Winding: Chapter 1


I awoke to soothing rhythms of ethereal ambient music filling my ears. Snapping alert, I realized that the music was entirely unfamiliar. Sitting up and examining my surroundings, I found them entirely foreign. The first rays of the dawn sun shone through a large bay window, illuminating the room in a soft glow.

The plush 4-poster bed with black lace canopy opened into the room. A small table, which stood beside the bed, contained my shoulder bag and an ashtray. The only other furnishings in the room were an Oriental rug with a coffee table on top of it and a large plush couch. The walls were draped with oriental tapestries of dragons depicted in various acts. One was two dragons coiling about one another in martial stance. Another was of a serpent wound around in a circle, biting its own tail. A third depicted a dragon diving from the sky to strike. Two closed doors on separate walls appeared modern, with handles; one opening in, the other out.

My first instinct suggested that this was some sort of unbidden astral experience. I attempted to float up out of the bed and take on the god form of Tahuti, the Egyptian god of wisdom. This had the same affect as if I had tried the same in my own bed. Had it worked, I could've assumed the stature and demeanor of a glorious ibis-headed god and altered my reality in subtle ways, like a partially real lucid dream.

With confusion, I realized that this was, in fact, quite real, yet there were no speakers to supply the ambient sounds that still flooded the room. The music seemed to be sourceless and couldn't be pinpointed with my senses. It flowed around me like a disembodied entity. It was somewhat disconcerting, and quite intricate. Random beats flowed from the negative space, and there was a soft droning like a Didgeridoo. The beats sounded Arabic at one point, tribal another. It seemed to constantly change, while maintaining a wispy ambience. It was eerie, yet calming.

I was still in my clothes from the previous day, but that was nothing new. I often stayed up until the last ounces of strength gave out and I collapsed without changing for bed. I reached into my left pocket and felt the familiar lump of my medicine pouch. I produced a pack of clove cigarettes and my Zippo from my right pocket and lit up a smoke while I pondered my situation. At least they were kind enough to supply me with an ashtray. The smoke circled around me and collected in the canopy. My lips tasted sweet from the oils.

Searching my satchel, I found its usual contents: my most recent notebook with a pen tucked neatly in its spiral binding, my ritual dagger, a black velvet pouch containing my hand painted tarot deck, and a small wooden box. The box contained chalk, a charcoal drawing pencil, a small vial of oil for sealing and consecration, matches, and incense.

If whoever brought me here did so for the purpose of causing me harm, why would they allow me my sorcerous tools? For some reason, which I couldn't fathom, they wanted me at my full potential. Did they wish me to perform a service for them? Or was this some sort of test? No one came to mind who would go to the lengths required to move me in my sleep without drugging me first. There was no haziness of drug hangover. Was it a government conspiracy, or some higher power? Perhaps I had some sort of memory lapse. Was I losing my mind?

I knew with certainty that I had fallen asleep in my own bed. My residence is a ranch house about an hour north of San Fransisco with a few acres of woods and hills. My business was primarily conducted on the phone or via email. Being a web designer has its benefits; I made my own hours and never had to leave my corner of the woods except for the occasional trip to the store. The past week's events had not been out of the ordinary; the usual intense studying, a good deal of writing, some minor dealings with students of the occult. I helped someone who came over to deal with a particularly unwholesome spirit he'd managed to link to his aura. Nothing a little psychic surgery and cleansing couldn't help. The spirit was banished back to his home, dissipated to rejoin the flow of the life force.

I hadn't called out for any particular awakening, and didn't feel any crazier than usual. I was once diagnosed with schizotypey, which I find laughable that they have a 'disorder' which implies magical thought, where reality can speak to you through random events. To me, these secret messages are a common occurrence. Synchronicities let you know you're on the right track.

I gave up on trying to figure out who and why without further investigation. Regardless of my contemplations, they were letting me wonder about it all, giving no indication of their identity as of yet. I shorted my clove and stood up. My trusty speed-lace boots sat at the foot of the bed. I pulled them on and pulled up the laces, having tied them military-style with knots in the top to avoid retying. The boots were tied with the extra lace wrapped around the top, and the ends of the double-knot tucked neatly in. I slid the sheath clip of my dagger into the waist of my pants and slung the satchel over my shoulder.

Looking out the window to determine if that was a feasible means of escape, my breath was taken away by the scene. A vast mountain landscape circled the horizon. The sun's rays just barely haloed the mountaintops, leaving the valley below in misty, early morning shadows. The window had no latches or hinges. I gave up on the idea of trying to break it and climb down when I put my face against the glass and saw the sheer drop below. I had no experience at rock climbing. So much for that option.

Trying one door, I found it locked. Not a problem, just a hassle. I decided to try the other door before testing my lock-picking skills or making a lot of noise breaking it down. The second door opened to a full bathroom. I entered and glanced in the mirror, almost expecting to see an unfamiliar face staring back at me. The eyes I met were my own; blue-green with yellow-green sunbursts around the pupils. My red hair was cut short, with three braids hanging down the left side of my face, each with a bead; one in the form of a scarab beetle, one a bone carved in the shape of a skull, and the third housed a glimmering fire opal. Two-day-old stubble littered my thin facial features and my goatee was in need of a trim. My left ear was double pierced with surgical stainless steel earrings; one with an amethyst bead, the other a simple hoop. It was me, alright; I could recognize that sneer anywhere.

I found that a clean set of my own clothes had been laid out along with towels. Figures it was my favorite shirt, too; a collarless button up black shirt. My toothbrush and shaver sat under the mirror. I took this as an indication that not only does my abductor know me very well, they're making it a point that they know me. If they were out to harm me, they wouldn't bother with such minor details. I suspended my disbelief and relieved myself, then turned on the water in the bath. I proceeded to soak for a good half-hour, attempting to figure out, to no avail, who on earth would go to such ends and why. My lodging seemed pleasant enough, and if it weren't for the music, I might assume a more material source for my abductor. I was calm enough to think rationally, but still utterly confused. It seemed like some sort of practical joke, except for the haunting melodies.

Finishing my cleaning rituals, I dressed and tossed my clothes to the side. If I managed to escape this place on bad terms with its owners, my old set of clothes could be discarded, and shavers and toothbrushes are a dime a dozen.

Returning to my sleeping quarters, I found that a full breakfast had been laid out on the coffee table, complete with Earl Grey tea. 'Plenty of sugar and a touch of honey, just as I like it,' I spoke out loud, assuming my abductor could hear me. It still made me feel somewhat uneasy, even though whoever brought me here seemed to know me like an old friend.

The ethereal music still flowed through the room. I searched again with my senses and still found no sign of speakers anywhere. Reluctantly giving up on solving the musical mystery, I had a seat on the couch to eat the meal prepared for me. A voice in the back of my head wondered if the food was subtly drugged and perhaps I'd been here longer than I had originally thought. It was surprisingly tasty with a touch of hot pepper. When I had finished, I drew my tarot cards from their pouch and held them between my palms. Shuffling, I focused on the question that kept hounding me, 'why am I here?'

Clearing my head of all but that thought, I randomized the cards, and three of them practically jumped out of my hands and onto the coffee table. Their correspondences filled my mind one by one.

My eyes first glanced over the card of Synchronicity - all things happen for a reason. Synchronicity is when two or more events are meaningfully related, according to Jung. Synchronicities are created on a level other than the third dimension. You attract the synchronicity to you on a higher level then it manifests in third dimension. In the flow we have an intuitive sense that affirms we are connected to the universe. Knowing we are in the right place at the right time. The moment of full and complete awareness that we are part of something far greater than ourselves. Being in tune with our environment and ourselves helps us become more aware of ourselves and our relationship with the world.

The second was that of Reflections. Reflections implies the coupling of subjective and objective reality. It suggests a oneness with the universe, which ties into synchronicity. Events in the external world being reflections of the self, it shows that we are a part of our own destiny. Oftentimes, an imbalance or restriction within the self, reflected upon the world causes trials and ordeals. It's also the world reflected in you, and the macrocosm in the microcosm and vice versa.

The final card was the Watcher. The watcher suggests an ever-present force that keeps an eye on things, I contemplated, my paranoia heightening. Someone or something was observing me, that was for certain. Perhaps further insight will come when I figure my way through the door. I packed up my cards, somewhat frustrated.

The wisest thing for me to do was to clear my head as best as possible before forcing the locked door. If something was coming for me, I may as well be at full preparedness. I moved the coffee table off to one side to give me room for my exercises.

Reaching into my bag, I pulled out the small vial of oil. With oil dabbed on my fingertips, I drew arcane symbols to seal and consecrate the windows, doors and a circle around myself. This served to purify the area, seal in and focus the energies I was about to extend, and keep out unwanted energies. I performed a Star Ruby banishing followed by the Banishing of AL. Together, this cleansed the energy in the room, and focused my attention towards ritual work. They act as triggers once you have sufficient experience, and shift the mind into ritual head-space.

I then began to stretch and flow my body in a moving meditation; a variant form of tai-chi developed during my years of dancing at rave parties. Fluid motion, flowing with the music, becoming the sounds and re- affirming my connection with the vibe - the flow of synchronicity. The ambient patterns were fluid and my motions followed them into deeper realms. My mind slipped into a light trance-state as I traced out designs with my form. Energy flowed throughout my body, and it twisted, serpent-like, to the undulating rhythms that bubbled out of the ambience. The tempo seemed to increase somewhat, but maintained a hauntingly chill tone. The exercise left me feeling alive and invigorated. My mind was clear, my body limber.

I adored Nuit, the night sky goddess of infinite possibilities, with an eleven stanza poem I had written to her.

I invoke thee with a pure heart, all penetrant one of Infinite Space and the Infinite Stars thereof
I am the secret serpent coiled about to spring: in my coiling there is joy; therefore behold and share it with me!
Bend upon me, o Nuit, for I am the winged globe and thou art the starry blue
The Little World my sister sings praise at our joining
For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union
I adore thee in the consciousness of the continuity of existence and the omnipresence of thy body
I yearn for the myriad expressions of our love
Burn upon my brow, o azure-lidded one
My heart is enflamed with prayer; to you! To you!
Let it build evermore, o continuous one of heaven
Thine ecstasy is in mine. I yearn to you, Nuit! I love you!

Following meditation on infinity, I made myself receptive to the subtle incorporeal energies. In this state, I can feel objects without actually touching them by their energy fields. It's like my energy works as a sort of sonar. It's excellent for maneuvering around a dark room you already have mapped out in your mind. A visual scan is entirely necessary for me to get a decent scan. The eyes aid in the mapping process. It's similar to making a mental map in your mind, but adding an emotional level to it. I felt out the room for anomalous energy patterns; spells, scrying devices, spirits or any other clues to this mystery such a receptive state might supply. My senses drew me to a powerful energy center beyond the locked door. The power of whatever lay beyond the door drowned out any other impressions. I'd never felt anything like it before. There was more structure than if I had been attempting to peer into the endless void of the abyss, and much more intense power than an artifact filled with energy from countless rituals. Not even knowing what it was, it at least gave the impression that it's not something I could reproduce.

'Ok, I'm ready when you are,' I called out, 'now what?'

After a considerable wait, it did not appear as though someone were coming to me. I determined that my best approach was to send a spirit through the door before proceeding to expose myself to such foreign magic.

Removing the chalk from my satchel, I quickly sketched an evocation circle, sealed a different circle around myself, and then uttered words of summoning for a mercurial spirit. Such pseudo-entities are good to send out for information, as the god of Mercury was the messenger god. Some say that these spirits are actually thought forms, which can function on higher dimensional levels. To my amazement, an apparition of myself appeared before me.

'I've been watching you since you woke up,' my ghost said to me, 'get to picking that lock, it'll take you a bit of tinkering.'

'How do you know?' I asked, 'what's going on here?'

'I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise,' said the ghost, 'I'm from your future, but not far enough that I know exactly what's happening here.'

Breaking off a couple of rings from my spiral binding, I pulled one into a tension bar, the other curled slightly at the end to catch the tumblers. I fiddled with it for a good while before the final tumbler clicked in place. The door swung silently open on its hinges. Masks of unknown origin lined the walls of the dim hallway beyond. The music in my head shifted distinctly towards the tribal beat, and the rhythm became more prevalent, as if to fit the surroundings. The hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. I unsnapped the sheath of my knife, just in case, then took a step forward into the unknown.

As I stepped through the door, the spell was apparently triggered, or the food actually was drugged. It felt like my body was passing through some form of field, which excited every cell. My vision turned upside down then spiraled out into infinity. The music in my head deconstructed to digitized glitches. It almost felt like fishing out on nitrous. The image seemed to shift colors, then spun back into place and righted itself as the music built to a crescendo of grating sounds, then broke into silence. Intense vertigo wrenched my insides and I lost my breakfast on the polished marble floor, illuminated by sunlight. As relieving as it was, the absence of the music left me feeling somewhat alone in a new environment.

The disorientation faded as my surroundings came into focus. I found myself on an ornate balcony, presumably unviewable from the angle I was peering at from above. The balcony opened to the east, for the sun radiated in from just above the mountain peaks, which appeared to be the same ones I saw from the bedroom window. Looking out, I realized I was at a much lower altitude than before, but still a few hundred yards from the cliff's base. The morning mist had dissipated and the valley was now flooded with sunlight. There were no roads, trails, or even a lone climber to indicate any other human presence. The balcony was open in to a large, vaulted hall.

A brazier next to the south wall contained a flame, which burned blue and smokeless. These eerie flames leapt to a height of nearly ten feet. Although the hall was quite large and the brisk morning air was chill beside the balcony, the heat from the flame filled the rest of the hall with a warmth similar to the comfort found when sitting before a campfire on a cold night cuddled next to a loved one. It reminded me of a time just out of high school when I went camping in the mountains of Colorado with some friends. We built a huge bonfire that you didn't even have to stand close to in order to get warm.

The west wall contained an intricately carved marble fountain. Water flowed from the head of a jackal, whose head protruded from a knotwork pattern with finely sculpted flowers entwined in it and a winged egyptian disk at the top. The jackal head was carved so finely it appeared to have hair, its eyes unsurprisingly following me wherever I went. It was a bit unnerving, and at one point I stared back, hoping to make it blink.

The north wall contained a symbol, carved in bas relief upon the granite surface. Not just any symbol. The symbol I associated with myself and my spiritual path; an eye of Horus, surrounded by a triangle, contained within a circle. Eight rays of a chaos cross extended from the edges of the circle like on the wheel of a ship.

The sigil's correspondences ran through my head like a fond memory. The eye is representative of the human consciousness. The triangle, the inner temple, constructed through guided visualization and perceptual games, trials and purification. The circle with the eight rays extending corresponds to the infinity of possibilities and existence, ever expanding. Its Qabalistic correspondences; the circle as Kether, the eye Chokma, the triangle, Binah. The three together representing the mind in an awakened state, secure within the consecrated space within the soul, perceiving the surrounding chaos, and with its expansion, the consciousness flows with it and has the ability to manipulate the flow in subtle ways.

The feeling of confronting destiny directly overwhelmed me. Orienting myself with the knowledge that the balcony was east, I realized the whole room was as a manifested ritual circle. Staring at the familiar sigil from the middle of the hall, I extended my arms and my subtle perceptions. Each representation of the elements filled my spatial awareness. Whatever brought me here was powerful. I felt drawn to my sigil upon the wall. What was this doing here? Walking over, I reached out to run my fingers across it.

As my fingers touched the cool stone surface of the sigil, I began to feel a tingling sensation running through my body, vibrating my insides. I attempted to pull my hand away, but it felt as though it were glued there. I stopped pulling and felt the current increase. My hand began to move forward, into the rock itself. It felt like mud between my fingers, but did not alter the sigil's appearance. Soon my entire arm was within the stone wall, dragging the rest of me vibrating with it. I took a deep breath as my face was drawn into the rock, and attempted to move my body with the attracting force. Eyes shut tight, I plodded forward through the earth for what seemed like many yards, until my outstretched hand struck air and the rest of me slowly emerged, gasping for breath.

I found myself, no longer vibrating, into a scene, which seemed intuitively familiar, although I did not recall ever seeing or devising anything remotely similar. I was in a large, pillared hall, lit eerily in a purple light, almost like black light, filtering from an altar of purplish, iridescent crystal, glowing bright enough to cast my shadow dimly upon the wall behind me from 40 yards away. The wall I had just emerged from now felt solid, with some sort of knotwork similar to that on the fountain.

My eyes adjusted to the lighting, and I took in my surroundings. I saw no obvious exits, but the walls were littered with this unusual knotwork, which I could sense had some sort of pattern in them. The familiarity started nagging at me, and I ached my mind for correspondences. Behind the altar was a symbol, similar to the one in the previous hall, except the eye was of the moon; the left eye of set, and instead of the rays, Egyptian wings extended out, like on the fountain.

Along the floor leading up to the altar was some sort of diagram. There was a circle in the center approximately 3 feet across, with eight lines extending from it at different angles than the chaos cross. Seven of them ended in similar circles nearby, and the eighth followed the floor up to the altar, which further examination revealed its termination in a circle behind the altar. It dawned on me that it was like the center of the tree of life with only the paths connecting from Tiphareth, the sphere of the sun, carved out, and Malkuth, the sphere of earth, was missing.

Looking over the walls in more detail, I found that the lattice of knotwork was intricately woven from the stone, and after examining a few achingly familiar panels, I realized it was some sort of script, in three dimensions! Such a writing in a different medium than two dimensions was inconceivable to me, but it was damned familiar! As I walked about the hall, something clicked in my mind and the realization dawned on me that one perspective seemed most familiar of all. It was like trying to focus on a stereogram except from a foreign memory and slowly shifting around the room to bring it into clarity of mind. As it clicked into place, I found my feet on the center circle.

The plate on the floor began to glow golden yellow, as if the stone itself were lit up. Shifting my senses to the ethereal, I saw some sort of humanoid spirits, or remnants of powerful thought-forms, standing in the seven nearby circles, directing their gossamer hands at me. The stones beneath them glowed with different colors: red, blue, orange, green, purple, brilliant white and one emitting... darkness? They chanted in an unfamiliar tongue, which resonated in foreign ways. Arcs of colored energy shot at me in a rainbow from each of the spirits and I felt an incredible surge of power. It was so familiar and intense, building inside of me, then releasing out a brilliant gold light along the line to the altar. A glowing radiance began to form behind the altar, apparently fueled by the energy channeling through me. It grew to ten feet tall, and the wings appeared to come alive, flickering in its phosphorescent brilliance. It seemed angelic, and I sincerely felt in the presence of something truly divine. The glow grew to a magnesium flare, and I was forced to cover my eyes.


My eyes opened to find once again the hall with its four elemental correspondences. An after-image of the angelic being lingered for some time, and I had to blink a few times to be able to see clearly. What that was, I hadn't the faintest idea. It felt very familiar and very important.

Examining the knotwork on the fountain again, I found that it also contained the three-dimensional script. I stared at it for some time, then pulled the charcoal from my satchel and took a rendering of it in my notebook, spanning many pages. Following this painstaking work, my throat was parched. Locking eyes with the ever-watching jackal, I cupped my hands to sip some of the cool nectar. It was chill, like from a mountain spring, but filled me with a healing warmth. Drinking some more, the warmth began to flood throughout my body. After a few drinks, I began to get woozy, and sank down to the floor.

Pleasantly drunk, my body seemed to be turning to liquid and pooling out across the floor. I felt anesthetized, and with some glimmer of awareness, parts of me evaporated and floated out of the balcony to the clouds above. Dreamlike, my senses gazed down through a foggy haze I was a part of, to a dizzying landscape below, moving past as if time had been sped up, and day turned to night. It was like experiencing a million different perspectives of the same event. Our course followed the mountains to the desert, where I rained down life. I dove from the sky, one piece at a time and coalesced on top of a mesa, naked. I watched from above, from countless perspectives falling fast, until I found myself staring up at the sky, rain dripping on my face. I'd had some benders waking up in unfamiliar places, but this took the cake. Strangely, my body felt sober.

The mesa was an island in the midst of the vast desert. The rain stopped, and one last drop plopped on my head and seeped into my hair. The clouds quickly dissipated, their mission accomplished. The full moon shone down from the now cloudless sky above, bathing the rocks and sand in a silvery luminescence. The stars were overwhelmingly crisp and clear, quite unlike the clarity numbed by city lights. So awed by the beauty of this scene, I hardly gave a second thought to the fact that the moon should have been barely waxing. Perhaps more time had passed since my abduction than I realized.

A coyote bayed in the distance, echoing out its loneliness in the emptiness surrounding me. It made me feel so small in the expanse of desert with the infinite sky above me. A snake slithering across the sand at my feet. It seemed to contrast the infinite expanse around me in picturesque beauty. The symbolism struck me all at once. The infinite night sky as Nuit, the snake Hadit; the macrocosm and the microcosm. I was there in the middle, manifest from the infinitely small, in order to be touched by the infinitely vast. Novelty increasing over millions of years from single-celled life to human life to reach this point. Humanity is the highest form of evolution we know. But someone or something brought me here with powers far beyond ours.

I drew a huge ritual circle atop the mesa and adored Nuit, reciting my poem, and felt suspended in air, caressed by a cool, gentle breeze. It felt as though every cell of my body was being massaged. The bliss of the flame of the hearts filled my chest and expanded out to touch the infinite, which seeped into me. It was as though I were in the arms of a lover, nuzzling her bosom. The energies let me down gently back onto the mesa and the breeze caressed my lips in a soft kiss.

I walked about the mesa, careful to avoid stepping on the local wildlife. I noticed an opening amongst an outcropping of rock on the edge of the mesa. Upon closer examination, it appeared that footholds had been carved out of the stone itself, leading down into unknown depths. A soft glow emanated from below, beckoning me.

I climbed down the cramped tube for some distance, then emerged in a small cave. A surge of power washed over me as my feet touched the floor. A lantern, suspended from the ceiling, which burned green, lit the cavern dimly. In the floor had been carved a circle, which contained a censer burning sweet herbs that eased my mind into a dream-like state. Next to the censer sat a glass pipe, filled with a curious substance.

The pipe was packed with what appeared to be a green bud, like marijuana, covered with a white powder of some sort. I withdrew my lighter and proceeded to inhale a couple of deep puffs from the pipe. It succeeded at first in enhancing my transient state.

Suddenly, I felt a rush and everything in the room shifted into an amazingly colorful electrified constantly changing geometric pattern. Everything was prime color cranked up to its fullest potential. It felt profoundly important, and even though I could swear I'd never seen hallucinations like this before, it would feel like a lie. The wall of the cave began to move. It undulated and became iridescent and seemed like something was trying to push through it. A slit formed in a vaginal way and I felt compelled to enter it.

I let the feeling take me along with it and flowed with this urge, was filled with it and became it. My senses moved through a tunnel, perceptions lost in bright, constantly shifting geometric patterns along the walls. I began to wonder if I was dying and could no longer feel my body. The distinct calling of ambient music from some nameless location filled my being and washed over me in waves of sound and emotion. Bright colors streaked by as I floated down the tunnel, flowing around me with the music, sweeping past in vast arcs of hallucinatory brilliance. The sense of a reality-unlocking secret nearby pervaded the experience.

This place was beyond any magic of human potential, or that of any entities I had knowledge of. The realm in which these experiences were taking place were beyond any dreamscape and much more real than any astral voyage. I was being granted the opportunity to experience this for purposes unknown to me, but I knew in my heart, even more so now, that my own destiny confronted me, be I alive or dead.

I emerged in a huge domed hall, covered with crawling circular shapes making up other geometric designs, all in soul-touching colors. The presence of ancient spirits whose wisdom spanned ages long before my existence confronted me. They were like jeweled balls, encrusted with the ever-changing patterns that seemed so familiar. As I felt out the entities, they revealed themselves to me as very playful, yet with much mystery, inciting me to join in the game to discover the secrets they held.

They were speaking to me, except they didn't have mouths to speak with. I could somehow feel what they were saying, like telepathy, with unfamiliar sounds. Alien sounds. The words themselves made no rational sense. Perhaps this was vocal version of the script I had seen. They were saying they loved me, and needed me for something important. They communicated that I was chosen. Special. It was cartoonish and dream-like, but so real and familiar in an even creepier way than the temple. The sense of emotional connection was terrifying and intense.

The strange entities led me towards a shrine of some sort, like a giant bowl. They wanted me to get in it. It felt very hot here. I was overcome with the beauty and felt at peace, but then a nagging thought entered my mind. What was this force that brought me here? What was its purpose? Doubt began to consume me. I stepped onto the edge of the bowl and my consciousness flashed, connecting the heat to a flame. Suddenly, I was standing in the great hall, which was brightly colored in the crawling hallucinations similar to those in the cave, and I was about to step IN to the fire, completely naked!

My senses reeled and I collapsed to the floor of the hall of elements, naked and totally freaked out. I started to catch my breath and feel my frantic pulse. As I focused on my breath, I was suddenly snapped back into the room where the jeweled entities were trying to calm me down and coax me back up to the brazier. Flames were now visible in this alien landscape and appeared to be some strange form of energy pattern, similar to the one behind the door of the room I awoke in! Intricate, brilliant blue patterns invited me into them.

I backed away and flashed into the hall, still alit with glowing, shifting designs. The card of reflection popped into my head once again. What was being manifested here was a reflection of my self, soul, and fear of the unknown. I stood up and flashed back into the alien space. The beings exuded patterns of joy, welcomed me back, and continued to try to lead me back to the brazier as if nothing had happened.

What if I lost my mind, and this was just a drug hallucination from the water? They told me, 'This is what you're here for. You know what to do. No talk, just do.' It seemed so familiar, so right. It flashed in my mind that they were right, even though it didn't make sense. I resolved to fully vanquish my fears, to release all doubts that hindered me. They sent me joy and calming thoughts and helped me up into the bewildering fire.

'The flame of the hearts' flashed in my mind as I stepped directly into the oddly geometric flame. The fires about me did not burn, but penetrated, slowly at first, from toe to head. My chakras ignited with sunbursts of energy, one by one, as they were filled with the brilliant, watery blue energies. Peacefulness flowed up my body as a rising tide, cleansing and washing away impurities.

When my crown chakra flared with brilliant blue light, the flames around me changed their hue from the cleansing blue to purifying, fiery red, immolating me and consuming what blockages remained. Every cell in my body began to excite and tingle immediately. The slow heat entered the base of my spine, uncoiling the serpent kundalini, its warmth ever so slowly easing its way up my spinal column.

The intense ecstasy was incomparable to any of my previous attempts at kundalini-raising I believed had yielded positive results in my past; even beyond any experience with the ecstasy-inducing drug MDMA. The intensity threatened to overwhelm my consciousness. Instead, my soul, reality, all existence, was transmuted in the alchemical transfiguration, the dross burned away.

All the pain I had ever experienced melted away, accepted once and for all as the tests that they were to prepare me for this. All the sorrow from all the loss transformed to pure joy. I knew then that all loss is simply leaving behind of the old so the new may manifest. The intensity steadily increased. My mind swam in visions of my former life: transcendental raves, flowing with the rhythms, endless trips on acid, my occult studies and experiences, endless hours of meditation and contemplation, all my interactions with other lost souls, every step in my life culminating in this moment. The fire coursed ever upwards, breaking through all of the self-imposed barriers I had erected to separate myself from the world for one reason or another, no longer ... more intense than any orgasm.

As the burning completed its course and entered my crown chakra, the flames blazed white. I was the fire. A single musical note of pure ambience entered my conscious plane. Within this one tone was contained all the myriad of harmonies possible: all the tones and fluctuations which made up all the songs of the world, the sounds of the earth and its many inhabitants, the discordance and the harmony. It flowed through me and all around me, encompassing all of reality.

The answer to the great riddle of existence was revealed clearly. The perfection of perceptions and the evolution of language. The realization of the individual's role in the co-creation of reality. The harmonious interaction between the individual and the situation it finds itself in. The dissolution of the illusory barrier between the subjective and objective worlds; the mending of the rift. The self is not lost in this union; the individual is an essential part of the whole of reality. It is Hadit unto Nuit; the microcosm uniting with the macrocosm. 'For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union.'

An eternity seemed to pass. This moment felt marked from the time before time. My ecstasy was complete, my soul transformed. True awakening. The first real step on the path.

I emerged from the fire in calm certainty, my step a light bounce and my heart soaring free. The bright visuals had gone, but the world seemed crisp and new. I clothed myself and donned my gear, then ambled over to the balcony. The sun once again shone, its rays barely cresting the mountaintops, which rose high around me. As the mist in the valley below slowly dissipated, I stepped up on the balcony, closed my eyes and allowed myself to fall forward. A blinding wave of light washed over me and my consciousness was blotted from existence.


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