Life Trip Part 1

I believe it would be prudent to describe my experiences from an open standpoint and describe them as they happened rather than assume I have undergone any experiences in other people's terms which I do not fully understand. I will also attempt to avoid any speculation on what has occured. I shall also begin from the beginning, so as an outside observer can get a grasp on the whole ov the influences which have led me on the path which I have tread and perhaps give me further insight into this.

I was born in this life to a Christian family, my father a minister and my mother very religious. I grew up in a small town with little unusual external influences. I moved to Pittsburgh, PA following my freshman year ov high school and again, continued with a relatively normal childhood, albeit I was somewhat different than most people. I've always been extremely intelligent and tired easily ov traditional methods taught in school and I couldn't accept the church's teachings without firsthand experience, so I quit going to church when my parents allowed me to make the choice on my own.

Following high school, I had no particular direction, hence did not enroll in any college. I got involved in psychadelic drugs and the rave scene shortly thereafter.

Another important aspect ov realization at that time was that traditional forms ov relationships were limiting and self-defeating. I discovered the other day that this can be interpreted on the Tree ov Life in Netzach, particularly regarding the paths which enter into Netzach from below ... the moon (delusion), the emperor (domination ov one will over another) and the tower (destruction) ... in order to enter into Tiphareth that way, one must destroy that conception (Death). Obviously, the only true conception ov a harmonious relationship between two souls is as priest and priestess, sharing the divine love and the Great Work rather than interpersonal emotions ov Netzach.

My first experiences with magick truly began when I started to really observe my reality and how my thoughts effected the results ov what occured in my life. Rather amusing were the results, for what I focused on with my desire was never what came about. One experiment I attempted was to try to determine every possible angle a particular experience coul result in. Without fail, reality astounded me by something I didn't think ov.

I began meditation around that same time. My first meditation was formulated on my own without the aid ov any book. It consisted ov imagining a band ov energy emanating from just above my head, clockwise down around my body (if you were to look from above) enwrapping my body like a mummy. The very first time that I did this, I was hanging out on top ov a roof with a couple ov friends. As I was asking myself whether I should continue the band upwards in a clockwise or counter-clockwise fashion, my friend blurted out, 'Counter-clockwise!' ... note that I was not partaking in their conversation, and when I asked, he did not know what it was they were talking about that prompted him to say that, let alone at such a loud volume.

The purpose for me doing drugs was always to expand my consciousness rather than to escape reality. I knew that there was more to life than a 9-5 job and I was resolutely determined not to succome to 'normalcy'.

The first magickal system I encountered was Enochian. I focused primarily on the lessons contained within the Aethers. I also studied the rudiments ov the qabalah, but only on the sephira. Numerology and hebrew letters and pathworking didn't interest me. I focused on the overall pattern rather than the specific details. I refused to perform any rituals contained in any books because I knew in my heart that whatever I devised myself would have much more power than proclaiming words which meant nothing to me. Also, I had no desire to learn magick to manipulate my external reality, only to heighten my comprehension ov reality and ov myself.

I recall one morning, sitting alone in my room following a long night ov tripping. I realized that there was so much more to life than I had any conception ov at the time. I proclaimed to whatever powers that be that it was my will to know and learn. I had read some ov Gems from the Equinox and made the oath that every experience was a particular dealing ov God with my soul.

I dove into reality, living life for the moment. I went to every rave I could and filled myself with all manners ov psychadelics. I read in a book entitled 'Liber Null and Psychonaut' that there are two primary means ov achieving higher states ov consciousness. One is sensory deprivation, shutting off the mind completely through deep meditation, and the other is sensory overload. Raves are 100% sensory overload experiences. Music for auditory, lights and lasers for visual and ecstatic dance for kinesthetic (the three primary sensory systems). Modern day shamanic-trance dance experiences, not to mention that the music all contains subliminals centered around opening up the mind to new levels ov consciousness.

Another aspect ov this book was that a variation ov my own personal symbol was drawn upon the cover ov the book. The copy that I read was imported from england and the american version has a totally different sigil. The sigil that I associated with myself was that ov an eye above the eight-rayed cross ov chaos which pierced and was encompassed by a circle. This began as a mere scribble in high school, not even consciously representing the eye over the chaos cross motif. To me, this represented the eye being the observer, watching over the chaos as it expanded, the circle representing the infinity ov reality, my not-I, that which I percieved (for all that I did not perceive did not exist in my world). The sigil on the front ov Liber Null was that ov an eye ov horus within a triangle within a circle with the eight rays ov the chaos cross extending from the circle's edge. The significance ov this sigil struck me much later, following the first phase ov my spiritual awakening. There are many interpretations, but when compared to my previous symbol, the eye in the triangle represented the consciousness moving into the seat ov wisdom (hence the eye ov horus) which resides within the inner temple (the triangle as binah and the circle as the infinity ov nuit) and being within instead ov without, allowing one a seat ov power, controlling from within the expansion ov the not-I.

One day I was tripping on acid, hanging out in my church (my house was connected to the church), I was hanging out with my female ov the hour and my friend was off with his drunk girlfriend. I was sitting on the throne behind the pulpit, looking down into this girl's eyes and it was as if a greenish shadow lowered down over her (from my perception). I shook it off, but when I looked at her again, the same thing happened. We decided to vacate the premises, as I had very little serious contact with spiritual entities before. As we left, my other friend gave me a look and asked, 'what the fuck is following you?' We went back to my room, where I figured we were safe, as I had protections set up. But every time I looked in anyone's eyes, even my cat's, it was the eyes ov this entity which I saw. I invited Parzival and another spiritual friend over to help me determine what I should do. Parzival urged me to look into his eyes and face whatever it was. We determined that it was best seen in the dark. I must point out that he saw it as well, and I was no longer seeing visuals from the acid. What I saw was a shifting myriad ov faces, occasionally fading my entire field ov vision into darkness. I determined that it would be presumptuous to banish this particular entity without first understanding it better. One thing which I had noted the night before that I had been, for the majority ov my life, merely an observer. I never really had much to say. Following that night, I was filled with so much energy and you couldn't shut me up. I was bouncing off the walls. I stayed awake all day and drank some Robitussin DM (synthetic, non-addictive morphine) and went to a rave in baltimore, where I took a considerable ammount ov more acid. It was there where I truly tapped into the music and found my own dance (or it found me, depending on your perspective). The best way that I could describe this dance would be playing with the energy flows within my body, flowing energy around within my body with the music, very serpantine (which serpant happens to be one ov my totems). [Side note, to illustrate the dance further, at another rave, a friend ov mine approached me and said : You know, I just saw you move your body in ways a human shouldn't be able to] Everyone but a couple ov my spiritual friends were afraid to look at me as I danced. I was throwing energy everywhere and flowing with the music like I was a part ov it. I realized that whatever that entity was was still with me. I ended up staying up another full day and going to another rave party the next night. A few weeks following, I was tripping with another friend ov mine. The trip was particularly intense, although I didn't take very much acid. It was as if every step I took, the visuals became more and more intense. My friend began slurring incomprehensible words and it was apparent to me that whatever this force was had posessed him and said amongst the insane ramblings, 'it only wants to be friends.' Shortly thereafter, I recall looking into its eyes (for they no longer looked like my friend's) and our eyes locked in a piercing merging. I must also point out that I have been able to show this entity to everyone but my most closed-minded spiritual friend, but I have naught but speculation as to this entity's true nature.

Over the next few months, my most intense experiences were on acid, which I will explain to the best ov my ability. The following are individual experiences ...

I was at a friend's party at his house. Just a normal gathering. This friend ov mine is perhaps one ov the most spiritually aware people I have ever met. I recall being acutely aware ov everything, which was no surprise, being on acid, but there was a particular quality which I had not experienced before, a certainty about the whole thing and everything that happened, and I knew it was all transpiring for a very particular reason which was unbeknownst to me at the time. To describe the individual happenings would be difficult at best, but I will point out a few which, at the time, were quite poignant to me, as these shed light on later experiences. At one point, my spiritual friend made a comment to me about it being his job to be acutely aware. It struck me as being much more poignant than a mere stating ov the facts, and it felt like more ov a forshadowing ov what was to come for myself. At another point, there was music playing in the background. It was spoken word to music. It hit me as if it were speaking directly to my soul, speaking ov my name being enscribed in a book when time began and that this was but the beginning and my fate was sealed. The oddest thing about that was the fact that the host had no idea what that was even tho he had been in charge ov the music all night, he didn't even recall it being played and I know that he is acutely aware ov whatever music is playing at all times ...

Parzival and I were going to a rave. We each had 7 hits ov lsd and I had an extra two which I was going to give to my friend, Chris because I owed him a favor. Parzival ate all 7 ov his. I ate 5. Parzival freaked out and left the rave shortly after we arrived. A friend ov mine, Lynn, asked me if I could get any acid, and as Parzival had freaked out and I was somewhat weary, so I sold her the two which I had intended to give to Chris, because I couldn't locate the two I had intended to eat. The reason for this was because I had, in my one coat pocket, where I was keeping everything for the evening, two packs ov regular cigarettes, a pack ov cloves, a lighter, a zippo, two pairs ov sunglasses, five $1 food stamps, four $1 bills, a bunch ov change and a slew ov loose papers. She gave me a $10 bill for the two hits. I then ran into Chris and gave him the two hits which were intended for me. I was rather tweaked in the head at this point. No matter where I went, my path was met with Chris or Lynn, and at one point, Chris asked me who Lynn was because he kept running into her everywhere he went. I attempted, to no avail, to relax, until Chris walked up to me with a stick ov incense and said, 'I have no idea where I got this, I just knew I had to give it to you.' An important note is that I always used to take incense with me to raves, but had neglected to do so this time. I relaxed and began to enjoy myself, but there was still something wrong. My friend approached me and asked if I needed any acid. Then it dawned on me the mistake I had made giving the hits which were intended to me to Chris and Chris's hits to Lynn, so I said yes, and fished through my overflowing pocket for the $10 bill Lynn had given me. I seriously emptied my pocket and couldn't find the 10. I had already wasted enough ov his time, and I felt bad, so I gave him the four $1s and the change for one hit, knowing full well that it wouldn't satisfy my dilemma. As he turned around, I reached into my pocket and the 10 literally jumped into my hand as the music stopped and went, 'MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' ... I chased after my friend and bought the two hits and rode out the rest ov the night. There is much more that I could say concerning events ov the following morning. Everything was seemingly more colorful and vibrant and alive, moreso than I'd ever experienced it before. On my way home, I stopped in a used bookstore up the street from me on a whim. I knew the proprietor rather well and he approached me and said, 'I got something that I felt would interest you, so I held it for you.' It was a copy ov Isis Unveiled. I went home and got money for it and immediately took him up on the offer. This is the first thing that I read from it and it struck me as very much poignant to the experience :
Theon, ov Smyrna, aptly compares the philosophical discipline to the mystic rights: "Philosophy," says he, "may be called the initiation into the true arcana, and the instruction in the genuine Mysteries. There are five parts ov this initiation: I. the previous purification (I took this to mean my experience at the rave the night before); II. the admission to participation in the arcane rites (obviously, whatever powers that be had accepted my call and the arcane rites were the deeper side ov the rave experience); III. the epoptic revelation (which I had little understanding ov at the time, but I was soon to find out); IV. the investiture or enthroning (recall the bit about my personal sigil compared to that on the cover ov Liber Null); V. - the fifth, which is produced from all these, is friendship and interior communion with God, and the enjoyment ov that felicity which arises from intimate converse with divine beings... Plato denominates the epopteia, or personal view, the perfect contemplation ov things which are apprehended intuitively, absolute truths and ideas. The fifth gradation is the most perfect felicity arising from hence, and, according to Plato, an assimilation to divinity as far as is possible to human beings.
I couldn't sleep following this experience, for its effect was so powerful on my psyche. It was then that I truly realized that my thoughts profoundly effected the nature ov my experience. When I felt overwhelmed by the power ov my experience, the experience seemed overwhelmingly powerful. When I calmed down, my experiences seemed calm and relaxing. I had contemplated this before, but I was so much more aware ov the subtlties ov my experience at that time that it made a considerable ammount more impact ... and this was only the beginning.


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