh, there’s nothing to it, really. Just the application of some skills I developed on the job.” “And what is your job?” “I’m an auditor for the IRS.”
For the younger set:
A number of office sign classics:
Sign on the wall of an optometrists’ office: IF YOU DON’T SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE,
.
BACK IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT! STAY! .
IF YOU PAY YOUR ELECTRIC BILL,
.
A rural fire company was called to the scene of a brush fire. Despite their best efforts, the firefighters could not get the blaze under control. “Put in a second alarm!” roared the captain. “Get more units out here fast.” “There are no other companies available,” said the lieutenant. “They’re all out on other calls.” “Oh, that’s just great,” replied the captain sarcastically. “If we don’t get reinforcements, the fire will spread. The entire county will go up in flames!” “Wait a minute,” said the lieutenant. “There’s an auxiliary volunteer unit based in Milford, just a few miles down the road.” “You mean Auxiliary Company No. 3? You’re not seriously considering calling them, are you? That unit is composed entirely of retired firefighters. Not one member of that company is younger than sixty-eight. They’re all over the hill. Useless.” The lieutenant was appalled by his captain’s vehement tirade. “Begging the captain's pardon, but my father taught me to respect experience. Besides, there’s no one else available.” Conceding the point, the captain had his lieutenant put in a call for Auxiliary Company No. 3. Several minutes later, a thirty-year old fire engine manned by a half-dozen elderly firefighters roared onto the scene of the brush fire. To the amazement of the captain who had spoken of the retirees so scornfully, the engine plunged unhesitatingly into the very heart of the conflagration. Quickly, the men of Auxiliary Company No. 3 scrambled off of their fire engine, hooked up their hoses, and started quenching the blaze with water from the engine's self-contained supply. Their daring tactic had worked! By dousing the flames from within, a “cold spot” had been set up in the center of the inferno. As a result, the fire’s perimeter ceased to advance. Rallying their forces, Auxiliary Company No. 3 continued to hit the conflagration from within while the regular company did the same from without. Within the hour, the brush fire was extinguished. A disaster had been averted, largely as the consequence of a high-risk maneuver executed superbly by a very courageous – and very experienced – group of men. After it was all over, the fire captain - now thoroughly ashamed of himself - said to his lieutenant, “Well, it looks like you were right, and I was wrong. Experience should be respected.” “Don’t tell me, sir. Tell them.” And tell them he did. The story soon spread throughout the county. Letters of thanks from grateful citizens poured in by the dozens to Auxiliary Company No. 3. And some of those letters included donations of money to the volunteer auxiliary. When things finally calmed down, Auxiliary Company No. 3 had received over $2,000.00 dollars in donations. Asked by a newspaper reporter how they
planned to use the money, the captain of Auxiliary Company No. 3 said,
“Well, I reckon the first thing we’re going to do is get the brakes on
that fire engine fixed.”
For the week beginning June 17, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#87
Joke of the Week: One fine day, a man and his girlfriend (who happened to be a blonde) were driving down a country lane. All at once, a jackrabbit bounded across the road in front of them. Unable to stop in time, the man’s car struck the animal. The man pulled over, got out of his car, and went to the jackrabbit. But there was nothing that he could do. The animal was as dead as the proverbial doornail. “I’m sorry, honey," said the man. "The jackrabbit’s dead.” “Wait a minute," said the blonde. "I’ve got something in my purse that might help.” “Honey, in case you’ve forgotten, I happen to be a veterinarian. If I say that jackrabbit’s dead, then he’s dead.” “That being the case, what harm can it do to try?” The man relented, knowing from past experience that it was hopeless to try to explain reality to a blonde. His girlfriend went to the jackrabbit's side. The blonde knelt down beside the jackrabbit and took out of her purse a small aerosol can. She sprayed the contents on the jackrabbit’s unmoving form. All at once, the jackrabbit sprang back to life and scurried away. The man could not believe his eyes. And as if a resurrection were not confounding enough, the jackrabbit next did something that the veterinarian had never seen any animal do. After taking only a few strides, the jackrabbit stopped, turned towards the man’s girlfriend, and made a waving gesture with one of his forelegs. The blonde waved back, saying, “Bye, bye, bunny.” The jackrabbit took a few more strides, then stopped, turned, and made the waving gesture again. “Bye, bye again, bunny,” said the blonde. The jackrabbit took a few more strides, then stopped, turned, and made the waving gesture for a third time. “Bye, bye again, bunny,” said the blonde. Thankfully, the jackrabbit’s next few strides put it over a ridge and out of sight. Otherwise, the jackrabbit and the blonde might have been out there all night waving goodbye to each other. The veterinarian still could not believe what he had seen. “Honey, I just saw you do something that is clinically impossible. How on Earth did you do it?” “It was easy. I just sprayed him with some of this,” said the blonde, as she held forth the aerosol can. The man took the can from the hand of his girlfriend. “Hair spray? That’s what you used to bring that animal back to life? Hair spray?” “Sure. I knew it would work because of what it says on the label.” The veterinarian read the label until he came to the relevant portion. “RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR. SETS
PERMANENT WAVE.”
For the younger set: Patience please. Some may not know of this classic pun and sight gag combination. This trick should be played on one of your younger friends. In part because a younger friend is less likely to know this routine; but mostly because a smaller kid cannot drag you back to his house (as you will come to understand). Also, be sure that you pull this stunt in his personal bedroom. If you do it in a living room or other common area, the gag will not work (as, again, you will come to understand). Go into your friend’s bedroom and ask, “Would you like to play a new card game?” If your friend is bored, he likely will say, “Yeah. What’s it called?” “The name of the game is ’Fifty-two Pickup’.” “How do you play?” At those words, you produce a standard deck of fifty-two playing cards (preferably an old deck). Then, with great flourish, you throw the cards into the air, scattering them everywhere. “There’s fifty-two cards, right?” “Uh, right,” your bewildered friend will say. “Okay. Now YOU pick 'em up!” Then, cut out fast before your friend recovers his wits. You will have left his room a complete mess, compelling him to - shall we say - finish the game. Hee, hee, hee. Ah, memories. Recounting this gag
takes me back to my college days. We used to put two decks together
for "One hundred and four Pickup". Twice the cards, but four times
the action!
All-Time Classic: How to distinguish the different species of bears: If, in order to get away from a bear, you run across a field and climb a tree, and the bear climbs up the tree after you, it is a black bear. If, in order to get away from a bear, you run across a field and climb a tree, and the bear tries to shake you out of the tree, it is a brown bear. If, in order to get away from a bear, you
run across a field and find no tree to climb, it is a polar bear.
For the week beginning June 10, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#86
Joke of the Week: A man, jogging on the beach, comes across an object sticking out of the sand. The object turns out to be an ancient Arabian bottle. The man pulls the stopper out of the bottle, and a magic genie comes forth. "Well, well, well,” says the man. “The genie of the bottle, I presume?” “Actually, I’m the cruel genie of the bottle.” “What does that mean?” “It means that I’ll give you three wishes, all right. But it means also that I’m going to make you feel miserable for having made those wishes.” “And exactly how are you going to make me feel miserable?” “Like I said, I’ll give you three wishes. But, whatever I give to you, I will give twice again to the person you hate the most - your mother-in-law. What do you want for your first wish?" "I'd like 100 million dollars." "Fine," replies the genie. "Your bank account now has a balance of 100 million dollars. But your mother-in-law now has a balance of 200 million dollars. What do you want for your second wish?" "I'd like a Rolls Royce." "Fine," replies the genie. "You now own a Rolls Royce. But your mother-in-law now owns two Rolls Royces. What do you want for your third wish?" "I'd like to be beaten half to death."
For the younger set:
Some variations on “Mary had a little lamb".
Mary had a little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb,
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! A Russian worker and a high official of the Soviet Communist Party were discussing Marxist theory. At one point, the worker said, “Comrade, I am completely confused about dialectics. I have heard concept discussed time and time again, but I still can’t figure it out. I have a feeling that I will never understand dialectics.” “No problem, comrade,” said the high official of the Communist Party. "I can help you understand concept. I do it by example. Let us say that two men come out of coal mine. One has dirty face, other has clean face. So, which one washes up?” “Uh, one with dirty face, I would suppose.” “No, no, comrade. One with clean face will see that other has dirty face, so one with clean face wash up. One with dirty face will see that other has clean face, so one with dirty face not wash up. Understand?” “Uh… I think so, but I’m not sure.” “Okay, let’s try it again. Two men come out of coal mine. One has dirty face, other has clean face. So, which one washes up?” “One with clean face.” “No, no, comrade. One with clean face will comment that other has dirty face, so one with dirty face wash up. One with dirty face will comment that other has clean face, so one with clean face not wash up. You see?” “Huh?” “Okay, let’s try it again. Two men come out of coal mine…” “Wait, comrade, stop. All the time you keep twisting story around so it always comes out that you are right.” “Exactly, comrade. And you said you
would never understand dialectics.”
For the week beginning June 3, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#85
Joke of the Week: Grand Master’s note: As you will be able to tell from the characters and situations, the following joke is a bit dated. However, it was not that long ago. The year is 1997. God brings together Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. He tells them that He is going to bring the world to an end in seven days. He then sends the three men back to inform the people. Bill Clinton addresses the American people. “My fellow citizens, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, God really does exist. The bad news is, He is bringing the world to an end in seven days.” Boris Yeltsin addresses the Russian people. “Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is, God really does exist. The worse news is, He is bringing the world to an end in seven days.” Bill Gates addresses the board of directors of Microsoft Corporation. “People, I have good news and I have great
news. The good news is, God considers me to be one of the three most
important people on this planet. The great news is, we're not going
to have to fix Windows 95!”
For the younger set: As a family drove home from church following Sunday services, the parents asked their young son to tell them what he had learned that day in Sunday School. “Well,” said the boy, “the teacher told us the story of how Moses approached an unfriendly nation by way of the desert in order to do reconnaissance for a hostage rescue mission. After he located the hostages, he called headquarters to have them lay down diversionary fire. The diversionary fire distracted the enemy, enabling Moses to storm the compound and free the hostages. They made a run for friendly territory, only to find their way blocked by the sea. Moses called headquarters again, and the Corps of Engineers brought in a pontoon bridge by means of cargo helicopters, enabling Moses and the hostages to escape into friendly territory. But the enemy tried to pursue by way of the same pontoon bridge, so Moses called headquarters for a third time to request an air strike. When the enemy forces were halfway across the bridge, the F-16s took it out by means of air-to-surface missiles. The pursuers, weighed down by their heavy equipment, all drowned in the sea...” “Just a moment, son,” interrupted the father. “Is this really the story that your Sunday School teacher told you?” “Well, actually, no. But the thing
is, if I told the story to you the same way she told it to me, you’d never
believe it.”
All-Time Classic: Once upon a time, there lived a man who was a painting contractor by trade. He was a highly unethical businessman, to say the least. Among his many shady practices, he would thin his paint with huge volumes of turpentine. This enabled him to save money on paint, which in turn enabled him to outbid his competitors for painting contracts. But he thinned his paint to such a degree that it was practically worthless as a wall covering. However, this mattered not to the unscrupulous contractor. So what if the paint wore out after only a few months? The covering lasted long enough for him to collect his fee, and that was his sole concern. One day, the unprincipled contractor outbid his competitors for a contract to paint a church. Bright and early the following Monday, the painting contractor showed up at the church and set to work. He began by thinning his paint with copious amounts of turpentine, as usual. After which he started slopping the worthless covering over the exterior of the church. However, just as he was about to finish the job, thunderclouds appeared overhead. The contractor thought this strange, as the weather forecast had called for clear skies. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning lanced out of the thunderclouds and struck the paintbrush the contractor was holding in his hand. The paintbrush was blasted into splinters. Holding his numb hand, the contractor ran to his pickup truck. But a second lightning bolt struck his vehicle, setting it ablaze. Fleeing in terror, the contractor stumbled into the church cemetery. All at once, a salvo of lightning bolts struck the ground all around him. The painter dropped to his knees, too frightened to move. Just then, the thunderclouds parted, and the hand of the Almighty appeared, pointing an accusatory finger at the contractor. His booming voice came next. “Blasphemer! You have violated the sanctity of the church! For this transgression, you must do penance!” Trembling with fear, the contractor asked, "What do you want me to do, Lord?” God’s instructions were succinct and to the point. “Repaint! And thin no more.”
For the week beginning May 27, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#84
Joke of the Week: A Great White Hunter is cruising down a river in South America. Without warning, his boat encounters some rapids. The boat capsizes, leaving him stranded in the middle of the river. As he sits there straddling the keel of his overturned boat, the Great White Hunter considers swimming to shore, but is deathly afraid of the possibility of alligators in the river. An hour or so later, the Great White Hunter sees a native walking along the river bank. Now, if there are any alligators in the river, surely a local inhabitant would know. “Excuse me,” shouts the Great White Hunter. “Are there any alligators in this river?” “There used to be, sir,” replies the native. “But not any more.” That is all the Great White Hunter needs to hear. Immediately, he slides off of his capsized boat and begins to swim to shore. When he is halfway between the boat and the shore, the Great White Hunter again calls out to the native and asks, “By the way, how did you get rid of the alligators?” “We didn’t, sir. The piranha did.”
For the younger set:
School daze.
Chemistry teacher: Jenny, what can you tell me about nitrates? Jenny: Well, uh, they're usually
cheaper than day rates.
Geography teacher: Billy, where are elephants found? Billy: Well, gee whiz. They’re
so big I don’t see how they could get lost in the first place.
Civics teacher: Tommy, give - for one year - the number of tons of coal exported from the United States. Tommy: 1492 - none.
All-Time Classic: In a Connecticut railroad station, there stood a tavern that was patronized by those who commuted to and from New York City. One of the bar's regular patrons was a doctor by profession. As he was a regular, he was well known to the tavern's bartender, whose name happened to be Dick. The doctor, as I said, was a regular. How regular, you ask? Every working day, he would take the commuter special home to Connecticut; he would enter the railroad station tavern at precisely 6:45 p.m.; he would always order the same drink, an almond daiquiri (by the way, to save you a trip to the dictionary, daiquiri - a mixed drink of rum, sugar, and lime juice - is pronounced dack-er-ee). It was not long before Dick had settled into a weekday routine. As soon as the commuter special pulled into the station, Dick would begin to mix the doctor's drink. By the time the doctor entered the tavern, there would be his almond daiquiri, ready and waiting for him. One fine Thursday, the commuter special pulled into the station, and Dick began to mix the doctor's drink. But, to the bartender's dismay, he discovered too late that he was fresh out of almonds. He scrambled around, trying to find an almond for the doctor's daiquiri; but there was none to be found. In fact, the only nut of any kind he was able to find was a hickory nut. In desperation, Dick put the hickory nut in the doctor's daiquiri, hoping against hope that the physician would not notice the difference. Unfortunately for Dick, the doctor noticed immediately the peculiar taste. He looked down at the strange-looking nut in his glass, and then turned to the bartender and asked, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No," confessed the bartender. "It's
a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
For the week beginning May 20, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#83
Joke of the Week: A Texas Aggie went to the doctor’s office. “What can I do for you?” asked the doctor. “Well, here’s the reason I came to you,” said the Aggie, as he pulled a jewelry box out of his coat pocket. “My uncle gave me these as a birthday present.” With that, the Aggie opened up the jewelry box. Inside the box was a pair of exquisite diamond-stud cuff links. “Well, those are very nice cuff links,” said the doctor. “But what do they have to do with me?” “Well, here’s the deal. I don’t have any shirts with French cuffs.” “And,” prompted the perplexed doctor. “And so I've come to you to get my wrists
pierced.”
For the younger set: An idiot walked into an ice cream shop and asked for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. “I’m sorry, sir,” said the clerk. “We’ve run out of chocolate today.” “Well, in that case,” said the idiot, “could you give me a quart of chocolate ice cream?” “Sir, I just said that there is no chocolate,” replied the clerk. “How about a pint of chocolate ice cream?” “Sir, don’t you understand? There is no chocolate.” “Could you give me an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate?” The frustrated clerk then asked the idiot, “Sir, could you spell the word ‘VAN’, as in ‘VANILLA’?” Curious, the idiot complied. “Uh, V-A-N.” “Fine,” said the clerk. “Now, could you spell the word ‘STRAW’ as in ‘STRAWBERRY’?” Again, the idiot complied. “Uh, S-T-R-A-W.” “Excellent,” said the clerk. “Now, could you spell the word ‘STINK’ as in ‘CHOCOLATE’?” “Uh… hey, wait a minute,” said the idiot. "There is no ‘STINK’ in ‘CHOCOLATE’.” “That's what I've been trying to tell you,”
said the clerk.
All-Time Classic: Note: As any gourmet will tell you, among the best parts of a lobster are its huge claws, chock full of succulent meat. But sometimes, the epicure does not get all that he expects. A diner was dissatisfied with the lobster that was just set before him. “Hey, waiter, what kind of a rip-off is this? This lobster has only one claw.” “Well, I guess he must have gotten into a fight with another lobster. What do you expect me to do about it?” “What I expect you to do is to take this
one back to the kitchen… and tell the chef to cook the winner.”
For the week beginning May 13, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#82
Joke of the Week: A comic situation I saw first on an episode of "Get Smart", and adapted by me. To make a long story short, an American citizen visiting a South American nation gets into some trouble. When all is said and done, he is falsely convicted of murder and condemned to die by firing squad. The night before his execution, the American paced frantically in his cell, trying to think of some way, any way, to get out of this mess. All at once, from the tiny window in the door of his cell, there came a whispering voice that said, "Hey, Senor." The American went to the cell door and peered through the window. The man speaking to him was the prison janitor. "Senor, I understand that you are scheduled to die at dawn." "Tell me something I don't know," replied the American sarcastically. "Okay. I have a way for you to escape." Needless to say, the janitor had the American's full attention. "They have assigned several of the prison guards to serve on the firing squad. Now, as you may or may not know, prison guards are not very well paid. So it is very possible that they could be bribed." "Bribed? To do what?" "To load their rifles with blank cartridges. Then, when they fire, you fall to the ground as though you had just been shot. After which, I will come and take away your 'body' before anyone has a chance to examine you. Once I take you out of the prison, you will be able to escape. Of course, I would need money to bribe the guards... plus a little extra for my services." The American had no options. He gave the janitor every dollar he had. The janitor went on his way. An hour before dawn, the janitor's whispering voice again was heard coming from the tiny window in the cell door. "Hey, Senor." Again, the American went to the cell door and peered through the window. "Listen," said the janitor, "I have good news... and I have bad news." The American groaned. "All right. Give me the bad news first." "Okay. The bad news is... I was able to bribe only half of the firing squad." The janitor shrugged his shoulders resignedly. "Oh, my God," said the American. "What could possibly be good news?" "Oh, the good news is... you get half
your money back."
For the younger set:
Some nuclear physics humor:
Question: Why did the store order give the atomic particle merchandise for free? Answer: This particular atomic particle
happened to be a neutron. Hence, no charge.
Two atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other. The first atom asks the second, “Are you all right?” To which the second atom replies, “No, I’m not all right. I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “I’m positive.”
Why did the nuclear scientist spend his vacation on the lake? He wanted to get in a little fission.
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! When it became known that a supply train was coming to Moscow loaded to bear with fresh meat, a line of people began forming outside the depot. Within an hour, the line was twenty blocks long. After the crowd had stood around for two hours in the freezing cold, the Commissar emerged from the depot and shouted, "Who in line waiting for meat are Jewish?" A few people scattered throughout the line raised their hands. "Hokay," said the Commissar. "I just got it word that when train come in, there not be enough meat for everybody. So, all of you in line who are Jewish... go home." The line thinned out and those remaining scrunched forward. After the crowd had stood around for four more hours in the freezing cold, the Commissar again emerged from the depot and shouted, "Who in line waiting for meat are not high officials of the Communist Party?" This time, a much larger number of people scattered throughout the line raised their hands. "Hokay," said the Commissar. "I just got it word that when train come in, there not be enough meat for everybody. So, all of you in line who are not high officials of the Communist Party... go home." Once again, the line thinned out and those remaining scrunched forward. After the crowd had stood around for eight more hours in the freezing cold, the Commissar again emerged from the depot and shouted, "Who in line are waiting for meat?" Everyone raised his hand. "Hokay," said the Commissar. "I just got it word that train not coming in at all. So, all of you in line who are waiting for meat... go home." As the line broke up, one high official
of the Communist Party turned to another and said, "Is it not as I have
always said, Dimitri? Those Jews get the best of every deal!”
For the week beginning May 6, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#81
Joke of the Week: Three people died simultaneously, then stood together before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "We can admit you to Heaven," said Saint Peter, "provided that you did something worthwhile during your time on Earth." A man in his mid-fifties stepped forward and said, “During my time on Earth, I was an emergency room physician. I saved the lives of a great many people who might otherwise have died from trauma. I certainly consider that to be worthwhile.” Saint Peter consulted the Book of Life. He then addressed the physician. “We can admit you to Heaven. Enter and be welcomed.” The physician entered Heaven. A woman in her early forties stepped forward and said, “During my time on Earth, I was a hospice nurse. I provided comfort to a great many people who might otherwise have lived out their final days in misery. I certainly consider that to be worthwhile.” Again, Saint Peter consulted the Book of Life. He then addressed the hospice nurse. “We can admit you to Heaven. Enter and be welcomed.” The hospice nurse entered Heaven. A man in his late thirties stepped forward and said, “During my time on Earth, I was the manager of a health maintenance organization. I kept it profitable for ten years running and, as a result, a great many people who might otherwise have been unable to afford it received health care. I certainly consider that to be worthwhile.” Again, Saint Peter consulted the Book of Life. After which he got out paper, pencil, and a calculator. After much figuring, he addressed the HMO manager. “We can admit you to Heaven. But
only for five days.”
For the younger set: Adapted from the comic strip “Rebel”. Every school day during math period, an elementary grade teacher would present to one unfortunate student a complicated oral word problem as a test of that pupil’s ability to think quickly. Tommy was next up in the rotation. “Today’s mathematics word problem goes to… Tommy,” said the teacher. Tommy groaned… and prepared for the worst. Though he tried his best, he could never follow his teacher’s rapid-fire banter. “Let us imagine that farmer Brown has picked eighteen bushels of radishes from his fields. He takes them into town and sells four bushels to one produce wholesaler, six to a second wholesaler, and five to a third. But all of this work makes him so hungry, he eats half a bushel of the radishes that remain. Question: What does farmer Brown have now?” Tommy stood by his desk to give his answer. “Heartburn?”
All-Time Classic: Grand Master’s note: The following classic is a bit stale and – as you will see from the characters and situations – a bit dated. Nevertheless, I have decided to present this particular version of this classic joke for two reasons: 1) of the several versions of this joke that I have heard, this one is the funniest; and 2) I wrote this version. And so, for those of you who have never heard any version of this classic joke… Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, a homeless man, and a minister are passengers aboard a charter jet. All at once, the craft begins to plummet Earthward. Two minutes later, the pilot’s voice is heard over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. I regret to inform you that both engines have malfunctioned and the plane is doomed to crash. Unfortunately, only five parachutes were brought aboard. You five passengers will have to decide who among you will get the four remaining parachutes, as I have already used one to bail out of the plane. This is a recording." Al Gore steps forward and says, "I'm Al Gore. I'm entitled to one of the parachutes because I invented them shortly after I invented the Internet." Al Gore bails out of the plane. Bill Clinton steps forward and says, "I'm Bill Clinton. As President of the United States, I am responsible for the lives of all 270 million Americans. Consequently, I must see to your safety before I see to my own." "But, but, Mr. President," notes the minister, "you've just donned one of the parachutes and are preparing to bail out." "I know," responds the President. "You people just never will get a clue, will you?" Bill Clinton bails out of the plane. Hillary Clinton steps forward and says (in the coldest of tones), "I'm Hillary Clinton. The press has called me the smartest woman in the world, and with good reason. And because I am the smartest woman in the world, I am entitled to one of the parachutes." Hillary Clinton bails out of the plane. Now, only two people remain aboard the doomed aircraft: The minister and the homeless man. "My son," says the minister to the homeless man, "you take the last parachute and bail out to safety. I will put my faith in the Lord. Whatever happens to me will be as God wills." "Relax, father," says the homeless man. "There's no need to be melodramatic. The fact of the matter is… we're both going to be okay." "What do you mean, my son?" says the minister. "Well, you know that Hillary Clinton?
The smartest woman in the world? She just bailed out of the plane
wearing
my knapsack."
For the week beginning April 29, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#80
Joke of the Week: Just before takeoff, an airline stewardess walked up and down the aisles, confirming the passengers’ seating. She found only a single discrepancy. One woman was sitting in the first-class section, even though she had purchased only a coach ticket. The stewardess politely asked the woman to take her correct seat in the coach section. “No way,” said the woman, who happened to be a blonde. “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. And I’m not moving.” The stewardess summoned the purser, and advised him of the situation. The purser said that he would take care of the matter. Patiently, the purser explained to the blonde that a coach passenger could not sit in the first-class section, and politely asked her to take her correct seat in the coach section. “No way,” said the blonde. “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. And I’m not moving.” The purser got on the intercom and informed the captain that they had an unruly passenger on their hands. The captain went back to confer with the purser and the stewardess. “What seems to be the problem here?” asked the captain. “It’s that woman over there,” said the stewardess, indicating the recalcitrant blonde. “As you can see, she’s sitting in the first-class section, but has purchased only a coach ticket. Every time we ask her to take her correct seat in coach, she says, ‘No way. I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. And I’m not moving.’.” “Don’t worry,” said the captain. “As it happens, I'm married to a blonde, so I know just what to do.” The captain went over to the blonde and whispered something in her ear. Immediately, the blonde jumped up frantically and said, “What? Well, for crying out loud! Why didn’t somebody tell me?” As quickly as she could, the blonde scooped up her carry-on bag and ran to the coach section. She found and took her correct seat in coach. “Good grief,” said the astonished purser to the captain. “What on Earth did you say to her?” “Nothing much,” said the captain. “I just
told her that, on this flight, only the coach section of the plane is going
to New York.”
For the younger set: A young boy came home from school burning mad. "I'm not going back to school tomorrow!" he declared, in no uncertain terms. "What do you mean you're not going back to school tomorrow?” asked his mother. "Well, here's how it is. On Monday, the teacher told me that four and four make eight. On Tuesday, she told me the five and three make eight. On Wednesday, she told me that six and two make eight. And today, she told me that seven and one make eight." "And?" prompted his bewildered mother. "And I'm not going back until she makes
up her mind!"
All-Time Classic: A sixty year-old man was waiting in his Buick for another car to pull out of a storefront parking space. As soon as the other car was out of the way, the man started to move towards the now-open space… …when suddenly, from out of nowhere, a twenty year-old kid in a souped-up, custom-built hot rod roared into the parking space, almost hitting the older man’s Buick. As the hot-rodder jumped out of his vehicle, the older man said, “Excuse me, young man. I was next in line for that parking space.” To which the cocky youth replied, “Hey, what can I tell you, pop? I’m younger... and faster.” The older man put his car into reverse, backed up about ten feet, put his car back into drive, jammed on the accelerator, and rammed his Buick into the back end of the younger man’s vehicle. The front end of the Buick suffered only minor body damage. But the back end of the souped-up, custom-built hot rod was now scrunched in like an accordion. The enraged hot-rodder shouted, “You crazy old man! You wrecked my rod!” To which the older man replied, “Hey, what
can I tell you, sonny? I’m older... and I have more insurance.”
For the week beginning April 22, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#79
Joke of the Week: The Devil built a fence between Heaven and Hell. True to his devilish nature, he erected the fence on Heaven’s side of the property line. God demanded of the Devil that he remove the fence from Heaven’s property. The Devil refused. “I’ll take you to court and force you to remove the fence,” threatened God. To which the Devil retorted, “Oh, yeah?
And where do you suppose you’re going to find a lawyer?”
For the younger set: Timmy: Mommy, can I have two quarters for the man outside who’s crying? Mommy: Oh, I suppose so. Here you are. But… what is the man crying about? Timmy: Ice cream!! Fifty cents!!
All-Time Classic:
Food classics:
Robert: I eat mashed potatoes with my left hand. Thomas: Is that so? I use a
fork, myself; but, to each his own.
At an upper-crust dinner party, the hostess asked one of her guests, "How did you find your steak?" "By accident. I lifted up the baked
potato - and there it was."
Diner: Waiter, your thumb is on my pork chop. Remove it this instant! Waiter: What? And drop it again?
For the week beginning April 15, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#78
In honor of Easter Sunday, this week’s
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features religious humor.
Joke of the Week: As worship services drew to a close, the pastor told his congregation, “Before we conclude this week’s services, I want to tell you something about next week’s services. Next Sunday, I will be delivering a sermon on the subject of honesty. However, for you to understand next week’s sermon, it will be necessary for you to read Chapter 17 of the Book of Mark. So, how many of you will promise to read Chapter 17 of the Book of Mark before next Sunday?” Naturally, everyone in the congregation raised their hands. “Wonderful. Thank you very much, people,” said the pastor. “May God bless you all, and we will see you next week.” At one point during the following Sunday’s services, the pastor said to his congregation, “All right, people. Last week, I shamelessly secured your promise to read Chapter 17 of the Book of Mark before today’s services. I told you that it would be necessary for you to do so if you were to understand today’s sermon on the subject of honesty. Now then, how many of you actually read Chapter 17 of the Book of Mark, as you promised?” Naturally, everyone in the congregation raised their hands. “That’s very interesting, people. Considering
that the Book of Mark has only… sixteen chapters. I now will deliver
my sermon on the subject of honesty.”
For the younger set: While the family drove home from church, a father and mother asked their two young children what they had learned that day in Sunday School. “We learned about a cross-eyed bear,” said young Jimmy. “A cross-eyed bear?” asked the dumbfounded father. “Yes,” confirmed little Sally. “The bear’s name was ‘Gladly’.” “Gladly?” asked the equally dumbfounded mother. “Yes, we sang a song about it. The
song went, “Gladly, the Cross I’d Bear…”
All-Time Classic: Ted was seated in a stadium watching a football game. About two minutes into the first quarter, his friend Dan showed up and sat down next to him. “Where have you been?” asked Ted. “You missed the opening kickoff.” “I couldn’t choose between attending the game or going to church. So I decided to settle the matter by the flip of a coin.” “Why would that make you so late?” “Well, for crying out loud, I had to flip
the thing twenty-four times.”
For the week beginning April 8, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#77
Joke of the Week: A wife called her husband on his car cell phone. “Honey, be careful,” said the wife in frantic tones. “I just heard a bulletin on the radio. Some idiot is driving the wrong way down the very highway you’re taking to work.” To which her husband said, “Heck, it’s
not just one idiot. There are hundreds of them!”
For the younger set: A baby camel asked his mother, “Mommy, why do we have three big toes?” And the mother camel replied, “So that we can traverse the desert without sinking into the sand.” “Mommy, why do we have two big eyebrows?” “To keep the blowing sand from getting into our eyes.” “Mommy, why do we have two big humps?” “So that we can store water within them, and thus go many days without water.” “Mommy, what good does all of that do us
in the San Diego Zoo?”
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! Why did the Soviet commissar travel from Moscow, Russia to Warsaw, Poland to get meat? He had no choice. That was where
the line ended.
For the week beginning April 1, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#76
In honor of April Fools Day, this week’s
edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features three pranks.
Joke of the Week: Here is an interesting prank that you can play on a friend. And, if you are smart enough not to confess to masterminding it, he still will be your friend. How it works is, get a plastic bucket and fill it with water. Then, set it on top of a half-open door. Everything is now in readiness to pull off the classic practical joke. Ah, but the thing is, you make the setup so obvious that your friend cannot help but notice that there is a bucket on top of the door. Your friend, of course, is too smart for you. He will not step into your silly little trap. Instead, he will enter his home through the back door, get a stepladder, take down the bucket, and dispose of the water by pouring it into the sink. Like I said, your friend is too smart for you. What will be interesting to see is if he is smart enough to check under the cabinet to see if anybody disconnected the drainpipe. Hee, hee, hee.
For the younger set: Here is a classic prank to pull on one of your friends: First, make sure that your friend is wearing a tailed shirt; that is, one that has to be tucked into his pants at both front and back. Go up to your friend and – in an excited voice - say, "Hey (friend's name), your shirt is on fire!" Naturally, he will respond, "Huh? What?! Where?! Where?!" Immediately, you go for his shirt and pull out the tail at the back. After which you say, "Don't worry. Now it's OUT!" Get it? Hee, hee, hee.
All-Time Classic: Here is an all-time classic phone prank. You will need to recruit about ten or twelve of your friends to help you with this one. Also, you will need to make the calls from a number of pay phones instead of anyone’s home phone. Caller ID and all that. First, obtain the home telephone number of the “mark” (the person on whom you are playing the prank). Beginning at about 10:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning, have friend number one call the mark from a pay phone and ask, "May I speak to Murph, please?" Naturally, the mark will say, "There's no one named Murph here." Your friend then apologizes for the ring, and hangs up. Thirty minutes later, have friend number two call the mark, only from a different pay phone. Like the first caller, the second caller asks for Murph, is informed that there is no one named Murph at the number he dialed, whereupon he apologizes for the ring, and hangs up. Friend number three makes the same call thirty minutes later, friend number four thirty minutes after that, and so on. With each successive call, the mark will become increasingly irritated. You will be able to hear it in his voice. Finally, around about 4:00 p.m., the last caller (you) calls the mark and says, "Hello, this is Murph. Any calls for me?" Hee, hee, hee.
For the week beginning March 25, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#75
Joke of the Week: Adapted from the comic strip “Briney Deep”. A fight promoter was in a quandary. He had set up a single elimination tournament, but one of the boxers had to drop out due to an attack of appendicitis. That left him with only fifteen fighters to fill the sixteen slots. He knew that he could not give one boxer a bye, because the others would claim that it was unfair. Neither could he reduce the field to eight boxers, because those who were eliminated would - again - claim that it was unfair. In other words, no matter what he did, he was going to have several heavyweight prizefighters mad at him. And that is not conducive to one's good health. Fortunately for the promoter, two sailors came along. One was of average height and build. But the other was a tall, broad-chested, muscular man; unquestionably a heavyweight. The fight promoter went up to the bigger sailor. "Hey, sailor. Tell me something. Have you ever boxed before?" "Duh, sure. When I worked on the loading dock, I had to box a lot of things." "No, no, no. What I mean is, have you ever done any prizefighting?" "Duh, sure. I've fought in the ring before." "Perfect. How would you like a chance to earn some big money?" "Duh, how?" "Enter my boxing tournament. The winner gets a trophy and a purse of ten thousand dollars." "Duh, what would I have to do?" "All you have to do is beat the other fifteen guys, and the prize is yours." Later, the two sailors started back towards their ship. The big guy held in his hands the trophy. In his pocket was the ten thousand dollars. "Joe," said the bigger sailor's friend, "I don't think you did that the right way." "Duh, what do you mean? I beat the other fifteen guys like he told me to." "Granted. But I'm pretty sure he
meant one at a time."
For the younger set:
A few “red” classics:
Question: If you took a white hat and dropped it into the Red Sea, what would it become? Answer: Wet.
Question: What’s big, red, and eats rocks? Answer: A big, red, rock eater.
True fact: Many fire departments are now painting their fire engines a bright yellowish green in lieu of traditional red in order to give their units greater visibility. That innovation, coupled with the collapse of the Soviet Union, soon will render obsolete the following classic: Mark: Hey, Kenny. Do you know why fire engines are red? Kenny: No, why? Mark: Because they’re always Russian. Kenny: Russian? Mark: Yeah. Rushin’ to this
fire over here, then rushin’ to that fire over there…
All-Time Classic: What follows is an all-time classic question designed to test your analytical abilities. Read carefully. An airplane of British registry is being flown by a French crew and conveying German passengers. The plane crashes on the U.S.-Canada border. Question: Where do you bury the survivors? Do not look at the answer just yet. Give the question some thought. Okay, now look. Answer: You do not bury the survivors.
They survived!
For the week beginning March 18, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#74
Joke of the Week: A Texas Aggie came across an ancient Arabic oil lamp. When he rubbed it, a magic genie appeared. “I am the genie of the lamp. I will grant you one wish.” The Aggie started visualizing the incredible wealth he was about to receive. “Oh, boy, oh, boy,” said the Aggie. “I’m gonna be rich. And just think. My father was always telling me that I was such a nitwit, I’d never amount to anything. Well, I’m about to prove him wrong. Too bad he’s in Houston right now, because I sure wish he was here to see this.” “You called, son?”
For the younger set: An elementary school teacher prepared a mathematics problem for her pupils. 'All right, students,” said the teacher. “During this morning’s science period, we discussed the concept of the Leap Year. Today’s mathematics problem will tie in to that lesson. The problem for you to solve is, ‘How many seconds are there in a Leap Year?’ Let’s see how long it takes you to come up with the correct answer. And, as always, show your work.” The teacher leaned back in her chair to take a much-needed breather. She figured that it would take the best math student in her class at least five minutes to do the necessary long multiplication. Consequently, she was surprised when one of her students indicated that he come up with the correct answer after only one minute. Even more to her surprise, the student in question was Danny Johnson, a boy who consistently got D’s and F’s in math. The teacher motioned for Danny to come forward and to bring his paper with him. “Danny," asked the astounded teacher, "am I to understand that you have come up with the correct answer already?” “Yes, ma’am,’ said Danny proudly. “Very well. What is the answer?” Beaming a broad smile, Danny read the figure off of his paper. “Twelve.” “Twelve?” “Sure,” said Danny. “There’s January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”
All-Time Classic: A man walked up to the ticket booth in Grand Central Station in New York City. He told the ticket agent that he wanted a round-trip ticket for Niagara Falls. "Would you like to go by Buffalo?" asked the ticket agent. "No," replied the man. "I want to
go by train."
For the week beginning March 11, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#73
In honor of St. Patrick's Day (March 17),
this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features all Irish humor.
Joke of the Week: This story is about one Mickey O'Reilly, a husky youth who was reputed to be the strongest man in all of Ireland. One fine day, Mickey is walking along the moors when he sees his friend Paddington in a peat bog up to his chest. "Mickey," cries Paddington. "Thank the Lord you came by. Quick, you've got to pull me out of this peat bog or I'm doomed to drown." "No problem, Paddy," replies Mickey. "I'll have ye outta there in two shakes. After all, I'm Mickey O'Reilly, and I'm the strongest man in all of Ireland." So saying, Mickey positions himself by the edge of the peat bog. He gets a firm grip on Paddinton's arm, pulls with all his might, and... nothing happens. Mickey spreads his feet a little farther apart, re-establishes his grip on Paddington's arm, pulls with all his might, and... again, nothing happens. For the next half hour, Mickey pulls and pulls, but cannot get his friend out of the peat bog. Finally, Mickey collapses in a heap, exhausted. "I'm sorry, Paddy. I canna get ye outta the peat bog. I'm afraid yer doomed to drown. This is terrible. It's gonna ruin me reputation for bein' the strongest man in all of Ireland." "Mickey, I got an idea," says Paddy.
"Do ye think it would help if I took me feet out of the stirrups?"
For the younger set: Brannigan, the factory foreman, was waiting at the front gate, steaming mad. One of his workers was late getting back from lunch hour. "Explain yerself, Flannigan!", demanded Brannigan. "Why are ye thirty minutes late gettin' back from lunch?" "I went and got me hair cut," replied Flannigan, as he removed his cap. "See?" "That’s very nice, Flannigan. Only ye shouldn't be gettin' your hair cut on company time!" "And why not? I grew it on company time." Momentarily taken aback by Flannigan’s comeback, Brannigan recovered and said, "Well, ye didn't grow all of it on company time, now did ye?" "Well, I didn't get it all cut,
now did I?"
All-Time Classic: Smith went up to O’Brien and asked, “Is it true what I hear, that Irishmen always answer questions with questions?” To which O’Brien replied, “Ah, who’s been
tellin’ ye that malarkey?”
For the week beginning March 4, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#72
Joke of the Week: The Legion of Super Heroes was in the process of interviewing new recruits to join their ranks. “All right,” said Cosmic Boy to the first prospect, “Who are you, and what are your powers?” “I’m Déjà Vu Boy. I have the power to make past events happen again.” Cosmic Boy was skeptical, to say the least. “Yeah, right. Do you take me for a fool? What you profess to be able to do is not possible. Go on, get out of here!” The first prospect leaves the room. “All right,” said Cosmic Boy to the second prospect, “Who are you, and what are your powers?” “I’m Déjà Vu Boy. I
have the power to make past events happen again.”
For the younger set: Here is a classic pun gag to pull on your friends. Go up to one of your friends and ask, "If frozen water is iced water, and frozen milk is iced milk, then what is frozen ink?" If your friend is a rube, he will respond, "Iced ink." You then say quickly, "You stink? Hey, no argument from me." Get it? Hee, hee, hee.
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic: First, some background. In the old Soviet Union, the chief governing body was, ostensibly, the Supreme Soviet. In actuality, the Supreme Soviet was little more than a puppet parliament that gave its rubber-stamp approval to the edicts of the true holders of power, the high officials of the Soviet Communist Party. With that background, here is the joke: Josef Stalin is delivering a speech to the Supreme Soviet. At one point, one of the dignitaries sneezes - interrupting Stalin's speech in mid-sentence! "All right. Who sneezed? I demand to know!" shouts an angry Stalin. To no one's surprise, everybody in the audience clams up. "Guards!" roars Stalin. "Eliminate the first row!" At the command of Stalin, the guards step forward and machine-gun to death all of the dignitaries who happen to be seated in the first row. "I ask you again. Who sneezed? I demand to know!" Again, silence. "Guards! Eliminate the second row!" The guards step forward and machine-gun to death all of the dignitaries who happen to be seated in the second row. "I ask you again. Who sneezed? I demand to know!" Abruptly, a man in the 23rd row jumps up and yells, "Wait, comrade Stalin! No more! No more!" "Aha," says Stalin. "So, you are the one who interrupted my speech. You are the one who sneezed!" The trembling, terrified man, his eyes welling up with tears, shouts, "Yes, it was me, okay? I am the one who interrupted your speech, okay? I am the one who sneezed, okay?" Stalin says, "Gesundheit," and resumes
his speech.
For the week beginning February 25, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#71
In honor of the upcoming Texas Independence
Day celebration (March 2), this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week
features all Texas humor.
Joke of the Week: A Texas Aggie secured employment with a firewood company. His first day on the job, the husky youth cut four cords of wood in a single day using only a handsaw. This display of productivity pleased the owner of the firewood company. He promptly issued to the Aggie a chain saw, figuring that the strapping young man should be able to at least triple his output. The next day, the Aggie cut only half a cord of wood. He was called to the owner's office. "I issued you a chain saw," said the owner. "Why haven't you increased your output?" "Sir, I swear to you, I'm working harder than ever,” replied the Aggie. “But half a cord of wood is all I can cut in a day with the chain saw." Figuring that there might be something wrong with the chain saw, the owner told the Aggie to bring the tool to him for examination. First, the owner checked the gasoline tank. There was fuel in the tank. Next, he checked the oil reservoir. It was full of oil. Then, he tested the chain to see if it was properly tensioned. The amount of tension in the chain seemed correct. Finally, the owner pulled the starter cord. With a single pull, the chain saw roared to life. "Hey," said the Aggie. "What's that
noise?"
For the younger set: A Waxahachie joke: A Kansas family was driving southbound on Interstate Highway 35. In due course, they passed a sign indicating that they had reached the outskirts of the city of Waxahachie, Texas. “Daddy,’” asked one of the children, “how
do you say the
“'Wax-a-hatch-ee',” responded the father. “Are you sure, dear?” asked the mother. “I thought it was pronounced 'Walks-a-haw-chee'.” “Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I think I remember hearing it somewhere before.” “But with no “t” in the name, I don’t see
how it could be
The debate went back and forth for the next two minutes. Finally, the family pulled into the parking lot of a local fast-food restaurant. Inside the restaurant, they hoped to obtain not just something to eat, but also some information. Whoever was working the counter, they figured, surely would be an area resident and - therefore - someone who would know the correct pronunciation of 'Waxahachie'. The family went up to the counter. Standing behind the counter, ready to take their order, was a blonde. “Howdy, folks,” said the blonde. “May I take your order?” “Yes, in a minute,” said the father. “First, we need some information.” “What sort of information?” asked the blonde. “Well, could you tell us where we are, and pronounce the name very slowly?” “Okay,” said the blonde. “Burrrrgerrrr
Kinnng.”
All-Time Classic: This Texas classic is the ultimate “Ten-Gallon Hat” joke: The day’s work having come to an end, a ranch foreman sent one of the hands into town to bring back eleven gallons of beer for the men. The local tavern was the only business establishment in a sixty-five mile radius that sold beer. But, as luck would have it, the bartender had no bottled beer in stock that day. All he had was beer on tap. Moreover, he had no receptacles of any kind available; let alone one that was large enough to hold eleven gallons of beer. The ranch hand pondered the situation. After a few seconds, he came up with a brainstorm. "I have an idea. Sell me the beer on tap, and put it right here, in my ten-gallon hat." While the ranch hand held the hat, the bartender filled the ten-gallon hat with ten gallons of beer. Which is all that a ten-gallon hat can hold. "There's no room for the eleventh gallon," said the bartender. Again, the ranch hand pondered the situation. After a few seconds, he came up with another brainstorm. "I know what to do. Put the eleventh gallon right here, in the brim." The bartender did so. The ranch hand returned to the ranch, feeling insufferably pleased with himself at how cleverly he had solved the problem. The ranch hand presented himself to the foreman and said, "Well, here's the beer." "That's only one gallon of beer," said the foreman. "Where's the rest of it?" The ranch hand could not believe the foreman's stupidity. "Where do you think it is? The rest
of the beer is inside the hat. Here, see for yourself."
For the week beginning February 18, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#70
Joke of the Week: A truck driver is seated at the counter of a roadside café, eating his dinner. All at once, a dozen motorcycle hoodlums burst into the restaurant. The leader of the pack is in a nasty mood and spoiling for a fight. So he goes over to the truck driver and dumps the rest of the truck driver’s dinner onto the truck driver’s lap. He then pours the truck driver’s coffee over the truck driver’s head. The hood then steps back, puts up his dukes, and readies himself for what he hopes will be a whale of a good brawl. Instead, the truck driver walks calmly over to the checkout counter, pays his bill, leaves a tip for the waitress, and exits the restaurant. The hoodlum could not believe what he had just seen. He comments to the clerk at the checkout counter. “Did you see that?” asks the leader of the pack. “That little wuss didn't even try to fight. He ain’t much of a man, is he?” “He ain’t much of a truck driver, either,” comments the checkout clerk. “Huh? What do you mean by that?” asks the puzzled hood. “He just ran over a dozen motorcycles in
the parking lot.”
For the younger set: At the conclusion of his guest lecture on human personality quirks, a famed professor asked the assembled students if they had any questions. The first student asked, “Professor, is it true what I hear, that all professors are absent-minded?” “Actually, I was hoping that someone would ask me that. Because I can state categorically that that notion is sheer nonsense. Take me, for example. Have any of you seen me do, or heard me say, anything that would lend credence to that stereotype? Of course not. I know perfectly well who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. The very idea of all professors being absent-minded is unadulterated hogwash. Now, are there any other questions?” The second student asked, “Professor, is it true what I hear, that all professors are absent-minded?” “Actually, I was hoping that someone would
ask me that. It is completely ridiculous…”
All-Time Classic: Responding to a fire alarm, an engine company pulls up to a two-story house. The structure is fully involved, with flames shooting out of the windows. When the firemen fight their way into the living room, they see an Aggie seated in a large wingback chair. He is drinking brandy, apparently oblivious to the conflagration going on around him. The enraged fire captain goes up to the Aggie and demands to know, "Did you start this fire!?" "Certainly not," replies the Aggie coolly.
"The place was already on fire when I came in here."
For the week beginning February 11, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#69
Joke of the Week: A meek, bespectacled man enters a biker bar, leading an animal on a leash. The animal is a strange-looking sort of beast, to say the least. Built low to the ground, long-muzzled, paddle-footed, tailless, and orange in color. The man orders a Shirley Temple. A few minutes later, another man enters the biker bar. He is a burly sort, built like a professional wrestler. He also has an animal on a leash, a wiry Doberman pinscher, a veteran of the U.S. Army's K-9 Corps. The big man orders a Budweiser. After a few seconds, the tough guy notices the mild-mannered man's animal and says, "Hoo-eee. What do you call that thing? That's gotta be the weirdest-lookin' dog I've ever seen in my life. Ha, ha, ha." Arching his back indignantly, the meek man counters, "Well, sir, I will concede that my Percy here is not much on looks. But he is a good friend. He is very loyal - and very tough. Yes, sir, they do not come any tougher than my Percy." "You gotta be kiddin' me," shoots back the big guy. "My Bruno here is the toughest dog in the whole country. He could take on your 'Percy' with one paw tied behind his back!" "Well, sir, though I disdain to be argumentative, the simple fact is, my Percy could defeat your Bruno very easily. Take my word for it." The argument goes back and forth for the next five minutes. Finally, it is decided that the two animals will be pitted, one against the other, to determine objectively which of them is the toughest. Leading their respective animals, the two men step into the alley behind the bar. At the big man's signal, both animals are unleashed. Percy clamps Bruno in his jaws and snaps him in two. Percy then proceeds to consume Bruno completely. While Percy smacks his lips contentedly, the tough guy looks on in disbelief. "My God," says the big man. "What the heck kind of dog is that, anyway?" "Well, sir, I never said that my Percy
was a dog," replies the little man. "However, before I cut off his
tail and painted him orange, he used to be an alligator."
For the younger set: Here is a classic that all of you K-12 students should commit to memory and take to heart. Mr. Gray, a mechanical engineer, retired from an engineering firm after forty years of faithful service. Five years after his retirement, Mr. Gray was contacted by his former employer. It seemed that one of the firm’s machines had broken down. And the firm could not do without that particular machine, as it was vital to the company’s operations. But, despite their best efforts, no one on the firm’s engineering staff could fix the machine. Nor could any of the engineers brought in from outside agencies. And so, the company was calling the retired engineer in the desperate hope that he could help them. “Well, I don’t know that I want to come back to the firm,” said Mr. Gray. “I am retired, you know.” “You don’t have to come back as a full-time employee," said the company's president. "Come back as a private consultant just long enough to fix the machine. In lieu of a salary, you can charge a consultant’s fee.” “All right,” agreed the retired engineer. “I will come back on that basis and fix your machine.” The next morning, Mr. Gray arrived at his old firm and set straight to work. He examined the nonfunctioning machine. Inside of five minutes, the retired engineer had determined the cause of the breakdown. He replaced a small part, and the machine was up and running as good as new. The company's executive staff was both relieved and delighted; and they thanked Mr. Gray profusely. Later, Mr. Gray sent the firm a bill for his services as an engineering consultant - $50,000! The firm called the retired engineer to complain. They told him that his fee was outrageous. Mr. Gray countered that his fee was perfectly legitimate. In response, the firm demanded that he submit an itemized bill. The retired engineer said that he would be most happy to do so. The itemized bill was succinct and to the
point:
Replacing the broken part
$1
The moral of the story is: If you are the only person who has the answer, you cannot be denied. Study hard, kiddies.
All-Time Classic: Circus operator P.T. Barnum is famous for having said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” The following story, purportedly true, lends credence to that observation. P.T. Barnum’s circus included also a freak tent where one could see the dog-faced boy, the bearded lady, and other such human anomalies. There was, of course, a charge for admission. Making more money out of the exhibit meant getting more people in. But getting more people in meant getting those who already were in… out. Here is how Barnum is said to have facilitated that process. In one corner of the exhibit, there was a sign with an arrow pointing to a curtain. The words on the sign read, “This Way to the Fabulous Egress”. Naturally, with a build-up like that, who would not want to follow the arrow in order to see the fabulous egress? But the thing was, whenever anyone stepped through the curtain… …a door would close and lock behind him. Before the patron realized what was going on, he would find himself shut out of the exhibit. This meant that Barnum could now sell another ticket to another rube... uh, customer. And no, the patron who got suckered had no grounds to complain because no fraud was involved. “Egress”, you see, is just another way
of saying… “Exit”!
For the week beginning February 4, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#68
Joke of the Week: Shortly after the conclusion of the Gulf War, President George Bush (the elder) received a telephone call from Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. “Mr. President,” began the Iraqi despot, “I am calling because I want to tell you about a wonderful dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was standing on a mountain so high, I could look down on your entire nation. On every building, I saw a banner. On the banners, there were words.” “What words were on the banners?” inquired President Bush. “The banners all said, ‘Allah is God. And God is Saddam’. Ha, ha, ha.” “Well, I have the most amazing coincidence to report,” said President Bush. “I also had a wonderful dream last night. I also dreamt that I was standing on a mountain so high, I could look down on your entire nation. I also dreamt that on every building – the ones still standing – I saw a banner. On the banners, there were words.” “What words were on the banners?” inquired president Hussein. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I
don’t read Hebrew.”
For the younger set: A woman woke up her husband at 3:00 in the morning. "John," said the woman, "I hear a mouse squeaking." "Okay, okay," said her sleepy husband.
"I'll get up and oil it first thing in the morning."
All-Time Classic:
Some medical classics:
Patient (with broken arm in cast): Doctor, when my arm heals, will I be able to play the violin? Doctor: Of course you will. Patient: That's funny. I never
could before.
Wife of absent-minded man: Honey, the doctor's here to see you. Absent-minded man: Tell him I can't
see him. I'm sick.
A man went to the hospital to visit his injured friend. His friend was laid up in a hospital bed, his right leg in a cast. “What happened to you?” asked the man. “I broke my leg in three places," replied his friend. “Well, if I were you, I’d stay out of those
places.”
For the week beginning January 28, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#67
Joke of the Week: How dumb are criminals? Read these true accounts, and then you tell me. Two burglars were removing property from a house. At one point, they got into an argument as to whether or not they should steal the grand piano. Their argument became so loud it woke up the neighbors, who called the police. Addendum to the above: Before the police arrived on the scene, the burglars settled their argument and decided to steal the grand piano. Unfortunately, the piano was so heavy that it caused their getaway truck to sink into the mud up to the axles. A group of five prisoners, linked together in a chain by handcuffs at the wrists, saw an opportunity and bolted for freedom. When they encountered a lamppost, they went around the left side of the lamppost. At least, some of them did. Seeking a heavy object with which to break
a storefront window, a smash-and-grab burglar pulled the cover off of a
manhole. He hurled the manhole cover like a discus into the window.
Unfortunately, per Newton's Third Law of Motion, the action of throwing
the heavy manhole cover forwards caused him to stumble backwards.
He ended up falling - guess where? - into the very manhole that he himself
had just uncovered.
For the younger set: A nautical classic: While on a sea cruise, two elderly women went up to the captain. One of them asked the skipper, “Hey, sonny. How many miles per hour does this ship go?” Patiently, the captain replied, “Madam, this ship does not go miles per hour. It goes knots.” The questioner then turned to her friend
and said, “Well, how do you like that, Sadie? Of all the cruise ships
in the world, we end up aboard the one that goes knots.”
All-Time Classic: A mountain guide leading a column of tourists came to a stop at a particular juncture. "Folks, we're coming to a rather tricky part of the trail, so I advise you to be very cautious. However, should you happen to fall off, look to the north.” "Why?" asked one of the tourists. "Because I promise you'll never see a sight
like that again in your life."
For the week beginning January 21, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#66
Joke of the Week: Two condemned murderers were brought to the death chamber. The warden asked the first killer if he had any last requests. The first murderer said, “Well, if I have to go, I’d like to hear my three favorite songs before I do.” “And what are your three favorite songs?” “‘The Hokey-Pokey’, ’The Girl from Ipanema’, and the ‘Macarena’.” “Well, I think we can accommodate you,” replied the warden. He then turned to the second killer and asked, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” said the second murderer. “Kill
me first.”
For the younger set:
A couple of wooden leg classics:
Desk Sergeant (calling Chief of Police): Chief, I have a woman here who says she’s being bothered by a man with a wooden leg by the name of Smith. What should I do? Chief of Police: Find out the name
of his other leg.
Henry: My sister was once engaged to a man with a wooden leg. But she broke it off. Pete: The engagement? Henry: No, the leg.
All-Time Classic:
A couple of cannibal classics:
A cannibal arrives at the house of his friend and fellow cannibal an hour late for dinner. "I am very sorry," said the guest. "I was unavoidably detained. Am I too late for dinner?" "I'm afraid so," said the host. "Everyone's
eaten."
One cannibal said to the other, "Do you know anything about the Christian religion?" "Well, when the last missionary came through
these parts, we got a taste of it."
For the week beginning January 14, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#65
Joke of the Week:
A bunch of lawyer classics:
What is the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer drags out a case for years.
But a good lawyer can drag out a case for decades.
Question: How is it that lawyers can swim with the sharks and not get eaten? Answer: Sharks never eat lawyers.
This is an example of what is called "professional courtesy".
The following has to be the ultimate lawyer joke: Question: How come no one laughs at lawyer jokes? Answer: Those who are attorneys do
not consider them to be funny. Those who are not do not consider
them to be jokes.
For the younger set:
Some animal classics:
What do you do with a crying whale? Tell it to stop blubbering!
Why can you not win a race against a kangaroo? Because he always has the jump on you!
How do porcupines kiss? Very, very, carefully!
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! This classic is one of the earliest examples of what is now called “spin doctoring”. The Americans and the Russians competed in a head-to-head track meet in the Los Angeles Coliseum. Naturally, the Americans beat the Russians quite handily. Headlines in the next day's edition of Pravda truthfully proclaimed: BIG TRACK MEET HELD IN UNITED STATES!
End of story.
For the week beginning January 7, 2001 Flash's Joke Set
#64
Joke of the Week: Adapted from Dave Berg: A man returned to work after New Year’s Day, despite a splitting headache. “Oh, man. I think I should have stayed home and called in sick. I still haven’t recovered. My head hurts, my eyes are bleary, and I’m still having dizzy spells.” “You must have really tied one on over the holidays,” commented a co-worker. “What are you talking about? You know I don’t drink.” “Come off it. You obviously saw the punch bowl one too many times.” “No, I’ve never seen that one. But
I saw all the others. The Fiesta Bowl, the Gator Bowl, the Sun Bowl,
the Peach Bowl, the Rose Bowl, the Cotton Bowl… man, my head hurts!”
For the younger set: A classic: Three hard-of-hearing ladies were standing on a street corner, engaged in conversation. “Windy, isn’t it?” said the first. "No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s
all get a soda.”
All-Time Classic: An Aggie was down on his luck and desperate for money. So he kidnapped the young son of a wealthy man. He took the child to his hideout, and wrote a ransom note demanding $500,000 for the boy’s safe return. But just as he finished the letter, the Aggie suddenly realized that he had neglected to get the home address of the rich man. Consequently, he did not know where to mail the ransom note. Undaunted, the Aggie gave the note to the child with instructions to take it to his father and return with the money. Early the next morning, the child returned to the hideout with a satchel full of bills – and a note. The note read as follows: “Here’s your filthy money. And I
must say, this is a fine thing to do to a fellow Aggie.”
For the week beginning December 31, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#63
Joke of the Week: A poppa bear, a mama bear, and a baby bear were in divorce court. Poppa and mama were splitting up, and a decision had to be made regarding the custody of the minor child. The judge took the child aside, so that he could question him away from the parents. The judge asked the child, “Would you like to live with your father?” “No. He beats me all the time.” “I take it then you would prefer to live with your mother?” “No. She beats me all the time even worse.” “Well, you have to live somewhere.” “I could live with my aunt Bertha.” “And where does your aunt Bertha live?” “She lives in Chicago.” “Well, are you not concerned that she also will beat you?” “Heck, no. I heard somebody say that
Chicago Bears never beat anybody.”
For the younger set: A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her children. Suddenly, they found themselves cornered by a cat. Calmly, the mother mouse faced the cat and said, “Woof, woof.” The cat fled in fear. The mother mouse then turned to her offspring
and said, “Well, children. I hope this teaches you the value of knowing
a foreign language.”
All-Time Classic: An American Indian, having earned a scholarship to a trade school, left the reservation and headed for the city. He studied electrical engineering and eventually became a licensed electrical contractor. He returned to the reservation with the intention of helping his people to modernize. The very first thing he did was run a power line to the outhouse and install a lighting fixture, so that never again would his people have to go to the bathroom at night in the dark. He thus became the first Indian to... wire
a head for a reservation.
For the week beginning December 24, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#62
Joke of the Week: An ogre had trapped several little people,
intending to eat
He covered the elf with BBQ sauce and ate him. He covered the pixie with BBQ sauce and ate him. He covered the sprite with BBQ sauce and ate him. But the gnome he did not cover with BBQ sauce. He covered the gnome with hollandaise sauce and ate him. Why did he do that? Because there’s no place like gnome for
the hollandaise.
For the younger set: A young boy consistently got D’s and F’s in math, mainly due to an attitude problem. He simply showed no desire to learn the subject. His parents tried everything from peer mentoring to private tutoring. But nothing worked. He continued to get failing grades in math. In desperation, the parents tried the only thing left to try. They enrolled him in Catholic school. Immediately, they saw a change in their son’s attitude. Every day, he would come home and hit the books. He would take a break only long enough to wolf down his dinner. Then, it was back to the books until bedtime. Six months later, the parents were delighted to open their son’s report card to see that he had earned an ‘A’ in math. “Well, son,” said the boy’s father, “Enrolling you in Catholic school apparently did the trick. What brought about this change in attitude towards math?” “It was the discipline.” “Oh? What kind of discipline did they use on you?” “I wasn’t about to find out. All
over the place there were pictures of a guy who failed his math.
Him they nailed to a plus sign.”
All-Time Classic: No Christmas Eve would be complete without a recitation of this classic: A Russian named Rudolph Ivanova glanced out of the front window. He commented to his wife, “It’s raining.” His wife looked out of the window and said, “No, honey. It’s sleeting.” “No, dear,” said Rudolph. “It’s raining.” “No, honey. It’s sleeting.” “I tell you, it’s raining. And don't
tell me I'm wrong because… Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
For the week beginning December 17, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#61
Joke of the Week: Apprentice Barber (shaving customer): Sir, would you mind turning your head to the left? Customer: What, are you through shaving that side already? Apprentice Barber: Actually, no.
But I can’t stand the sight of blood.
For the younger set: Mr. Brown, a kindly shop owner, felt sorry for one of the neighborhood boys named Danny. There was a rumor going around that Danny was, well, a little slow, not very bright. Some of the older boys in the neighborhood took delight in playing mean tricks on Danny because of his reputed slowness. Every once in a while, a group of them would offer Danny the choice between a nickel and a dime. Danny would always take the nickel, declaring that it was better than a dime because it was bigger. Danny would then walk away, delighted with his nickel. But the second he was out of earshot, the neighborhood boys would laugh and howl unmercifully. Mr. Brown had eye-witnessed this cruel trick on a couple of occasions, and that was why he felt sorry for Danny. The next time he saw the older boys pull that nickel-and-dime trick on Danny, Mr. Brown could take no more. He called Danny into his shop. Mr. Brown sat Danny down to have a heartfelt talk with him. “Danny, listen to me. Having a dime is twice as good as having a nickel. It is not the size of the coin, it is what it buys that counts. Oh, Danny, don’t let those boys make a fool out of you. The next time they play that trick on you, you fool them instead. Take the dime, Danny. Will you trust me? Take the dime. Okay?” To this, Danny replied, “Mr. Brown, I understand
perfectly what you’re saying. But if I even once take the dime, they’ll
stop playing that trick on me. Get it?”
All-Time Classic: A Cold War classic! Note: This joke dates from the days before German reunification. A West German and an East German were fishing from opposite banks of a river bordering the two nations. The East German was having absolutely no luck. But the West German, on the bank directly opposite, was hauling in one fish after another. "Hey!" shouted the East German. "How come you're getting all ze fish? We're fishing in ze same spot, using ze same tackle, and using ze same bait." "Jawhol," replies the West German.
"But ze difference is, on your side of ze river, ze fish know better than
to open their mouths."
For the week beginning December 10, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#60
The theme for this week's joke set is "automobiles
and extremely stupid people".
Joke of the Week: In his last will and testament, a wealthy oil magnate bequeathed to his nephew, a Texas Aggie, one of the finest cars in his collection of antique automobiles: A 1951 Ford "Woody" station wagon, adorned with exquisite, mint condition, original equipment wood paneling. After the car was delivered to the Aggie's home, the Aggie got out a crowbar and pried off one of the sections of wood paneling, revealing the metal framework beneath. The Aggie pried off a second section of wood paneling, again, revealing the metal framework beneath. This went on for the better part of an hour. Eventually, the Aggie had ripped off every bit of the wood paneling from what was a mint condition antique vehicle. "Boy, that's strange," said the Aggie.
"It looked better before I took it out of the crate."
For the younger set: Did you hear the one about the two goony birds who went to the drive-in movie? Well, they did not like the movie, so they
slashed the seats.
All-Time Classic: A blonde called a locksmith on the phone, and told him that she had locked herself out of her car. The locksmith said that he had a backlog of calls to handle, so it would be about an hour before he could get to her. “No, you’ve got to come now,” pleaded
the blonde. “I’ve locked my keys in my Porsche. It’s starting
to rain. And the top’s down.”
For the week beginning December 3, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#59
Joke of the Week: In Las Vegas, a woman was having absolutely no luck at the roulette wheel. She confided in the cocktail waitress that she was both at her wits end and down to her last fifty dollars. “There is one thing you might try,” said the waitress. “I’ll try just about anything at this point,” said the woman. “Try playing numbers that are significant to you. For instance, some people play their age.” The woman thought about that and went back to the gaming area. A few minutes later, the cocktail waitress heard a scream. She ran into the gaming area. There, lying on the floor next to one of the roulette tables, was the very woman to whom she had been speaking just minutes before. A security officer was kneeling by her side, trying to revive her. “What happened?” asked the waitress of the croupier. “You got me. The woman came up to the table and put fifty dollars on number 29.” “And?” prompted the waitress. “And, when number 36 came up, she screamed
and fainted.”
For the younger set: A classic if ever there was one: A boy arrived home to face his father, who was livid with rage. “Young man, you know perfectly well that you are supposed to come home immediately when called,” said the boy’s father. “But on and off for the last hour, I have been out here yelling my head off for you. You’re grounded for a week.” “But, Dad,” protested the boy, “that’s
not fair. The first five times you called, I didn’t hear you.”
All-Time Classic: This has got to be the ultimate pun: A man entered a pun contest, with $10,000 being offered for the best original pun. The man sent in ten original puns, figuring that at least one of the ten should win him the prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
For the week beginning November 26, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#58
Joke of the Week: A man jogging on the beach stubs his toe on an object sticking out of the sand. The object turns out to be an ancient Arabian bottle. The man's toe has knocked the stopper off of the bottle, releasing the magic genie within. One would assume that the magic genie would be grateful to the man for freeing him. Instead, he is hopping mad. "You blaspheming dog! You kicked the stopper off of the bottle with your foot. For that offense, I ought to banish you to Hades." "Hey, look. It was an accident," said the man. "I simply didn't see your bottle at my feet." "Whether intentional or not, you have violated the sanctity of the bottle," said the magic genie. "Fortunately for you, the Code of the Caliphs forbids me from taking action against the person who frees me. Moreover, because you released me from the bottle, however disrespectfully, I am obligated to grant you three wishes. However, because you released me from the bottle in a disrespectful manner, I will give to the person you hate the most - your boss - twice whatever I give you. What do you want for your first wish?" "Well, I'd like 100 million dollars." "Fine," replied the genie. "Your bank account now has a balance of 100 million dollars. But your boss now has a balance of 200 million dollars. What do you want for your second wish?" "I'd like a Rolls Royce." "Fine," replied the genie. "You now own a Rolls Royce. But your boss now owns two Rolls Royces. What do you want for your third wish?" "For my third wish, I'd like to do something
magnanimous and charitable. Specifically, I'd like to donate... one
kidney."
For the younger set: Here is a gag to pull on your friends. It is based on a very famous historical pun. First, some background: Napoleon Bonaparte was emperor of France, yet he was not French. I kid you not. Napoleon’s parents were Corsican by nationality. That is a true historical fact. That fact forms the basis for the following pun: Go up to one of your friends and ask him or her, “Can you tell me the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte’s parents?” By the way, be sure that you ask the question precisely as I have written it, or the pun will not work. American education being what it is, your friend most likely will answer, “No.” Whereupon you ask him or her to ask to the same question of you. Remember, your friend also must ask the question precisely as I have written it, or the pun will not work. Your friend: “Can you tell me the
nationality of Napoleon
You (in confident tones): “Corsican!
You get it?
Get it? Hee, hee, hee. Naturally, every once in a rare while, you might run into somebody who knows the answer. If that is the case, handle it as follows: You: “Can you tell me the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte’s parents?” Historian: “Corsican.” You: “Well, you certainly sound confident. So, can you give me the answer?” Historian: “Corsican!” You: “Well, you sound like a man who knows. So, can you give me the answer?” Historian: “CORSICAN!!” Repeat ad infinitum (or as long as you
can get away with it).
All-Time Classic: As she walked down the street, a neighborhood lady saw a disturbing sight. There, sitting on the curb, was a boy who could not have been more than eleven – and who was in the process of smoking a cigar! The neighborhood lady felt that she had to say something. So she did. “Excuse me, little boy. Does your mother know that you smoke cigars?” “Hey, lady. Does your husband know
that you go around talking to strange men?”
For the week beginning November 19, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#57
With the Thanksgiving holiday coming up,
this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week presents Thanksgiving humor.
Joke of the Week: Adapted by me from MAD magazine: A man asked one of his friends if he had enjoyed his first Thanksgiving holiday with his new in-laws. "Ah, I wish you hadn't brought it up, man. That Thanksgiving dinner they served was freaky, man. It was realllllly freaky." "What was freaky about it?" "This is what was freaky about it. They fixed turkey and dressing. Giblet gravy and cranberry sauce. Mashed potatoes and candied yams. String beans and creamed corn. A relish tray and dinner rolls. Pumpkin pie and mince pie. It was freaky, man. It was realllllly freaky." "I don't understand," asked the man. "What was so freaky about that meal?" "Are you kidding, man? They threw
everything into the blender and served it from a punch bowl. It was
freaky, man. It was realllllly freaky."
For the younger set: Here is some advice on what to do after you overindulge on your Thanksgiving meal. Question: How can you get rid of ten pounds of ugly, useless fat in a hurry? Answer: Cut off your head.
All-Time Classic: The ultimate Thanksgiving classic: Mr. and Mrs. Smith were leery about attending their first Thanksgiving dinner cooked by their new daughter-in-law. Carol was a lovely girl - but not very skilled in the culinary arts. Their apprehension vanished quickly, however. The meal was excellent - especially the turkey. "I have to confess," said Mrs. Smith, "That was one of the best Thanksgiving meals I've ever eaten. I don't think I could have done better myself." "Thank you, mother Smith," said Carol sweetly. "I especially liked the stuffing," continued Mrs. Smith. "You simply must give me the recipe." "Stuffing?" asked Carol. "Yes, the stuffing. With what did you stuff the turkey?" "Oh, I didn't have to stuff the turkey.
It wasn't empty."
For the week beginning November 12, 2000 Flash's Joke Set
#56
With the Presidential election up in the
air, this week’s edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week presents more political
humor.
Joke of the Week: The following conversation, purportedly true, took place during the Eisenhower administration. President Eisenhower and the club pro were out on the course, playing a round of golf. On the 7th green, the President reached down for his ball, preparing to take a presumptive putt (a “gimme”). The club pro interceded. “Excuse me, sir. You can’t take a gimme on that putt, Mr. President.” “Oh? Why can't I?” “Well, you’re too far away from the hole, Mr. President.” “It looks close enough to me to take a gimme.” “You have to be much closer to the hole than that, Mr. President.” “You know, just the other day, I received a report from the Secretary of the Treasury. It seems that people who provide personal services have taken to not declaring their cash tip income on their tax returns, which both defrauds the government and forces other taxpayers to pay more than their fair share. The Secretary thinks I ought to look into the matter. What do you think?” “I think that’s a gimme, Mr. President.”
For the younger set: Adapted from "Berry's World". A teacher was talking to one of her pupils about the upcoming student body elections. "Johnny, as this will be your first time voting in the student body elections, let me give you instructions as to how to mark properly your ballot." “Oh, you don't have to do that. One of the candidates for class president already showed me how.” “What were you told? And by whom?” “Tommy Andrews said that if I wanted to vote for him for class president, I should put a great big ‘X’ next to his name on the ballot.” “I see. Well, suppose you don’t want to vote for Tommy Andrews for class president? Do you know what to do in that case?” “Sure. He said that in that case,
I should put a tiny little ‘x’ next to his name on
the ballot.”
All-Time Classic: During the Second World War, an American soldier was facing a court-martial. The facts of the ca |