I would like to know what the heaven you were thinking when you wrote me those letters! Not only were you stupid enough to write them, and insane enough to mail them, you were infinitely dense enough to sign them and place a return address. And that postmark from some "Vanishing Tower, Gaynlith" didn't fool me for one second. I had that swamp checked out thoroughly, and found no trace of a vanishing anything. Those green crayons you wrote them in sure added real class to the letters. You must take me for a real fool! Now, before I proceed to describe in excrutiating detail the way I will rend you limb from limb while personally devouring your soul, I would like to address several of the comments you made in your letters.

In no way, form, or fashion do I, have I ever, or will I resemble a clown. My lawyers (where did you think they all ended up) inform me that this statement can only be defamatory and derogatory in nature. A pity.

I am truly puzzled by your ineptitude. Calling me a bec-de-corbin is not an insult. While it is true that I am responsible for the insane assortment of polearms that mortals must choose from, I can't help but be amazed at your complete obtuseness.

As for your statement, and I quote, "...and furthermore, you suck! ...", I can only agree. Just wait until I suck every last ounce of fluid from your body through the pores in your eyelids. But I digress.

Why tell me, and again I quote, "...curiosity maimed the hobbit...". That sounds exactly like something one of those damn elves would say. I sure hope you're not an elf-lover. We have special procedures just for fairy-worshippers. The only thing worse than an elf is a dumb-ass human who hangs around with elves.

As for your challenge to beat the stuffing out of me, I say go for it. I'll even leave the Rod at home. You big-headed, sure-to-die-at-my-hands, egotistical, swine-herding, elf-loving, hobbit- humping (yes, I know all about that), weenie-brained, short-lived, long-winded, embarrasing, low- life-scum, weak-hearted, trouble-making, acutely paranoid, self-deluded, inconclusive, blockheaded, crotchety, high-strung, irritating, lackluster, fainthearted, phlegmatic, scatterbrained, worthless, revolting, warped, sluggish, vain, gluttonous, fatuous, dull-witted, irascible, bogus, bumbling, moronic, sapsucking, tasteless, goofy, tiresome, feeble, intolerable, ludicrous, second-rate, patronizing, capricious, crusty, boorish, hopeless, piddling, bourgeois, audacious, flatulant, diseased, bad-breathed, stumbling, near-sighted, pig-eyed, unwashed, unloved, landless, honorless, constipated, sausage-eating, paltry, tiresome, stupid, dense, sweaty, ill-mannered, unfaithful, cowardly, pig.

(Please note that the preceding insult was condensed greatly by my lawyers, who are trying to keep my printing costs down)

I will tear you apart and hurl the pieces across the heavens.