Like, dude, I was like stoned off my ass and listening to REM and I saw God. Dude, He looks just like Michael Stipe -- only shorter. Only like His voice was different and stuff, more gravely and every so often it would do this like echo thing, you know like in those MONSTER TRUCKS commercials and shit. Dude, like those things freak me out. Dude.
Anyway, like He was attended by twenty angels. At least, I like lost count around then, cuz like I was stoned off my ass. Anyway,
their wings were the color of soot
and their feet were of burnished brass
and their tongues were made of flame
and everything they did touch turned to molten jello. . .
So, like, I knew He was God, right?
Anyway, like He said unto me -- unto ME, Loki FruFru, "Loki FruFru, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. Yeah, you just groove and all that shit people are always on your back to do, like to get a job or like marry some rich hare or somthin', you just ignore all that cuz you are the Chosen One, Loki FruFru, and like you just groove cuz like you're the Chosen One, and like your destiny will fulfill itself. So, like chill out and shit and don't worry, cuz like you're the Chosen One." Cuz like God talks to you in the way you understand, so like if I'd been one of those uptight preacher-dudes He'd been saying all those "thees" and "thous" and shit but since this was me, Loki FruFru, the Chosen One, like he knew he could let it all hang out and shit.
Then He left, and I was tempted eight times, but that's another story.
Like all that boppin' field mice on the head shit? Dude, that wasn't me, that was my uncle. He was in the war, so he used to have flashbacks and shit. I don't dig that violence stuff, it's just not my thing, ya know?
Dude. did I like ever tell you I met Charles Manson? Yeah, I was like stoned off my ass and listening to Revolution Number 9 and there he was. He said there was going to be like a race war between humans and purple things, and then he tried to kill me. I survived by locking myself in my hat and stuff, but that's another story.
Pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Like, that is so degrading for the rabbit. You're treating him just like an object. I mean, people complain that "Playboy Bunnies" are degrading to women, but what about bunnies? I don't want to be associated with ape-decended females. Dude, that is like so degrading.
Did I ever tell you one of my friends saw Satan? Like, me and a couple of my friends, Grimace and Barney -- cuz like we purple dudes stick together -- we were hangin' out -- dude, like, stop screaming, this was before Barney was like famous and shit and like sold out and got his own show. Anyway, like we were all trippin' and Barney was reading Dante and all of a sudden he screams out "He's here! He's here!" so I'm like "Cool, dude. Like who's got some bread to pay the pizzaman?" and he's like "No, dude, Satan! He's here! He's talking to me!" and Grimace and I were like "Whatever, dude. . ." but like later I smelled brimstone, or at least I think it was brimstone cuz like I've never smelled brimstone and I was like tripping but I thought it was brimstone at the time. Come to think of it, he got his show soon after that. Anyway, that was the closest I came to Satan before the time of my eightfold temptation, but that's like another story.
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Kirt "FruFru" Dankmyer (xiombarg@io.com)