Date: Thu, 22 May 1997 14:55:37 -0500

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Response: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Response: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Response: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Response: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Response: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Response: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Response: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Response: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Response: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Response: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Response: "Volume set to more believable level."

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