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Flash's Joke of the Week
 
 
 

Each week, Flash's Joke of the Week presents a three-joke set consisting of one joke for general audiences, a second geared towards the younger set, and - as an added bonus - an All-Time Classic.  All jokes are guaranteed G-rated, suitable for reading by visitors of all ages.

Visitors are invited to log on each week for a new joke set; and to check out past joke sets, which are archived on this webpage.
 

For the week beginning June 8, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #190
 

Joke of the Week:

An official from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services approached an exhausted two-income couple and asked, “Is there anything that the government could do to help you regarding your child-care needs?”

“Well... you could lower taxes enough so that one of us could stay home with the children.”

“Besides that, I mean.”
 

For the younger set:

A few classic puns.
 

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

You get a slowpoke.
 

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.
 

Who won the race to the beach – the big wave or the little wave?

Neither.  They… tied.
 

All-Time Classic:

With my high school reunion coming up this week, I herewith present this all-time high school reunion classic.

A man attending his high school reunion went up to another man from his graduating class and shook his hand vigorously.

"Well, Tom Foreman, as I live and breathe.  It’s nice to see you again.  Well, you're sure looking good.  You used to be sort of heavy-set, but you've really trimmed down.  Also, I remember you as having blond hair, but I see that it’s kind of darkened.  You also look like you’ve grown three or four inches since graduation day.  And not only that…”

“Excuse me,” interrupted the other man.  “My name’s Mike Hudspeth.”

“Well, how about that.  You went and changed your name too!”
 
 

For the week beginning June 1, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #189
 

Joke of the Week:

One Saturday, a man was out in his front yard raking the leaves.  At one point, his neighbor came up to him and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?”

“Certainly,” said the man.  The neighbor took the chain saw and returned it later in the day.

The following Saturday, the man was out in his front yard mowing the lawn.  His neighbor came up to him again and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?”

“Sure,” said the man.  The neighbor took the chain saw and returned it later in the day.

This went on for the next ten Saturdays.

The man began to wonder if his neighbor was taking advantage of him.  It is one thing for a neighbor to borrow a tool two, three, or even four weekends in a row.  But twelve weekends in a row is quite another.  After all, wear and tear is put on a tool every time it is used, regardless of who is using it.  If his neighbor had that much clear-cutting to do, then by rights he ought to buy his own chain saw. 

On the thirteenth Saturday, the man’s neighbor came up to him yet again and asked, “May I borrow your chain saw?”

The man decided that enough was enough. 

“Well, actually, no,” replied the man.  “You see, I’m using my chain saw today.  As a matter of fact, I’m going to be using my chain saw all weekend.”

“Oh,” said the neighbor.  “In that case, may I borrow your golf clubs?”
 

For the younger set:

A woman was out in her front yard watering her flowers when she saw one of the neighborhood children walking her bicycle down the sidewalk.

“Debbie,” said the woman, “why are walking your bicycle instead of riding it?  Is it broken?”

“It sure is,” replied the girl.  “Every time I get on, it falls over.”
 

All-Time Classic:

True story.

Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were renowned English statesmen of the Victorian era.  However, Disraeli was a Tory and Gladstone was a Liberal.  The two men were the bitterest of rivals – personally as well as politically.

Once asked to define the difference between a misfortune and a calamity, Disraeli said, “If Gladstone fell into the Thames (river), that would be a misfortune; and if anybody pulled him out, that I suppose would be a calamity.”
 
 

For the week beginning May 25, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #188
 

Memorial Day 2003 will be observed on May 26.  In recognition of those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom (and of the fact that the war against terrorism will never end), this Memorial Day edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

First, some notes:  Saddam Hussein constantly was in fear for his life (gee whiz, I wonder why).  Therefore, any Iraqi man who bore a close physical resemblance to the Iraqi president would be conscripted to serve as a “body double”:  A decoy to fool spies or assassins.

On April 7, 2003, coalition forces dropped four 2,000-pound bombs onto a bunker where Saddam Hussein and his two sons were reported to be meeting.  Although their bodies have yet to be found, none of the three have since been seen.

With those notes, on with the joke:

Saddam Hussein’s body doubles were rounded up by armed Iraqi soldiers and taken to a secret location.  There, a high official from Saddam’s inner circle addressed them.

“Body doubles of our great leader.  I bear good news and bad news.  First, Saddam Hussein was not – I repeat, not – killed in the coalition bombing attack.  He is, in fact, alive.  I have seen him with my own eyes.  This means that your services as body doubles – to draw fire away from our exalted president and towards yourselves – still will be needed.  In other words – you all still have your jobs.”

If the body doubles were free to groan, they would have.

“What’s the good news?” asked one of the body doubles.

“Oh, that was the good news.  Here is the bad news.  Saddam Hussein survived the bombing as I said, but…”

“But what?”

“He lost both arms and both legs.  So…”
 

For the younger set:

A Flash Kellam original!

Muslim protest leader:  Every time we have a protest rally, we burn an American flag!

American:  Yeah?  Well, keep practicing.  You may yet figure out how to do it right.
 

All-Time Classic:

A serious note before I relate the classic.

In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, there were a number (a very small number, please note) of vigilante attacks on Muslims living in the United States. 

Vigilante action is to be discouraged, as it often results in harm being done to innocent parties.  In several cases, people who were attacked for being Muslims turned out actually to be Sikhs (pronounced “Seeks”). 

Sikhism is a sect of Hinduism, and has no connection whatsoever with Islam.  And far from being allies, Sikhs and Muslims have their own sets of disagreements - particularly on matters regarding proper food preparation.

The vigilante attacks on Sikhs largely were cases of mistaken headgear.  Let me give you a quick primer on the subject.

The headgear traditionally worn by Arabs is called a keffiyeh.  It consists of a white cloth held in place by elastic headbands called akals. 

The keffiyeh is a perfect example of form following function. The white cloth reflects sunlight; therefore, the keffiyeh does not absorb heat.  The white cloth protects the wearer’s head from the direct rays of the Sun.  The white cloth drapes down the back, shielding the nape of the wearer’s neck from the direct rays of the Sun.  In the event of a sandstorm, the white cloth can be pulled around to front and secured in the akals, thereby protecting the wearer’s mouth and nose from blowing sand.

In recent years, terrorists have found another use for the keffiyeh.  The white cloth enables them to signal their surrender to approaching armed forces.

But, I digress.

The headgear traditionally worn by Sikhs is called a dastar (turban).  Like many cultures in the region, Sikhs believe that males should keep their heads covered at all times.  Therefore, the wearing of the dastar is required of male Sikhs, and is optional for females.

The dastar has practical as well as religious functions.  Sikhs do not cut their hair (scalp, facial, or body).  Moreover, Sikhs regularly clean and comb their hair, lest it become dirty and matted.  The dastar makes controlling that much hair that much easier.

Since Sikhs do not cut their hair, over a lifetime their tresses can become quite voluminous.  Consequently, the dastars worn by Sikh elders tend to be huge.

With that primer, on with the classic:

An American-born man noticed that a new family was moving into the neighborhood.  The head of the household was a middle-aged, dark-skinned man wearing a large turban.

Concerned that the new arrivals might have terrorist ties, the American decided to go and find out for himself.

The American introduced himself to his new neighbor, and the two of them engaged in conversation.

At one point, completely from out of the blue, the American asked, “By the way, are you Muslim?”

“No,” said the new arrival.  “I am Sikh.”

“Oh, I see.  Do you need a doctor?”
 
 

For the week beginning May 18, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #187
 

Joke of the Week:

A blonde called an airline to book a flight to New York City.  After her reservation was confirmed, she asked if her pet Chihuahua could ride in the passenger section instead of being stowed in the cargo hold.

“Yes, ma’am," said the booking agent.  "Your pet can ride in the passenger section; however, there are certain conditions.”

“What conditions?” asked the blonde.

“First, there is a $50.00 charge for the privilege.”

“Okay.”

“Second, you must provide your own pet carrier."

“Okay.”

“Third, the animal must remain in the pet carrier at all times.”

“Okay.”

“Finally, the pet carrier must be large enough for the animal to stand, sit, turn around, and roll over.”

“Oh, no,” said the blonde.  “I can’t train him to do all of that by tomorrow night.”
 

For the younger set:

A math teacher noticed that one of her students was staring into space.

"Henry!” said the math teacher abruptly.  “Were you paying attention?”

“Uh, yes, ma’am,” replied Henry.

“We shall see.  If you were paying attention, then you should have no trouble answering the following question:  What are 38, 42, and 53?”

“Oh, heck, that’s easy,” said Henry.  “Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network.”
 

All-Time Classic:

Almost everyone is familiar with “Murphy’s Law”, which states that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.

There are many variations on “Murphy’s Law”.  The following are applicable to the dangerous profession of law enforcement.

Professional criminals are predictable.  Unfortunately, the vast majority of criminals are amateurs.

Domestic disputes almost always gravitate from areas with few weapons (the living room) to areas with many weapons (the kitchen), seldom the other way around.

The likelihood that your flashlight batteries will fail is directly proportional to your need for light.

Similarly, the likelihood that your radio batteries will fail is directly proportional to your need for backup.

Flash suppressors don’t; bulletproof vests aren’t.

If dispatch says that your backup is two minutes away, you’d better figure on ten minutes.

The amount of time that you are allotted to make a life-and-death decision is inversely proportional to the amount of time that the civilian review board allots itself to critique it.

The more proficiently that you do your job, the more likely that you will be sued.

If you park your unit in the middle of the Sahara Desert, not five minutes will pass before a civilian driver pulls his vehicle alongside of yours to ask for directions.
 
 

For the week beginning May 11, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #186
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is insects.
 

Joke of the Week:

A grasshopper hopped onto a bar stool, and from there to the top of the bar.

“Excuse me,” said the grasshopper to the bartender.  “I want to order something to drink, but I’m not exactly sure what I want.  Have you any suggestions?”

“Well,” said the bartender, “there is a drink named after you.”

“No kidding?  There’s a drink named Irving?”
 

For the younger set:

A classic.

What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
 

All-Time Classic:

From George Carlin.

If a fly is born without wings, is it called a walk?
 
 

For the week beginning May 4, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #185
 

Joke of the Week:

Four men - a mathematician, a statistician, an engineer, and a lawyer - all were asked the following question:  What is two plus two?

The mathematician said, “Four”.

The statistician said, “Four, plus or minus 1 percent.”

The engineer said, “Four, with a tolerance of .001.”

The lawyer said, “What do you want it to be?”
 

For the younger set:

Adapted from “Peanuts” by Charles Schulz.

Why does a vacuum cleaner make a lot of noise?

Well, if someone were pushing you across a carpet on your face, wouldn’t you make a lot of noise?
 

All-Time Classic:

An urban police chief is working at his desk when he receives a telephone call.

“Chief?  This is Harrison, Detective Division," says the man on the other end of the line.  "I, uh, have a problem here.”

“What is it?”

“Two of our patrol officers found a dead body at the intersection of Monongahela Boulevard and Allegheny Avenue.”

“And…?”

“And I can’t fill out the report because I don’t know how to spell either Monongahela or Allegheny.  What should I do?”

The Chief takes a moment to let out a snort of disgust.

“For crying out loud, Harrison.  Do I have to do all of the thinking around here?  Have the officers drag the body to First and Main – and then call you back.”
 
 

For the week beginning April 27, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #184
 

With the war in Iraq now beginning to wind down, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features some more terrorist humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

Iraqi military jokes.
 

Why does it cost half as much money to train an Iraqi fighter pilot as it does to train an American fighter pilot?

An Iraqi fighter pilot has to be taught only how to take off.
 

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass-bottom boats?

So that their sailors can see the Iraqi air force.
 

How do Iraqi soldiers perform calisthenics?

Step one:  They raise their arms above their heads. 

Step two:  They keep them there.
 

For the younger set:

Saddam Hussein beget two sons, whom he named Uday and Qusay. 

Now, they have new names.

Dead-ay and Gone-ay.
 

Why did the terrorist cross the road?

To be with the chickens on the other side.
 

How does one play Taliban bingo?

B-52… F-16… B-2…
 

All-Time Classic:

Here are some more jokes intended to ridicule the French (who deserve to be ridiculed for their refusal to support us in our efforts to defeat Saddam Hussein).
 

How can one tell which of several soldiers is the Frenchman?

Look for the guy with sunburns on his armpits.
 

How many gears does a French tank have?

Five.  Four reverse gears, plus one forward gear in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
 

What does one call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air?

The Army.
 
 

For the week beginning April 20, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #183
 

Joke of the Week:

Two American female track teams - one consisting entirely of brunettes, the other consisting entirely of blondes - had won their respective regional tournaments and now were in London, England for the international finals.

The two teams wanted to see the sights, so they chartered a double-decker bus.  The team of brunettes sat on the lower level, while the team of blondes sat on the upper level.

The members of the brunette team were enjoying themselves immensely.  They were laughing and singing and otherwise having a lot of fun.

In due course, one of the brunettes became aware that no such similar sounds of revelry were coming from the upper level.

Curious as to the silence, the brunette climbed the stairs to the upper level.  When she got there, she saw that every member of the blonde team was sitting rigidly in her seat, her hands gripping tightly the chair arms.  Each blonde's face was ashen, like that of a white-knuckle airplane passenger.

“C’mon, girls,” said the brunette.  “Let's try to lighten up a little, shall we?  Those of us on the lower level are having a great old time.”

“Easy for you to say,” said one of the blondes.  “Your level has a driver.”
 

For the younger set:

There is an obscure form of humor known as the “Tom Swifty”.

Tom Swifties were created by Edward Stratemeyer and are named for the cartoon strip character Tom Swift.

And just what is a Tom Swifty?  This is one of those things that is best explained by example.

Here are some classic Tom Swifties:

“I didn’t know that alligators had such sharp teeth,” said Tom, offhandedly.

“The surgeons removed my right auricle and my left ventricle,” said Tom, half-heartedly.

“I think I got a pretty good deal on those mirrors,” said Tom, on reflection.

“I am not a crook,” said Nixon, resignedly.
 

All-Time Classic:

True story. 

Wishing to let motorists know that it had both food and fuel for sale, a roadside restaurant and filling station erected a billboard bearing the following ill-considered words:

For the week beginning April 13, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #182
 

With April 15 coming up this week, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features tax humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

The Internal Revenue Service mailed to a tax protester a letter demanding that he pay immediately $4,000.00 in back taxes.

The tax protester mailed to the IRS the following reply:

“Dear IRS,

In response to your letter demanding payment of $4,000.00 in back taxes, I have sent to the military five hammers and a toilet seat. 

Sincerely yours,
 

Joe Protester

P.S.  Keep the change.”
 

For the younger set:

Why is the basic tax document called a Form 1040?

Because for every 50 dollars that you earn, you keep 10 and they take 40.

Remember that, kiddies.
 

All-Time Classic:

U.S. Simplified Income Tax Form (IRS proposal).

Line 1:  How much money did you make last year?  …  _______

Line 2:  Send it.  ………….……………………………….  _______
 
 

For the week beginning April 6, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #181
 

With the war in Iraq still ongoing, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features more terrorist humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

This joke takes place in the city of Baghdad at the conclusion of Operation Iraqi Freedom. 

To make a long story short, a group of Iraqi citizens had Saddam Hussein cornered in a blind alley.  The leader of the group, a well-respected imam (Holy man), demanded that Hussein surrender immediately, to be turned over to the coalition forces and prosecuted for war crimes.

“This is it,” muttered Hussein.  “I’m finished.”

“You are not finished yet,” said Allah.  “Pick up the brick at your feet.”

Hussein did so.

“Throw the brick at the imam,” said Allah.

Hussein did so.

The brick struck the imam in the forehead, knocking him unconscious.  He fell backwards and into the arms of his followers.

“Okay,” said Allah.  “Now you’re finished.”
 

For the younger set:

Terrorist leader:  For what nation will you fight?

Terrorist follower:  Iran.

Terrorist leader:  For what nation will you kill?

Terrorist follower:  Iran.

Terrorist leader:  So what did you do when you were ordered to attack an American military base?

Terrorist follower:  Iran.
 

All-Time Classic:

When the nation of Iraq fell, Saddam Hussein’s two sons - Uday and Qusay - fled to the United States.

One night, while walking along a dark country road, they were struck by a Cadillac that was being driven in a reckless manner and in excess of the speed limit.

Uday came through the vehicle’s windshield, and ended up in the back seat.

Qusay was knocked two hundred yards down the road.

The following week, the grand jury heard the evidence and handed down indictments.

Uday was charged with breaking and entering.

Qusay was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
 
 

For the week beginning March 30, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #180
 

Grand Master's note:  When push came to shove, the nation of France (which the United States rescued from tyranny in two World Wars, please note) chose to put its monetary interests above America's security needs.  Therefore, in this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week, the nation of France will receive double doses of the ridicule it so richly deserves.
 

Joke of the Week:

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows.  It’s never been tried.
 

Classified ad:

“French rifles for sale.  Mint condition.  Never been used.  Dropped only once.”
 

For the younger set:

Did you hear about the design for the new French flag?

It consists of a white dove and a white peace symbol on a white background.
 

Why did the Frenchman cross the road?

To appease the other side.
 

All-Time Classic:

Why doesn’t President Bush just tell the French to go to Hell?

Because the United States would just have to rescue them from there, too.
 

“Those of you Frenchmen who will volunteer to defend France, raise one arm.  Those of you who will not, raise both arms.”
 
 

For the week beginning March 23, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #179
 

With the war in Iraq now underway, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

First, a cultural note:  A Kukri sword is a heavy, forward-angled, single-edged combat sword.  It is used throughout the Middle East and the surrounding regions.

In an effort to obtain food, a PLO terrorist named Ahkmed stuck his finger into the nose of a fellow PLO terrorist named Ali, and started picking away.

Enraged, Ali pulled out a Kukri sword.

“You infidel!” roared Ali.  “If you stick your finger into my nose one more time, I am going to cut it off!”

“But Ali, “said Ahkmed.  “If you cut off your nose, what am I going to pick?”
 

For the younger set:

A Flash Kellam original!

Question:  What do terrorists call used Q-tips?

Answer:  Cotton candy.
 

All-Time Classic:

What happened when a number of Americans went to Iraq to serve as “human shields”?

Well, among other things, it raised the I.Q. level of both nations.
 
 

For the week beginning March 16, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #178
 

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day (March 17), this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features Irish humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

First, some notes:  What is called “gasoline” in the United States is called “petrol” in the United Kingdom.  A “front” is a phony business set up for illicit or clandestine purposes.  "IRA” refers to the Irish Republican Army. 

An Irish motorist pulled into a petrol station on the outskirts of Londonderry, Northern Ireland.

“Laddie,” said the motorist to the attendant, “I need forty litres of petrol.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the attendant.  “We don’t have any petrol for sale.”

“Aye?  Well, check me oil, anyway.”

“I’m sorry, sir.  We don’t have any motor oil for sale, either.”

“Well then, check me power steering fluid.”

“I’m sorry, sir.  We don’t have any power steering fluid for sale, either.”

“Give me some wiper fluid, then.”

“I’m sorry, sir.  We don’t have any wiper fluid for sale, either.”

“Can ye at least clean me windshield?” asked the motorist half-sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, sir.  We don’t have any glass cleaner.”

“Well, use some plain water, then,” said the frustrated motorist, irritation now becoming evident in his voice.

“I’m sorry, sir.  We don’t have a sponge.  We don’t have any paper towels.  We don’t even have any water.”

“For cryin’ out loud, mon!  What in the name of creation kind of a petrol station is this, anyway?!”

The attendant looked around carefully, and then whispered to the motorist.

“Well, sir, the truth of the matter is, this petrol station is a front for the IRA.”

“Aye?  Well, praise be the devil for that.  If nothing else, you’ll be able to blow up me tires.”
 

For the younger set:

A drunken Irishman boarded a commuter train.

“Excuse me,” asked the inebriated man of the conductor. 
“How long does it take for the commuter train to run from Cork to Limerick?”

“Oh, about an hour and fifteen minutes,” replied the conductor.

"And how long does it take for the commuter train to run from Limerick to Cork?”

“An hour and fifteen minutes,” said the irritated conductor.  “Why on Earth would ye suppose that the runnin' times would be different?”

“Well,” said the drunk, “there are only seven days between Christmas and New Year’s.  But… how many days are there between New Year’s and Christmas?”
 

All-Time Classic:

Inside an Irish pub, the mother of all donnybrooks was in full swing.  Forty men were throwing fists, bottles, and chairs with reckless abandon.

At the height of the commotion, Hannigan entered the pub.  He walked calmly past the battling rowdies and took a seat at the bar. 

“Excuse me," said Hannigan to the bartender.  "Is this a private brawl – or can anybody participate?”
 
 

For the week beginning March 9, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #177
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is jumping-off-of-a-building classics.
 

Joke of the Week:

Question:  What do you call 500 lawyers jumping off of a building?

Answer:  A good start.
 

For the younger set:

Marty:  I heard that a guy jumped off of a 25-story building – and survived without a scratch!

Sean:  That's impossible.

Marty:  No, it wasn't.  The fire escape was directly beneath him.  Yuk, yuk, yuk.
 

All-Time Classic:

Question:  If Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Kim Jung Il jumped off of a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

Answer:  Who cares?
 
 

For the week beginning March 2, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #176
 

As today is the 167th year of Texas Independence, the theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is Texas humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

Grand Master's note:  A “dude ranch” is a working cattle ranch that is operated in whole or in part as a vacation resort.  At a dude ranch, city folks can don their Stetsons, ride the range, and get a taste of cowboy life.

Interesting things happen when Texas-based dude ranches are visited by urbanites who live outside of the Lone Star State.

Case in point:

A Texas dude ranch operator went up to one of his ranch hands.

“Clem,” said the operator, “I think you'd better ride over to the south forty and check on the mules.”

“What's wrong, sir?” asked Clem.

“Not sure, really.  But that dude over there is tellin' everybody that he just shot a Texas-sized jackrabbit.”
 

Here is another dude ranch classic.

Question:  Why did the dude put a saddle on the stove?

Answer:  The dude ranch operator said that they would be riding the range today.
 

Finally, here is the ultimate dude ranch classic.

Dude (to dude ranch operator):  Well… to tell you the truth, I’ve never ridden a horse in my life.  So, I… uh… guess you’d better give me a horse that’s never been ridden.  That way, we can start even.
 

For the younger set:

A Texas classic.

They grow two varieties of peanuts in Texas.

They grow peanuts the size of pickup trucks. 

They grow also the large kind.
 

All-Time Classic:

The following is a combination Texas/terrorist joke.

First, an academic note:  In his classic treatise The Art of War, the philosopher Sun Tzu noted that there are five ways that a general can lead his men to ruin.  One of these is a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults.

Case in point:

A battalion of the Taliban army was camped in the high mountains of Afghanistan in the days following September 11, 2001.

All at once, from beyond a nearby ridge, a challenge was issued.

“Hey there, Mr. Taliban.  Want to come over here and play?  I’m just one Texan, but from what I’ve seen of your army, I’ll bet I can take on a hundred of you.”

Enraged, the Taliban commander ordered a hundred of his men to charge over the ridge.

Subsequently, the sounds of a huge gun battle were heard.  Then, after only a few minutes, all was silent.

“There,” said the Taliban commander.  “That takes care of that filthy dog of an American.”

Not quite.  From beyond the ridge, a new challenge was issued.

“Hey there, Mr. Taliban.  Want to come over here and try again?  I’m just one Texan, but after seeing your army in action, I’ll bet I can take on two hundred of you.”

Further enraged, the Taliban commander ordered two hundred of his men to charge over the ridge.

As before, the sounds of a huge gun battle were heard. 
Again, after only a few minutes, all was silent.

“There,” said the Taliban commander.  “That is the end of that dirty swine of an American.”

Not quite.  From beyond the ridge, yet another challenge was issued.

“Hey there, Mr. Taliban.  Want to come over here and try again?  I’m just one Texan, but if that last wave is any indication, I’ll bet I can take on three hundred of you.”

Enraged further still, the Taliban commander ordered three hundred of his men to charge over the ridge.

Again, the sounds of a huge gun battle were heard.

At the height of the skirmish, a wounded Taliban soldier from the third wave limped back to his own lines.

“Commander, wait,” shouted the wounded soldier.  “Do not send any more men over the ridge.  It is a trap!”

“A trap?  What do you mean?” asked the Taliban commander.

“Commander, you have been lied to from the very beginning.  Over that ridge, there actually are two Texans!”
 
 

For the week beginning February 23, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #175
 

Joke of the Week:

Adapted from a “Grin and Bear It” comic strip.

Mondo absurdo.

A man went to an auto dealership to look over the new models for 2004.

At one point, he got behind the wheel of a sedan to take a test drive.  Beside him, in the front passenger seat, sat the salesman.

The man turned the key in the ignition. Suddenly…

… a boxing glove on a steel spring leapt out of the steering column and punched the man squarely in his face.

Three minutes later - after the man had recovered from the shock - the apologetic salesman said, “I’m terribly sorry, sir.  I forgot to tell you about that.  It’s a new device that the government requires the manufacturer to install.  It’s purpose is to encourage you to fasten your seat belt.” 
 

For the younger set:

A classic.

“What’s your cat’s name?” asked Bart.

“Ben-Hur,” replied Jerry.

“How did it get a name like that?”

“We called it Ben – then it had kittens.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A man was eating his breakfast while reading the morning newspaper.

Suddenly, something that he read caused his eyes to bulge out like teacups.  His astonishment then turned quickly to anger.

The man ran to his telephone and put in a call to the newspaper.

“Daily Bugle,” answered the switchboard operator.  “How may I direct your call?”

“Give me obituaries,” said the man curtly.

A few seconds later, the connection was made.

“Obituaries.  Jones speaking,” replied the man in charge of death notices.

“Yeah, listen.  My name is Throckmorton P. Entwhistle.  Your obituaries column has my name listed in today’s edition!”

“May I ask you a question, Mr. Entwhistle?”

“Yeah.  What?”

“From where are you calling?” 
 
 

For the week beginning February 16, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #174
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is money.  All three jokes are classics.
 

Joke of the Week:

A blonde was asked the following ethical question:

“If you found a wallet with a million dollars in it, would you turn it in?”

“Well," pondered the blonde, "if they were poor people and needed the money, yes."
 

For the younger set:

Grandmother:  Now, Benny, if you behave yourself today, Granny will give you a shiny new nickel.

Benny:  You wouldn’t happen to have a dirty old dollar, would you?
 

All-Time Classic:

First, some cultural notes:  A “pub” (short for “public house”) is an English bar or tavern.  A “pound” (in full, “pound sterling”) is the basic monetary unit of Great Britain.  A "quid" is British slang for one pound sterling.

A London bank messenger was in big trouble.  He had lost a satchel full of the bank’s money.  If he did not find it – and fast – he would have to replace the money out of his own pocket.

The bank messenger stood in the doorway of a local pub.

“Lads, listen up,” said the messenger.  “I’ve lost a bank satchel with a hundred pounds in it.  I’ll give ten quid to the man that finds and returns it.”

The bank messenger then went on his way.

A few seconds later, one of the pub patrons said, “I’ll give twenty quid.”
 
 

For the week beginning February 9, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #173
 

Joke of the Week:

A man burst into a local tavern and shouted, “Quick!  Pour out five shots of your best whiskey!”

In response to the man’s urgent request, the bartender set five shot glasses on the bar and filled them with the finest - and most expensive - Scotch in the tavern.  The man downed the shots quickly, one after the other.

When the man was through, the bartender commented, “Holy mackerel!  I have never seen anyone down shots of whiskey so fast.”

“Well,” said the man, “you’d down them fast too, if you had what I have.”

“What’s that?”

“Fifteen cents.”
 

For the younger set:

First, some notes:  “Air Jordans” are a popular brand of basketball shoes.  “The Man” is slang for the police.  To “put the arm on someone” means to arrest him.  “B-ball” is slang for basketball.  “Shuck and jive” is slang for nonsense.  “Midnight basketball” is a youth program that allows teens to play organized basketball during the late evening hours.

A man in his early thirties was sitting in a holding cell in an urban police station.

In due course, another arrestee was placed in the adjacent holding cell.  The new arrival was a boy of sixteen, dressed in a Chicago Bulls number 23 jersey, baggy shorts, and Air Jordans.

The older man started the conversation with the standard line.

“What are you in for, kid?”

“Playing basketball.”

“Say what?”

“I was arrested because I was playing basketball.”

“You tellin’ me that the Man put the arm on you just for playin’ a little B-ball?  What kind of shuck and jive is that?”

“Well, it’s like this.  I signed up to play in a midnight basketball league.”

“And?”

“I was arrested for breaking curfew.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A classic from the television series “Mork and Mindy”.

A man went up to Mork and asked, “Excuse me.  Do you have the time?”

In response, Mork rolled up his left pants leg in order to look at his timepiece.

“You’re wearing a wristwatch on your ankle?” asked the man.  “You’re crazy.”

“No,” said Mork.  “I’m wearing an anklewatch on my ankle.  If I wore an anklewatch on my wrist, then I’d be crazy.”
 
 

For the week beginning February 2, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #172
 

Joke of the Week:

A blonde went into an auto parts store.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” asked a clerk.

“Yes,” said the blonde.  “I need a longer dipstick.”

“Excuse me?  A longer dipstick?”

“Yes.  The one I have won’t reach the oil anymore.”
 

For the younger set:

The vast majority of “Knock, knock” jokes end in terrible puns.  The following “Knock, knock” jokes, however, are a little more clever than most.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn’t know that you could yodel.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owl Says.
Owl Says Who?
Yes, he does.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kersh.
Kersh Who?
Geshundeit.
 

All-Time Classic:

Just an observation:

How come…

Hot dogs are sold in packages of ten…

But…

Hot dog buns are sold in packages of eight?
 
 

For the week beginning January 26, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #171
 

Joke of the Week:

Grand Master's note:  World War II Gen. George S. Patton always insisted on wearing clean, neat, and properly decorated uniforms at all times - even when heading into combat.  Moreover, he demanded the same of the men under his command.

In their satire of the motion picture Patton (1970), the writers of MAD magazine found a wickedly humorous way of examining this aspect of the general’s personality.

Scene:  Patton’s orderly is about to assist the general in getting dressed.

Patton:  All right, corporal.  Let’s go through it point by point.

Corporal:  Yes, sir.  First, your gold lamé battle shirt.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Next, your matching gold lamé battle pants.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Your ermine-collared field jacket with the 73 full combat decorations.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Your leather riding boots with the silver spurs.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Your twin ivory-handled pistols.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Your ceremonial saber.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Your stainless steel helmet with the uranium lining.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  And finally, your solid silver carbine – custom made to conform to the curvature of your spine.

Patton:  Check.

Corporal:  Well, sir?

Patton:  My compliments to you, corporal.  You did a real good job assembling these pajamas.  By the way… be sure to lay out my full dress uniform for tomorrow's invasion of Sicily.
 

For the younger set:

“Who was that on the phone?” asked a man of his wife.

“That was Sonny calling from college.  He asked me to mail to him a textbook that he left behind.  He asked also for some money.”

“Are you going to send him any?”

“Yes.  I think I’ll send him… $1,020.00.”

“What?!”

“Honey, relax.  I’m going to put a twenty-dollar bill in the book jacket - and a check for $1,000.00 between two pages in the last chapter.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A cannibal classic.

“I am very sorry that I had to break our date for lunch today,” said the cannibal.  “How about I have you for dinner tomorrow?”
 
 

For the week beginning January 19, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #170
 

Joke of the Week:

Whether the following is the worst golf joke ever told is largely a matter of opinion; but it is unquestionably a top-ten groaner.

The kitchen at the clubhouse of a local country club had to be shut down for repairs.  A notice was placed outside of the clubhouse.  It read “KITCHEN CLOSED”.

After the repairs were completed, a new notice was placed outside of the clubhouse.  It read “KITCHEN OPEN”.

The next morning, the head chef saw some writing on the notice.

It seemed that five of the club’s members had signed up for the tournament.
 

For the younger set:

Some body part classics.
 

What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?

A carpet.
 

What disappears every time you stand up?

Your lap.
 

What can you put into your right hand that you cannot put into your left hand?

Your left elbow.
 

All-Time Classic:

There is an old saying in the security business:  Regularity will get you killed.

Case in point:  A well-respected and high-ranking imam (Islamic Holy man) was an outspoken critic of Islamic terrorism.  Since the Koran forbids both murder and suicide, the imam (pronounced “im-ahm”, by the way) considered terrorist acts against civilian populations to be blasphemies (which they are).

Needless to say, he was a constant irritant to the Islamic radicals of the world.  So it should come as no surprise that the terrorists marked the imam for death.

A scouting party tracked the imam’s activities for more than a week in order to determine the best way to kill the Holy man.

The scouts discovered something potentially useful.  Every day, like clockwork, the imam took a late morning constitutional.  He always walked the same route; a route that took him past a certain corner of a certain building at exactly 11:05 in the morning, every morning.

It was decided that the imam would be attacked at that corner at that time.  But a direct assault was out of the question (the imam was surrounded by armed bodyguards wherever he went).  So instead, a sniper - perched on the roof of one of the surrounding buildings - would carry out the assassination.

At 10:55 the next morning, a team of two - sniper and spotter - positioned themselves on a rooftop that would afford them a clear shot at their target.  The sniper assembled quickly his scoped rifle while the spotter kept watch.  By 11:00, the sniper was ready to perpetrate his foul deed.

Five minutes later, at 11:05, the sniper brought forth his rifle, took aim at the designated corner… but the imam did not make an appearance.

Ten more minutes went by… but no imam.

Another ten minutes passed… but still no imam.

The sniper was dumbfounded.

“I do not understand this,” said the sniper.  “Every morning, the imam walks by that corner at exactly 11:05.  But here it is, twenty minutes later… but no imam.”

“Well, gee whiz,” said the spotter.  “I certainly hope nothing’s happened to him.”
 
 

For the week beginning January 12, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #169
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is brides-to-be.
 

Joke of the Week:

A bride-to-be phoned her bridal registry in order to make a change.

The woman in charge of the registry found nothing unusual in that.  Every bride invariably wants to change something as her big day approaches.

“All right, ma’am,” said the woman in charge of the registry.  “What would you like to change?  The style of the silverware, the pattern of the wedding china, or the color of the towels?”

“The name of the groom.”
 

For the younger set:

A classic.

A clerk at the county courthouse was helping a blonde fill out the application for her marriage license.

“Name, please,” said the clerk.

“Jennifer Lynn Smith,” replied the blonde.

“Birthday?”

“June 17.”

“What year?”

“Every year.”
 

All-Time Classic:

Destined to be a classic.

A woman (who happened to be a blonde) wanted to lose twenty pounds before her wedding day.  Her doctor suggested that the best way for her to achieve her goal would be to run ten miles every day for a month.

Thirty days later, the doctor received a phone call from the blonde.

“Doctor, I wanted to let you know," said the blonde.  "I ran ten miles every day for a month like you said I should.  And I've lost twenty pounds.”

“Well, that’s excellent,” said her doctor.

“Just one thing.”

“Yes?”

“I’m now three hundred miles away.  How do I get back home?”
 
 

For the week beginning January 5, 2003

Flash's Joke Set #168
 

Joke of the Week:

Let us start off the New Year with another edition of one of my favorite occasional series.

How dumb are criminals?  Read these true accounts, and then you tell me.

When a man walked through the detector at the courthouse entrance, the machine began to beep.  Believing that the jig was up, the man promptly surrendered the drugs on his person, hoping that this action would afford him leniency at sentencing.  What he did not know is that the detector could detect only metal objects (such as his belt buckle), not illegal narcotics.  He knows it now.

A robber tried to hold up a gun store… at knifepoint.  ‘Nuff said.

An accused vending machine thief paid his $400.00 bail - entirely in quarters.

Finding incarceration not to his liking, a Rhode Island prisoner spent the first eighty-eight days of his sentence planning his escape.  He accomplished his goal on the eighty-ninth day of his sentence.  But he was re-captured almost immediately, his freedom lasting all of five minutes.  All that he got for his efforts was an additional eighteen months of jail time.  His original crime:  Disorderly conduct.  His original sentence:  Ninety days.
 

For the younger set:

Question:  What do you call Batman and Robin after they have been run over by a steamroller?

Answer:  Flatman and Ribbon.
 

All-Time Classic:

Let us continue our New Year’s celebration with another edition of another of my favorite occasional series.

A Cold War Classic!

Note:  This Cold War Classic demonstrates once again how wide can be the gap between the theoretical and the practical.

A Soviet military scientist invented a device that he guaranteed would make the Russian line soldier invincible: The atomic hand grenade.

The scientist claimed that the atomic hand grenade had the power to blast a crater two hundred feet deep and four hundred feet in diameter; and his mathematical calculations supported strongly his assertion.

But ultimately, they had to cease production.  During field tests, it was discovered that the average Russian soldier could throw the atomic hand grenade no more than fifty feet.

(Adapted from Burns and Schreiber)
 
 

For the week beginning December 29, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #167
 

Joke of the Week:

Two physicists were engaged in conversation.

"Last night, I read a fascinating book on the theoretical possibilities of the existence of anti-gravity," said one physicist.

“Was it a good read?” asked the other.

“I couldn’t put it down.”
 

For the younger set:

Adapted from a “Flintstones” comic strip. 

Fred and Wilma Flintstone were playing bridge at the home of Barney and Betty Rubble.  At one point, the telephone rang.  Barney went to answer it – and came back just a few seconds later.

"Hey, Fred!  That was your babysitter on the phone.  She wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher!" 

Instantly, Fred and Wilma jumped out of their chairs.  While the Rubbles called 911, the Flintstones ran home as fast as they could.

Upon arriving back at their house, the Flintstones found no fire in progress.  In fact, they found no disorder of any kind.  As for the babysitter, she was lying on the couch, apparently without a care in the world.

"Oh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone," said the babysitter.  "Say, I just got through reading this pamphlet on things that every babysitter should know..."
 

All-Time Classic:

The stranger was confused.  Five times over the course of the day, he had asked someone what time it was - and each person had given him a different answer!
 
 

For the week beginning December 22, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #166
 

With Christmas coming up this week, the theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is “Jesus”.
 

Joke of the Week:

First, a cultural note:  Baptismis the sacrament by which a Christian babe officially joins the flock.  Part of the ceremony calls for the minister to pour water onto the infant’s head.  This act is called baptism by sprinkling.

Entire tomes have been written on the subject of whether or not sprinkling is the correct way to baptize someone.  But, whatever a baptism by sprinkling does or does not accomplish, it does it with the minimum of discomfort to the child. 

Things are different when an adult is baptized, particularly an adult who is about to convert from another religion.  Then, it is proper  - and expected - that the adult demonstrate his commitment to Christ by submitting to having his entire body submerged in water.  This act is called baptism by immersion.

With that primer, on with the joke:
 

A man - who had been partaking in little too much of the demon rum - was staggering along the riverbank when he came upon a group of evangelicals re-affirming their commitment to Christ through immersion baptism.  The minister was standing waist-deep in the river to receive the faithful for the ceremony.  One by one, each member of the flock was dunked fully into the water and then quickly brought back up again. 

The minister saw the inebriated man and called out to him, “Say there, brother.  Would you like to find Jesus?”

“Uh… sure,” said the man, who then - at the minister’s beckoning - stepped into the river.

The minister dunked the man into the river and brought him back up again.

“So tell me, brother.  Have you found Jesus?”

“Uh… no,” said the drunken man.

The minister dunked the man into the river for a second immersion baptism.

“How about now, brother?  Have you found Jesus?”

“Uh… no,” said the drunken man.

The minister dunked the man into the river for a third immersion baptism.

“What do you say now, brother?  Have you found Jesus?”

“Uh… no,” said the drunken man.

The minister made ready to dunk the man into the river for a fourth immersion baptism.  But the drunken man interceded, saying, “Hey, wait a minute.  Are you sure that this is the spot where He fell in?”
 

For the younger set:

Ten year-old Billy was next in rotation to lead the family dinner prayer.

“Jesus, we thank you for the food that we are about to receive, and the blessings of life and family.  Oh, and if you would, please - make Youngstown the capital of Ohio.”

As you might imagine, Billy’s parents were a bit dumbfounded by their son’s unusual request.

“Billy,” said the father of the family, “why would you ask such a thing of Jesus?”

“Because that’s what I put down on my geography test.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A personnel manager was interviewing candidates for the position of assistant director of advertising.

The first candidate was a brunette.

“As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture.  For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?”

“Easter is a holiday,” began the brunette, “where you gather the family, you cook a turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce, and you give thanks…”

“Next!”

Things were going from bad to worse.  The next candidate was a redhead.

“As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture. For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?”

“Easter is a holiday,” began the redhead, “where you put up a tree, you cover it with decorations, and then Santa Claus comes down the chimney…”

“Next!”

Things were going from worse to worse still.  The next candidate was a blonde.

“As you know,” said the interviewer, “this job requires that you have a full knowledge of American culture.  For instance, what can you tell me about Easter?”

“Easter is a holiday,” began the blonde, “that Christians deem to be one of their holiest days.  It tells the story of how Jesus was betrayed by Judas for thirty pieces of silver.  The Roman soldiers arrested Jesus and turned Him over to the Jewish priests.  They, in turn, sent Him before the governor, Pontius Pilate.  Intimidated by the mob, Pilate pardoned the murderer Barabbas, but found Jesus guilty. Condemned to death, Jesus had a crown of thorns placed upon His head.  He then was compelled - under the sting of the lash - to walk through the streets of Jerusalem while bearing a heavy cross upon His shoulders.  The cross was set on a hill, and Jesus was nailed to that cross so as to execute Him by crucifixcion.  After He died, He was laid to rest in a cave, and a great boulder was rolled across the entrance.  But when Mary Magdalene returned to the cave two days later, she found that the boulder had been moved aside.  For Jesus had been resurrected.  He emerged from the cave, saw His shadow, so they had six more weeks of winter.”
 
 

For the week beginning December 15, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #165
 

Joke of the Week:

Two men were in competition to see which of them would be put in charge of an industrial plant.

On the written portion of the test, each man was asked to write down the fourteen-letter word that describes someone who is in charge of a plant.

The first man wrote down “superintendent”.

The second man wrote down “horticulturist”.

Care to guess which one got the job?
 

For the younger set:

Question:  Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the famous Round Table?

Answer:  Sir Cumference.
 

All-Time Classic:

A man went up to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I need something to get rid of the hiccups."

With that, and without warning, the doctor slapped the man hard in the face.

"Why did you do that?" asked the man.

"To cure you,” said his doctor.  “The shock jolted your system.  You don't have the hiccups now, do you?"

"No.  But my wife out in the car still does."
 
 

For the week beginning December 8, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #164
 

Joke of the Week:

Mondo absurdo.

Several dozen people were eating supper at an exclusive restaurant when a police officer entered the dining salon.  The officer stood in the middle of the room to address the diners.

“Excuse me, folks.  May I have your attention, please?” said the officer.  “Does anyone in here own a 2002 Cadillac Eldorado with Texas license plates KFT 867 AXN 793 NCG 798 WHN 236 DLT 346 IDG 574 RTF 788 FGH 045 YBK 538 PWK 774 QKC 133 PBG 946?”

One diner stood up.

“That’s my car, officer.  What’s seems to be the problem?”

“You’re going to have to park your vehicle somewhere else, sir.  You’re blocking the driveway.”
 

For the younger set:

A classic.

A mother was admonishing her young son for pulling a mean trick on his sister.

"Jimmy, why did you put a frog in your sister's bed?"

"Because I couldn't find a snake."
 

All-Time Classic:

An accountant was talking to a prospective client.

"Now, then,” said the accountant.  "As I understand it, your occupation is circus aerialist.  Is that correct?" 

"Yes."

"All right.  What is your net worth?"

"Every penny I paid for it."
 
 

For the week beginning December 1, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #163
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is "hunting".

.
Joke of the Week:

A game warden stopped a hunter and asked to see his hunting license - which had long since expired.

“Sir,” said the game warden.  “You’re going to have to get a new hunting license.  This is last year’s hunting license.”

“So?  The only deer I’m going to shoot are the ones that I missed last year.”
 

For the younger set:

Adapted from Dan O’Neill’s “Short Ribs”.

A Great White Hunter, armed with a high-powered rifle, was traversing the African plains in search of an elephant to bag.  Just as he spotted his prey, the hunter noticed that he had an audience.  An African native, blowpipe in hand, was observing the goings-on with interest.

"You poor native," said the big game hunter with genuine sympathy, "I'll wager you've never seen one of these high-powered hunting rifles in action.  Now, you watch-em closely.  Me going to bring down mighty elephant.  Savvy?"

Not waiting for a reply, the hunter squeezed off a shot.  The bullet made contact, but it did not pierce the pachyderm's thick flesh.

Enraged, the elephant charged towards the big game hunter and his audience of one.  The hunter fired off two more rounds; but these rounds, also on target, also failed to penetrate.  They accomplished nothing save to make the elephant angrier, causing him to charge faster.

The hunter got off three more shots as the elephant came to within point blank range.  But though all of the bullets were on target, all of them failed to bring down the thundering beast.

At this point, the native calmly loaded a poison dart into his blowpipe.  Raising the blowpipe to his lips, he took careful aim at a particular spot, and with a single PHFFFT - the rampaging animal fell dead.

"Well," said the Great White Hunter to the native, "that certainly was a close one, eh?  You savvy?  Close one?"

"I comprehend your meaning perfectly, sir," said the native.  "By the way, you may keep the elephant.  I bagged my limit for the day shortly before lunch." 
 

All-Time Classic:

"Inflation is terrible," lamented one hunter to another.  "The cow we accidentally shot last year didn't cost nearly as much as the cow we accidentally shot this year."
 
 

For the week beginning November 24, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #162
 

Joke of the Week:

The police received a telephone call from a man (whose slurred speech indicated that he was somewhat intoxicated).

“I went out to the parking lot and found that my car had been vandalized,” said the man.

“In what way was it vandalized?” asked the desk sergeant.

“They ripped out the dashboard, took out the steering wheel, and yanked out the stick shift.”

A few minutes later, the police received a follow-up call from the same man.

“The vandalism is worse than I thought.  I went back for another look, and it seems that they tore out also the clutch pedal, the brake pedal, and the gas pedal.”

A few minutes later, the police received yet another call from the same man.

“Police?  Forget the whole thing.  I just realized that I was looking in the back seat.”
 

For the younger set:

Question:  If you see two snails fighting, what should you do about it?

Answer:  Nothing.  It’s their dispute; let them slug it out.
 

All-Time Classic:

Gary:  Did you hear the one about the optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?

Herb:  No.  What happened?

Gary:  He made a complete spectacle of himself.
 
 

For the week beginning November 17, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #161
 

Joke of the Week:

A Flash Kellam original!

“So.  Fell down the stairs and fractured your leg, did you?  Well, it serves you right for calling me insensitive!”
 

For the younger set:

A man was driving his eight-year-old son to school along an unfamiliar road.  At one point, he made a right turn on red.  Only after he had completed the turn did he notice the sign that prohibited right turns on red.

“Oh, oh,” said the father.  “I think that turn I just made was illegal.”

“No, it wasn’t, Dad," said his son.

"How do you know?"

"Because that police car behind us with its lights flashing just did the same thing.”
 

All-Time Classic:

During the early days of space flight, it was discovered that ordinary ballpoint pens would not write in space because the ink would not flow under conditions of weightlessness.

NASA engineers put their heads to the problem.  After an expenditure of twelve million dollars, they developed a pen that could write in zero-g, upside-down, underwater, and in temperatures ranging from thirty degrees below zero Celsius to forty above.

Faced with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
 
 

For the week beginning November 10, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #160
 

Joke of the Week:

A man walked into a nursery and said, “I need some geraniums.” 

“Hmm.  We’re not very well stocked on geraniums, I’m afraid,” said the lady in charge of indoor plants.  “How about some African violets?  They’re one of the most popular of all indoor plants.”

“No, it has to be geraniums.”

“Or, would you consider some white orchids?  They also are popular.”

“No, no, no.  It’s geraniums or nothing.”

“My goodness, you certainly are fond of geraniums.”

“Not really.  But geraniums are what I promised my girl friend that I would water while she was out of town.”
 

For the younger set:

A classic.

A woman took her grandson to the zoo.  At one point, they stopped at the monkey cage.

“What are you doing?” asked the grandmother of her grandson.

“I’m giving the monkeys half my peanuts,” said the boy.

“Well, that’s nice.”

“Yes, I’m giving them the shells.”
 

All-Time Classic:

Several middle-aged women, who lived in the same apartment house, all had filed civil lawsuits against the others for all manner of ridiculously petty grievances.

The women filed into the courtroom, still squabbling away like a flock of clucking hens.  The judge had to use his gavel to get their attention.

“Ladies, ladies, please,” said the judge.  “We must have order if we are to proceed.  Thank you.  I will now hear testimony from you one at a time, beginning with the oldest.”

All of the lawsuits were thrown out of court for lack of testimony.
 
 

For the week beginning November 3, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #159
 

With Election Day coming up on November 5, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features political humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

A soon-to-be classic:

In February of 2001, a man went up to the gates of the White House and asked of the guard, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton.  How do I go about doing that?”

“Sir, Bill Clinton no longer is President,” said the guard.

Without a word, the man walked away.

The man returned the next day and asked again of the guard, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton.  How do I go about doing that?”

“Sir, as I told you yesterday, Bill Clinton no longer is President,” said the guard.

Again, without a word, the man walked away.

The man returned the day following and asked of the guard for the third time, “I’d like to make an appointment to speak to President Clinton.  How do I go about doing that?”

“Sir, I keep telling you, Bill Clinton no longer is President," said the guard.  "Why can’t you understand that?”

“Oh, I understand it," said the man.  "But the thing is, I just love hearing people say it.”
 

For the younger set:

A group of school children went on a field trip to the state capitol.  The man who represented their district in the state senate met them outside of his office.

“I’m delighted to see all of you young people here today,” said the senator.  “As you are only a few years away from becoming voting-age citizens, it is important for you to learn as much as you can about our system of government.  Now, today’s session of the state senate will be called to order in about ten minutes.  You then will see government in action.”

Immediately, a note-taking student asked, “Uh, Senator, is ‘in action’ two words or one?”
 

All-Time Classic:

Just an observation:

How come…

...when the voters give control of Congress to the Democrats, it’s a victory.

But…

...when the voters give control of Congress to the Republicans, it’s a takeover?
 
 

For the week beginning October 27, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #158
 

With All Hallow’s Eve coming up on October 31, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features Halloween humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

Late one Halloween night, a man was walking past a cemetery.  All of a sudden, a casket rose out of a nearby plot. 

As the man watched in wide-eyed amazement, the casket stood upright.  Then, slowly, ominously, the casket came towards the man.  And mind you, the casket did not open to allow the deceased to come forth.  It was the casket itself that was following him!

To make a long story short, the casket stayed on the man’s tail, following him wherever he went.  Ultimately, the casket cornered the man in the bathroom of his house.

In desperation, the man started throwing at the casket anything on which he could lay his hands.

He threw a bottle of Tylenol at the casket. The bottle struck the casket, but the casket kept coming.

He threw a bottle of Kaopectate at the casket.  The bottle struck the casket, but the casket kept coming.

Finally, he threw at the casket the only bottle left in the medicine cabinet.  The bottle struck the casket... 

...and the casket stopped! 

Slowly, cautiously, the man approached the casket.  The casket remained motionless.

The man picked up the last bottle that he had thrown at the casket and looked at the label.

It was a bottle of Robitussin.

No wonder the coffin stopped!
 

For the younger set:
 

Question:  What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?

Answer:  Rap.
 

Question:  Why didn’t the skeleton go bungee jumping?

Answer:  He didn’t have the stomach for it.
 

Question:  What do vampire bats do in their spare time?

Answer:  Not much.  Mostly, they just hang around.
 

Question:  What do ghosts call their mothers and fathers?

Answer:  Trans-parents.
 

All-Time Classic:

A paranormal investigator was assigned the task of determining if any ghosts were haunting an old Victorian mansion.

The investigator brought along all of his state-of-the-art photographic equipment.  That way, if any ghosts were haunting the mansion, the investigator would be able to capture them on film.

As it happened, not five minutes after setting up his equipment, a ghost appeared.  And instead of fading in and fading out quickly (as is typically the case), this ghost remained visible for quite some time.  As a matter of fact, the ghost appeared to be posing for the camera!

Taking advantage of the ghost’s hammy exhibitionism, the paranormal investigator snapped off shot after shot.  After he had shot three rolls of film, the ghost vanished.

Excitedly, the investigator drove back to his photo lab to process the pictures, anxious to see what his cameras had recorded.

Unfortunately, and to the investigator’s great disappointment, not one of the pictures that he had taken came out in the processing.  He discovered the reason why after re-checking his photographic equipment.  It seems that the electronic flash unit had a weak battery, and therefore had not furnished enough light to make the ghost’s image appear on film.

I suppose one could say… are you ready for this?… the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
 
 

For the week beginning October 20, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #157
 

This week marks the third anniversary (October 24) of The Official Flash Kellam Website.  Such a milestone calls for a special joke set.  Therefore - and courtesy of my mother’s side of the family - the theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is "Scotsmen and pennies".
 

Joke of the Week:

A Scotsman was visiting New York City on business.  As he hurried down the streets of the Big Apple, a penny slipped out of his grasp and rolled away.  The Scotsman quickly lost track of his coin.

The Scotsman searched the area thoroughly, even to the point of getting down on his hands and knees.  But despite all of his efforts, he could not find his penny.

In due course, a member of New York’s Finest came by and asked the Scotsman what he was doing.  The Scotsman explained to the officer that he had lost his penny.  The officer helped the Scotsman search for a few minutes, but he also could not find the coin.

“Well, sir,” said the officer, “I’m sorry that you lost your coin, but I have to get back to my beat.  I’ll be coming by here one more time today before my shift ends.”

“Aye,” said the Scotsman.  “I also have to leave to attend a business meeting.  But as soon as that meeting is over, I’m comin’ right back here to resume the search.”

The two men parted ways.

Some fifteen minutes later, a crew from the New York City Department of Public Works arrived on the scene to install a new sewer line.  Using air hammers, they broke up the sidewalk.  Then, a gang of laborers moved in and started digging like gophers.

The officer returned to the scene around about four o’clock, and the Scotsman about one minute after the officer. 

The sidewalk where the Scotsman had lost his penny was gone now, replaced by a gaping trench.  While the Scotsman and the officer stood by, the laborers continued to throw shovelful after shovelful of earth out of the pit.

“Well, I must say, Laddie,” said the Scotsman to the officer.  “When you New Yorkers set out to search for somethin', ye certainly are thorough.”
 

For the younger set:

I first saw this joke used in the comic strip "Short Ribs" by Dan O'Neill.

But, before we begin, a cultural note:  A Scotsman in Highland dress wears suspended from his belt front an object called a sporran.  A sporran is a pouch of leather, covered with fur and decorated with tassels. The sporran can be used, among other things, as a coin purse.

Two Scotsmen, father and son, were walking through the hills of the Scottish Lowlands.  After a while, they became quite thirsty.  That was when they came across a well.

The son looked down into the well, but he could not see to the bottom.

“I canna see if there be water in the well,” said the son to his father.

“Laddie, don’t ye remember what I taught ye?”

“Taught me?  About what?”

“About how to tell whether there be water in a well.  All ye have to do is throw a penny into the well.  And if ye hear a splash, there be water in the well.”

“Aye.  I remember now.  I must have been no more than a wee lad of four when ye taught me that trick.”

The son opened his sporran, reached inside to get a penny… then withdrew quickly his hand and closed his sporran.

“Oh, no, father.  This time, we’re gonna use yer penny.”
 

All-Time Classic:

How did they invent copper wire?

Well, two Scotsmen got into a fight over a penny…
 
 

For the week beginning October 13, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #156
 

Joke of the Week:

An American Indian chief wanted to know how cold the upcoming winter likely was to be, so he put in a call to the U.S. Weather Bureau.

“We predict that your area will have a fairly typical winter,” said the meteorologist on the other end of the line.

The chief relayed the information to his tribe, and ordered his people to gather firewood in quantities sufficient to ride out such a winter.

Two weeks after making his initial call, the chief contacted the Weather Bureau again to see if there had been any change in the forecast.

“As a matter of fact,” said the meteorologist, “we have indeed revised our forecast.  We now predict that the upcoming winter will be very cold.”

On the basis of this new information, the chief ordered his tribe to gather more firewood.

After another two weeks had passed, the chief called the Weather Bureau for a third time to see if there had been any further changes.

“We have had to revise our forecast yet again,” said the meteorologist.  “We now predict that the upcoming winter will be extremely cold.”

The chief ordered his tribe to gather still more firewood.

Two weeks later, the chief made another call to the Weather Bureau.

“Yes, we have had to revise our forecast yet again,” said the meteorologist.  “We now predict that the upcoming winter likely will be the coldest on record.”

“Are you certain of this new forecast?” asked the understandably exasperated chief.

“Oh, absolutely.  We’ve been getting reports that the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy.”
 

For the younger set:

With the Fall Classic now in progress, here is a baseball classic.

A policeman was walking his beat when he came upon a sandlot baseball game.  He decided to take a break and watch a few plays.

The officer saw that one boy was keeping score on a chalkboard.  The current score was Dodgers – 41 / Giants – 0.

“Well, now, “ commented the officer.  “It doesn’t look like the Giants are doing very well.”

“Not to worry, sir,” said the boy.  “We haven’t even been to bat yet.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A Cold War Classic!

The old Soviet Union had a socialist economy or what is sometimes called a “command economy”. That is to say, the government had the authority to command the economy to do anything – anything except serve the needs of the people, that is.

Not surprisingly, with the government in charge of the economy, goods were scarce and service was slow.  How slow, you ask?  Read on.

Having saved enough money to purchase a personal car, Dimitri called the automobile factory and asked when his car would be delivered.

The commissar in charge of the factory said, “We will be delivering car seven years from now, on September 23.”

“Will you be delivering in morning or afternoon?”

“Comrade, be reasonable.  If you are having to wait seven years, what difference it make if it morning or afternoon?”

“Because in afternoon, plumber is coming to fix sink.”
 
 

For the week beginning October 6, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #155
 

Joke of the Week:

A vagabond was walking along an English country road. 

In due course, he came upon a quaint-looking inn called the “St. George and the Dragon”.  He knocked on the door, and a heavy-set woman answered it.

“Yes?” said the woman, who took an instant dislike to the unwashed and shabbily-dressed man.

"Good afternoon, madam,” said the vagabond.  “I was wonderin’ if you might see it in yer heart to spare a plate of victuals.”

“No,” said the woman.

“Or, could you possibly spare a pint of ale?”

”No!”

“Could I at least sleep in yer barn?”

”No!!”

“In that case, could I…?”

“What?”

“Could I speak to St. George?”
 

For the younger set:

A high school physics teacher asked one of his students (who happened to be a blonde), “Would you be able to hear if you were inside a vacuum?”

The blonde thought for a moment, and then asked, “Is the vacuum on or off?”
 

All-Time Classic:

A man applying for a job with the Central Intelligence Agency was handed a sealed envelope.  He was told that the information within was top secret and that he was not to look at it, but simply to deliver it to Room 401.

Unfortunately, the applicant’s curiosity got the better of him.  When he got to the fourth floor, he slipped into a storeroom.

Carefully, he broke the seal on the envelope, opened the flap, and pulled out the document within.  It read as follows:

“Congratulations!

You are just the sort of individual that we need. 

Report to Room 501 for immediate employment.”
 
 

For the week beginning September 29, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #154
 

The theme of this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week is "cows".
 

Joke of the Week:

Adapted from a “Roscoe Sweeney” comic strip by Roy Crane.

Everybody in the family loved Uncle Wilt.  The problem was, he was becoming increasingly forgetful.  He was even having trouble remembering things about money (he was very wealthy).

One day, he appeared at the home of some relatives who lived on a farm.  As he took off his jacket, some large denomination bills fell out of his pockets and onto the floor.  His relatives quickly gathered and counted the money.  It totaled $20,000.

“Oh, Uncle Wilt,” said Aunt Edna. “Please take your money into town and have the bank store the cash in its vault.  That way, the money will be safe.  More important, so will you.”

Uncle Wilt said that he would do so immediately.

Five hours later, Uncle Wilt appeared once again at the farmhouse of his relatives.

“Oh, there you are, Wilt,” said Cousin Bertha.  “We were starting to become worried, you had been gone so long.  Did you have trouble finding a bank in which to store the money?”

“Nope.  What happened was, I got all the way into town before I suddenly remembered that I’m a child of the Depression, so I don’t trust banks.  I put the money in a strongbox and buried it in your cow pasture.”

You could hear the family’s collective groan for a mile.

“Oh, Uncle Wilt.  Please, please, please tell me that you drew a map.”

“What for?  I don’t need a map.”

“What?  With your bad memory, you don’t think you need a map…?”

“Now, now, stop your frettin’ and hear me out.  When I said that I don’t need a map, it’s because I have a landmark.”

“A landmark?” 

“That’s right.  I buried the strongbox next to a prominent landmark.  I’ll be able to find that money any time I want.”

“Uncle Wilt, in case you forget… please tell us what the landmark is.”

“Well… all right.  You bein’ family and all, I can trust you.  Okay, here’s the deal.  I buried the money right next to a big… brown… cow.”
 

For the younger set:

A school classic.

An elementary school teacher instructed her pupils to draw a picture of a cow eating grass in a meadow.

Leonard was the first to turn in his picture.  But all that he had done was color half of a sheet of paper blue, and the other half brown.

“Leonard,” said the teacher, “I asked you draw a picture of a cow eating grass in a meadow.  All that I see here is what looks like the sky over a patch of bare earth.  Where’s the grass?”

“There is no grass.  The cow ate it all.”

“Where’s the cow?”

“Well, since she ate all the grass, what reason did the cow have to stay?”
 

All-Time Classic:

Defendant (to plaintiff's lawyer):  Look, I keep telling you, I didn't intend to run into your client.  I lost control of my car when I swerved to avoid a cow in the road.

Plaintiff's lawyer:  Was it a Jersey cow?

Defendant:  I don't know.  It all happened so fast, I never saw its license plates.
 
 

For the week beginning September 22, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #153
 

Joke of the Week:

A small-town police chief put out notice that his department was hiring additional officers.

To the chief's dismay, one of the applicants was a local yokel by the name of Lester.  The chief knew Lester to be a decent enough sort.  But he knew also that Lester was, shall we say, not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Still, out of fairness, the chief granted Lester an interview.

“Lester," said the chief, "let me ask you a few questions on general knowledge.  First, what is 1 and 1?”

“Aw, heck, that’s easy,” said Lester.  “1 and 1 are 11.”

“What two days begin with the letter ‘T’?”

“Heck, that’s easy, too.  Today and Tomorrow.”

“Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

That question stumped Lester.  “I don’t know,” he replied.

Seeing his opening, the chief rose from his chair.  As he showed Lester to the door, the chief said, “Well, I’ll tell you what, Lester.  Why don’t you go home and think about it, okay?”

A half-hour later, Lester was back at home.

“Well, Lester,” said his mother.  “Did you get the job?”

“Sure ‘nuff,” said Lester.  “As a matter of fact, the chief's already got me workin’ a murder case."
 

For the younger set:

A college student called his father on the phone.

"Hey, Dad,” said the college student, “do you remember telling me that if I made the Dean’s List, you’d give me $500?”

“Yes, I remember,” said his father.

“Well, I have good news.  You get to keep the money.”
 

All-Time Classic:

A chicken and a pig were walking along the road when they came to a church.

“You know,” said the chicken, “we ought to contribute something to the pastor to make his life a little easier.”

“What do you suggest?” asked the pig.

“How about we contribute a ham and egg breakfast?”

“Hey, look,” said the pig.  "To you, a ham and egg breakfast is a contribution.  To me, it's a commitment.”
 
 

For the week beginning September 15, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #152
 

Joke of the Week:

A man was boasting about his dog to a visitor.

“My dog is absolutely amazing,” said the man.  “Every morning, he brings in the daily paper.”

“How is that so amazing?” asked the visitor.  “A lot of dogs do that.”

“Ah, yes, but I don’t subscribe.”
 

For the younger set:

"Mom,” asked a boy, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That is what they say, dear,” replied his mother.

"Well, the thing of it is is, I just kept ten doctors away - but I wouldn't mind seeing one now."
 

All-Time Classic:

Here are a few classic classified ads.

“Demolition expert wanted.  Must be licensed to handle explosives.  Must be willing to travel.”

“Going on vacation?  Let us exterminate your home while you’re away.”

“We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your house for a dollar.”

“Illiterate?  Write to us for free help.”

“Stock up now and save.  Limit one, please.”

“Why go to those other used car dealers to get cheated?  Come to us instead.”
 
 

For the week beginning September 8, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #151
 

With the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks coming up this week, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features terrorist humor.
 

Joke of the Week:

Question:  What do you call 50,000 parachuting Al-Qaeda terrorists?

Answer:  Air pollution.
 

For the younger set:

In the days before September 11, 2001, commercial airliners occasionally would be hijacked for the purpose of holding the plane - and the passengers - for ransom.

One Middle Eastern terrorist hijacked an airplane - then demanded 500,000 parachutes and a dollar.
 

All-Time Classic:

U.N. Weapons Inspector (to Iraqi Escorts):  I want to check out this building next.

Iraqi Escort 1:  Oh, no, no, no.  It is not necessary to inspect this building.  This is our culture center.

U.N. Weapons Inspector:  Culture center?

Iraqi Escort 2:  Yes.  Anthrax culture, botulin culture, smallpox culture…

Iraqi Escort 1:  Shut up, you infidel!
 
 

For the week beginning September 1, 2002

Flash's Joke Set #150
 

With school back in session, this edition of Flash’s Joke of the Week features school work – and attempts to get out of it.
 

Joke of the Week:

Three college students had a chemistry midterm coming up on Monday.  But instead of studying for the test, they decided to spend the weekend with some friends - who lived in a city some fifty miles north of the college.

As you might imagine, after a weekend of drinking and partying, the three students were in no condition to drive.  It was Tuesday afternoon before finally they limped back to their college - too late to take the midterm examination.

The three students conferred with their professor about taking a make-up exam.

“And just why should I allow you three to take a make-up exam?" challenged the professor.  “Your classmates showed up on time.  Why couldn’t you?”

“Because our car got a flat tire," said the first student (speaking more quickly than he would have liked, but there was no turning back now).  "Yes, and when we tried to change it, we found that the spare also was flat.  Getting back on the road meant getting a new tire, and that took quite a bit of time.  So yes, we were late for the examination; but not through any fault of our own."

The other two students quickly nodded in agreement.

The professor gave them a long look.

“Now, boys,” said the professor at length. “I have been teaching at this college for thirty-two years, and I have heard just about every excuse in the book.  So you will forgive me if I find your story to be, shall we say, a little too contrived?”

Again, the first student spoke for the group.

“Well, professor, I don't know what else to do except to tell you exactly what happened.”

Again, the other two students quickly nodded in agreement.

Again, the professor gave them a long look. 

“Now, boys, you're old enough to know that telling a lie only gets you in deeper.  So why don't you three come clean and simply admit that you were out partying over the weekend, instead of studying, as you should have been.  Or do you still wish to adhere to your flat tire story?”

The three students had come to a moral fork in the road and had to make a choice.  Their decision: They stuck with their flat tire story.

“Very well,” said the professor.  “Since you have given me your word that you were victims of circumstances beyond your control, I will indeed allow you to take a make-up exam.”

The three students let out sighs of relief.

“However,” continued the professor, “there are two conditions.  First, since you had more time to study than did your classmates, it is only fair that the make-up exam be given at the earliest possible opportunity:  Tomorrow afternoon at five o'clock. Your room assignments will be posted on the bulletin board outside of my office.”

“Excuse me, professor,” said the first student.  “Did you say room assignments?  Plural?”

“That is the other condition,” said the professor.  “Each of you will take the make-up exam alone, in separate rooms.  I will