Who am I? As I sit and contemplate this, I realize that what comes to mind, rather than what lies within, is my perceptions ... what interests I enjoy in my external world; that which brings me joy ... music, magick, computers, cloves, and sharing with others ... but what "I" am is much more than my perception ov the world ... certainly, my inner being is more than what is reflected in my own personal taste in experience ... although it could be said that "I" am reflected in these things which I enjoy; that what I am not is reflected in the experiences which I do not enjoy. But what lies beyond experience? Certainly, it is "I" who experiences, "I" who determines what I find enjoyment or distaste in. It is "I" who am acutely aware ov my world and "I" who interacts with it. But is it possible to track down this "I", which is in a process ov continual change, outside ov its perception ov the world? Or is it this ever elusive "I" that remains intact, while it merely discovers more about itself through experience? What lies beyond the interaction ov the observer and that which is observed? I have spent my days in intense observation and contemplation ov that which is observed. Heightening my awareness. Imagination and contemplation in and ov themselves are based upon previous observations. I have determined, through previous contemplation, that the world exists in and ov itself with or without my personal perception ov it. But it seems that without the world and my perceptions, "I" do not exist. Therefore it seems eviedent to me the necessity for the "I" to experience in order to exist, at least according to this current line ov thought. A friend ov mine pointed out that I exist in his perception ov the world. From this, I see that I exist as a part ov the world. But again, this does not allude to the existance ov this "I" if the external world ceased to exist, but it does imply that, a s a part ov the world, there is something that does exist besides my perceptions ov the world. But this is only objective, rather than subjective proof. Existance is the interaction ov energy. From human interaction to physics to biological functions to magick to nature to perception itself. This blanket statement seems to hold true to all things. Sexual interaction is a mutual sharing ov energies. To one who is aware ov the interaction ov energy, the sexual act is a very sacred one, and the partner should be chosen with the utmost care. Perceiving all ov life as the interaction ov energy (making love to a different extent than sexual play, but including it as well), it follows that one should make the conscious choice ov what is interacted with, given the chance. Six (one ov my spirit guides) insists that I do exist outside ov my perception ov the world. I suppose that this follows the age old statement, "I think, therefore I am". Perhaps its not something that can be explained, or at least not along the lines which I began this introspection, or maybe an external observation ov my existance is sufficient proof, or the "I" is an abstract concept which cannot be explained through logical thinking. Damnit, I KNOW I exist! The interaction between the self and the world is just that ... a process ov self-discovery ... I am that I am that I am .... I know that I know that I know ... I am a dreamer. I am a modern shaman. I am a techno-mage. I am a groover. I am a deep thinker. I am aware. I am very religious, but not based on any labeled religion ... I am religious in what I know and what I am. I am myself ... that which is ov myself. I am the experiencer, but the experience is not me, althoug h I have identified with my experience ... seen reflections ov myself directly in my experience. I am the interpreter ov my experience. I am an awakener. I help others to see as I have learned to see; through open eyes - to realize that how you interp ret things IS a reflection ov yourself, and it is possible to make more clear the reflectoin and through that, to find the self, the great I AM! I am also aware that there are other "I am"s and some are aware ov that, and have slack, and the rest are either in the process ov achieving a state ov true slack, or are pinks who would rather be told what to do and what to be. I am aware that how I percieved the world and myself in the past has shaped this I-not I which I p ercieve now and that how I percieve this dichotomy now will shape its color in the future, and therefore, it is necessary for me to know what I am in order to consciously shape myself and my future. I am a Sub-Genius! In fact, I am so certain ov what I am, I can dare say that this existance is the only thing that I can be certain ov and there is nothing that can take that away from me. I have faith in myself and the awareness I have ov the world. Nothing can change t he internal "I" which is me and I like the me that I am more and more as I discover more about what I am through my every experience, but I would still exist even without this experience ... it just adds to my understanding ov my existance. I am aware ov my interaction ov my energies with the world, that what I put my energy to will manifest through probablility, which is as a tree branching out before me, and that which I focus on, will be drawn to me as I am drawn to it. As is stated in "This Season's People', "What we pay attention to is the greatest freedom we have. What we pay attention to, we reinforce. That's how we are ea ch other's teachers." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The way I see it, there are two basic ways to percieve the path you must take called your life. You can either accept it grudgingly, feeling trapped in this world ov maya, which will more than likely bring enough nightmares to send you to an asylum (more on nightmares in a bit); or you can accept your path with joy, embrace it and work with it, take your role as co-creator ov your reality. There definitely seems to be some sort ov either externeal influence on th e development ov the comprehension ov the I-not I relationship, or it stems from somewhere deep inside, to the true self that lies within, that seeks to be known, literally manifesting experience to illuminate ... but it is difficult to prove that these lessons/experiences ultimately stem from the self, and thus, a dichotomy is presupposed, and I assume this force to not necessarily be external, but bigger than all things ... the prime mover, the author ov the universe ... there seems to be some greater p urpose to it all and its not wholly left up to the individual for this plan to be manifest ... to realize its presence and work with it leads to a far more enjoyable existance than to deny its existance or worse try to work against the order ov the univer se. To expand further upon my concept ov nightmares ... It is something which I have experienced many times in the height ov my awareness. It is also a very difficult concept to describe. I am not referring to a nightmare in the dream-time sense, nor in an experience which is subjectively "scary". I hope that the following, which I wrote following a nightmare, will elucidate my conception ov such. Six referred to my experience last night as a nightmare; neo-catalytic. He also confirmed my belief that it was because I raised my vibration to such a degree, and that the feeling ov the nightmare is familiar; that I know what its all about. Yes, I responded, but its impossible to explain to people, and wish I could ... or that someone could put it into words for me. Its a very abstract concept ... but so powerful, so certain ... and imperceptable unless the vibrati on is raised to a sufficient degree. I avoid thinking negatively about it, but I cannot deny its frightening aspects. Much more "real" than anything one would term as normal experience. As Six said, all who experience it bow as it comes. He also said that the reason it manifests in the first place is doubt, and the way to counter it is faith. The way to avoid nightmares is faith (as well as the only way to emerge from them). In other words, it serves to reinstill faith in the process ov the universe . As Six said, suffering is purifying ... The world/God works in mysterious ways. It has revealed much to me in its ebbs and flows. Once I tuned in, fell in love with the world, realized the path ov certainty through countless nightmares, I learned that you can question your interpretation ov any one thing, but to question the flow, to doubt the divine process, to deny reality itself, leads to naught but nightmares. But even these are necessary in the process ov becoming. The strange thing is that this only holds true to those who have engaged the flow and percieve existance from this higher perspective. The divine drama must be allowed to unfold. We have no choice but to make our choices and these choices define us, help to reveal who we are. All in the eternal now. Knowing what is past is gone and what is meant to be shall be, no need to dwell on it. Just be. I have found that music is the best medium to get your vibration up and keep it up. But all in all, its up to you to keep your faith, to perpetuate joy. The world is a reflection ov you, or more to the point, your interpretation ov it, and htus the way you perceive it; but the world does exist outside ov perception - take any individual object as an example ... you can perceive it by your senses; know it is there. You know that the object existed prior to your awareness ov it; you know that if you turn your back on it and walk away, you can rest assurred it will be there (provided some outside force doesn't move it; but even this will not negate its existance, just its location). In a very direct sense, "nightmar es" stem from the loss ov faith in the stability ov the universe. Yes the universe is vibration, 90% empty space ... and you can claim to doubt the existance ov anything, but you can't mess with Truth (note, Truth with a capitol T, as opposed to personal interpretations ov things). Like I said, its a difficult concept to explain ... but look at it like this ... from my perspective, in a nightmare, I have fallen from being in flow with things ... the experiences around me, such as snippets ov conversation, music, etc, bring me back, so to speak ... like utilizing my awareness and using my perceptions as a ladder, to flow back up to higher vibrational levels ... another aspect ov this is the eternal here and now ... that is VERY essential to the game ... what you percieve at any given moment ... what is in the realm ov your vision, the sounds that enter your consciousness at that moment ... externally ... these are the here and now that cannot be denied ... No expectations. Nothing to lose. Everything to share. No chains. Set yourself free and fly on the wings ov dreams. Find yourself in your reflection. Catch the flow and ride it home. Not the home where you lay your head, but home where the heart is ... the I AM ... in a state ov love and certainty ... hOMe ... Light can be perceived as both a particle and a wave. Both models are equally valid, though seemingly contradictory. I postulate from this, that similarly, there are more ways to perceive reality itself. This is to say, that there is an alternate way to perceive than we collectively have currently experienced. Individuals, such as myself and various others through experiencing yoga, psychadelics, kundalini, Reichian therapy, raves, etc, have experienced, but only barely hinted at, this alternate perception. In fact, prior to my experience ov heightened perception (which is, might I note, NOTICABLY different than common experience) I could not understand fully what these great teachers I read were truly hinting at. I perceive now that an experience ov what I have termed heightened perception (although this is but one aspect ov this state) is necessary in order to comprehend on the highest level what these people were REALLY trying to tell everyone, and found an equally limiting ammount ov terms to explain this wonderous state, and as I tend to do, resort to metaphor. Definition fails utterly. It can be seen why these people have been regarded as insane, misconstrued as being worshippers ov some demon or other, etc ... One reason I owe for the failure ov most humans to perceive this heightened state is that it takes a lot ov work. "A process ov guided self observation ... which is rarely achieved due to man's unique nature to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday mundane trivia." to quote Monty Python's movie, 'The Meaning ov Life'. In my initial experience ov this state, I was wholly shocked at the experience, yet it was eerily familial, like for once, I was certain ov my place in the here-and-now. Obviously, that here&now has passed, but past experiences play a very direct part ov the coloring ov the self in the present, just as the here&now you perceive relatively shall be your past (and is, relative to your reading this). Countless impressions pass through our perceptions at each moment. Sometimes its a wonder to me that the mind can perceive the most basic ov impressions, and other times I wonder why I am one ov the few who can read betwen the lines and hear my soul speak in all things. (Incidentally, a prime example ov synchronicity just occurred ... as I finished writing wonder and began writing why in the previous sentance, the Rush song in the background intoned "the space between wonder and why" ...). This might sound like some New Age mumbo jumbo, else Native American, but I use these words on my own accord, and with certainty. My world-view is very much a wholistic one. We're all a part ov the same whole whether we admit it, or even perceive it as such. We are vibration. Atoms. Quarks ... but the individual parts ov this whole are what make it up ... The main problem with attempting to explain this concept to the common individual is that there is no way to describe it, nor initiate it. Each person's journey is hir own and not everyone is familiar with the same set ov terms, let alone the inherent need to experience the state in order to comprehend what is said about it. The desire to express that which I have experienced has led me to countless others who describe it in various terms they have found and I make the greatest effort myself to explain it in as many ways as I can, and to the aware, I'm saying the same damn thing over and over again, but with the diversity ov the different ways to describe it, it is necessary in order to get the point across. Many musical artists, including classical artists, but with increasing number and clarity in the past few decades, have been able to express in music that which I speak, and it becomes more and more ov a wonder why more people don't see the world in this higher state. I could say that its all about grooving in the here-and-now. I could also truthfully say that you need to throw away all your preconceptions and barriers as to the nature ov reality and experience. Just experience. Set your mind on auto-pilot and ride the trip out. I can't explain exactly where it goes, for as I have said, everyone's individual journey is their own. This CERTAINLY ISN'T TO SAY that you need to abandon your individuality. Its more ov a re-arranging. Patience, faith, devout concentration but at the same time total relaxation. Once you catch a groove, just ride it out with certainty ov your deliverance. Once you're there, you know you're there. You just keep on riding the groove as the here-and-now takes you. No need to conceptualize what's happening. In fact, this can have a detrimental effect, for you can get caught up in contemplation on the here-and-now and then realize you're stuck in a past trip and lose sight ov the here-and-now. This is bothersome to say the least, and quite frightening to realize that you're not grooving anymore, especially after the initial shock ov realization. There's obviously something missing, and if you were way in the groove when you lost it, you gotta grab onto every perception possible and cruise back up to the groove plane. Especially during the initial realizations, this is painfully evident that you're not on track, and reality will prod you in one way or anothre to get your mind in gear. This has manifested more times than I care to recall in my journey (what I refer to as nightmares). I recall synchronous ringing phones to get my attention, crashing, dropping my cigarette cherry on myself, little tidbits ov conversation, usually ov a dissapointed tone, not SPECIFICALLY aimed at myself, but a reflection, telling me I fucked up. But even the distractions are Buddha, and when you work and find the groove again, even though you don't quite know how you're doing what you're doing, you just know its right. One argument to the whole here-and-now thing is that people think this means that you can't accomplish anything not keeping in mind the future ... but this isn't true, because what you do now is what creates the future. Everything you do is in the here-and-now. Its like being aware ov another language behind the ones you hear, and I'm painfully aware that, although you can buy the music, to bring that into everyday life is not necessarily a direct result ov what music you buy, and I cannot suggest any one way to initiate this state in someone other than myself. Its like being reborn. We go through little deaths and changes ov the way we perceive things all the time, most ov which are apparently not self-induced. I postulate that its all reflections whether you see it as such or not, BUT in order to perceive the reflections as they truly are is a bit much for the conscious to handle and we keep up subconscious barriers to hold back the chaos. I say let the barricades down and ride out the storm like a true warrior! I don't think that its something that you can just wake up one day and perceive without some sort ov higher provocation, be it your higher self or God or whatever this force is. You play an essential part, and the things you do speed up or slow down the process ov becoming. WE ARE ALL ON THE PATH in the grand scheme ov things. To become consciously aware ov your place in the ebbs and flows ov reality in its multitude ov vibrations is what I'm speaking ov. To work more efficiently with what you've been given and discover ways to use your mind which were previously inconceivable to you. If you're looking for the quick path to enlightenment, I hope you got lotsa time on your hands and aren't afraid to be yourself and accept all things as lessons, no matter how frightening, how alone you may feel, just to be free, you'll have to go through what seems to be hell first. It only seems to be hell, because it is the tearing away ov misconceptions, and not the loss ov the self, just the dissolution ov the parts ov yourself that are but self-erected barriers, not actual parts ov the self. From my experience, we all create barriers within ourselves. In some cases, this is from outside imprinting - bad experiences which imprint an averssion to a particular experience or other. To a great extent, these boundaries are in place due to the limitation ov the terms and definitions and "theories" imprinted during the initial experiences ov the third circuit (in Timothy Leary's eight circuit brain model), that ov reason. The first fallacy in this is for those who mistake the definition for the thing, rather than one aspect ov it. This leads to the largest ov barriers ... the fear ov the unknown. The fear that thier method ov perception ov all things is not even remotely explaining all ov personal experience ... or worse yet, that their depest fears are correct, and this world REALLY IS stranger than can be defined. The mind "takes a gamble" by experience ... our thoughts and conceptions are necessarily in existance due to relations to other concepts, which exist in relation to other systems ov belief, and as a whole encompassing our individual tunnel reality. So what holds it all together? Obviously, it is beyond a single individual's experience, for the terms and definitions used have (in by far the greater majority) been taught in one medium or other from the experience ov another person, who in turn acquired his reality tunnel through the teachings ov many other people before him, ad infinitum, to the first experiences ov the first conscious humans. That is to say, the terms we use are not our own. The way we put them together is our own. But in this, we all have a certain faith in these vocal/written symbols, that they would convey an understanding to someone else who has had completely different experiencces than the self. Oftentimes, the terms one uses are not the ones another would use to describe the same thing, and in some cases, have NO terms to describe certain experiences. Some people, because ov this, explore countless sources ov terms, but oftentimes fall into the trap in believing that one set ov terms/belief system is THE TRUE WAY, perhaps becaus it sounds right. But to have one and deny another because it uses different terms to describe the same thing ... its just personal boundaries ... What I like to call the "opening ov the third ear" and others term the crossing ov the abyss to find what I perceive as true experience, or alternatively, the quest for the holy grail, the philosopher's stone, knowledge and conversation with the Holy Guardian Angel, connecting the links between Fater(God)-Holy Spirit(Super-Conscious, True Will, Holy Guardian Angel)-Son(the Divine Child, the Conscious Self, that which directly experiences), achieving a state ov true slack ... When experiencing this deeply, we are streaching our perceptions and accepting them as an inherent part ov ourself. Due to the nature ov our conscious existance, the countless subjective terms to describe certain objects/symbols which are represented through what we term language, both written and spoken are necessary. It is imperative to the western mind to be able to communicate with others under certain relations to other concepts, like a web which holds itself together because ov itself. This holds true for all forms ov symbolism. I would say, with certainty, that it would be beneficial to the student to study foreign languages, alternative belief systems, both religious/philosophical/psychological as well as scientific/magickal correspondence (qabalah). Through the increasing identity with the language/terms you use, and in this symbolical description ov the union ov the I-not I (self and perception ov the world), or, since we are talking emperical experience and not samadhi, this corresponds to opening ov the sixth circuit, Tiphareth, which comprises the symbology ov it all as being the state one wishes to emerge into. Tiphareth, the sun, the christ center, with its eight rays extending to alll the sephiroth ov the spheres above Malkuth (the physical plane) and uniting them. According to the Qabalah, this process unifies the ruach, which is as the sum ov experience ov the rational mind, including imagination, terms and symbol-sets, as well as emotional experience with the higher self and the subconscious. The subconscious mind is the medium through which every respected (relative to those who understand the concept) mystic and mage who speaks ov shutting off ov the mind's clatter to experience directly what is termed oftentimes in mystical terms, for it is an overwhelmingly western philosophies and spoken in such a way by mystics that one must be in this state ov receptivity and understanding in order to perceive what is said behind the terms, behind the symbology. The great game which is but hinted at. Which must be played to understand. The rules ov which cannot be taught, for the requirements necessary to break down the self-built illusions, beliefs ov the "true nature" ov reality imprinted since birth which were taught by other humans equally unknowing ov the "rules", with their own pre-imprinted reality tunnels must be utterly abandoned in order to truly understand. I postulate that ther is a key to unlock these barriers through simply letting it flow. Just experience and learn and allow the lessons to reveal themselves to you. It is a very difficult concept to "give advice" on, as I have pointed out. According to various belief systems, there are two basic means through which to achieve this state. Sensory deprivation, or completely shutting out ov all external input, as achieved through eastern void meditations and floatation tanks, and sensory overload including shamanic trance-dances, and from my personal experience, the best modern example ov this is raves. Sensory deprivation seeks to stop the mind and sensory overload seeks to propell the mind, usually through rhythm and music. I postulate a combined approach to all existance. The misbelief that the self is lost in this exchange is only a partial truth which is an inherent fear which is prevalent in the conscious mind ov the fear ov death. The only thing that dies in this exchange are the misconceptions. The terms we use in everyday existance are a necessary backdrop to the divine play. In heightened states ov perception streached beyond our pre-supposed boundaries, there comes a certain understanding. And almost like a message, even stray bits ov conversation not only obviously play their part, through our experience ov it, but synchronously coincide on all counts to the rest ov the current experience ov the eternal now. I would like to point out a very interesting side note, concerning the nature ov the "now". According to Crowley, in order to achieve a state ov samadhi, the mind must be completely shut off for a mere 12 seconds. While this may seem a simple task at first glance, when one attempts to do so, the mind has a tendency to increase its activity rather than lessen it. My friend, whom I relayed this to when I first read it, told me that he read in a scientific magazine that modern science believes that the mind perceives in 12 second periods, which totally corresponds to the ammount ov time required ov non-thinking to enter into a state ov divine union. This Yoga, or union, as the word yoga means, also includes motionlessness and controlled breathing. Through repetition and focus, the mind is trained to shut-up, the body to shut off, and the breathing fluid, subconscious, but measured, to the beat ov the heart ... this is but one suggested method. But our concern here is not simply to shut off the clattter, but to consciously accept the sensory input, and as I said before, as if in a secret language, which you need to be receptive, for even the most casual ov conversations can reveal a certain understanding through associating the words spoken to a totaly intuitive se ov "definitions" so to speak. A totally radical perception ov all personal experience, where the dvine REALLY DOES speak through ALL things, and to say the least, that the average human cannot possibly comprehend without direct experience ov it. Perhaps one day I will sit down and write the divine dictionary ... how I percieved the words that lead me to the higher states which I once resided ... It pains me so to think how many billions ov people shall fail to grasp the whole ov reality even on its most funamental levels. I am the Hermit who stands upon the mount ov joy with his lamp raised high to guide others along their treacherous climb. The bodhisattva who walks with God, Enoch Khabir - The Aware I am the Dreamer - aware ov the sleep ov life, and 'lucid dreaming' as it were, in conscious reality through an abstract wholistic perception ov it and its flows being reflections ov the self, and thus, using the will to flow events as deemed by what is willed by controlling the flow ov perception in my mind.