I have just woken from a fitful sleep. They tell me I have not been well, and have committed many naughty acts. I shall have to take them at their word. My apologies if I have harmed you or your reputation.
Lying here in this empty room, my thoughts have turned to events in Silversheen. I have convinced them to release one arm up to the elbow, so that I may share my ideas with you. Times are bad in this world of ours. Perhaps my ideas may help turn the tide of evil.
Our first concern is with humanoids. All these goblins and ogres and giants are a terrible nuisance. I have formulated a plan. First, we need about a million elves. Each one of these is to fabricate an incredibly life-like mask of an elf. Then, these elves are to sneak into the goblin camps while the goblins sleep. The masks are to be placed on the goblins' heads, and then the elves are to make a mad dash into the hills. When the goblins awake, my two-fold plan takes effect. The goblins, upon seeing an apparent elf at such close proximity, will commence to slay them. Also, any boy-goblins seeing such a mask upon a girl-goblin will have no thoughts of doing the nasty with her, seeing that she looks like an elf. As a side effect, the boy-goblin may kill the girl-goblin. Thus this plan not only initiates a process of self-eradication among the goblins, but also institutes what is probably the first attempt at birth control among goblins.
This idea of birth control is intriguing. Perhaps we can start a campaign of "safe sex" among goblins, orcs, and other humanoids. Elves in disguise can distribute prophylactics to young humanoids. Perhaps we can create a sterilizing agent that we can place into their drinking water. Think of it, we can slow down wanton procreation! I can't wait to get out of here and back into my lab.
Now, it seems that the problem with the humanoids is that they multiply so quickly. Luckily they don't live long. Elves, on the other hand, live long fruitful lives (unless they're snuffed out in an incredible act of bravery, stupidity, or wanton destruction). The problem with elves is that we do not multiply fast enough. Just imagine how powerful elves would be if their lifespans remained the same, yet they procreated at the rate that goblins do! As opposed to the humanoid plan, we should institute a "more sex" campaign. The kickoff for this plan should be in Sareny.
First, sex and nudity should be allowed in all places, public or private, at all times. All business, political, and other meetings should culminate in huge, disgusting orgies. Bonuses should be provided for each child a family bears. Even unwed births should be rewarded. What the hell, this should go for humans and all the good races! Lakes should be provided with state funding to organize large skinny-dipping festivals where clothing is banned. There should be carts roaming around providing all forms of diverse, perverse, and interesting sexual devices. Handbooks should be available to instruct in the latest techniques that research has developed. Hordes of writhing bodies, babies popping out like flowers in the spring, swords swinging, lords a'leaping, ten dolphins swaying, ...Hey! I've got a great idea for a song! Now, this song could be used for any occasion, but it seems best suited for those cheery family gatherings. Now, I know what you're thinking. There he goes again, the fuckin' elf has slipped his cerebral cortex once more. I assure you, I have never been more stable. I mean, it's not like I'm hearing voices or anything. How could I? The elves under the bed couldn't possible be whispering sweet murder into my ears, since I don't have a bed. As a matter of fact, I don't have anything in this forsaken room. These rubber walls are making me chafe. Anyway, on with our song:
I really, really, really, truly hope you enjoy this song. You should sing it to your little children every night before bedtime, so that they'll grow up to be just like daddy.
Mushroomily yours,