************************************************* * THE BOOK OF MARKOV * * The Holy Revelation of Markov the Confused * * Edited by Saint Dankmyer * * Annotation by Daniel the Prophet * ************************************************* MAR 1:1 The Revelation of Jesus Christ, and of all that were slain for the word of God, and from his power; and no man should learn this song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from among men, being the first fruits unto God and his Father; let there be glory and dominion for ever and ever for those who cast their crowns before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palms in their hands; may they live and reign with Christ a thousand years. >MAR 1:1 The Revelation of Jesus Christ, and of all that were slain for >the word of God, and from his power; and no man should learn this song >but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from >among men, --"By the time we got to Woodstock..." >being the first fruits unto God and his Father; --now, that's illegal in most states >let there be glory and dominion for ever and ever for those who >cast their crowns before the throne, --taken from "S & M for the Common Man or Woman" >and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palms in their hands; --God asked Peter Gabriel (with Genesis) to write this section >may they live and reign with Christ a thousand years. --I'm singin' in the reign... MAR 1:2 And then the dragon saw that he was cast out into the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled. >MAR 1:2 And then the dragon saw that he was cast out into the earth, --and had to use one of his five free visits to the mental health center >and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: --mapmaker, mapmaker, make me a map, find me a find... >and fire came down from God out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; --Timothy Leary = God? >and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little >season, --Thank you Lord (Pam) for once again providing us with the joyous occasion known as Fall Break >until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should >be killed as they were, should be fulfilled --And, behold! Judgment is cast on necrophiliacs! MAR 1:3 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the right hand of him that sat on him that had a bow; and a crown was given unto him, that he should offer it with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne. >MAR 1:3 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the right hand >of him that sat on him that had a bow; --The prophet makes no comment on the beast coming in the hand, however the prophet will also note that in this case, the beast coming in the hand is probably not worth two coming in the bush >and a crown was given unto him, that he should offer it with the >prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the >throne. --allright kids, it just goes to show that the Bible isn't _always_ interesting MAR 1:4 And the smoke of a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and nation; >MAR 1:4 And the smoke of a great multitude, which no man could number, >of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and nation; --N.O.R.M.L. rewrote this section obviously MAR 1:5 And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth. >MAR 1:5 And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we >shall reign on the earth. --We are the champions, my friend, and we'll keep on fighting... (Freddy R.I.P.) MAR 1:6 And after three days and an half, they shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. >MAR 1:6 And after three days and an half, they shall not suffer >their dead bodies to be put in graves. --And _we_ shall not suffer their dead bodies to be placed anywhere near us. MAR 1:7 And they that dwell on the earth? >MAR 1:7 And they that dwell on the earth? --And they that don't are reading this MAR 1:8 And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey. >MAR 1:8 And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it >was in my mouth sweet as honey. --EVERY ONE OF THEM???!!! And KLANSMEN to boot?? MAR 1:9 And I took the little book out of temple, having the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? >MAR 1:9 And I took the little book out of temple, having the seven last >plagues, and talked with me, saying unto me, --Chairman Mao would be proud of both your personalities (but doesn't that count for two children?) >What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? --See the Prophet's annotation, MAR 1:8 MAR 1:10 And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Seal up those things which the seven thunders uttered, and write them not. >MAR 1:10 And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. --69 Dude! >And he said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the >mystery of the seven angels which had the seven vials, --Liquid's so hard to come by nowadays >and talked with me, saying unto me, Seal up those things which the >seven thunders uttered, and write them not. --Ever read Fahrenheit 451? MAR 2:1 Then saith he unto me, See thou do it not: for I am thy fellow servant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus Christ. >MAR 2:1 Then saith he unto me, See thou do it not: --I doth too! What, you think prophets are celibate?! HA! >for I am thy fellow servant, and of thy brethren that have the >testimony of Jesus Christ. --Looks like someone's family tree has inverted roots... MAR 2:2 I was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and the seven candlesticks, like unto the beast, who is able to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and serve him day and night for ever and ever. >MAR 2:2 I was in the isle that is called Patmos, --aka Fantasy Island (boss, boss, I'm growing!) >for the word of God, and the seven candlesticks, --9 more and you've got trashy 80's movie >like unto the beast, who is able to make war with the remnant of her >seed, --I used to giggle when I heard sentences like that in grade school. >which keep the commandments of God, and serve him day and night for >ever and ever. --Stiiiillll Going! (Imagine a little pink rabbit banging a bass drum running across your screen) MAR 2:3 And the temple was filled with smoke from the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal; >MAR 2:3 And the temple was filled with smoke from the glory of God: --I've heard stories about that kind of stuff from the 60's, but it still seems like a bit of an exaggeration >and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper >stone, clear as crystal; --(As the great "A Tribe Called Quest" would say) and Smooth like butter MAR 2:4 And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the right hand of him that sitteth on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals. >MAR 2:4 And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at >the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the >prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the mouth of the >dragon, and out of the right hand of him that sitteth on the throne a >book written within and on the backside, --OK, remember the beginning of "Get Smart"? Ever wonder where they got the idea from? I told you everything is inspired by religion! >sealed with seven seals. --They must have a lot of fish in heaven MAR 2:5 And I saw the seven angels which had the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and his image, and whosoever receiveth the mark the beast, that the image of the beast that ascendeth out of the temple, having the seven last plagues, talked with me, saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them. >MAR 2:5 And I saw the seven angels which had the mark of the >beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive >into a lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and his image, and >whosoever receiveth the mark the beast, that the image of the beast >that ascendeth out of the temple, having the seven last plagues, --Ya, me and the seven angels with the seven plagues sat around and played five card stud with a 52 card deck in a 57 Chevy for 14 hours. >talked with me, saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die >in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may >rest from their labours; and their works do follow them. --"Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth" ... hmmm, well, I tried, but nothing happened. MAR 2:6 And I looked, and, behold, the third woe cometh quickly. >MAR 2:6 And I looked, and, behold, the third woe cometh quickly. --Guess I need 2 more to make 5 Guys names Woe? MAR 2:7 And the seventh angel poured out his vial upon the great river Euphrates; and the water thereof was dried up, that the way of the kings of the east might be prepared. >MAR 2:7 And the seventh angel poured out his vial upon the great >river Euphrates; and the water thereof was dried up, that the way of >the kings of the east might be prepared. --You know, when I was a little kid, I was told to NEVER empty my vial into running water because it will do nasty things like kill the fish, but I guess angels can get away with a lot more! MAR 2:8 And I saw thrones, and they sat upon them, and judgment was given unto him, a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given to him that sat upon the throne. >MAR 2:8 And I saw thrones, and they sat upon them, and judgment was >given unto him, a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and >power was given to him that sat upon the throne. --Little did they know that these were trick ejection-seats and they were "throne" a great distance when I pressed the button. MAR 2:9 And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain upon the earth. >MAR 2:9 And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar >the souls of them that were slain upon the earth. --Sounds like a horror movie about the circus animals gone bad. MAR 2:10 And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their places. >MAR 2:10 And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their >places. --Oh my, another embarrassing Maalox moment MAR 2:11 And the kings of the earth, and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, >MAR 2:11 And the kings of the earth, and his angels fought against the >dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, --Dragon won, 3-0 (saw it on American Gladiators, issue #249 in case you missed it) MAR 2:12 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. >MAR 2:12 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more >in heaven. --Oh boy, if Maalox doesn't help, guess you'll have to go see one of those funny doctors... MAR 2:13 And the great city was divided into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell: and great Babylon came in remembrance before God, to give unto her the cup of his indignation; >MAR 2:13 And the great city was divided into three parts, and the >cities of the nations fell: and great Babylon came in remembrance >before God, to give unto her the cup of his indignation; --That's the World cup I assume? Never knew God was such a football (soccer to you bloody Yanky heathens) fan. MAR 3:1 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, >MAR 3:1 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, --(snowman) >and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, --shall make a line on the left side of the room. Good, now choose a partner. Get the fiddle goin', and, "Swing your partner 'round and 'round, shove him in the toilet, flush him down! YEEHAW! MAR 3:2 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star. >MAR 3:2 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things >in the churches. --They're call pews, got it? >I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning >star. --Does that mean you fooled around with your mom? MAR 3:3 And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely. >MAR 3:3 And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that is >athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life >freely. --Sorry, I'm already taken, though it's quite a kind offer and I may take you up on it at a later date. MAR 3:4 He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. >MAR 3:4 He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. --Ah, but he _may_ be hurt of the little death! MAR 3:5 And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the altar and say, Even so, Lord God Almighty, true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with all plagues, as often as they will. >MAR 3:5 And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as >crystal, proceeding out of the book of this prophecy, --Well well, looks like the shews on the other foot now, doesn't it! >God shall take away his part out of the altar and say, Even so, Lord >God Almighty, true and righteous are his judgments: --Do you think God's a tenor, or what? >for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with >all plagues, as often as they will. --No wonder I woke up scratching so much! MAR 4:1 And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth, >MAR 4:1 And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast >that carrieth her, which hath the seven Spirits of God sent forth into >all the earth, --She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes... MAR 4:2 Saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues, and kings. >MAR 4:2 Saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore >sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues, and >kings. --Keeping in mind the state that the world is in currently, I'd tend to take this passage literally MAR 4:3 And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. >MAR 4:3 And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Sir, thou >knowest. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and >faithful. --And I said to unto him, Rock. And he said unto me, Scissors. And lo, I woneth! It was _a_lot_ easier than wrestling all night. MAR 4:4 And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon stood before the woman which thou sawest are the seven Spirits of God. >MAR 4:4 And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought >against the dragon; and the dragon stood before the woman which thou >sawest are the seven Spirits of God. --I have this for Sega (soon to be on 3D-O). It's really excellent, almost worthy of being called Blazemonger II! MAR 4:5 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having great power; and the earth was reaped. >MAR 4:5 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having great power; >and the earth was reaped. --But not before I had time to pull one last stunt! I was able to jump 12 burning cars, 11 yellow buses, 10 Boeing 747's, 9 checkered cabs, 8 unmanned tricycles, 7 magnetic trains, 6 broken escalators, 5 smelly sneakers, 4 transport beams, 3 Mac trucks, 2 roller skates, and a partridge in a pair tree. MAR 5:1 And another angel came out from the altar, which had power over fire; and cried with a loud voice, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto these things. >MAR 5.1 And another angel came out from the altar, which had power >over fire; --Big deal. Gimme a match and some lighter fluid and I could do the same damn thing. >and cried with a loud voice, If any man shall add unto these things, >God shall add unto these things. --Go figure.